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Kris/Scott vs. Mike/Jerry Rap Battle Winner!

Robert KhooRobert Khoo Registered User, Administrator, ClubPA, Penny Arcade Staff, PAX Staff staff
edited October 2011 in The Penny Arcade Hub
I know we're a bit late on announcing this - some things got in the way, but we're happy to announce the winner to the rap battle contest posted back in July. If you don't remember, the winner was to receive:

- A signed pair of the PA/Tweak Shoes
- The Blamimation Season 1 DVD, signed by Kris and Scott
- An autographed copy of Book 7, Be Good Little Puppy

So without further delay, I present to you our winning entry, penned by Xero Reynolds!

Straight out of '98
Rollin, trollin, keep those comics goin' blessed
Perhaps not the first but certainly the goddamned best
Update five times a week, s'right even in China
You're only three times bitch, got sand in your vagina?
Mike's got about as much skill as old Mark Kistler's cred
The gleam off my awards brighter than the one off Jerry's head
Kurtz's ark of snark HARK the benchmark and park
Your asses down and read 'cause PVP's the true lark.
Sup, Kris?

I'm feelin' it Scott, I'm droppin verse-laden citation
Convene the webcomics scene, and still have time for Blamimation
Six comic titles to credit motherfucker my wit always blossoms
I've broken more records than poor Mike's broken condoms
And Jerry wassamatta, is writing too scary?
Have some whine with your cheese when you choke down the dictionary
P.A.'s so damn easy to write, here's the formulaic clause;
...awwwwwwwwwkwaaaaaarrrrd paaaaaaaauuuuuuse?

Cleanup in aisle douchebag.
You want to do cartoons so we'll hold you in awe
Jump back, seriously son, even my dick can draw - Better,
Take down your Straubman argument, all joking aside,
Sorry Mr Kurtz you gotta be this THIN to ride.
Styles for miles, CON-artists, I'm Photoshoppin' straight through you
Aw poor babies gonna run home/start a blog/hate on me too?
Scott and Kris bring the brag 'cause they think they're crucial
Yeah like lens-flare filter and about just as useful.
Make it sick, Jerry.

Here comes the verbose monstrosity inflating animosity
Piqued your curiosity at terminal vocabulary velocity
With my dynamic lyric viscosity shows my generosity
Nailed to the lexicon cross influenced your religiosity
Scott and Kris think they're writers kids, shit they love to quote it
Better save that gag Blamimation, 'cause I already wrote it.
I'm a wordsmith poundin' out ill literary bait n' switch

Thank you everyone for participating. We literally read through hundreds of submissions, and the final 20-30 were all just so great.. all of you really came out for it. Thanks again!

Some guy.
Robert Khoo on


  • KalTorakKalTorak Way up inside your butthole, Morty. WAAAAY up inside there.Registered User regular
    Now, you can't just go around posting this without an mp3 recorded by the gentlemen themselves!


  • RoyceSraphimRoyceSraphim Registered User regular
    I read Jerry's in method man's voice

  • Maz-Maz- 飛べ Registered User regular amazing.

    Well deserved, congratulations.

    Add me on Switch: 7795-5541-4699
  • DelzhandDelzhand Noxalas! Registered User regular

    Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward - November Elspeth (Sargatanas)
  • IvarIvar Registered User regular
    So when will Mike/Jerry/Kris/Scott perform this on PATV?

  • 101101 Registered User regular
    Jerry's section makes it.
    I read Jerry's in method man's voice

    haha, got a laugh out of this

  • AurichAurich Registered User regular
    edited October 2011
    This is like my fourth post. Can I post images? Is there even a requirement?

    Whatever! OrsonWellesClap.gif

    Edit: I guess I can't. You know the pic :l.

    Aurich on
  • ColdbrewColdbrew Down in Front Productions Lake Stevens, WARegistered User regular
    This absolutely needs to be performed by those guys, it's fantastic!

  • BloodciderBloodcider Registered User
    All I could think when I got to Jerry's part was Aesop Rock. So I went back and read it to this:

  • Koragi85Koragi85 Registered User

    "Why fight the body when you can dominate the mind that rules it?” -Jace Beleren
  • AlphonsisAlphonsis Registered User regular
    Jerry's part was by far my favorite!! Feels so right!

  • MidnightMidnight Registered User regular
    THAT was epic.

  • Sorceress SamSorceress Sam Registered User regular
    I request that they perform it either in an mp3 or live at the next PAX.

    XBox Gamertag: Sorceress Sam
  • RoboBob3000RoboBob3000 Registered User new member
    Congrats to the winner - that shit was tight!

    IIRC, wasn't the dealie yo that you were doing a top three? I'd love to read a couple more of your top entries.

  • TheECPTheECP Registered User regular
    Dear god that was awesome. They definitely need to record this. Or even better, make an epic gangsta rap video for PATV with this song.

  • AurichAurich Registered User regular
    Also the real best part is ......awwwwkwaaaar paaaause?. Just the best.

  • JintorJintor Registered User regular
    KalTorak wrote:
    Now, you can't just go around posting this without an mp3 recorded by the gentlemen themselves!


    make it so!

  • GamesforsuckGamesforsuck Registered User
    Too legit to quit!

    "Hey Gamesforsu- Gamesforsuck? what the hell does that mean?"
  • MrZeebubMrZeebub Registered User

    The hat does the talking.
  • Cowboy BebopCowboy Bebop Registered User regular
    edited October 2011
    This needs to be made into a gangsta rap video

    Cowboy Bebop on
  • ToxTox I kill threads Punch DimensionRegistered User regular
    This is like a 2v2 rap battle.

    I picture Will Smith and Jazz as the MC/DJ of this battle contest.

    Wishlists! General | Gaming | Comics | Dilige, et quod vis fac
  • cpt_normscpt_norms Registered User new member
    Excellent use of hippopotomonstrosesquipidalian!

  • ArcadiaExeterArcadiaExeter Boston MARegistered User regular
    so when is this happening?

  • 2 Marcus 2 Ravens2 Marcus 2 Ravens Registered User regular
    Hot damn.

    Music[/url] -- My Band
  • gragongragon Registered User
    That is amazing!

  • LarlarLarlar consecutive normal brunches Moderator, ClubPA mod
    Definitely a well-deserved win.

  • dmautzdmautz Registered User regular

  • bigo2magsbigo2mags Registered User
    Absolutely hilarious - Looks like I finally found a quote for my twitter profile.

    "Here comes the verbose monstrosity inflating animosity
    Piqued your curiosity at terminal vocabulary velocity"

    I'd like to mirror the sentiment above - this NEEDS to be heard performed. PLEASE.

  • 3clipse3clipse I will build a labyrinth to house the cheese Registered User regular
    Holy fuck balls I'm late to the party but this is amazing.

    Jerry's just completely blew my mind. I WANT TO RAP IT

    and hear the four of them rap it.

    Hobnail wrote: »
    It's okay to use Oddjob so long as you don't mind me deliberately obliterating your toilet with a precisely calibrated rectal assault
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