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Jealousy
DemonStacey
TTODewback's DaughterIn love with the TaySwayRegistered User regular
TTODewback's DaughterIn love with the TaySwayRegistered User regular
How the hell do you deal with it?
A lot of this is going to sound really stupid so bear with me.
I have been seeing this girl for a few months. We never officially had the talk (this is key I guess). About a month ago she was playing with one of my rings and I let her have it. I know it's dumb but I thought it kinda meant something. She was wearing it on a necklace everyday. The day I gave it to her she went to a party and called me crying later that night asking if she could come over and I told her no, you're drunk you can't drive.
Fast forward to this past weekend. I find out that night she slept with some guy. My stupid fault for not making talking with her. But I asked for my ring back because seeing her wearing it would just make me think about that night and I already know I get jealous easily. She says the ring means something to her (WTF?? then why sleep with another guy the night I give it to you?) I get it back anyway.
But now I'm at this annoying point where I just can't keep myself from thinking about it. She says she didn't know how I felt about her then and I do really like her. But when I see her I tend to think about the other guy. Also if she goes to a party again and stops texting me for an extended period agin I'm totally gonna bug. And she has a lot of guy friends so when she hangs out with them I'm gonna bug. How do I stop? What do I do. Blegh.
A lot of this is going to sound really stupid so bear with me.
I have been seeing this girl for a few months. We never officially had the talk (this is key I guess). About a month ago she was playing with one of my rings and I let her have it. I know it's dumb but I thought it kinda meant something. She was wearing it on a necklace everyday. The day I gave it to her she went to a party and called me crying later that night asking if she could come over and I told her no, you're drunk you can't drive.
Fast forward to this past weekend. I find out that night she slept with some guy. My stupid fault for not making talking with her. But I asked for my ring back because seeing her wearing it would just make me think about that night and I already know I get jealous easily. She says the ring means something to her (WTF?? then why sleep with another guy the night I give it to you?) I get it back anyway.
But now I'm at this annoying point where I just can't keep myself from thinking about it. She says she didn't know how I felt about her then and I do really like her. But when I see her I tend to think about the other guy. Also if she goes to a party again and stops texting me for an extended period agin I'm totally gonna bug. And she has a lot of guy friends so when she hangs out with them I'm gonna bug. How do I stop? What do I do. Blegh.
DemonStacey on
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If she was under the impression that you were still casually dating, then it doesn't matter that she just got the ring... she may think you're nice/special/awesome but if you're still in the "dating other people" mode then she had no reason not to sleep with the other guy. You also said she called up crying so he might have just taken advantage of some weak moment. I don't know why she was crying, but it might have been something where she really needed to be with someone and you rejected her. Not an excuse if you're in a relationship, but if you were both not on the same page with that, then you can't really fault her for it.
Another possibility is that she's the type who likes an open/poly relationship, and generally has more than 1 partner at a time (in which case you'd need to make it clear you are not and likely the relationship would be over).
Regardless, you need to have a talk with her to clear up any misgivings about the relationship as it stood during that party and where it stands now (assuming you have not already gone over that).
As for dealing with jealousy itself... that's no easy thing. You just... do it, you have to be able to get over it and you can't just ignore it or else it will eat you from the inside out. Talking with her to get a good idea of why she did that is a good start ( and no accusations, no blaming, no getting angry, just be calm and get the facts).
And you can't just "settle" for excuses, from her, or to yourself. You need to get the reasons straight in your head so you can put it to rest and move on. You can lie to yourself all you want, but if you are not satisfied with an answer for something and say you are, it will just gnaw at you. So get it all sorted out with yourself. If you need to ask some hard questions, do it calmly and make sure you both are in a good mindset to talk without getting pissed off or emotional.
And for you in specific, assuming you've talked and are staying together, and assuming you are satisfied with whatever came out of talking with her... you need to decide what is comfortable to both of you. You can't ask her to not hang out with her friends or go to parties. And she can't ask you to just ignore it if it makes you uncomfortable. But you can certainly ask to go to some of these parties and see what they are all about as well as meet her friends.
And if you can't come to an agreement on that sort of thing, then it's quite possible that you two just may not be compatible at the moment... if she's partying, getting drunk all the time, and putting herself in a position where she can get taken advantage of frequently, or at least where you perceive she's being taken advantage of, you're just going to freak out and wind up resenting her.
That isn't the end of the world, you can still be friends, maybe even be in a relationship later on in life, not being compatible right this moment in your lives isn't a big deal.
You weren't officially seeing her, and she went to a party and got drunk and slept with someone else. She felt awful about it, obviously, and wanted to be with you for the night at which point it seems like you (correct me if I'm wrong) dismissed and/or didn't address the fact that she was upset.
People mess up all the time. God know I'm the poster child for bad decisions and poor judgement. I get the impression that you expected her to "just know" what you were thinking and exactly how you were feeling. At the same time you have a double-standard in that it doesn't seem to matter how she feels, as this whole post is about you and only how you feel.
If this is how you foresee yourself acting and feeling, then you probably should ask for your ring back and move on. It looks like you can't really get over this, and even though the two of you weren't even monogamous in any self-aware way (though you thought that she should be saving herself for you), you seem to think that she belongs to you and that she'll jump on whatever guy's bone is currently sitting next to her.
Honestly, unless I'm missing something big, I don't think that she deserves you. It would be one thing if these were previously agreed upon and accepted standards. They weren't, and you should get off your high horse and either apologize and quit being an overprotective and possessive person (not easy) or just move on because you know you won't ever be able to get past this non-cheating but still somewhat disappointing event.
EDIT: I wonder how old the two of you are?
Then leave her. Though I'm not even sure she did anything wrong as far as you should be concerned.
Or, accept her apology, understand that people make mistakes, and get over yourself. Did she damage the relationship in some way? Did she betray your trust? Because it also sounds like you totally blew her off. Where was the party that you couldn't come get her? Are you both so hard for cash that you couldn't get her a cab?
And I did not reject her that night. She was about to get in her car and drive to me but she was drunk and I didn't want her getting herself killed.
This is the stuff I really need help with. We've already talked some and I'm not sure, should I really bring it up again? I never really asked the reasons, I just explained to her that I'm sorry if I'm weird about it I just have some stupid trust/jealousy problems. But I would like to know the reasons. Wondering about it is what eats me up. I'm just afraid even I get answers it might keep bothering me.
Thank you guys again.
I'm not looking for an apology as she never did anything wrong. The issue here is me being a goosey goose and having trouble getting away from my gooseyness.
If you just cannot get over it, you'll have to end it
But really, just give it time. You can't get over this overnight.
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Thank you. As odd as it is, that helps me feel a bit better.
If you feel like you'd like to put this past you, work to do so. There is no trick to this -- it's just going to take time. My suggestion is not to dwell on it. If you find yourself thinking about it, try to distract yourself. And most importantly, as @Skoal Cat says, do not keep bringing it up. That will only drive her away, and rightfully so.
The takeaway from all this is that you should never, ever assume your partner knows what you want, or automatically shares the same approach. You can only know these things if you bring them up. Too much talk will destroy a relationship, but none at all will do it even faster.
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That first part brings up a good point and is something I'm worried about. I have a hard time controlling my thoughts about anything. Whether it be good things or bad I get caught up in my thoughts and have trouble getting away from them when I need to. And thus I'm worried about thinking about something and having it show, and I am an extremely honest person. She's an extremely passive person and would probably keep it to herself if my answer bothered her as she's always worried about driving me away....
Just cut your ties. All this talk about things being "official" and having "talks" is absurd. Obviously you guys had the impression that you had feelings for one another and that the "talk" and things becoming "official" were coming down the pipe. Everyone is acting like you need the correct forms filled out in triplicate before you are allowed to have "valid" feelings. Then she fucked another guy. I'm sure it was a lapse in judgement. I'm sure she does feel awful about it because now she's realizing she lost you over it. Good. She needs that. You still giving her a chance is only going to train her to think this sort of blatant disregard for other people's feelings is OK. And those people suck to date.
Some other folks DONT hold others to that moral standard. And thats fine. But I think, based on what you are saying, that you DO. And its ok to have held her to that standard, and to feel upset she didnt hold up to it. Its also ok to question whether she will hold up to other standards such as not banging other guys in the future. Afterall, she didnt hold up to this one.
But if you really like her, its also important to realize that just because she didnt hold up to this one, doesnt mean she will auto fail the others. If she is truly sorry, and has a different impression of what the relationship is now, then its probably worth simply talking to her about how you feel. Let her know that because she slept with that one guy before, you may be uneasy about her being at other parties, drunk without you and that you will try to not let this become an issue.
But you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. You are not a silly goose. You simply have a different view of sex and commitment then some others. Its not a wrong way to feel, there's pleny of folks out there who would too.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with what she did (although there is also nothing wrong with you not liking it), and if you heed some of the advice above and expect people to feel like every relationship is exclusive before it is made explicit, you will likely end up hurt and lonely.
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Im not going to argue over whether or not one set of beliefs is better then the other, because its not the place. But its a false statement to say its ridiculous to expect that, the OP is free to have that expectation if he wants. He is also free not to if he doesnt want. Neither one is going to lead to doom or happiness by default.
I really do want to thank you. I wasn't sure if other people did operate that way and I'm happy to know that they do. I just usually assumed I was being a total goose for feeling that way. I know that if I have any sort of relationship with someone where I am seeing them multiple times a week, keeping communication up and regularly sleeping with them that I wouldn't sleep with another person because it just doesn't feel right to me.
I always figured that it was super goosey so I would normally just try not to think about it when it comes to other people and I even tried to convince myself that I shouldn't feel that way, but now I feel a little better on how I view sex and relationships.
If nothing else this thread has been very enlightening.
Maybe not but the point is I want to try. I can't predict what will happen but I'm looking for good odds. Or I guess as some have stated that it isn't worth it. But still... looking for better odds.
the issue I'm seeing - it's that she slept with a guy at a party. That is pretty trashy and slutty and you don't
sound like the kind of guy that is into that sort of girl. Find one with class.
it sounds like you gave her something of importance and she betrayed your trust with it, but only because you might have assumed she was trustworthy.
briefly, it sounds like she has to focus on fixing herself first, tho i cannot assume that you are less dependent than she is, nor should i instruct that dependency is necessarily a bad thing (though it is not appealing in my mind). is there reason to think that she knew this information would come back to you? if so, she may have acted consciously to make you jealous and/or to incite a commitment (or telling response) from you. she also may have done it out of sheer drunkenness, which is not necessarily excusable either. she either does or doesn't have self-control. which one is more appealing?
i recommend you talk to her (given that you can't find rest in your mind without closure on the issue), without asserting your assumptions, and tell her flat out how you felt about her, pre-disaster, and maybe a bit of how you feel about her now -- how she might have confused you. ask her if she really thinks this is how a friendship, if anything, should roll. in general, if you have standards for what your ring represents and she willingly betrayed them, then a romantic relationship between you two is probably not a good idea because it would drive you nuts wondering whether or not you could trust her. a healthy, enjoyable relationship, in my mind, should be founded on trust and honesty between each partner.
But for months I was very much not happy. Fucking miserable, is more the word. As someone who's been there, I'm telling you that I would walk. That kind of work and heartache is not worth it for a "maybe" relationship when you're just feeling each other out.
PM me if you want more personal advice.
Let's dial back the judgement clock here. The biggest issue I see is not that she had a drunken casual sex thing at a party, but that the OP got hurt and demanded his ring back. OP got hurt, so he punishes her?
This so much.
Only continue pursuing the relationship if you can honestly let it go. Otherwise it will just stay there until it comes out in the worst possible way.
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Have you had a talk with her about how you see this relationship and find out how she views it? I mean, I know I wouldnt want to maintain a sexual relationship with a girl that wasnt exclusive. It sounds like you wouldnt either. Does she know this now? As much as it sucks that she slept with another guy, if she honestly didnt know how you felt and she is willing to be exclusive going forward, I would try to let what happened go.
If shes willing to be in a commited exclusive relationship with you, be honest with her about how the initial hookup effected you, but then move on. Either you are willing to accept that she had a different idea of what your relationship was, or you arent.
If she is not willing to be in said relationship, then you need to move on, because being with a girl who isnt committed to you is clearly not what you are looking for.