Healthy dealings with sibling rivalry/envy/fear

Raekreu

So my sister had her 2nd child yesterday, a little girl born healthy, 10 fingers and toes and so forth. My nephew, who just turned 3, met her for the first time today. My mom and sister were both prepared for an angry tantrum, but that wasn't what happened - nephew was devastated, crying and in near hysterics for the better part of an hour. Neither of them had any idea what his reaction was going to be but they really weren't expecting him to be as upset as he was.

Do any parents (or child psychologists, for that matter) have advice or anecdotes about how to help him not be miserable? Is it just a matter of time while he adjusts or is there a more proactive approach that will help?

Killgrimage

Jeez, anxious I would expect, but devastated? That sounds rather...extreme.

The ultimate issue with any new sibling is the older sibling needs to be reassured that they are going to be loved just as much as the baby. The only thing that will prove that to him is time and your sister's love.

Was he not excited when told there would be a new arrival when your sister was pregnant?

Three year olds can be touchy...I think he was just surprised, and, unless it's a toy, most three year olds hate surprises.

iMatt

I realise this is advice post horse bolting but I was terrified of this scenario and did the following, some of which might be able to be applied now!

When the baby was born they came with a present for my daughter - she loved that the baby had brought a present for her.

We made sure that I spent a good day with my daughter while my wife looked after the baby - I let her decide what she wanted to do and we would do it as 'special time' - we went to McDs for breakfast (she's not normally allowed McDs), then a toy shop, then the park and then to blockbusters to rent and watch some Dora dvd. - I think this would really help with your situation!

Get the child involved with the baby - make sure the child knows they are the 'big boy / girl' now and you could really use their help - i.e. get me a nappy please, can you get the baby a spoon please - offering big praise when they help. This made the situation feel like she was 'one of us' i.e. an adult and part of the process.

The main thing here is that this is quite normal and needs to be handled with compassion - no point losing your calm with the child as this will just make them feel 'naughty' for having normal feelings

Please not I am not a professional - just a father of 2!

ahava

iMatt wrote:

I realise this is advice post horse bolting but I was terrified of this scenario and did the following, some of which might be able to be applied now!

When the baby was born they came with a present for my daughter - she loved that the baby had brought a present for her.

THIS.

I was 4 when my baby brother was born and the first thing that my parents did, was they gave me the present from my brother, a cabbage patch doll (this was back in 1985, so... big deal!!!). My daddy and I played with the doll, that was a gift from my new baby brother, until they were comfortable with me being comfortable with the baby in the house.

After that, it was Big Sister time. I held him when he cried (so long as I was sitting on the couch and didn't really move) I was allowed to play with him, and wipe his tears and things. I was allowed to feed him. One of the favorite pictures I have from growing up is me feeding my baby brother his first spoonful of real 'food' (baby cereal). I was the Big Sister and it was time for me to act like it.


I in turn did the same thing for my former future niece when her baby brother was born. She was given a cabbage patch doll and was, for the whole pregnancy, trained basically that this is time to be a big sister and to help her mama with the baby. Worked wonders when the little man was finally brought home.

oh, and the spending time with the older sibling is huge. even if you're not the mommy or daddy but the uncle/aunt. A special day out with just you? Big deal.

Raekreu

The present is a damn good idea. Nephew is doing a tad better, but he's not exactly his normal self at the moment.

We'll have to see if he perks up a bit if his sister figures out that he's got a fondness for helicopters.

Vera12

Did he meet her at the hospital? That kind of environment with machines and everything might have made him think his mom or the baby was sick and he just couldn't express his worry any other way. That kind of thing can be terryifying even for an adult.

Raekreu

He did meet her at the hospital but it wasn't until the day after she'd been born. It was also an observation/recovery wing, which looked more like a hotel than a hospital based on the pictures I saw. My sister and the baby are both back at home now and it's gone from him being distraught to working out what this all means.

Cliff

You don't need to do anything, and you certainly don't want to do anything to reward such behavior. The kid will figure out he's not the center of the universe on his own.