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Went on 4 dates, got put in the "friend" zone, now getting mixed signals
UnsureInSD
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey, gonna try and make this as short as possible while giving all the relevant information. Met this woman (she's 28 and I'm 27) on a online dating site. We chatted a lot for about 2 weeks online, then went on 4 dates. Things went fairly well, and we made out on the 3rd and 4th date. I got all needy/clingy though and brought up relationship talks (TOO soon, I know). She got a bit freaked out, said she hasn't been in a relationship in 4 years and usually her relationships ended up with her being the one hurt. So she says she needs some time to think through things. I agree and give her some space.
She contacts me about a week later, saying that she wants to take things slow and see what happens. I say I'm fine with that, but guess actions speak louder than words, as I incessantly text her that week, asking if she wanted to hang out. She accused me of acting like a jerk online one night and says she's not sure if she wants to talk to me again. I freak out, thinking I wasn't acting like a jerk (albeit acting needy/clingy) and send her these three long texts in the span of 2 days, asking for an explanation as to why she thought I was being a jerk. We talk online and she says this is a red flag for her and that she feels it's best if we leave things alone between us. So I say yeah, if that's how you feel.
Well, not learning from my previous mistakes, I send her a letter of an explanation of sorts of why I was acting how I was and how I realize it's not attractive/desirable and that I was trying to work on these issues. Wasn't really expecting her to respond to it, and sent it to help me objectively look at my own issues and to offer an apology/explanation for how I had been acting. Really didn't want her last impression of me as being a jerk, as I never tried to come across that way in my interactions with her.
So about 4 or 5 days after sending that, I get a message from her online, saying that she's glad I sent it because it helps her realize where I was coming from and helped her understand me better and that we can talk about it if I want. So we start exchanging texts back and forth (fairly superficial in tone) and she says we can be friends if I'm cool with that. I tell her I'm fine with that. I only text her back if she initiates, and I don't reply right away. Couple times I don't reply until a day later. A week after these texts, she texts me one night, asking "if she had time for a late night walk." So we meet up at the place where we first made out late at night. I ask what brought this about, and she said "she wanted to be friends" and "can't we hang out?" So were talking, flirting a bit, teasing, joking around. Already my mind's wondering why she invited me out to where we first made out if she only wants to be "friends." She lays her head on my lap and I caress her hair and face, to see if she resists me doing so, so I can know what she truly wants. Anyways, we talk for a long while, and our faces are really close the whole time. Really bad at reading signals from women, but after staring at her while talking to her and realizing she wasn't breaking eye contact and was returning the stares, I went in to kiss her. This lead us to making out for a long time, with her saying "we should stop" as I was trying to take her shirt off. She drops me off at home, and we don't even hug or kiss goodbye, which we did when we were "dating." This was three nights ago. Got a text from her last night, saying "I'm starting to dislike your schedule!" as I work overnights and she works 1st and/or 2nd shifts, making me think she wants to see me more.
So thinking she wants to be more than just friends?? Or friends with benefits? Or she doesn't know what she wants and likes the attention? Haven't broached this with her yet, and not sure the best way to go about it. Not really sure what I want either. I mean, I like being with her, we get along well, have a similar sense of humor and there seems to be some sort of passion there. Think she might be really screwed up emotionally from past relationships, so don't want to be too blunt or straight-forward. Is she saying she wants to be "friends" more of her saying she wants to get to know me better to see if I'm what she wants in a relationship? Is she just playing games with me? Is she just confused and likes to make out with me and that's it? I mean, we talked online for several hours a day for like close to two weeks straight after she first contacted me on that dating site. Now we mainly only text and saw each other three nights ago when we made out again. Our schedules don't mesh as well as they did when we first started talking, so that might be it and maybe she does want to get to know me better and see if we can be more than just friends. Is she the one pursuing me now because I have changed my demeanor/attitude 180 degrees from what it was?
She contacts me about a week later, saying that she wants to take things slow and see what happens. I say I'm fine with that, but guess actions speak louder than words, as I incessantly text her that week, asking if she wanted to hang out. She accused me of acting like a jerk online one night and says she's not sure if she wants to talk to me again. I freak out, thinking I wasn't acting like a jerk (albeit acting needy/clingy) and send her these three long texts in the span of 2 days, asking for an explanation as to why she thought I was being a jerk. We talk online and she says this is a red flag for her and that she feels it's best if we leave things alone between us. So I say yeah, if that's how you feel.
Well, not learning from my previous mistakes, I send her a letter of an explanation of sorts of why I was acting how I was and how I realize it's not attractive/desirable and that I was trying to work on these issues. Wasn't really expecting her to respond to it, and sent it to help me objectively look at my own issues and to offer an apology/explanation for how I had been acting. Really didn't want her last impression of me as being a jerk, as I never tried to come across that way in my interactions with her.
So about 4 or 5 days after sending that, I get a message from her online, saying that she's glad I sent it because it helps her realize where I was coming from and helped her understand me better and that we can talk about it if I want. So we start exchanging texts back and forth (fairly superficial in tone) and she says we can be friends if I'm cool with that. I tell her I'm fine with that. I only text her back if she initiates, and I don't reply right away. Couple times I don't reply until a day later. A week after these texts, she texts me one night, asking "if she had time for a late night walk." So we meet up at the place where we first made out late at night. I ask what brought this about, and she said "she wanted to be friends" and "can't we hang out?" So were talking, flirting a bit, teasing, joking around. Already my mind's wondering why she invited me out to where we first made out if she only wants to be "friends." She lays her head on my lap and I caress her hair and face, to see if she resists me doing so, so I can know what she truly wants. Anyways, we talk for a long while, and our faces are really close the whole time. Really bad at reading signals from women, but after staring at her while talking to her and realizing she wasn't breaking eye contact and was returning the stares, I went in to kiss her. This lead us to making out for a long time, with her saying "we should stop" as I was trying to take her shirt off. She drops me off at home, and we don't even hug or kiss goodbye, which we did when we were "dating." This was three nights ago. Got a text from her last night, saying "I'm starting to dislike your schedule!" as I work overnights and she works 1st and/or 2nd shifts, making me think she wants to see me more.
So thinking she wants to be more than just friends?? Or friends with benefits? Or she doesn't know what she wants and likes the attention? Haven't broached this with her yet, and not sure the best way to go about it. Not really sure what I want either. I mean, I like being with her, we get along well, have a similar sense of humor and there seems to be some sort of passion there. Think she might be really screwed up emotionally from past relationships, so don't want to be too blunt or straight-forward. Is she saying she wants to be "friends" more of her saying she wants to get to know me better to see if I'm what she wants in a relationship? Is she just playing games with me? Is she just confused and likes to make out with me and that's it? I mean, we talked online for several hours a day for like close to two weeks straight after she first contacted me on that dating site. Now we mainly only text and saw each other three nights ago when we made out again. Our schedules don't mesh as well as they did when we first started talking, so that might be it and maybe she does want to get to know me better and see if we can be more than just friends. Is she the one pursuing me now because I have changed my demeanor/attitude 180 degrees from what it was?
UnsureInSD on
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Secret Satan
I'm just going to add that you should keep looking around, keep dating. Don't try to hide it from her, but don't throw it in her face either.
Yes, I realize my pushiness almost ended what we had going and that I need to keep it under control unless I want to push her away for good. Trying not to obsess over the whole thing as that will eventually come through in my texts/calls with her and scare her away.
So I assume that you think I shouldn't be direct in asking her her feelings on everything and what she wants out of us? Afraid if I do that it will scare her away and make her feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, I hear ya. Kind of hard for me to meet new people though, as I work overnights, live in a new city, and don't really frequent bars/clubs that much. When I initially told her I wanted a relationship with her, I said that was the reason I was on that dating site and asked her wasn't that what she was on there for. I've seen her profiles on other dating sites, and I sent that apology/explanation to her on the dating site we met on, so know that she's still seeking out a relationship of sorts.
So got to let her know that I'm still seeking out a relationship and that I'm not going to be waiting around for her forever so that she realizes she eventually has to make some sort of decision/express her true feelings?
I would say you should cross that bridge when you come to it. by that i mean, roll with it for now. She sounds like she's got a bit of baggage being hurt in the past, so she's hesitant to jump into something right away. 4 dates does not a relationship make. She seems aware of your intentions, and there is a physical attraction apparently. Give her some time, and if you hit your timeline of where you think you should be and she's still hesitant to commit, bring it up again (though not as an ultimatum, i don't think that ever works) and see where she stands.
I've dated for months before committing for similar reasons. You want to be as right as possible before you put your heart out there.
I think this about nails it. If you're interested in her, give her time to see if you two work together, and if she feels like she can trust you not to hurt her.
And for the love of Pete, whatever you do, stop smothering her. That generally turns people off faster than just about anything else.
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Thanks for the reply. Trying my best to give her space and not push anything and going with the flow. Having her almost stop talking to me forever due to my prior actions/neediness/clingyness has helped me change those negative qualities and realize how unattractive/undesirable they were.
Thanks for the reply. Been mulling this over a lot lately & that was the most logical answer to my question that I could come to, but wanted outside opinions. Have been stopping with the smothering and been letting her seek spending time with me instead of constantly pestering her.
Think things are going progressively better though. Saturday night she texts me when I'm working, saying "I'm starting to dislike your schedule!" I reply "there you go hating again!" She replies "yeah...well...kinda wanna hang out." So we went out to eat Sunday night, then talked for two hours in my car, and made out a bit.
Don't want her thinking I'm only hanging out with her only for the physical aspect, which I'm not, so have been progressing things slow. Want her to see that I'm interested in her emotionally, mentally and physically.