Looking to get torn apart some!

madmoshermadmosher Registered User regular
edited December 2011 in Artist's Corner
Hey guys hows it cracking? just wanted to throw a few strips up to see if you got any ideas for improvement. You should see one character study and two strips. I work everything with an intuos 4 medium, using manga studio for everything. All the backgrounds are rendered in sketchup 8, then I bring them in to MS and retrace them (haven't found a clean enough way to import them yet), I don't think they are horrible, but none of my friends are artists so I don't trust them anymore. Thanks!

madmosher on


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    MangoesMangoes Registered User regular
    edited December 2011
    I'm definitely not a fan of the writing. The characters seem like people I would actively avoid in my day-to-day (see: douchebags), which makes it impossible to relate.

    Mangoes on
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    earthwormadamearthwormadam ancient crust Registered User regular
    Oh man, wicked douchey.

    Yeah, unlikable characters can sap interest out of a comic pretty quick. It's a combination of how they look/act/talk. There's no way I would read a comic centering around these characters. And we haven't even met Pfleeger yet!

    As for the comic itself, the writing isn't really anything special. It's pretty long-winded and the dialogue would be much better if it were shorter and to the point. In the two comics you posted, that's just way too many words to get to the point you're trying to get to. Even if it were more direct, the ultimate destination would still be shallow and there is really no punch or wit to these comics.

    As for the art, I'm not a fan of the character designs obviously, but the art is really not bad. The second strip you posted actually has some strong angles viewpoint-wise. Watch out for wacked out anatomy though, like in the last panel though where that dudebro is shooting pool. There's no way a human torso could ever, ever do that. He looks like stretch armstrong. Also you're coloring is too saturated overall.

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    melting_dollmelting_doll Registered User regular
    Is this a troll

    it's pretty offensive >.>

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    MustangMustang Arbiter of Unpopular Opinions Registered User regular
    It's not my bag, the characters are all kinds of redneck horrible, but if your aiming to appeal to this kind of audience, then it's not too bad.
    The art is okay, the top three panels aren't the best, but it improves from there. You might want to try and reference some of your poses though, they feel unnatural in some panels.

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    madmoshermadmosher Registered User regular
    @earthworm, melting & mangoes, rock on I guess, sorry you feel that way about the characters/subject matter. This is stuff that I try to blow out of proportion to try to be offensive, but maybe my dial needs adjusting I guess. Showing the other sides of these characters being normal didn't really seem advantageous, but maybe that needs looking into? My following isn't huge or anything, but it does help seeing the other side of the coin.

    @melting, not trolling I promise. I really meant what I said about wanting other artists to see my stuff and help me tighten my game up. Maybe next time around I'll scrub the text off before posting.

    @earthworm, I'll try to tighten up the writing as I go, I was attempting to make it feel as natural as possible. Thanks for the compliment on the angles, I know exactly what you are talking about with the stretch armstrong thing. I will try some different coloring techniques and see how it goes.

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    DirtyDirtyVagrantDirtyDirtyVagrant Registered User regular
    I think you should do a bit of studying on facial expressions and facial anatomy and also practice some more traditional portraits.

    Probably 80% of the humor in a given comic is from the art and the expressions. You really do have to master it if you want to be successful at all. Look at any great comic as your proof.

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    worstcaseworstcase Registered User regular
    I'm not a fan of the subject matter of your strips, but your art itself really isn't too bad.
    There are some perspective issues (like the pool shot mentioned before), and it looks like Misty is 2x larger in the 2nd strip's middle panel than either one of the other girls. She just looks a lot bigger.

    Basic anatomy practice should help with this. Also, I had trouble following the flow of the speech bubbles. I don't know if it was just too much text or something, but I think your strip's would be a heck of a lot better if you condensed the writing some. I think it would improve the flow.

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    amateurhouramateurhour One day I'll be professionalhour The woods somewhere in TennesseeRegistered User regular
    I like the art. I mean people can always pick out anatomy issues but that's something that's easily fixed with practice. (I'm still nowhere near perfect but I'm better than when I started thanks to this place.)

    For the subject matter, there's nothing wrong with a comic about bad people. Always Sunny and Seinfeld do a good job of showing that.

    Check out a comic called Two Guys and Guy. It's a really good strip about three asshole friends but doesn't just shove it in your face and make you want to look the other direction. You might find some inspiration there if you want to consider dialing it back a bit.

    You've got a REALLY good grasp of rotating camera angles, and that's more than I can say for a lot of comics, including mine.

    Keep it up!

    are YOU on the beer list?
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    madmoshermadmosher Registered User regular
    @ dirty and worstcase, glad to hear it, I will work on anatomy more, just took a break to try and get better with backgrounds. Worstcase, as with everybody else, sorry you don't care for the material, every bodies got there thing I guess.

    @ amateurhour, thanks for the compliment on the angles, if your more interested I can go into more depth on how I get it done. And thanks for not hating it! lol, I was seeing the starting of a lynch mob up in here, jk. My readers tend to like the over the top dickishness of it, so I only ever thought of dialing it back for a bigger audience. The only problem I see is I think my current readers look at it like watching a car wreck happen from strip to strip, so I don't know if I want to alienate them just yet. Who knows?

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    earthwormadamearthwormadam ancient crust Registered User regular
    Nobody's asking you to dial it back, but if you're going to go for dickish and raunchy, then you're going to have to work a lot harder to make it clever and funny.

    For me, the writing is just not working at the moment. Even if the dialogue were more concise, these jokes still wouldn't be a effective.

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    McGibsMcGibs TorontoRegistered User regular
    There's nothing wrong with making a comic about these sorts of assholes, but the writing isn't using them very well. The big problem I see is that your punchlines have no contrast. I get that the punchlines are supposed to hinge around the fact theyre just so outrageously foul. "Smelly morning Vag! *monicle pops out* How barbaric!"
    But youve made it clear to the reader that this is just how these people are, in this comic universe. So... when they just keep being foul, it's just how we expect them to act. It's not funny.

    A lot of humor relies on the unexpected, and these two strips have no surprises. "Ok, weve got two people acting like dbags. Annnnd they keep acting like D-Bags. Then the strip ends."

    For example, in the first strip, if you had the first two panels the same, hardass potty mouth and flagrant flipancy, then in the third panel, had Doc tearfully pouring his hurt feelings out over a cup of tea, as Logan sympathetically comforts him, that would more on the road of a constructed joke. There's the setup, (these people are hard-bitten punks), and theres the punchline (big bad punk is actually a sensitive dandy). Not saying it has anything to do with your characters (I doubt doc would appear like that), but it's just an example.

    If anything, you should ramp the vulgarity up even more. Right now theyre just sortof realistically portrayed pricks. If you amp it up to ridiculous levels, especially in punchlines, it gets into the realm of cartoonish parody.
    Like the second comic. Why are they just talking about that in a boring-ass bar? Showing what went down (hurhurhur) that morning would have way more comedic impact.

    Panel 1: Doc shmoozing Misty in bed, but she pushes him away, saying she wants to take a morning shower first.
    Panel 2: Doc ignores her, and thinks maybe a little nomnomnom would help start her engine, so he disappears under the covers.
    Panel 3: Doc explodes from the covers, asphyxiating from toxic crotch gas (insert comedic gag expression and green wavy stink lines). Misty rolls her eyes and restates that she wants to take a morning shower first.

    *rimshot *

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    melting_dollmelting_doll Registered User regular
    I know I said it was offensive, but I guess I should have put more thought into what I wanted to say. Personally I've never seen a comic with this kind of content (I generally avoid browsing the interwebs beyond the sites I know) so I was surprised. (;

    I can't critique the writing because I'm not a writer, but my most constructive crit would be that the panels seem a little cramped and busy. Maybe try experimenting with sizes/number of panels? It is common for webcomics to have the three-panel format, but there are plenty out there that don't use it and are still successful.

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    madmoshermadmosher Registered User regular
    @ earthworm, thanks for the insight.

    @ McGibs, I see what you're saying. I think if anything I will start to push in the over the top direction. My original Idea was actually kinda like what described at the end, don't actually know why I went the other direction.

    @ melting, don't sweat it, every bodies entitled to their own opinion, if we all thought the same we wouldn't need forums:)

    Thanks everybody for all the feed back so far, its been a big help!

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    spacebeardspacebeard Registered User regular
    did the comics get deleted or something? i cant see em

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    madmoshermadmosher Registered User regular
    I have to pause adblocker

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    Tim-YatesTim-Yates Registered User regular
    edited December 2011
    Kudos for actively searching to get torn apart, I'll try my best ;)

    Comic 1
    -I would change the background between the three characters. Even if its just the colors. The characters are fun and well drawn, having the same exact background texture between the three is totally boring. make the colors and texture match the personality that their facial expressions are doing such a good job of showing. really run with it!
    -Why are the soles of pfleegers boots cut off? scoot him up a couple inches so he's in the panel, having him so closely cut off by the panel border is a bad tangent.

    Comic 2
    -The last two word balloons are totally unnecessary and off topic. You set up a pretty decent punchline with the fucking a sock thing but then go completely off topic which leaves me scratching my head thinking I missed something.
    -Blonde chicks hair: Having this be one of the only places in the comic with black shadows on it is strange. Especially since the hair is light colored. Makes it almost look like it's dyed black towards the tips.

    Comic 3
    -Your perspective needs work a bit. Especially in the last panel, the floor and counter top are on an entirely different plane. It looks like the door is super far back, or close and tiny and raised up on the wall.
    -The flowers on that blue desk thing look like they're in the chicks hair,you could move things around a bit so thats clear
    -The main blonde looks like she's a giant compared to the other two, her proportions are like twice as big.
    -Whats with brown hoody's boob in the last panel? It's sprouting from the bottom of her neck. The easiest fix for this would be to just drag her neck/head up since it's coming from off panel. Always draw the whole figure in the rough stage, even if it takes you off panel, and you'll avoid problems like this.

    Your style is edgy and fun, the charecters are mostly well drawn and the art style is great. Keep up the good work!

    Tim-Yates on
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    cyber_ninj4cyber_ninj4 Animator...or I wanna be. New YorkRegistered User new member
    I do like the art...reminds me Transmetro but more toonish. There are proportion and foreshortening issues mostly in the Logan character. Don't want to just re-post what others have said. I'll be honest, I have a vulgarity limit and this comic passed it, but I liked the content of "double standard" because I thought it was kinda clever, just thought it could have been written differently. (In my humble opinion).

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    squidbunnysquidbunny Registered User regular
    Chiming in to echo that there's nothing wrong with the vulgarity level, per se, but you're killing your jokes by not ending on logical comedic beats/closure points. "Double standard" would be twice as funny by doing nothing but dropping the last panel altogether; it adds nothing and belabors the actual joke, the titular double standard. And "Morning what now" as already mentioned, needs to not have the "Wait.... Morning what?" Not only does it step all over your punchline, there, but those girls totally know what she's talking about already.

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