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Dealing with consistently crappy gifts
Ebessan
__BANNED USERS regular
__BANNED USERS regular
I'm an adult who lives some distance from his mother. With Christmas here, I opened a parcel from her with dread. Sure enough, another box of utter shit. As below:
Food (No explanation needed)
Hat (a really cheap hat and I haven't worn a hat since I was ten)
Gloves (she got me gloves two years ago, I do actually wear them, and those gloves were nicer than these)
Shirt (it's cheap but actually, the sort of shirt I would have worn for work a few years ago...but now I work in a place with a more upscale dress requirements...so I won't wear it but not pissed off about this)
She also got me a belt. This requires more than a parenthetical. Last Christmas, she saw me repairing my belt. I proudly informed her that I paid about $3 for this belt and I'm seeing how long I can get out of a three dollar belt. It's been about three years, by the way. The next day, she came down with ten of my father's belts (my father has been dead for many years) and tries to give them to. I explain that I don't need a belt, I have a belt, and when the day comes that I do need a belt, I'll go to the store and buy a belt. But as it stands, I'm running this experiment with this really cheap belt.
So what happens this Christmas? She sends a belt. And a cheap belt.
She also gave me a pan. She actually floated this idea as a potential gift. "Do you need any pans?" I told her that I don't because I don't cook. But should the day come that I do need a pan, I'll go to the store and buy one. So, naturally, she got me a pan. Undoutedly a cheap pan.
I mean, consider the following hypothetical conversation:
Person A: So, you need a new blender?
Person B: No, I don't really make smoothies or anything.
Person A: But it's not just about juices. You can do all kinds of stuff.
Person B: Well, I'm sure. But I don't really have much use for it. However, should the time come when I do need a blender, I'll go the store and buy one.
If Person A then gave Person B a blender for Christmas, would not Person B be entitled to be really pissed off? They received a gift that they have expressly pre-declined.
I used to have a girlfriend who always gave shitty gifts. The solution there was to stop dating her. But this is my mother. What possible solution is there? I've tried to get her not to send any gifts but that doesn't seem plausible. She just won't do it in spite of the fact that her shitty gifts always piss me off and I'm not shy about expressing that to her. And there's nothing that I want so I can't give suggestions.
This might seem trivial but imagine getting completely shit gifts where the postage costs more than the stuff inside for almost ten years.
Food (No explanation needed)
Hat (a really cheap hat and I haven't worn a hat since I was ten)
Gloves (she got me gloves two years ago, I do actually wear them, and those gloves were nicer than these)
Shirt (it's cheap but actually, the sort of shirt I would have worn for work a few years ago...but now I work in a place with a more upscale dress requirements...so I won't wear it but not pissed off about this)
She also got me a belt. This requires more than a parenthetical. Last Christmas, she saw me repairing my belt. I proudly informed her that I paid about $3 for this belt and I'm seeing how long I can get out of a three dollar belt. It's been about three years, by the way. The next day, she came down with ten of my father's belts (my father has been dead for many years) and tries to give them to. I explain that I don't need a belt, I have a belt, and when the day comes that I do need a belt, I'll go to the store and buy a belt. But as it stands, I'm running this experiment with this really cheap belt.
So what happens this Christmas? She sends a belt. And a cheap belt.
She also gave me a pan. She actually floated this idea as a potential gift. "Do you need any pans?" I told her that I don't because I don't cook. But should the day come that I do need a pan, I'll go to the store and buy one. So, naturally, she got me a pan. Undoutedly a cheap pan.
I mean, consider the following hypothetical conversation:
Person A: So, you need a new blender?
Person B: No, I don't really make smoothies or anything.
Person A: But it's not just about juices. You can do all kinds of stuff.
Person B: Well, I'm sure. But I don't really have much use for it. However, should the time come when I do need a blender, I'll go the store and buy one.
If Person A then gave Person B a blender for Christmas, would not Person B be entitled to be really pissed off? They received a gift that they have expressly pre-declined.
I used to have a girlfriend who always gave shitty gifts. The solution there was to stop dating her. But this is my mother. What possible solution is there? I've tried to get her not to send any gifts but that doesn't seem plausible. She just won't do it in spite of the fact that her shitty gifts always piss me off and I'm not shy about expressing that to her. And there's nothing that I want so I can't give suggestions.
This might seem trivial but imagine getting completely shit gifts where the postage costs more than the stuff inside for almost ten years.
Ebessan on
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In 50 years your mother will probably be dead. Are you going to remember her entirely as a shitty gift giver? If not, why dwell on it?
The latter. As I said, I can't think of anything that I need or want.
But nobody gave me ideas either and I gave great gifts which were legitimately and rightly appreciated. That's what gift-giving is about. It's not about taking a shopping list with you to Walmart. It's about putting the time in, thinking what the person would like, and getting something suitable.
And when somebody says, "Please don't get me a belt", that makes things slightly easier. You can eliminate belts from your search. But for her, it goes to the top of the must-get list. That, frankly, is bullshit.
Unless you send really big and expensive gifts and are extremely thoughtful about what you get for her you are really not in a position to complain. And even if you did you still don't get to complain.
Seriously, you once broke up with a girlfriend for giving you gifts you thought were not up to your standards?
All that has been said above applies, your post really comes off as very selfish(unless you are the greatest gift giver on the planet and always pick the perfect gift for every person).
Why did you even open the gift already? It's not christmas yet! And why don't you spend christmas with your mother? And how old are you to complain about something like this?
Are you telling her what you want or are you expecting something good? I'm pretty hard to shop for so I tell people what I want. Otherwise I'm bound to get something I'm indifferent about
Either way, be happy you're getting something from her
2) If you cannot make use of the gifts, donate them
3) Stop being selfish and expecting other people to read your mind/ give you amazing gifts. Some people just aren't great gift-givers
This sounds more like it goes WAY beyond gift giving. Your mom has some communication issues to sort out with you. If this is so important to you (and it's important enough that you are willing to tell perfect strangers about it), you need to have a talk with your mom about this.
Maybe instead of buying everything you want the instant you want it, you practice a bit of delayed gratification so you have some items to put on a wish list during November and December. Worst case scenario you don't get it, and you can still pick it up yourself.
Or you kill the selfish bitch.
--LeVar Burton
I think you're right. However, I think it's important he realizes that it isn't a conversation about crappy gifts, but a conversation about how much/little she listens to him.
Because the former makes him a dick.
I'm feeling this may be the real issue, as being ungrateful for receiving presents that you feel are crappy is seriously the lamest excuse for a problem that I've ever heard.
This makes me think of the Christmas episode of The Office where Michael is upset that Phyllis only gave him an oven mitt in a company gift exchange.
I won't say what I gave but I spent about as much as she did. It's not about the money. But I got her a gift that I thought she would like. And she does like the gift. She opened it early and talks about it regularly. And how when friends and family see this gift, they always comment about how great it is. It was a fantastic gift because I started my search early and thought about what she might like. And when I saw this gift, I knew it was perfect.
She got me stuff that I expressly told her not to get.
Yes, and it was the right thing to do. Giving somebody crappy gifts says, "I don't know anything about you and I don't care". I got her good gifts, she got me crap. Again, it wasn't about money. We spent similar amounts. But she got me any old crap that she could find in the discount bins at the drug store. I got her gifts with her in mind.
It arrived today and I opened it. I'm not spending Christmas with anybody so there's no point in having some ceremony by myself.
I live 5,000 miles away, fortunately.
There's no age cap on getting pissed off over shit gifts.
Anyway, yeah...I guess the stuff can theoretically be donated. No exaggeration though...I don't know if charities would take this stuff. A cheap hat, cheap gloves and cheap shirt? I think this stuff just gets shipped in bulk to China to be recycled, though. So you're not helping the homeless, you're just enriching some Chinese recycling company. She's just wasting her money by sending this crap and that's annoying too.
Or she might be polite enough to express feelings of gratitude even if she truly does not care for the gift you got her. That's part of receiving a gift.
Here's the thing. They're gifts. You have no right to get pissed about them. Beyond that, it's your mother. Are you really going to pitch a hissy fit with her over Christmas presents? How do you think that's going to make her feel? I mean there are millions of people out there who are starving on Christmas day and this is your concern?
Just chalk it up to your mom being eccentric and pick a better battle. You're acting like a spoiled goose.
If someone gives you gifts, you graciously say thank you. If you don't like them, tough shit.
Look, I haven't gotten anything from my mom for years because she's disabled and poor and sometimes is in so much pain she can't even talk on the phone. She has been working on a plushy companion cube for four years because she always loved to sew but it's really hard for her now.
I'd be fucking ecstatic if I received something from my mom every year. It would say she is in well enough health to make the journey to the store to buy cheap shit I don't want because I don't give a shit about the presents, what I would love is a mom who can make the journey to the corner store without nearly having a heart attack on the way because her heart is giving out.
Repeat to yourself: "It's the thought that counts."
I suppose I could've lectured her about fashion and how cheap clothing doesn't cut it at middle school grandma get a clue! But it would be pretty selfish for anybody to complain about a gift.
My mother usually saves the receipts and if there's anything that doesn't fit or I don't like, I can take it back or exchange it. My mom isn't bothered by this; maybe you can gently ask if there's a way you can exchange the shirt for something else. If you're nice about it, it shouldn't become a passive aggressive stab at her gift-giving.
However, my actual advice is do nothing until next year and be sure to give your mother a Christmas list with items on it that you want or need, and maybe think about whether or not you really deserve any gifts at all.
edit: reading this, it might give the impression that my mother isn't awesome and doesn't care about me. That's definitely not the case.
And by typical mom she's sending you things she thinks you can use even if you've told her you don't want or need it.
Like she's thinking you might not cook but on the day you do she'll save you the trip to the store and you'll have a pan. And you'll have a belt when your current one finally gives way. It might not be the highest quality and you're under no requirement to keep it but are you really complaining about what sounds like your mom trying to provide things to make your life easier even if you don't need or want her to?
My mom used to do that for the longest time. I'm a pretty awesome gift giver but pretty much every person who knows me thinks I'm a pain in the ass to shop for. So my mom would send me household things and stuff I never even wanted to use and quite a bit of it I haven't but she was trying to make my life easier. And I'm grateful for it and sometimes laugh at the fact that she would send me bottle cleaners, a dish rack mat, and an ugly scarf and be super excited about it. My mom is pretty awesome because the only things she thinks about is how to keep her kids happy and how to make our lives easier and I love her for that.
This, this so hard.
My mom is kinda the same, in that no matter how many times I'll tell her not to get me anything for my birthday or Christmas(I do okay enough to generally be able to buy myself anything I need) she will still send me something.
And you know what? I don't throw a bitch fit like you seem to be doing.
Seriously, in the long run, how does a "bad" gift affect you?
Gift giving isn't something everyone is good at and you shouldn't take it as a personal insult that they somehow didn't dig deep into your soul and get you some perfect gift. Suck it up and be happy that your mom loves you.
Sorry, but I have to jump on the bandwagon here. When you're given a gift you say thank you. If you don't like it, quietly donate it off to someone less fortunate (discretely of course, don't give it to a sibling or something), but being annoyed or pissed with friends or family members for acts of kindness is pretty goosey.
If you want to minimize the risk of getting further 'bad' gifts, gently put out there that you have an (Amazon) wishlist (and if you really want to get something/things you like, stock that list well so people have a wide variety of price ranges and options available) and smile at whatever you get.
Read these.
A hundred times.
Then get over yourself.
Then grow the fuck up.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Cherish her while she's here. From a parent there is no such thing as a bad gift. It's a gift to have someone who loves you in you life, and you should embrace them in every way you can whenever possible.
She loves you enough to buy you a gift. If you can't be bothered to think of things you'd like, you have to expect her to do her best. You have no right to be pissed about gifts, whether you like them or not. Someone has spent money on them for you. It's the thought that counts.
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I hate to play that card but seriously.
Pretty sure that's a Seinfeld episode.
Appropriate, since this guy sounds like George Costanza.
Your mom's getting you things she thinks will make your life easier, guy! (not Carcass, obviously, OP) Stop being so shitty.
You can love your mom and hate her gifts, this isn't about being ungrateful this is about a pathological need of the gift giver. This can be their problem where they must must give you stuff you don't need or want. If I had any advice I would give it, but I haven't figured out how to stop it yet.
OP you are rightfully entitled not to get shit you don't want. Don't let anyone here think you are ungrateful. This isn't about thoughtful gifts this is about someone getting pleasure for their benefit from giving you things regardless if you need it or want it.
All of this can be pretty handily ignored. As the username states, it's pretty useless advice and amateur hour armchair psychology.
If you don't want a gift, smile, thank them, and then donate it or put it in the garbage.
So wait... its wrong for his mom to enjoy giving him gifts? Shes... pathological for giving him gifts for christmas and his birthday?!? Why is it good for him to be petty about it?
Nobody is saying he has to like the gifts, just that he should be happy shes trying and just get over it and not take it as some sort of insult.
Cause he's a goose.
Wow what a ridiculous thread. OP should go hug his mother right now.
If it bothers you that much, sit her down and tell her to donate the money she'd spend on you to a donation.
What a thing to be upset over. Cause giving gifts is a totally mandatory activity.
(This is why I hate Christmas)