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Feelings for friend

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Posts

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Opportunity. When I'm single on Valentine's, I always do something platonic with a female friend.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • ForeverForever Registered User
    Thanks, guys, but the purpose of this thread is now going to change a bit!

    I was talking to her older brother just an hour ago (we're starting to become friends) when he randomly asked me why I didn't ask his sister out. I kind of stumbled through a response, but in the end, I admitted to liking her. He then told me that the reason he asked was to halt me in my tracks in case I was interested, because he had just asked her the same thing and her response was firmly negative (just friends, fully platonic, etc).

    In a way, this unexpected bit of news is a relief. Sort of like a weight off my shoulders. I mean, I'm incredibly disappointed, because I really did like her, but at least I know, right?

    The reasoning she gave him as to why she isn't interested, however, annoys me... A lot. We're very similar in almost every respect (tastes, personality, etc), but we differ in our thoughts on religion and politics (I'm slightly religious and a little left leaning, whereas she is full on conservative and religious). He only said one line, so he may be summarizing her incorrectly, but basically it was along the lines of she doesn't think it would work between us just because of those two differences. I mean, really? It's not like we fight about those things all the time. We are respectful of each other's beliefs, but now I'm being judged just by them, before I even have a chance to prove whether we'd be compatible in more intimate terms? To be honest, that really annoys me. Maybe it's a good thing she's not interested.

  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    Either she genuinely thinks those beliefs would come between you - or she is only using that as an excuse for some other reason that she didn't want to say (or maybe doesn't even know)

    Either way, you're better off for knowing now.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Don't over think it and be happy with the fact that you have a great friend and leave it at that.

    Also, if anyone complete goose of a goose comes in here with the "You can do better! She doesn't know what she's missing! It's her loss! She's dumb!" lines, ignore them. It's one of the most terrible, backwards, unproductive ways of thinking ever. Just because she's not into you doesn't make her a bad person, or a stupid one, or a wrong one. Not everyone is compatible. Attempting to get over someone by thinking negatively of them for no particularly good reason is what 15 year olds do.

    And it shouldn't annoy you. It's her decision to make and you need to respect that. She could say she doesn't want to date you because she doesn't like the color of your hair. That's her thing and it doesn't make her wrong.

    Esh on
    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • ForeverForever Registered User
    Thanks, guys. You both are right.

    Any advice on getting over a girl? I've never been in this situation before. I imagine I just need to find someone else to like, so I'll be hitting up more social events in the near future. Any other tips?

    To be honest, I like her a lot less, simply because I know she doesn't like me now. xD I don't know if it's petty, but it's not intentional; I just naturally feel it.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Forever wrote:
    Thanks, guys. You both are right.

    Any advice on getting over a girl? I've never been in this situation before. I imagine I just need to find someone else to like, so I'll be hitting up more social events in the near future. Any other tips?

    To be honest, I like her a lot less, simply because I know she doesn't like me now. xD I don't know if it's petty, but it's not intentional; I just naturally feel it.

    1. Don't be a dick to her.

    2. Basically what you said though. Get out there, do new things, blah blah blah.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • ForeverForever Registered User
    Oh, I won't be rude to her. I'm not angry at her for not liking me. I didn't mean it in that sense. She's still hilarious, sweet, etc. I just liked her a lot less romantically once I found out she didn't reciprocate. Maybe because I knew it would just be a waste?

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Forever wrote:
    Oh, I won't be rude to her. I'm not angry at her for not liking me. I didn't mean it in that sense. She's still hilarious, sweet, etc. I just liked her a lot less romantically once I found out she didn't reciprocate. Maybe because I knew it would just be a waste?

    Oh, I thought you meant you didn't like her as much in a general sense.

    Yeah, just carry on then. You seem to be handling it just fine.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Don't take her religious conviction as a judgment against you, either. It just means that she knows what she wants, and right now a high priority for her is someone who really shares and is enthusiastic about her faith. You are not those things. That's not bad, and she obviously doesn't think so either; it's just how it is.

    I once had a guy I was really close and very, very in love with turn me down because I was too short. I can make a lot of changes to myself, but growing 11 inches at the age of 25 wasn't one of them, and he wanted a tall girl. I was pretty devastated, and I would have done anything to change his mind, but sometimes it's just like that.

    In the end I think it's better that it be something you can't do or aren't willing to compromise, if it's going to be anything at all. Makes it more clear-cut.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • ForeverForever Registered User
    That's true. I'm willing to change myself for my partner (not intentionally), but I will not change my political ideology and beliefs about God for this girl. Better it came up now rather than later, if it's so important to her.

    And that's ridiculous! How tall are you, out of curiosity? The girl I like(d) is actually under five feet tall, and I'm almost six foot five. I can't understand judging someone like that, but I guess a lot of people do it. I'm actually very self conscious about my height, to be honest. I feel like shorter girls won't like me because I'm so much taller. xD

  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    I really find very lame that religion and politics gives her reasons to think that a relationship won't work. Love is not selfish, love is about understanding, respect, and even about ignoring defects (if we can call them defects because humans are not perfect). The world is a big place, don't feel disheartened for this little rock on the road.

    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    Remember, most of what we post as advice is simply a pros/cons analysis. If you "confess" to her and she isn't into you, that will probably harm the friendship and then you are stuck together in the same classes for the next 4 months.

    The upside is that if you "confess" to her and she actually does like you in a semi-romantic way, you can date and have more fun and also see each other during your classes.

    I put confess in quotes because, honestly, it's a bad way to approach dating. You should not build up this deep, weird "love from afar" feeling for someone and then make a big stand about how you feel suddenly. If you start to develop feelings for someone, realize that what you're feeling is more like a tug or a nudge -- you're seeing them as different from just a friend. You are not married to them, you don't have kids, and you don't live together. She doesn't know how you feel and if you make a big show of your feelings, I'd imagine her first response is going to be surprise.

    When dudes say "talk to her," they don't mean "tell her that you love her deeply and want to spend the rest of your life with her." They mean "ask her out on a date and be more forthcoming with your expressions of affection. This doesn't mean trying to kiss after class -- it means setting up a date and if the date goes well, finish it with 'i had a really good time; i'd like to see you again.'" If she responds positively, it's pretty clear that yes, she likes you.

    Sure, big shows of affection may work for some people, but most people's relationships grow relatively organically. Unless she's crushing on you (which may be the case), it's better to make a push towards dating rather than ask her to marry you.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    5'1" and he was 6'3.

    I was particularly bothered by it because I don't really have a physical "type", so I didn't understand. Come to that I probably still don't, and have written it off as "one of those things that happens".

    You know, after about a year of mourning.

    Look, no one said it was easy.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • KurneaKurnea Registered User
    Forever wrote:
    Oh, I won't be rude to her. I'm not angry at her for not liking me. I didn't mean it in that sense. She's still hilarious, sweet, etc. I just liked her a lot less romantically once I found out she didn't reciprocate. Maybe because I knew it would just be a waste?

    That's how it often works. As soon as you know that you don't really have a chance, you usually lose that attraction. That's honestly not a bad thing, as it means eventually you can develop something with someone who will reciprocate that. In the meantime, enjoy having a female friend.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Forever wrote:
    That's true. I'm willing to change myself for my partner (not intentionally), but I will not change my political ideology and beliefs about God for this girl. Better it came up now rather than later, if it's so important to her.

    And that's ridiculous! How tall are you, out of curiosity? The girl I like(d) is actually under five feet tall, and I'm almost six foot five. I can't understand judging someone like that, but I guess a lot of people do it. I'm actually very self conscious about my height, to be honest. I feel like shorter girls won't like me because I'm so much taller. xD

    There's no "judging" going on. People just have preferences.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    EggyToast wrote:
    Remember, most of what we post as advice is simply a pros/cons analysis. If you "confess" to her and she isn't into you, that will probably harm the friendship and then you are stuck together in the same classes for the next 4 months.

    The upside is that if you "confess" to her and she actually does like you in a semi-romantic way, you can date and have more fun and also see each other during your classes.

    I put confess in quotes because, honestly, it's a bad way to approach dating. You should not build up this deep, weird "love from afar" feeling for someone and then make a big stand about how you feel suddenly. If you start to develop feelings for someone, realize that what you're feeling is more like a tug or a nudge -- you're seeing them as different from just a friend. You are not married to them, you don't have kids, and you don't live together. She doesn't know how you feel and if you make a big show of your feelings, I'd imagine her first response is going to be surprise.

    When dudes say "talk to her," they don't mean "tell her that you love her deeply and want to spend the rest of your life with her." They mean "ask her out on a date and be more forthcoming with your expressions of affection. This doesn't mean trying to kiss after class -- it means setting up a date and if the date goes well, finish it with 'i had a really good time; i'd like to see you again.'" If she responds positively, it's pretty clear that yes, she likes you.

    Sure, big shows of affection may work for some people, but most people's relationships grow relatively organically. Unless she's crushing on you (which may be the case), it's better to make a push towards dating rather than ask her to marry you.

    Not really following the thread, are you Eggy? ;-)

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    OP,
    It's normal to feel a little resentful after being "rejected." I put rejected in quotes because I don't think that's the right way to think of it, especially when it comes to the things she found to be deal breakers for having a relationship with you. Those seem like pretty important parts of your character, and not things you should want to compromise on. So really, it's not so much rejection as incompatibility. Remember, you should be just as discriminating with who you want to date also. I think as we are alone for longer periods of time we become much more willing to compromise on what we are looking for in a partner, which is both a good and bad thing. Good because it allows us to get to know people we might have otherwise outright rejected, and bad because sometimes we end up with people we simply aren't compatible with simply due to expediency and loneliness. The trick is to find a happy medium between the two.

    The second thing I want to say is that I think the reason most people advocate for a "ask her out, damn the consequences" approach that makes Esh's blood boil is not so much because asking someone out is always the right thing to do at the exact moment you want to do it. I think the reason most people advocate that approach is not because it works, but because it's really important for you to get over that paralyzing fear that prevents you from ever asking someone out in the first place. There is never a "perfect time" to ask someone out... that doesn't mean there aren't better times, or more opportune times... but that perfect moment where the stars align, the music starts and the candles give a hint of lens flare simply doesn't exist. The reason people say "just ask her out" is so that when you get rejected, which you will, because EVERYONE does, you start to realize it's not the end of the world, and it's not even a judgement on you or your character, or even your looks. People have preferences, and you can't really change that.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • KurneaKurnea Registered User
    Sentry wrote:
    The second thing I want to say is that I think the reason most people advocate for a "ask her out, damn the consequences" approach that makes Esh's blood boil is not so much because asking someone out is always the right thing to do at the exact moment you want to do it. I think the reason most people advocate that approach is not because it works, but because it's really important for you to get over that paralyzing fear that prevents you from ever asking someone out in the first place.

    Well, there's that, but the Op himself made clear why it's a good idea to find out one way or another where you stand, as he said finding out was a huge weight off his shoulders. Instead of spending months pining for a girl that wasn't interested, he can now move on with his life.

  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    well right, that's definitely a more obvious reason.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Yeah, we're past that now.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • ForeverForever Registered User
    Is there an easy way to get over the physical attraction?

    I'm extremely attracted to her, and I'm hoping that fades over time. To be honest, this is my first close female friend that I know now will just be a friend; can someone with more experience maybe chime in? Do you just ignore the physical attraction or does it go away?

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Forever wrote:
    Is there an easy way to get over the physical attraction?

    I'm extremely attracted to her, and I'm hoping that fades over time. To be honest, this is my first close female friend that I know now will just be a friend; can someone with more experience maybe chime in? Do you just ignore the physical attraction or does it go away?

    I'm physically attracted to most of my female friends. It doesn't mean I want to date them though. Were you confusing physical and emotional attraction with this girl?

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • FantasmaFantasma Registered User regular
    Your best bet is to find a real girlfriend and start having intimacy, that will help you to concentrate in something more important than this so called friend.

    Reduce your contact with her, try to meet other girls.

    Hear my warnings, unbelievers. We have raised altars in this land so that we may sacrifice you to our gods. There is no hope in opposing the inevitable. Put down your arms, unbelievers, and bow before the forces of Chaos!
  • ForeverForever Registered User
    Esh wrote:
    Forever wrote:
    Is there an easy way to get over the physical attraction?

    I'm extremely attracted to her, and I'm hoping that fades over time. To be honest, this is my first close female friend that I know now will just be a friend; can someone with more experience maybe chime in? Do you just ignore the physical attraction or does it go away?

    I'm physically attracted to most of my female friends. It doesn't mean I want to date them though. Were you confusing physical and emotional attraction with this girl?

    No, I mainly had an emotional attraction. But the physical attraction was still present, as well. And now that my emotional side has been reduced, in terms of romantic relations, I'm trying to figure out ways to get over my physical attraction. I guess it's not a problem, though.

  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Why do you need to get over it? If it's just physical at this point, it doesn't matter.

    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
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