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Resolved, please close.

GR_ZombieGR_Zombie Krillin ItRegistered User regular
edited January 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
Okay, I need some advice on how to proceed here.

So here’s the situation: I was in a relationship with a girl for about two years, until she broke it off last October because she felt that I had no ambition and she didn’t think we had much of a future together. She was totally right, I didn’t have a job, had no plans for my major beyond a vague idea of what I thought I wanted to do, taking a couple college courses but not with any real focus, etc. Her leaving me was a serious wake-up call, and it caused me to seriously look at my situation. I’ve since gotten a job, figured out what my major will be and am currently taking courses in pursuit of it, and am making plans to move out of my mom’s place as soon as I’m financially stable enough to do so.

On Christmas Eve I decided that I would give her the gift that would have originally been for our anniversary. I took it over to her place, and she seemed really happy to see me, all smiles and the like. I asked her if we could talk sometime, that I wanted to try and patch things up, but if that wasn’t possible I still wanted to talk to her so I could get some things off my chest and get some closure. She seemed happy when I talked about getting back together, and said she’d let me know when we could talk. I told her what days I’d be free and we said goodbye. It’s been just over a month and I still haven’t heard from her, but there was New Years and school starting back up again so she’s probably been busy.

So here’s where I need some advice, I was thinking about calling her up and asking if she wanted to see a movie or something, but I’m not sure if I should do that or wait for her to get back to me. I don’t want to pressure her, and I realize that even with the changes I’ve made it might not make any difference, I just need to know I tried. I won’t go into emotional stuff that no one outside a relationship cares about, but I really felt like she and I were great together, and I don’t want to just give up and wonder about what could have been.

TL;DR My ex said we could talk about getting back together, should I wait on her or make the first move?

GR_Zombie on


  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    edited January 2012
    Call ONCE. Leave ONE message if she doesn't answer. That's it. After that, don't keep trying to pursue this.

    But honestly, it doesn't sound like she's interested. She might be preoccupied with something else, but I wouldn't bet on it.

    Esh on
    "At first he thought it might be a natural occurrence - maybe a rabbit. But upon closer inspection, it was clear a knife had been used. And rabbits don't carry knives."

    Final Fantasy XIV:Lilja Sunblade
  • Aurora BorealisAurora Borealis Registered User regular
    edited January 2012
    She's moved on. And so should you. It's awesome that you've gotten your life back into better shape. Go date some other girls.

    Aurora Borealis on
  • JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Caaba Beankomy XobthroRegistered User regular
    It's been a month. I'm sure leaving her a message or talking to her on the phone won't seem needy and high pressure.

    And I won, so you lose,
    Guess it always comes down to.
  • rockmonkeyrockmonkey Registered User regular
    I'm with Esh. Call ONCE and leave ONE message if anything at all. So either don't call at all or call once and then leave it up to her. Despite the holidays and classes starting, if she was interested in getting back together or really missing you she would have called and seen you since then.
    I've seen it so many times, from both sexes, unanswered texts and calls and voice messages. 2 unaswered is bad, 3+ is pathetic. So if you call her that one time and she doesn't answer leave a message don't hang up without leaving a message and then start wondering if you should call back and leave a message THIS time because your one call is over, no more.

    If she can't be bother then she doesn't care about having a relationship with you, and you know what? That's probably her loss. Instead prove to yourself how wrong she was about you and keep in shape, eat healthy, stay motivated and go a find a better looking girl out there who will treat you better and will make you happier.

    Many young people think they can't possibly be happier than they were with _______, but that's not true, love is pretty common believe it or not.

  • wonkaincwonkainc Registered User
    Ditto with the above comments.

    I'd move on. Skip the call.

    It sounds like you're on the way to shaping up, but not quite there yet. She'll respect the improvement but in all likely hood not be into you unless you have already graduated and gotten a job.
    Think really hard about the last time you saw her. Was she genuinely interested in what was going on or polite? If she was polite then you don't have a chance.

    If I were you I'd fancifully play with the idea of showing back up in a year or two with an awesome car and some sweet clothes. Take her to a nice dinner and then drop her off at her place, drive off before she gets to the door and never call her/respond to her calls or text messages. That would be childish though.

  • jamesrajamesra Chicago, ILRegistered User regular
    Same advice as above. (Not that its relevant, but I'm having some time line trouble. By "last October" do you mean October 2010, or 2011?). Leave it alone. Getting your life in order is good. And you may end up back with this girl, at some point. It happens; people break up for good reasons, grow and change while apart, and find that they're a good fit later on. One of my favorite couples had that trajectory in their 20s. But don't force it, and don't rush it. At the risk of being too pat, your last serious other should never be your next serious other.

    FWIW, while people are different, I strongly recommend keeping cordial (where practical) but serious distance from ex's until a lot of time has passed. In both my experience and observation, until you are far apart from each other, and long enough away from each other to be building something new you'll almost always end up in old patterns.

    "Everything in war is very simple, but the simplest thing is difficult. The difficulties accumulate and end by producing a kind of friction. . . . This tremendous friction . . . is everywhere in contact with chance, and brings about effects that cannot be measured, just because they are largely due to chance" Carl Von Clausezwitz. (1832),
  • GotrM15GotrM15 Registered User
    I think that you should feel free to try and talk to this girl. My word means a lot to me; if you were my ex and I said I'd get in touch with you, I would. I wouldn't call her too much, but I think that a lot of this ONE call stuff comes from men hating to appear weak and needy. It's okay if you want to talk to her. But don't let her consume your life -- I just came off a breakup of a 4 year relationship, the devastation lasted for about 10 months. Don't do that too. It's okay to want to see her, it's even okay to want to get back together, but do NOT obsess. You'll know when enough is enough, when you've made enough calls and she still hasn't answered. After that, just stop calling.

    Gotr of Vatik
    Scholar by day, rogue by night.
    "If all I ever got was one shot, I'd still never blame fate."
  • GR_ZombieGR_Zombie Krillin It Registered User regular
    I appreciate the advice everyone. I gave her a call and things went well, so I think this thread can be closed now.

This discussion has been closed.