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Finding a bit of happiness
Grundlterror
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
The below is somewhat a rehashing of several other posts that I've made here with somewhat new developments. Sorry if you've already read my other threads, but I wanted to get it all out there and off my chest in one place.
This is going to be a pretty long post, sorry in advance guys.
So I think I've been in pretty bad shape.
Starting the new year, I found out my ex (who I still kinda/sorta had feelings for, but knew wasn't right for me) started dating my friend, the one who comforted me getting over her for so long. This started me on a slippery slope to extreme depression. Depression runs in my family, my mothers side of the family are all either depressives or alcoholics. I was on anti-depressants from the time I was in seventh grade (roughly 13 years old) until September of '05 (20 years old) when I took myself off them. The difference it made was amazing. I felt low when I was supposed to and my happiness when I was happy exceeded any feeling I had felt before.
When I think about my friend w/ my ex it really bugs me. She was basically my first relationship, I've had others and didn't loose my virginity to her, but she is the first one I truly loved and I was together with her for a year and a half, and then on and off for another few months. She is 28 and he is 30 (I'm 22) so I know he is inherently better for her. Towards the end of our relationship she was depressed a lot of the time (not specifically towards me, but it was affecting our relationship). Now, with him, she is happy. Not necessarily happier than when we started, but very happy (to be fair, she seemed happier after we broke up and before she started dating him). It aggravates me so much because I know this guy well, and he didn't like her before he found out she had a crush on him. He has communicated to me before that when he finds out girls have crushes on him, he'll go out with them even though they aren't what he wants and then he gets stuck in relationships that he loathes. He's a compulsive liar. I introduced them, and defended both of them when they talked shit about one another. They kept the relationship a secret from me at first, and only when I started crying to him when I found out that she was dating someone new did he exclaim "Dude, it's me." Every day I can't stop thinking about them. Can't get them out of my head. Oh and by the way, I work with them both.
Since then, I've really lost interest in school. I've tried to keep up with homework, and my grades are good in all but 2 of my classes. I also work full time so I am constantly busy.
Mid January I moved to downtown Atlanta because living in the suburbs was really depressing. My roommates are cool and all, but I really feel out of place here. I don't know too many people, some older friends (30s) that I play board games with on the weekends, but other than that I'm pretty much alone down here besides my roommates. Anyone new I meet is through them. I feel very lonely because my old friends in the suburbs never come down to hang out with me (which is totally understandable, I'm about 20 minutes away now).
I started dating this girl, but we didn't hit it off. Well I didn't think we hit it off but she seemed to have a different opinion on the matter. She barraged me with text messages until I stopped replying to them all. This last weekend, out of boredom and curiosity, I messaged her to she if she wanted to hang out. She didn't reply until Sunday, seemingly playing games with me so I just stopped talking to her altogether. Found out it was her birthday yesterday (Tuesday) and messaged her happy birthday and she replied "Thanks, stranger." The relationship was a bad idea from the start because I wasn't really into her but thought if I could have a significant other, it would make me feel better. When we did sleep together (no sex, just making out/cuddling) it just depressed me more.
I started playing World of Warcraft again. In about a month I have a 27 Shaman, which is pretty fast for me. I haven't played in two years, since I started dating my now ex. Before that I was really addicted to Everquest which was my social life in high school. I do it to get my mind off of things, but it doesn't always work. In some ways it's just depressing me more.
I've been plunging into my music, listening to everything that I can think of to make me feel better and I must say in the last two months my musical taste has gotten a lot more varied. Problem is, a lot of the music that I'm into my friend who is dating my ex is into so he is taking her to all the shows that I would want to go to and seeing them there would really just ruin my whole night.
There is one bit of happiness that I have now. My friend, an older girl (one of my ex's friends) has been so helpful to me. She calls me all the time to see how I'm doing and we have really long conversations. She has a boyfriend, and I know I have feelings for her but I'm putting those aside for several reasons. I can just be friends with her, I am confident. We hang out and play board games or guitar hero or sometimes we'll go to shows. Her boyfriend is cool as shit too and I consider him a good friend. But it's not enough, of course she can't devote all of her time to me (although I'm so thankful she calls me so much, I honestly have no idea how she can talk to me as much as she does and still have time for her boyfriend... although her boyfriend has referred to me as her "new boyfriend"). Also, being the pessimist that I am, I attribute her niceness towards me to pity because she has been the one that I poured all my feelings out to originally.
Other things I have done in attempt to improve myself include exercising more, quitting smoking cigarettes, smoking much less pot (although I do still love it on occasion) and cutting down on my drinking.
In the last two months (the span of all this stuff going on) I have lost almost 30 pounds (went from 195 to 167). I have been out of work since Saturday with a horrible virus including fever, vomiting, headaches, extreme sore throat, coughing and chest congestion. I contracted pink eye about mid way through the virus as well.
I just feel like my entire life is going down the drain. I don't know what to do. I cry about 2-3 times a week. While I am crying, I have no idea what specific reason I am crying for. The other day I was reading Calvin and Hobbes and just burst into tears. Last night I was just getting ready for bed and cried uncontrollably for about ten minutes. I absolutely refuse to get back on anti-depressants because I was on them for so long and I think it really fucked up my childhood.
What I'm looking for is just a little bit of happiness, something to get me through the days when the friend I mentioned above is busy with her boyfriend or her other responsibilities. When she is not around or doesn't call (which, thankfully, is rare) I am miserable. Also, it's not fair to leech this guy's girlfriend. I need to find something beyond her that makes me truly happy, because while I would never take my own life I just don't get why I get out of bed everyday if I'm just going to have another shitty depressing day.
Once again, sorry about the long post. I have posted numerous times to H/A and have found the advice to be invaluable. I have followed what you guys have said and it has really really helped so far. Thank you all.
tl;dr I've had relationship trouble that really hurt, I'm doing shitty in school, I recently moved and I'm lonely and all this makes me depressed. I've tried picking up WoW, dating, bettering myself, hanging out with new people and while it makes the pain go away for a bit, my life still feels like its going down the toilet. I'm looking for a more reliable source of happiness, what do you guys turn to for happiness?
This is going to be a pretty long post, sorry in advance guys.
So I think I've been in pretty bad shape.
Starting the new year, I found out my ex (who I still kinda/sorta had feelings for, but knew wasn't right for me) started dating my friend, the one who comforted me getting over her for so long. This started me on a slippery slope to extreme depression. Depression runs in my family, my mothers side of the family are all either depressives or alcoholics. I was on anti-depressants from the time I was in seventh grade (roughly 13 years old) until September of '05 (20 years old) when I took myself off them. The difference it made was amazing. I felt low when I was supposed to and my happiness when I was happy exceeded any feeling I had felt before.
When I think about my friend w/ my ex it really bugs me. She was basically my first relationship, I've had others and didn't loose my virginity to her, but she is the first one I truly loved and I was together with her for a year and a half, and then on and off for another few months. She is 28 and he is 30 (I'm 22) so I know he is inherently better for her. Towards the end of our relationship she was depressed a lot of the time (not specifically towards me, but it was affecting our relationship). Now, with him, she is happy. Not necessarily happier than when we started, but very happy (to be fair, she seemed happier after we broke up and before she started dating him). It aggravates me so much because I know this guy well, and he didn't like her before he found out she had a crush on him. He has communicated to me before that when he finds out girls have crushes on him, he'll go out with them even though they aren't what he wants and then he gets stuck in relationships that he loathes. He's a compulsive liar. I introduced them, and defended both of them when they talked shit about one another. They kept the relationship a secret from me at first, and only when I started crying to him when I found out that she was dating someone new did he exclaim "Dude, it's me." Every day I can't stop thinking about them. Can't get them out of my head. Oh and by the way, I work with them both.
Since then, I've really lost interest in school. I've tried to keep up with homework, and my grades are good in all but 2 of my classes. I also work full time so I am constantly busy.
Mid January I moved to downtown Atlanta because living in the suburbs was really depressing. My roommates are cool and all, but I really feel out of place here. I don't know too many people, some older friends (30s) that I play board games with on the weekends, but other than that I'm pretty much alone down here besides my roommates. Anyone new I meet is through them. I feel very lonely because my old friends in the suburbs never come down to hang out with me (which is totally understandable, I'm about 20 minutes away now).
I started dating this girl, but we didn't hit it off. Well I didn't think we hit it off but she seemed to have a different opinion on the matter. She barraged me with text messages until I stopped replying to them all. This last weekend, out of boredom and curiosity, I messaged her to she if she wanted to hang out. She didn't reply until Sunday, seemingly playing games with me so I just stopped talking to her altogether. Found out it was her birthday yesterday (Tuesday) and messaged her happy birthday and she replied "Thanks, stranger." The relationship was a bad idea from the start because I wasn't really into her but thought if I could have a significant other, it would make me feel better. When we did sleep together (no sex, just making out/cuddling) it just depressed me more.
I started playing World of Warcraft again. In about a month I have a 27 Shaman, which is pretty fast for me. I haven't played in two years, since I started dating my now ex. Before that I was really addicted to Everquest which was my social life in high school. I do it to get my mind off of things, but it doesn't always work. In some ways it's just depressing me more.
I've been plunging into my music, listening to everything that I can think of to make me feel better and I must say in the last two months my musical taste has gotten a lot more varied. Problem is, a lot of the music that I'm into my friend who is dating my ex is into so he is taking her to all the shows that I would want to go to and seeing them there would really just ruin my whole night.
There is one bit of happiness that I have now. My friend, an older girl (one of my ex's friends) has been so helpful to me. She calls me all the time to see how I'm doing and we have really long conversations. She has a boyfriend, and I know I have feelings for her but I'm putting those aside for several reasons. I can just be friends with her, I am confident. We hang out and play board games or guitar hero or sometimes we'll go to shows. Her boyfriend is cool as shit too and I consider him a good friend. But it's not enough, of course she can't devote all of her time to me (although I'm so thankful she calls me so much, I honestly have no idea how she can talk to me as much as she does and still have time for her boyfriend... although her boyfriend has referred to me as her "new boyfriend"). Also, being the pessimist that I am, I attribute her niceness towards me to pity because she has been the one that I poured all my feelings out to originally.
Other things I have done in attempt to improve myself include exercising more, quitting smoking cigarettes, smoking much less pot (although I do still love it on occasion) and cutting down on my drinking.
In the last two months (the span of all this stuff going on) I have lost almost 30 pounds (went from 195 to 167). I have been out of work since Saturday with a horrible virus including fever, vomiting, headaches, extreme sore throat, coughing and chest congestion. I contracted pink eye about mid way through the virus as well.
I just feel like my entire life is going down the drain. I don't know what to do. I cry about 2-3 times a week. While I am crying, I have no idea what specific reason I am crying for. The other day I was reading Calvin and Hobbes and just burst into tears. Last night I was just getting ready for bed and cried uncontrollably for about ten minutes. I absolutely refuse to get back on anti-depressants because I was on them for so long and I think it really fucked up my childhood.
What I'm looking for is just a little bit of happiness, something to get me through the days when the friend I mentioned above is busy with her boyfriend or her other responsibilities. When she is not around or doesn't call (which, thankfully, is rare) I am miserable. Also, it's not fair to leech this guy's girlfriend. I need to find something beyond her that makes me truly happy, because while I would never take my own life I just don't get why I get out of bed everyday if I'm just going to have another shitty depressing day.
Once again, sorry about the long post. I have posted numerous times to H/A and have found the advice to be invaluable. I have followed what you guys have said and it has really really helped so far. Thank you all.
tl;dr I've had relationship trouble that really hurt, I'm doing shitty in school, I recently moved and I'm lonely and all this makes me depressed. I've tried picking up WoW, dating, bettering myself, hanging out with new people and while it makes the pain go away for a bit, my life still feels like its going down the toilet. I'm looking for a more reliable source of happiness, what do you guys turn to for happiness?
Grundlterror on
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Dress in some cloths you look good in(nothing too nice), wear some comfy shoes and a smile and just see what you can find that you never noticed before.
I know how hard it is to be so stuck in your on head and the shit wears on you. You gotta put your self in new situations and get out the same ol' same. Self-pity is no good.
I guarantee you'll see, hear, or experiance something new that might just put a smile on your face; you might find someone nice or a new activivity to spend time doing, or maybe just see an interesting building that you didn't know was there.
This helps me out sometime, at least. Good luck.
It sounds like you are not happy with your life at all, and do not think you should be afraid to make the changes that are necessary to get a life you are more happy with. If you are studying, I guess just packing up your stuff and creating a new life will be kinda hard. A total change of environment has helped me in the past, but if this is not an option you will have to find ways to make your present life better. As for what this should be, you have to find your own answer. Maybe pick up a sport, training releases endorfins and is something that always help me. Perhaps pick up an intsrument, anything that can keep your interest and demands concentration.
Anyway, you are still young and even if life is not so good right now, it will get better in the future. We all hit rough stretches, and sometimes it is not something that can be easily made better and then I guess it is just a matter of enduring, no matter how hard it is.
With that said, uncontrolled crying definitely make your situation sound like something that I professional might be able to help you with. Even if you do not want to go on medication, just talking to someone who has formal training is a good idea.
Hope things will get better for you soon.
I'd also start looking for another job, if it's feasible. Seeing your ex and your alleged friend every day is just going to keep opening up the wound. Don't stop going to shows though, that's retarded. Why do they get to do the fun stuff while you sit at home talking to elves? Go to the damn show. If you see them, say hi and get on with having a good time.
The relationship with your female friend has the potential to go really wrong. I'm sure you're aware of that though, and it's good to have a friend.
You're working full time AND you're in school? Holy hell. Apart from anything else, you're almost certainly over stressed. Try and keep up with school as best you can. Again, don't lose time to WoW. If you can afford it, cut down on your hours or get a part time job til you finish school.
Also, try and find a hobby other than WoW.
That sounds like an awesome idea, although at this moment I am way to sick to be doing that... plus the weather right now is sort of cold and wet. Considering I just moved downtown from the suburbs, this is not a bad idea at all.
Yeah, I've been considering just going to a therapist and just talking to them. I've done this in the past but I think now I am at a point in my life where it will help the most. I've actually just talked to my mom who handles all that stuff for me and told her that I wanted to see a therapist. In the past therapists haven't worked out for me but this time I am requesting an atheist or agnostic one thats female. Hopefully this will make me more comfortable opening up and the resolutions more realistic then they have been in the past for me.
Yeah, I don't know a lot of my RL friends have started playing WoW and it is a good escape when the only other thing I would be doing is watching TV or something. I don't get out of work/school until late and theres not much else to do except play WoW or Wii or Guitar Hero. Although playing guitar is a good idea, I've been playing for about 6 years on and off and just never got very good. Perhaps it is time.
You're absolutely right again. Honestly, knowing my ex they'll plan on going to the show but never make it. And even then, music is my life and I would be doing a disservice to myself to miss these shows. Especially when all I'll be doing otherwise is talking to elves, hehe.
I figured this would come up. I am not having any delusional thoughts about how she is going to break up with her boyfriend for me. I am not in love with her or have a secret crush on her. At this point in my life it's just really nice to have someone there that authentically cares about me. Someone that whenever I'm feeling the lowest, somehow knows and will call me. Someone I can connect to.
Like I mentioned in my OP, there are several reasons that I will never date her. First of all being that if I did, it would be, to a lesser degree, what my ex did to me that hurt me so much. Secondly, she is older than me and I really want to date girls that are only 2 or 3 years older than me... she is 7 years older than me. I'm really sick of hearing "Well, when you get older...." explanations that I got from my ex all the time. Finally, just because I really respect her boyfriend. He's a great guy and he treats her well.
I don't know, she just is a really good friend when I really need someone. Next week we are going to eat special brownies and go to the planetarium, how cool is that? Now I have something to look forward to! She actually called me in the middle of writing the post last night and I almost couldn't finish the post because I was happy again! But the happiness only comes in bursts as she obviously can't be there for me 24/7. I also know it's not healthy to rely on other people for happiness.
Yeah, school should be my #1 priority right now but unfortunately I just haven't been able to zone in and concentrate. I'm really only struggling in two of my classes, but those classes are Chemistry 2 and Calculus. Pretty important classes.
Georgia Perimeter, although I'll be graduating from there and transferring to state (but maybe tech since a good number of my friends go there, although I just don't know if I have time to dedicate to a tech CS major) this summer.
A nice cheap and easy first step that you can take would be to pick up a book such as: Mind Over Mood: Cognitive Treatment Therapy Manual for Clients by Christine Padesky and Dennis Greenberger.
http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283/sr=8-1/qid=1172777046/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-1968650-8430514?ie=UTF8&s=books
Its very good and from what you've written, I think you shouldn't have any problems with having the self discipline to follow though with the exercises contained within.
Best Wishes and good luck!
That book looks good, I ordered it, thanks for the recommendation. I also have the ball rolling on an appointment with a therapist... looks pretty good too:
http://www.cpg-atlanta.com/cpg-lbrown.htm
So on the mental front I think I'm think I'm taking action in the right direction. I'm actually looking forward to talking to this therapist (while in the past I dreaded it). I was thinking about just printing out this entire post and bringing it with me on the first visit, is that a good idea? I think this thread illustrates where I'm at mentally pretty well.
As always thanks for the advice guys.
If you are always looking for reasons why you're unhappy trust me you'll find an excuse to be miserable no matter what.
I totally agree with this advice. It's hard to argue with your brain however, when all you can think about is the negative and the bad. The worst is that my life is so busy throughout the day and then at the end of each day I have nothing to do but think. Think long and hard. Perhaps I should have named this thread "Finding a bit of peace and quiet for my overactive brain."