Completely lost...close to an affair...changes...confusion...

1stTimeAffair

First off, I am going to apologize as I can see this getting long and winded if I am not careful, but a lot has happened that builds in to my current confusion. I am on new ground in a place I never thought I would ever be...so bear with me. I don't really have anyone to turn too on this matter as I have very few friends as it is, let alone anyone I could share something like this with. I am going to try and not be confusing...and I may digress a little here and there. cloAm I having a mid-life crisis?

Basic Facts: I have been married to my wife for roughly 11 years. We are completely happy and I have no regrets. She is amazing and we have been through a lot together, good and the bad. We have 2 kids, both boys, both under the age of 12. I have had an opportunity (twice) in the past for an affair, but I always passed them aside and moved on. I am also a non-traditional college student. This is where I met Girl-A...

Girl A

I first saw her on campus last year. She is short and has a style like no other person on campus and very few others in this town. It's a rather conservative town, so when you see the goth/punk style, colored hair, tights, thigh-high boots, make-up, etc etc...she sticks out to say the least. But...she was a dream come true when I saw her last year. Back when I was in high school, I was in to punk and biker stuff...I still have my old leather coat all painted up and punked out that I still wear from time to time. The whole goth style, punk style and what not has always been a real soft spot for me. My wife knows I like the bad girls and my wife is certainly not the bad girl type at all...my wife is the complete opposite and I had to clean up to a casual business style long ago to secure a job for my family...regardless. When I saw Girl-A, I never once thought or imagined that I would ever talk to her and I was perfectly content with just seeing her here and there around campus. She always had guys around her...
This past fall semester, I found myself sitting down in class for the first time and anyone who has been to class knows that in smaller classes, people tend to sit in the same spot. Humans are habitual...right? So when that first day of class was there and there was only one seat left in the class and she walked in late to class and that empty seat was next to me...yikes. We never said much of anything to each other for almost half the semester, but then she asked me for help on an assignment. We began to talk a little and the next thing I knew...a new friendship had bloomed. This girl hit home with me on so many nerves, likes, dislikes, attitude and personality...god...she makes me feel so young in a way. She is only 20...and I am almost twice her age. She makes me feel something that I have not felt in a long long time.

Getting to know each other

So you see...I had noticed last semester while sitting next to her in class that as the year went on and we got further in to classes, she had stopped putting time in to her appearance. More and more she came to school in just tore up jeans and a t-shirt, hat on her head or something, very relaxed. She was still incredibly hot. As we began to talk more and more at school and a little bit through emails because we were email assignments back and forth to each other, we just hit it off so well. She always seemed interested to talk to me and even seemed to be putting forth an effort to talk to me. It was during this time that I learned a little more about her...

She is married to a guy who is a bit older than her. He had two kids previously and together they have one. She seemed happy in her marriage so I just assumed that it was purely plutonic...

Then one day, and I don't even recall what led in to the conversation, but we got on to the topic of dreams. She admitted that she used to dream about being a model, typical girl stuff. I listened with interest as she actually makes some of her own clothing that she wears, but then she sent me a few pics. A week later, the pics got a little more...provocative. Our friendship moved in to the facebook territory as well as another social site that allows the more provocative pics as well.

From there, the semester ended and it was winter break so we didn't see each other or talk to each other at all since we didn't want to cause any problems with each other's marriage, we never talk to each other at times when our spouses may be around. Then this current semester picked up and it went as you can imagine it went. The pics and compliments continued, the admissions that we both liked each other and the joking and flirting went on.

I have changed this past school year...

Back when the school year had first started, I was already a little worried about my health. I am not some fat slob by any means, but I do have a little more pudge than I should and my cardio is terrible compared to what I used to be when I was college aged. Our school has a gym facility and I get free access so I started to make use of it at the beginning of this school year. I did pretty good for about a month...and then I got a little lax and stopped going as much. It was about that time though, that Girl-A and I started talking in class. I don't really know why and maybe it was just pure coincidence, but after being lazy with my workouts for about a month, I began working out as often as I should have been and not being lazy. Probably just coincidence I imagine.

Before the winter break let out, I actually began to feel like I had been making some progress in the gym and I had been more enthusiastic about school and a lot of things. All the while, I had been talking and getting to know Girl-A and then the pic stuff started. Then winter break and it was probably just the break, the time at home with my wife and family...whatever, but I got super lazy with my workouts during the break. I didn't even make it to the gym for almost 3 weeks and the break was 4 weeks long.

School starts back up and I find out that Girl-A is in one of my classes again...out of all the empty seats in the classroom, she chooses to sit right by me. Remember how I mentioned that she had stopped doing her hair and outfits and was just going as more casual and stuff? After we got back to flirting and talking....I noticed that she has been doing her hair a lot more often and she even admits that she was wearing some sexy outfit just to tease me in class. We keep talking and things keep getting far more flirtatious and I find myself back in the gym...quite a bit...and I have been kicking some ass in the gym this whole semester. I have been raising my weights, running longer and harder and the other day, I even noticed that my stomach is smaller than it was over the winter break. I am making actual progress...

What am I doing?

Our talks keep getting more and more personal and sexual and she keeps passing all kinds of hints and virtually throwing herself at me. I am at a complete loss...here is this super hot, young babe that is interested in me of all people. Every time I see her I feel better, I get more spring in my steps, I push myself harder in the gym...and hell, I have even been a better husband at home lately if that makes any possible sense at all. I will get to that in a bit...

One day...I don't know how it happened, but she wound up at my house one day in the afternoon. My wife and kids were at school/work, her spouse and children the same...we had the house to ourself. She was hot too...she really went all out that day. She was even a little bummed when she left that day and we had not had sex. In fact, we were there together for almost two hours and we talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company. The only contact we had with each other was a hug and a kiss before she left...

Holy fuck was I confused. I have been faithful to my wife for our entire marriage...and this girl had done what no other girl had been able to do in the past. I didn't know what to think really...about me and her or anything. At home though, my wife and I have been getting along great. I have even been a little more helpful around the house (is guilt driving that? I don't feel guilty...) and she has been liking the effects of my workouts in the gym. She comments on how she likes to feel my muscles and she can actually see them getting curve and shape. Also...and I really have no idea how to explain this next part...

For all of my life, I have never performed as well as I wanted too sexually. I have always fought premature ejaculation in some form or another. There have been times when I barely go 30 seconds compared to other nights of 3 or 4 minutes. My wife has always said that she loves it anyways and doesn't mind, but it always bothered me. Starting at the beginning of this semester...my sex life has been taking a change. I can't explain it and my wife has been loving it...but I have been going for 5 or 10 minutes almost every time we have sex. And...ever since I first kissed Girl-A around 3'ish weeks ago, I find myself going for 10, 20 and even 30 minutes the other night before I orgasm. Which...has been incredibly amazing. Both for me and for my wife...

Should I feel guilty?

I can't explain the effect that Girl-A has had on me. I really feel so much more important, rejuvenated, active and my desire is through the roof. I admit, that while I am having sex with my wife, thoughts of Girl-A are right there with me. My wife is super hot as well, just in that very conservative, morally upright type of hotness, she has a very sexy body...but Girl-A hits me down deep with my early and youngest passions from my younger years...the bad girl type. The girl who will tease and love you and make every fantasy come true. That's something my wife will never do for me...because my fantasies can be dark and far too taboo for her...but Girl-A...so yes, I do think of Girl-A while I am having sex with my wife. I have never thought of any other woman during our entire relationship while having sex with my wife...even this is a first for me. Is that what is driving me to new sexual accomplishments I never thought I would ever be capable of? I find myself in the gym, pushing myself harder and harder and all the while...Girl-A is in my head...what is WRONG with me???

I am extremely confused...

this girl has done something to me and maybe it is all just weird coincidence or something...maybe the stars aligned right for once in my life and it will all fade out in a few more days....I don't know. I still have not had sex with Girl-A. We have hung out on many occasions at both my house and hers, alone...and yet all we ever do is talk and keep each other company. I can share things with her that I can share with no one else...not even my wife...and I don't share them with my wife because of moral issues and freak out issues. Sometimes it is just better to do things to get along for the better good of your children, life and financial situations and your marriage. Maybe I haven't been as happy as I thought I have been for the last 10 some years that I have been married and living a relationship with my wife before we got married...maybe I was just content? Am I a fool? I have NOT HAD SEX WITH GIRL-A?!?! And she has THROWN her SEXY ass in my face for 3 weeks now...all I have done is kiss her and we keep finding any bit of time that we can to spend with each other....

I sit around and ask myself who I could talk too about this...who I could trust...and even my best friend I could not trust. He has a thing for my wife and I imagine that if something were to ever come between us, then I would not be surprised if he tried to hook up with her afterwards...so he is not the kind of person I want to be sharing or talking about this with. I have no one else to turn too...so I am turning to an anonymous post in hopes of some advice or anything that can help me sort some of this out. I almost feel like I just needed to type it all out to just...get it out there and make myself feel better...I don't know.

There are more details and information that I could go on about...ways that I have changed and other smaller nuances that I seem to attribute to Girl-A...but this is already long enough.

Oh...I can't believe that I almost forgot about this...but this is EXTREMELY important to know.

Girl-A and I discussed what we were doing together after we had that kiss. She is happy in her marriage and I am happy in mine...she doesn't want to leave her husband or family or take me from mine. This is just a...fling...see what happens and fulfill desires kind of thing for her...nothing more. I agreed that if anything ever happened...it would be nothing more as well because I don't want to leave my wife. Which just makes her all that much more tempting and desirable...

I have not proofed this as I am just throwing thoughts out there and trying to help sort them out myself I think. Sorry if there is anything wrong or confusing...I will try to answer anything when I can, but as this is an alt account and I can't log in to it while my wife is home, I can't say for sure as to how quickly a reply may come. I just needed somewhere to scream my confusion...surely someone else has been in a similar situation and could offer some advice.

Siska

Attraction is not something you can control and not something you need to beat yourself up over. As long as you don't cry out her name during sex a bit of fantasizing is fine too. If you chose to act on attraction this or not is something you do have 100% control over. And don't kid yourself, in your actions you have already been unfaithful to your wife. The way you two spend your time together is sneaking around and cheating. I guess my advice is empathy and to consider where this will lead. What will happen if your wife finds out? Will she be able to forgive you? Will you be able to forgive you? How would you feel if your wife started seriously flirting and contemplating cheating on you? If shit really hits the fan how will this affect your children? In the end you have to decide if a reliving your 20ies fling is worth all that or not. If you decide not, you really need to cut all contact with the girl. Like all crushes it will fade and diminish with time.

Druhim

Honestly? I don't buy that your'e really confused. You know what you want. The real question is whether you're willing to pay the potential cost of straying. The bit about being confused is (imo) just something people tell themselves to justify seeing if things will go any further. I'm just curious, so that's not so bad right? As long as nothing really happens? You know what you want, you know where you're headed. If you're at least honest with yourself, you can at least honestly assess the pros and cons of whatever decisions you make. I am in no way advocating you cheat on your wife. I'm simply saying that you need to stop pretending that you don't know what's going on as a pretense to let this go any further while supposedly not being culpable.

Honestly honey, I never thought it would get to the point where she would be giving me head in our bedroom!

Darlan

She doesn't want to leave her husband, you don't want to leave your wife. You don't have anything to gain but some passing fun by sleeping with her, and could stand to lose a lot. Nothing you don't already know, but for what it's worth to hear it from someone, no, you should not sleep with her.

If it helps to resist, just picture your wife in the same situation with some guy out there. Hopefully she would say no, you carry your end of the marriage and do the same.

Deebaser

Grow the fuck up.
You have a family and a responsibility to your sons. Don't be a selfish cheating asshole.

noir_blood

I really tried to figure out how to say this another way, but couldn't come up with it, so I'll just say it;

You sound like an asshole.

There's something about a lot of your descriptions, about the girl, how hot she is, about the way she acts, etc, that just really rubs me the wrong way, and more importantly, seems to cast the blame of the entire thing on everyone/thing but yourself.

Also, this whole thing that you just 'coincidentally" started to workout right around the same time you and the girl started talking..who are you fooling.

Figure out what you want, and don't draw this out. Either stop talking to this chick, or tell your wife what's going on.

Euphoriac

You're definately having flashbacks to your younger days, which is where the rejuvination is coming from.

Don't sleep with Girl-A.

Instead, put that energy into your family. And by that I mean your wife; don't put anything in your children!

Seriously though, you mentioned not being able to enjoy the darker things with your conservative wife. You didn't mention if you actually knew for sure if that was the case. It's not awful to want to try new things with your wife! Ask her maybe?

And thats the important thing; NEW THINGS are non-existent woith your wife so you sought it elsewhere. Make new things with your wife and this young girl will be a thing of the past, because you'll have what you wanted only with someone who has been with you for 11 years.

Good luck!

Usagi

Out of curiosity, if your wife were involved in a similar friendship with a hypothetical Male A, would you be angry at her? Because yeah, even though you haven't slept with Girl A (yet) you're being a jerk.

And adding to what the above posters have said, the fact that you've already decided to not share some of your needs and desires with your wife belies the need for a reevaluation of your relationship and possibly some counseling.

If you're not getting what you need in your marriage, there are ways to deal with that through open communication leading to new hot things with the woman you're already married to, or perhaps to other arrangements. Bringing a third person into your marriage without your wife's knowledge is a shitty, shitty thing to do. Because really, I have a difficult time believing your honesty with your wife about your needs is going to be more destructive than her finding out you're cheating on her, your wife discovering you've given her an STD, or the possibility of some other chick catching pregnant with your baby.

1stTimeAffair

Thanks guys. Sometimes, you just need the brutal honest opinion of some strangers to snap you back to reality. I will settle things up with her tomorrow.

Mods, this can be closed please. Thanks.