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Anger control
Spectral Swallow
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I don't get angry, really. But today I punched out my uncle.
Without going into a long story, I lead a pretty mellow life, I don't go out partying or anything. I was completely happy. Then my Uncle came to live with us. In my house we don't drink or smoke or swear, he, he does all of the above(smoking inside when we tell him not too, sometimes).
So anyway, he has all kinds of STDS so instead of us sharing a bar of soap, I bought some liquid soap, and a little sponge thing(looks kinda like a rose) and so he runs out of his bar soap, and instead of getting a new bar, he uses my spong.
I confront him about it about an hour ago, and he essentially tells me 'not to mess with him' and I just snap, and deck him.
Now he needs stitches and may have a concussion.
I don't like that. I don't fight, that's not what I do. But I just lost it. I feel like total shit now, and he's went to go sleep at his girlfriend's tonight. But I hate him, I really really hate him. But theres a difference between hating someone and acting on it, and hating someone and not, I've always been in the later category, but not now. Really any advice(I can't go see a shrink, as we have NO extra money, hell I just gave him $300, because for some reason he didn't make the $100 I gave him two days ago last). Ugh.
Without going into a long story, I lead a pretty mellow life, I don't go out partying or anything. I was completely happy. Then my Uncle came to live with us. In my house we don't drink or smoke or swear, he, he does all of the above(smoking inside when we tell him not too, sometimes).
So anyway, he has all kinds of STDS so instead of us sharing a bar of soap, I bought some liquid soap, and a little sponge thing(looks kinda like a rose) and so he runs out of his bar soap, and instead of getting a new bar, he uses my spong.
I confront him about it about an hour ago, and he essentially tells me 'not to mess with him' and I just snap, and deck him.
Now he needs stitches and may have a concussion.
I don't like that. I don't fight, that's not what I do. But I just lost it. I feel like total shit now, and he's went to go sleep at his girlfriend's tonight. But I hate him, I really really hate him. But theres a difference between hating someone and acting on it, and hating someone and not, I've always been in the later category, but not now. Really any advice(I can't go see a shrink, as we have NO extra money, hell I just gave him $300, because for some reason he didn't make the $100 I gave him two days ago last). Ugh.
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Shogun Streams Vidya
It sounds like the situation is one of either he goes or you go. You already know that punching him was a bad idea but now that you have, it's going to be damned hard to get him to leave. That leaves the second option. If you have enough money that you're giving the uncle $400 (which, by the way, is a really bad idea) then you should have enough money to pay for your own place. Even if it's a hole in the wall, it could well be better than what you have to put up with. If you can't move out on your own, see if you can crash at a friends for a time. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.
Well my father and I do appliance repair, and I'm still learning the ropes(got most of it) so moving outs kinda overkill.
The thing is, he's moving back in with his girlfriend(for the 3rd time in a month). But I shouldn't have done that, that's what I don't like. My father's about the nicest guy you'd ever meet, my uncle burned the clutch out our car(which we JUST put in like a month ago) and father didn't go crazy and knock him out, even when his response was "you'll get over it". I asked him how he can stay so calm, and his response was 'I've had a lifetime to practice' which didn't do me a lick of good. I just really, really don't like losing control like that.
I'm just going off of my personal experience with the person I know with this problem - I'm not sure if it's a universal thing for this disorder.
Regardless, it may be something to check out.
Either that or you really just snapped and acted out before giving your brain time to think it over. In other words, you acted out on a whim from the buildup of anger you already had for this guy. If you can't think of any previous history of this happening to you, it could have just been that. If you're really worried about it, I'd just suggest trying to keep note of your negative emotions (in this case, anger mostly) and work towards alleviating them. If the issue really was just the result of a buildup of anger, learning to not get that angry in the first place may be your best bet. I'm not the best source of examples for that, but I'm sure others here, or at least Google, could come up with some decent anger-relieving methods if you look for 'em.
[edit] this post was mostly a comment on your problem with your reaction, and not so much the situation you're in with your uncle...although, based on what you've said here, I'd have to agree that removing him (or yourself) from contact with the other would be the best thing to do, environment-wise.
Also, I can't stress this enough, don't give your uncle any money. Whatever you've given him 'till now might be lost forever, but don't send a "rescue party" after it, even if it's only $5.
Edit: Passive-Aggressive isn't about being passive then aggressive, to the best of my knowledge. From what I can tell, it's more about being aggressive passively. Obligatory Wikipedia article.
Actually this happened once before about two weeks ago, when we were swapping out some break shoes on a car, and he did a kind of 'play hit' thing on me and I just turned around and punched the crap out of his shoulder, but as soon as I do it, I feel like shit, but I just can't stop myself.
But this time, it was mostly because of his attitude toward it, I just got madder and madder(over the course of about a minute) and just popped him. Maybe I am passive aggressive, but it only seems to happen around him.
If he's anything like the instigators I've known in the past, he's probably whining now about how much he hurts or how much his stitches are going to cost him or spreading rumors about you or pulling other bullshit guilt-trip stuff.
You can't let people like that get to you. Basically, you need to set up some personal boundaries. You can't let other people control your actions. You need to be able to say, "I'm going to stay sane even if people around me are acting insane, because I make my own choices and nobody else owns me." Therapy and anger management classes can definitely help with that. Just don't want to see you beat yourself up, or worse, label yourself a "violent person" because you let some asshole drive you to do something you didn't want to do.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Huh...how odd. I absolutely know for a fact that this person was diagnosed with that as a result of one of the situations I described. I had no doubt in my mind that that was passive-aggressive disorder. I'll have to look into it and post any links if I find them, thanks for pointing that out!
There's such a thing as righteous anger. You had the right to get angry at him, he was an asshole to you. Your reaction caused him personal injury, but, like he said to your father: "he'll get over it". Even a concussion is not the end of the world.
Now, I don't know how this holds up legally, but I know that there are people out there who literally draw pleasure from extracting strong reactions from others. It gives them a feeling of power (I'm pretty sure there's a psycho-medical term for this, but it escapes me at this time.) In any case, some might say that reacting with a mere punch in this situation might, in fact, have been a show of restraint, who knows?
But now for some practical advice for dealing with instigators: In my experience, nothing unnerves instigators more than a cool-headed response confronting them about their bullshit. As I said before, instigators get enjoyment from seeing people freak out. Don't give them that pleasure.
You confront them about what they're doing, explaining to them that you know exactly what's going on. Example:
My brother and his girlfriend eat my food ALL the time. Before, I would get angry and tell them to stay out of my stuff and they would just laugh me off and continue doing it.
2 weeks ago, I changed my approach: I came up to my brother and said these words in a calm, collected fashion:
"You have been eating my food for months, and now I need more. We're going to go to the grocery store now and I'm going to replace my food, and you're going to compensate me, understood?"
At first he began to protest but I interrupted him with "You are a liar and a thief and I don't deserve to be disrespected like that. You know very well what you've done and you know very well that I'm right. Let's go."
With that, we went to the grocery store and I bought more groceries. All he could offer was a measly 20$ but the point is this: They haven't touched any of my food since.
Calm and confident Rationality > Irrational douchbaggery.
sorry for the length, but I hope you find it useful.
You really, really shouldn't solve your problems by punching people, but from the sounds of it, your uncle was asking for it. It's not something you should get in the habit of doing, but snapping one time does not mean you have an anger problem.
Besides, I would hope that if your uncle has half a brain, he'll know better than to fuck with you next time. Don't give him one red cent.
The thing is, he doesn't. He's totally burnt out. He was convinced he could be the next president of the United States(Like 100% serious). Which is right about the time I stopped finding him "Hey my silly Uncle" and more "my annoying Uncle". The guy cooked his own meth for a while, but he's family so my father has to take care of him, that's how we roll in our family, we loan money, without asking for it back, and all that kind of stuff.
My father just talked to him, and he said he didn't even know why I hit him. Despite telling him before hand. Ugh. I hate doped out idiots.
Just wondering how tall are you, how much you weigh and maybe percent body fat?
That's a bit of a weird question. I don't do the whole keeping track of stuff thing. I'd say probably 5'11, and maybe 180? I do have a weight machine in my house and have maxed out two of those, so it's mostly muscle.
Seriously, he was totally taking advantage of your family's kindness and tolerance. He was taking the fucking piss and rubbing it in your face. I notice that you haven't said much about getting into any trouble; I think your father may understand more than he lets on.
Do not feel bad. He was absolutely asking for it, he just didn't think you'd actually give it to him
Stop that. Your uncle knows this and he's taking advantage of you when it sounds like you need the money too. I'm from the same sort of family (broke yet generous) and learning how to say "no" to people like that is important for dudes like us. Never give money to a fuckin' tweaker, man.
Teach him how to support himself by kicking him out and not letting him back in. Let him get a job or cook up meth somewhere that won't cause any damage to anything you care about when the lab explodes. Sounds like he can sleep at his girlfriend's so he's not too bad off.
He had the punch coming, too.
1. Similar to a couple of other comments in this thread I try to think to myself "I don't want assault charges for a jerk like this. He should be the one being punished". So its a good way to think about it. I'm absolutely in agreement with the other posts here - there's nothing people like this guy hate more than someone that is in control and calm, when you can't push their buttons.
2. Talking to him like you did is a great sign that you're already good at managing anger. If you just walked up to him and punched him out without even saying why, thats when you have to step back and take a look at your actions. However, before you go to talk to someone about a subject like this, what works for me is taking a time out first. That doesn't always mean 'sleep on it' because after all, sometimes you have to make a stand immediately. But, what I try to do is think "Ok I'm going to go and say this exact sentence... what if he laughs at me? What will I do then? I will stand there until he stops laughing and tell him that his STD's may be amusing to him but not to me. What if he lies and says he didn't use my sponge? I will reply with my proof that he did in a calm manner. What if he tells me to screw off? I will calmly reply...." and so on, try to think through the worst case scenarios so that you're not surprised when he actually *does* say something jerkish. You've already planned for that. I find this helps me a lot with the people I know that I'd like to smash (mainly at work). When I'm already prepared with an answer for the stupidest stuff they can say, I'm one step ahead of the anger that I sometimes feel myself, too.
3. When you have the luxury of time, sometimes getting another opinion before going into a hostile situation is a good idea. Maybe quickly explain to a friend whats going on and let them know what you're going to say to practice.
4. Let yourself be angry about stuff, but do it before or after the situation. For example, if you feel a rush of adrenalin when you see he's used your sponge, you'd probably first want to take a jog or workout, release that pent-up anger in a healthy way, even rant at a good friend on the phone that doesn't mind some cuss words when they know you aren't mad at them. *Then* take your beef to the party that made you mad.
And if he does it again, I'd punch him in the fucking head again, right in his stitches. I'm not saying you SHOULD do that. That's what *I* would probably do. Sometimes, you need to knock some sense into people that don't want any. People can burn their own fucking lives out, but I'll kill someone before they haphazardly give me an STD, family or not.
pleasepaypreacher.net
Oh I'm not a fighter, I abhor violence. My uncle is smaller than me, but he's one of those guys that was a bully back in the day, the kind of guy that was always in a bar fight. The thing is, he still thinks he's this big bad ass that people are (or should be) scared of.
On the plus side my family is taking this opportunity to make fun of me:
My other uncle-"Hey, over on Reno and Robinson, theres a bunch of other old drunk guys if you want to go beat them up."
I've made my way into the family joke book. You know where your name becomes a joke. Like "You should get a job, you don't want to end up like Debbie."
I abhor violence, but I love ears. So I would be a terrible boxer. Seriously though, I'm 100% happy in my current job, not to mention I don't think I'd like getting punched in the face too much, myself.
As far as the family jokes that means your family approves of what happens, they joke with you because they find it humorous and they know it was rare and out of character, hence the joke
pleasepaypreacher.net
You punched him because he's a selfish douche who deserved it.
I have no problem giving money to friends if they need it. If however they are blowing through 400 dollars a week, you need to look at whether or not they are taking you for a ride.
Your Uncle has the problem, not you.
Satans..... hints.....
I have like Ocd or something, I hear stuff that nobody else hears, and I notice little things that nobody else does. The sponge was one of those things, it has a little string on it, and I had it facing toward the tub, and when I got up the next morning it was in a different position. I asked him before I hit him though. But he just has that cavalier attitude. The kind of guy that will put brake pads on backwards, and ruin the (argh can't think of the name) wheel thing and then respond 'You'll get over it'.
Mainly rotars. I'd be pissed off at that too considering it means you need to replace the rotars possibly brake pads and rebleed the entire brake line so you can reset the position of the pads to fit them.
Satans..... hints.....
Rotars, that was it, I knew it until I started to try to type it. Yeah, it wore into the metal, and he used to be a mechanic for a living. On the plus side the break side of the break shoes was fine.