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Wife is pregnant, not wanted
suicidexcuse
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
As the title states, my wife is pregnant. Complete accident, we are usually really good at using birth control but screwed up.
A bit of background. We currently have a 3 year old daughter. We were both against having any other kids. Always telling people that one is enough. My wife is working as an engineer making good money (80,000) and is set to receive her P Eng designation next February. If she were to give birth and stay home this would throw off her entire career path. She already missed one year due to having our first child. She does not want to stall her career path and have to deal with the strong stigma she already has of being the constant pregnant engineer.
As for me Im still in school and going to graduate in december as an accountant. Very employable and I should be making 40-45 a year when I get a job. We were both looking forward to my graduation because we could live much more comfortably with the addition of my salary. If she were to go on mat leave we would be making my 40,000 plus her 485 per week, thats 64,650 before taxes. This is the best case senario. I could have trouble finding a job, or the only available are much lower paying. Im just not sure we could live off that with two kids. We have almost no savings due to having to help her family and me going to school. So basically, we would be making much less with an extra kid.
We are actually thinking of abortion. My wife does not want to give birth. She is a very intense hypochondriac. Just as an example she doesnt like running because she says she can feel her internals moving lots and doesnt want everything to fall out while running. So another pregnancy and birth might make her even more worrisome but an abortion probably would as well. And to be perfectly honest we are both not the most emotionally stable people so an abortion might take a big toll on both of us. We were very very close to getting a divorce last year (made a thread about it). We are doing better as a couple but with another child, who knows.
For me I just dont know if I could take care of another child. I mean i think im a pretty good dad but with an extra kid im not so sure.
So basically im just asking for any advice on what to do here. Can we afford another child? Is abortion an option? What are the consequences?
A bit of background. We currently have a 3 year old daughter. We were both against having any other kids. Always telling people that one is enough. My wife is working as an engineer making good money (80,000) and is set to receive her P Eng designation next February. If she were to give birth and stay home this would throw off her entire career path. She already missed one year due to having our first child. She does not want to stall her career path and have to deal with the strong stigma she already has of being the constant pregnant engineer.
As for me Im still in school and going to graduate in december as an accountant. Very employable and I should be making 40-45 a year when I get a job. We were both looking forward to my graduation because we could live much more comfortably with the addition of my salary. If she were to go on mat leave we would be making my 40,000 plus her 485 per week, thats 64,650 before taxes. This is the best case senario. I could have trouble finding a job, or the only available are much lower paying. Im just not sure we could live off that with two kids. We have almost no savings due to having to help her family and me going to school. So basically, we would be making much less with an extra kid.
We are actually thinking of abortion. My wife does not want to give birth. She is a very intense hypochondriac. Just as an example she doesnt like running because she says she can feel her internals moving lots and doesnt want everything to fall out while running. So another pregnancy and birth might make her even more worrisome but an abortion probably would as well. And to be perfectly honest we are both not the most emotionally stable people so an abortion might take a big toll on both of us. We were very very close to getting a divorce last year (made a thread about it). We are doing better as a couple but with another child, who knows.
For me I just dont know if I could take care of another child. I mean i think im a pretty good dad but with an extra kid im not so sure.
So basically im just asking for any advice on what to do here. Can we afford another child? Is abortion an option? What are the consequences?
suicidexcuse on
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* Is it financially responsible to have another child?
* Is it something you both want?
* Is it something the relationship can handle?
* Is there anything else that this child represents to you emotionally?
* Are you both okay with any decision you both make?
The key here is to make the decision together. Don't make her feel like the bad guy, and don't bully each other about any decision, be open to all outcomes and rationals.
I'm sure an abortion would be fine medically and you could get one assuming it is early enough.
At the same time, you think you are going to make over 100k combined. She makes 80k herself. That's a bunch of money. Many people have kids on much less than that.
Look into getting a vasectomy then you don't have to worry about this again.
but they're listening to every word I say
I will tell you that it can work out. We had our third child with little financial stability and in the face of warnings that my wife might never walk again. That was almost true - she spent the first year after the delivery mostly in a wheelchair. It can work out, if you're dedicated to making it work out.
Whichever choice you make, I feel you should go get a vasectomy immediately. If you were as serious about never having kids again as you say in the OP, you should already have done it. So be a man and get the operation done - your wife deserves better than being placed in this situation again through carelessness or accident.
In my case, my second child was unexpected too. On top of all the anxiety about one of use having to give up our job due to the child we found out by December that the child has Down Syndrome. Neither one of us felt comfortable with abortion, but we did have a long conversation about it. Along with abortion, we discussed the possibility of placing the child for adoption. In fact it wasn't until late January that we finally ruled that out. I think as much as it is going to make our lives difficult for the foreseeable future, I just felt like I wanted to meet her, I wanted to get to know her, and I didn't care what her condition was.
Of course, this is my own very unique circumstance, and you may not have the same perspective on children, but I would urge you to consider placing the child for adoption. There are many wanna-be parents out there who would love to have a healthy child (even many who want kids with Down Syndrome!) and you could help bring a real gift to those people. Likewise you can feel good knowing that the child will be in a loving household of your choosing that is perhaps more stable than your own.
One thing I want to stress is that your wife will need your support whatever descision she makes, as making these kinds of choices can be very hard on some women. Make sure you let her know you are with her, whatever she decides.
There is nothing wrong with deciding to get an abortion. There's also nothing wrong with deciding to carry the baby to term. But it's a decision you and your wife are going to have to work out for yourselves.
And like others say, you should seriously look at getting a vasectomy if you really don't want any other children. Takes all the worry out of it.
Kinda depends on what facilitites are available in your state.
The people who have stated that abortion is a difficult decision that requires a lot of thought are entirely correct.
The thing to keep in mind, though, is that your attitudes towards abortion will depend upon the narratives you each decide to maintain. If you think of it as a medical procedure, that can be easier than thinking of it as terminating a fetus, or a wealth of other problematic phrases.
You need to both be honest about your attitudes and feelings. At the same time, though, you need to consider abortion within the larger frame of your life, your plans, your goals, your economic situations, and phrase the medical procedure in a way that genuinely articulates your interests and attitudes.
I'd suggest being very clear on what you think about abortion, and phrase your conversation accordingly.
If, to you and your wife, it's a medical procedure? Call it that.
If, to you and your wife, it's terminating a fetus? Call it that.
If, to you and your wife, it's "______"? Call it that.
When I've talked to friends about making the decision, they've appreciated the idea that they are in control of what language they use to discuss abortion. There can be a significant psychological benefit, for some people, to say they are "having a medical procedure" rather than "terminating a fetus".
So, that's something to consider.
We have an appointment to see our doctor next week. We live in alberta canada so I know its fully covered. This may sound stupid but are family doctors required to give us all information on our options or should we be going to a special clinic to get information on abortions. We just havent known our family doctor very long and she seems very prolife. She was actually the one who talked me out of a vasectomy.
Keep it, you can afford it and just get snipped at some point before the baby comes.
In general advice:
You and your wife need to make this decision together, it can't be all on one or the other. Careers are not going to just go away, especially if she's a badass engineer (not enough female engy's ever anywhere). Note that abortion is not just a "in and out, done" thing either, as there are quite possibly emotional and physical aftereffects. Even women I knew who weren't psyched about being preggers and miscarried had some seriously dark days for quite a while afterward.
Since she also worries about the social stigmata at her job having the child and giving it up for adoption sounds like a bad idea as well because that's probably going to be another awkward story to share at the watercooler for her.
In this case I do think that abortion might be your best option, sounds better than having a child that is unwanted and might have to shoulder the blame for it's parents unhappiness further down the road(because you made it clear that things are not easy in your relationship).
But in the end that is not a decision anyone here can make for you. People might influence you either way, seeing that there are both very religious people/pro lifers and atheists/choicers on this forum.
I respect either opinion, but personally I would not want an unwanted child and think that the pressure that is put on pregnant women to "choose life" is just more unneeded psychological ballast in an already difficult situation.
Talk it over with your wife, my impression is that you are both not against an abortion and do not feel that abortion is murder/infanticide/whatever.
This depends on the woman a great deal. I've known a woman (girl really, as she was 15) who was devistated after having an abortion. And I know another woman who never regretted it for a moment, and consideres it one of the best descisions she ever made. So milage may very.
For many of my close friends who have chosen abortion, months or even years later, they are dealing with the emotional consequences of that choice and seem to also be surprised by their feelings. While I'm not saying that the same will happen to you (as I've also had friends who decided on an abortion and were emotionally comfortable with their decision years later), it's an important factor to look into in addition to the medical/surgical procedures mentioned by others.
You have plenty of money for another child. People do it on a fraction of your money. Any workplace that would judge her for being pregnant is nowhere worth working at. If you don't want to put the new baby into daycare straightaway maybe you yourself could do the stay-at-home dad thing for a few months?
You should be really annoyed at your doctor who talked you out of a vasectomy. When you have time, complain about her to whoever takes complaints about doctors, and don't take no for an answer when you go for a vasectomy the next time (which you should do.) Also get a new doctor.
For what it's worth, I perform anesthesia for inpatient and outpatient abortions weekly. If you or your wife has any questions regarding how the actual procedure will go down and what she should expect I'd be more than happy to provide it via PM.
When selecting which spouse should stay at home, income is a key criterion. You make $0 now and at most that you'll make when you graduate is 50% of your wife. Become the house-husband, and you'll prevent a reduction in the family standard of living.
Actually, this is really the best advice here.
If it was me, I'd keep it.
As a female engineer I just wanted to comment on this part. While maternity leave will delay things a little bit it's certainly not a death knell to her career. A good company will work with your wife and not hinder her. In addition, she should not have a stigma at her job about being constantly pregnant. If these are serious concerns I would highly recommend that she speak with her supervisor and/or HR department. It can be rough being the only young woman working with a bunch of older men but that doesn't mean she should put up with feeling harassed or punished for her life decisions.
Just so we're clear here, though, this plays out differently for different people. When my girlfriend and I decided abortion was our best route, she went and had the procedure and neither of us have had any regrets since. There's no rule saying that either of you are going to feel any undue guilt or depression after the fact; it has a lot to do, I imagine, with how you actually feel about the situation beforehand. In that case, just make sure you are both being completely open and honest with each other about your feelings.
But it's ultimately her decision, and the best thing you can do is be supportive of whatever that decision is.
They are both trying, difficult experiences. Make the decision that's best for you and your family, long term.
And yeah, your wife needs therapy if she seriously thinks or fears that her insides are going to fall out with some minor physical exertion, because that is NOT normal or healthy.
Honestly, from the wording of your post, it sounds like you really don't like kids, and that in itself is a pretty good reason not to have more.
That's all just commentary though. Whatever you decide, get your vasectomy so you never have to make this decision again. If your doctor won't help you with it, find one who will.
Physically/medically speaking, pregnancy is substantially more dangerous, and substantially harder on your body.
I watched my ex-wife go through it, it's amazing what it does to your body (and I don't mean amazing in the good way). My ex was a health nut when she was pregnant, exercised, ate incredibly well, took every prenatal vitamin recommended to her plus some. My daughter came out healthy as all get out, but it easily put ten years on to my ex's body. In the span of nine months, she went from 25 to 35.
It's already been covered that they don't necessarily need to do it this way, so don't come in peddling unwarranted fears please.
Yeah, this is not how an actual abortion is done. Again, I perform anesthesia on a weekly basis for outpatient and inpatient abortions for a variety of women in a variety of trimesters. I'm more than willing to explain things via PM if anyone has any serious questions.
If he's in the Seattle area he needs to go to Dr. Snip.
If you do not really want the child, have an abortion. Even if you have negative feelings about the abortion, that's better than having a child that you didn't really want. The child is around for a lot longer.
And on the complete opposite hand, an abortion isn't something you can change your mind about - you can't say "oops, I actually wanted that child" and reverse it. When it's been done, it's done.
So think very carefully, but remember that ultimately this is her decision.
GIS is evil
This is late, but as a Canadian medical student I thought someone else might find this useful, since it wasn't answered.
In Canada, doctors are legally required to give you all the relevant information about abortions, or to refer you to someone who will without delay. There are no bullshit laws like describing the fetus to you like they have in the US, and if they did something like that you could complain to the college and get them in a very large amount of trouble. First trimester abortions are incredibly safe procedures (far safer than pregnancy) and there is absolutely no future risk of breast cancer, no increased risk of mental illness including depression in the near or distant future, and no reduction in her fertility should you want another child down the road. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, and if they are a medical professional, should be reported to their college.
There's been great advice on this thread (other than the people making shit up about abortion), so I don't feel I need to add to that, but this particular statement caught my eye.
It's *not* true that you can easily predict "oh, she can just pump or you can give formula and it doesn't cost much really". Pregnancy and childbirth can have complications such that Mom can't just jump right back into work after a few weeks. Children, as the OP already knows, create huge opportunity costs - particularly if there are any complications or ongoing medical problems. It's not just X salary off for Y years, but additional costs in everything from housing to food to time off from work. I'm *not* suggesting that children are a horrible financial burden that will ruin the OP; only that it's kind of a myth that Mom can just hop out of bed after a few weeks and pump/give formula and everything's easy. BTDT.
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Also you need to think of this.... career/work is not always going to give you fulfilling life. Just make sure what your doing because I feel you will face hardships in whatever choice you make. All I am asking is don't just think how things will play out in the next year or two but long term.
Would it be to much to meet a therapist/life coach/religious figure to really think about this? I have this gut feeling if you do get an abortion every time you see your first child, your gonna see your aborted fetus.
I am just making sure you think all scenarios before making a decision and I hope my post just makes you think on the whole picture.
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!