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4 years relationhip and no sex
tdot1989
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Registered User new member
Me 22 years old and my girlfriend 19 years old have been Been dating for exactly 4 years. She is my first girlfriend and I am her first boyfriend. We are both from middle eastern families, but was raised in a different society and we are moderately open minded.
Since it was our first relationship, we have struggled a lot and made it up to now. We are really committed and planning to marry each other. Now we are both in university studying and we are not settled up yet.
During these four years we have had oral sex but nothing more. The oral sex has been going on for almost 2 years and this has become something that doesn't take my attention too much.
Although sex shouldn't be a problem in a long term and committed relationship, but I strongly feel, that she doesn't trust me completely to be with her in the future.
Well, I love her and can't leav her as I couldn't during these 4 years.
I have asked her about vaginal sex and she rejected it every time. Her reasons are as follows:
1-I don't feel secure!
2-I want to have it on my wedding night, and I think wedding should be something completely a new experience!
3- I am not a girl who is westernized with the culture and relations!
4- sex isn't the only thing that kept us close and she want me to be more patient.
Well, how patient does she want me to be? Another 4 years until we get engaged or married!?
She threat if i want to have sex, then she will break up and I can go have sex with anybody I want.
We study the same program at university an we have common classes. The same thing at high school but after she moved out of our area I used to drive 70 kilometer to go and meet her 3 or 2 times a week.
We have spent a lot of time together and we both love each other, and most importantly our purpose of this relationship is only marriage . But I don't really know why she doesn't Want to have vaginal sex and this really bothers me.
I don't compare my relationship to anybody else's but there I have this problem with her.
What should I do?
What is the reason?
Since it was our first relationship, we have struggled a lot and made it up to now. We are really committed and planning to marry each other. Now we are both in university studying and we are not settled up yet.
During these four years we have had oral sex but nothing more. The oral sex has been going on for almost 2 years and this has become something that doesn't take my attention too much.
Although sex shouldn't be a problem in a long term and committed relationship, but I strongly feel, that she doesn't trust me completely to be with her in the future.
Well, I love her and can't leav her as I couldn't during these 4 years.
I have asked her about vaginal sex and she rejected it every time. Her reasons are as follows:
1-I don't feel secure!
2-I want to have it on my wedding night, and I think wedding should be something completely a new experience!
3- I am not a girl who is westernized with the culture and relations!
4- sex isn't the only thing that kept us close and she want me to be more patient.
Well, how patient does she want me to be? Another 4 years until we get engaged or married!?
She threat if i want to have sex, then she will break up and I can go have sex with anybody I want.
We study the same program at university an we have common classes. The same thing at high school but after she moved out of our area I used to drive 70 kilometer to go and meet her 3 or 2 times a week.
We have spent a lot of time together and we both love each other, and most importantly our purpose of this relationship is only marriage . But I don't really know why she doesn't Want to have vaginal sex and this really bothers me.
I don't compare my relationship to anybody else's but there I have this problem with her.
What should I do?
What is the reason?
tdot1989 on
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It seems from this that she isn't down with pre-marital sex. It sounds like you're either going to have to break up with her or marry her.
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I should also point out that there is nothing wrong with her staying strong about waiting. You are both allowed to have exactly the amount of sex you want, be that a whole bunch, or none at all.
The material point is that if you cannot come to an accord on this without pressuring each other, then perhaps you'd both be happier with other partners.
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You have to ask yourself: Will sex be great after I marry her?, is it worth to wait and then find out we are not entirely compatible?
Your non-silly-goose options are to marry her now, or to break up with her now. Your silly-goose option is to ignore WHAT SHE IS PLAINLY TELLING YOU because it isn't want you want to hear. As others have said, there's nothing wrong with her wanting to wait, and there's nothing wrong with your not wanting to wait. What's wrong is that you want sex, and you refuse to accept that she isn't ready. Believe me when I tell you that "If you say something I don't want to hear, I'm going to pretend I didn't understand it" is a terrible basis for a relationship.
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Have you talked about what you want from your sex life post-marriage? The last thing you want to do is marry her and still be dealing with the "I don't feel secure" or other related mindsets. If someone can go 4 years without sex in their teens when virtually everyone is a walking ball of hormones there's a decent chance they just aren't into the idea.
Probably it's the peer pressure that bother me and the kind of thoughts that we have doesn't match in this case.
I want to have sex with her not because I feel to have it sometimes but just because I am sure that she is the one that I want to live with. Otherwise having sex with strangers is easy , but I just can't be one that doesn't care.
I have another question,
If I stop being intimate with her and totally act normal would she notice it?
What would she think ? And what will she do?
And what answer could I give her if she asked me about the reason?
Why would you stop being intimate with her anyway?
These are all questions you should be asking yourself since you actually know her and we do not.
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Stop. If this is your line of thought, break up with her.
Yes that's what I am thinking about.
Having sex for me at this age with my seriousness means a lot and I don't see any bad intention in my purpose with having sex before marriage.
My social and financial situations enables me to find somebody else for sex really easy but I am just not the kind to do so.
If I feel secure with her and my relationship why doesn't she feel the same?
She is saying that she will have sex when our families start meeting each other and speak about us. As of now, everybody in my family is aware of this relationship and my commitment to it. In her side, her only sister and cousins plus her mom are aware of my presence in her life. Also, some of our family friends and all our friends know about us. The only person that doesn't know is her father and she is scared if her father find out about it.
Why don't I step in for an engagement?
The reason is, I need to finish my education and get a job in my field and this is what she thinks about too.
Second, I need to save some money in order to have a back up to start a common life.
She already met my family, but I haven't met her mother and father yet because of the reasons above.
If she isn't the one, and you really really want to have sex, then break up with her. Again, is she worth the wait or not? only you can answer that question.
Also as a side thought and I am hesitant to mention it, but if oral is acceptable but vaginal intercourse is...well you do have a third option.
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Look she told you already, she's going to wait! Obviously sex isn't that big of an influence on how she much she loves you. Acting like a child to get her to "realize how great sex actually is" is not only extremely passive aggressive but its also downright mean. That doesn't seem like a very logical thing to do to someone you claim to be in love with.
As others have said, there are lots of ways to be sexually active without vaginal penetration. Maybe you should explore those a little more before you do something emotionally unkind to your girlfriend!
Maybe have a conversation with her about this, ask her what she does and doesn't feel comfortable with
You love her enough to respect her decisions about sex, or you want sex more than you want her. There's nothing wrong with breaking up with her because you want it and she doesn't, but there is everything wrong with emotional blackmail.
You are allowed to want sex. She is allowed to not want it. If you can't get over the fact that she is allowed to not want it then you need to start thinking about letting her go and seeing someone else, in that order.
And just so you know, not sneaking around and finding or buying sex because you love her is not doing her some great favor: it is the minimum expectation in a loving, purportedly monogamous relationship. But then again, so is not being pressured into having sex when you don't want to or aren't ready.
I think what you should do is talk to her about this. That's always the answer anyway. You need to explain to her that this is such a big deal for you that you're thinking about breaking up.
I don't think that's emotional blackmail - I think that's being honest. People in relationships need to be able to talk about their differences, whether it's sex, money, taste in TV, whatever. That conversation may well make your girlfriend feel bad, or pressured, but she is an adult too, and you can't have a relationship which is based around never saying anything that would make your partner feel bad.
But you should remember that even if you were able to convince her to change her decision, she may well resent you for that and that could damage the relationship too. Getting what you want may feel good in the short term, but may damage your relationship permanently.
In the end, all you can do is be honest, avoid playing power games such as with-holding affection, and treat her as an adult. Don't try to control her, but don't make the mistake of trying to be a gentleman. Marriage is for the rest of your life, and you are going to have other problems than this - nobody lives through 60 years+ of marriage without having problems. Finding the right way to get through this problem is more important than sex. You have to be brave enough to admit that this might break you up, and talk about it as adults.
They have talked about it enough that he knows her exact reasons for wanting to wait, and he is dismissive and belittling of those reasons. This is clearly a conversation they've had, he just doesn't like the answer he's getting so he's trying to figure out ways to pressure her via passive-aggressive manipulation. He said she has asked for his patience... and he is not interested in giving it to her. What would saying to her "have sex with me or we break up" do to her after all this? Placing the responsibility for their relationship on her virginity is NOT fair. It's sexist, manipulative, and mean, and she's said she doesn't want to. What else is "no" supposed to mean here?
You keep telling she's the one and you love her, yet you don't respect her decision and are trying to force her into sex with you by withholding all affection. Doesn't sound like love to me. Sounds like you really want something and are willing to do anything to get it, at the expense of your girdlriend.
Let's say she breaks down and has sex with you. Then what? She'll probably feel like shit because she didn't live up to her own ideals and will resent you forever for forcing her into something she wasn't comfortable with. Does that sound something you want in your relationship?
You really need to evaluate your wants and needs and your relationship.
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It's scary - because you can't imagine not being with that person - but I can't see this ending well, based on how you feel, how she feels, and what has transpired so far.
She's not very likely to want to have vaginal sex with you if she feels pressured every time you are fooling around together. Drop the vaginal sex issue completely for a while, and focus on getting her off and making her feel awesome in bed. If you work hard at getting her off and making her enjoy the sex you are having (you are having sex, oral sex is sex), she is much, much more likely to want to have vaginal sex with you eventually. The important thing is that you stop asking her about why she won't have vaginal sex with you, and start getting her off as often as possible. Once she starts to really have fun with your sex life, you'll both be happier with the sex you're having. Experiment with figuring out what she likes--i.e. does she like it when you go down on her? how does she like to be fingered? have you tried fooling around with a vibrator together? If you're both really enjoying the sex you're having, the vaginal sex thing will become a non-issue.
p.s. This is actually Landwehr's girlfriend, I was looking over his shoulder at this thread. Sorry if this seems explicit, but we are talking about sex here.
Have you discussed birth control together? She may be hesitant about sex if you haven't made a plan together about preventing pregnancy. Condoms are very effective when used correctly, but she might want to use a backup method as well. Oral contraceptives, Implanon and IUDs are all very, very effective, and can be used in conjunction with condoms.
This is probably a conversation for sometime in the future, but once you are ready to have vaginal sex, there are plenty of effective options out there. If you initiate a conversation about birth control with her, and do some research yourself, it may make her more open to the idea of vaginal sex before marriage. (MAYBE--she may still not want to consider vaginal sex, but it will at least show that you are thinking about it responsibly.)
While "Have sex with me or we break up" would be a terrible way to put it, I don't think the sentiment is inherently wrong. I mean, if he isn't willing to wait until marriage - which is completely acceptable - that's what it all boils down to. She wants to wait, he doesn't. He may have thought he'd be okay with waiting when they first had their talk and then realized he wasn't as okay as he thought. Which sucks, but people make mistakes.
The most important thing, as others have said, is that you need to be honest, both with her and yourself. If breaking up is what needs to happen, it will be hard for both of you, but it will only get harder the longer you wait. Whatever you do, though, put time into your decision. Don't break up with her because you're feeling particularly horny and you want some vagina right this instant. Figure out what you really want and need, explain your needs openly and honestly with your girlfriend, and take it from there. But prepare for the very real possibility that the discussion will end up with you two parting ways.
My issue isn't with not wanting to wait, but rather with giving her an ultimatum. She has made her feeling on the matter crystal clear, and an ultimatum is just another way of trying to force her hand. It shouldn't be a do-this-or-we're-done thing; if he decides he can't wait it should be "I feel like I need this and you aren't ready, so we need to break up." I mean, that's just if he actually cares about her.
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I don't think we're really in much disagreement here. I sort of assume an implied ultimatum in "I feel like I need this and you aren't ready, so we need to break up," though. Presumably if she changed her mind and decided she wanted to have sex after all, they wouldn't need to break up. Whenever someones says, "I need X and you are Y," the assumption is that if you became Y, the relationship would be reparable. There is a dick way and a non-dick way to express this, however, and explicitly bringing up the ultimatum more or less cements him in the dick category.
Not to mention it might make her even more uncomfortable and insecure with the idea of vaginal sex if you pretty much tell her "I'm breaking up because you won't have vaginal sex with me."
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The real question is - do you value this aspect of your culture, or would you prefer dating someone with a less traditional attitude? If so, it would be better to set your girlfriend free to find someone more suitable for her. You absolutely should not pressure her into doing something she is not comfortable with.
So I suppose the question is. Do you see a future with this woman? I mean really see a future. If you can see spending the rest of your life with her, then maybe engagement and marriage isn't a bad option. However if you do not see yourself with her in 50 years, then perhaps finding someone else is more advantageous. And really you both are in college, at 22 and 19 you should live a little anyways.
And generally speaking, the older you are when you get married, the better your chances at staying married. At 22 and 19, you're both still growing into the adults you will eventually be. By getting married, you're betting on both of you growing in the same direction, which is in no way a sure thing, nor even something you can really control.
Which isn't to say "Don't get married" so much as "reallllly put some thought into this before you commit, if that's what you're considering."
It is possible to love someone and have the presence of mind to see it may be time to move on.
You can't change her mind, trick her, or cajole her away from this and any attempt at doing so will make you at least a douche, and at maximum a rapist. So drop that line of thinking...right now. Seriously. Now.
You either need to find a way to respect and live with her choice...(Which, from your posting sounds like you can't) or you need to break up and find someone who is willing to be more sexually open with you.
And if you break up - be honest. You don't respect her choice - you like her a whole lot and you want her to like you too, but the way that you give and receive that level of "like" is, at some measure, shared through sex. She doesn't think so, you do. Therefore you are incompatible and should find other people who ARE compatible. This should not be an attempt to "Guilt" her into reversing her decision.
If you pull the trigger on breaking up - do not accept sex from her, even if she offers it. It'll be cheap and douchey and she'll resent you for it in the end.