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I'm not good with girls.
Stupid Anon
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Alright, a little embarrassing. I'm 21 years old and I have no experience with girls. As in, never had a GF, never kissed one, etc. I had severe acne in high school and I was also obese and I let this impact my confidence quite a bit.
These days, my acne has almost completely cleared up and I've lost all the weight and girls are finally starting to show interest. Except, I'm not sure at all how to proceed. What I'm sure are basic things that you all have dealt with in high school are making me panic and freak out.
My current dilemma is this. I'm friends with a girl. We've been talking for a few months. She is definitely interested in me; we've been talking suggestively quite a bit but never crossing that line, you know? And I've been enjoying it. Except today she outright told me she wanted more than friendship with me. The thing is... I'm not entirely sure if I like her in that way. I know dating doesn't equal marriage, but is it right to enter into a relationship with someone if you're sort of indifferent from the outset? I mean she's pretty, funny, and very smart, but something is missing. I don't really look at her and think "I have to be with her", you know?
Part of me wants to start dating her just so I can get it out of the way and finally get some experience, but that feels incredibly douche-y. I would just be using her. Because I think she feels very strongly for me and I don't think it would be casual for both of us.
Some further issues: I'm still grappling with feelings for another girl that I'm barely starting to get over. Also, this girl who likes me now is hanging out with all my friends, too. So if things did get ugly, our little group events would have to stop, at least for a while.
What are your thoughts? I kind of like where we are now and to be honest the thought of a girlfriend is insanely scary to me. I mean it's not like I don't want one, but now that it's here, I'm very nervous about the whole thing. I've been completely independent my entire life. Please, H/A, tell me the lessons you learned in middle school with Cindy Lou. Is it okay to start dating someone even if you're not THAT into them at the beginning? And what about if that person is a friend who hangs out with your group and all that?
To be completely honest, I don't even know what I would say if I do wind up turning her down. We've been flirty so I feel like I've been leading her on. But I thought it was just the casual kind! I really didn't know it would lead to anything. Man, I am terrible at this stuff.
Thanks in advance.
These days, my acne has almost completely cleared up and I've lost all the weight and girls are finally starting to show interest. Except, I'm not sure at all how to proceed. What I'm sure are basic things that you all have dealt with in high school are making me panic and freak out.
My current dilemma is this. I'm friends with a girl. We've been talking for a few months. She is definitely interested in me; we've been talking suggestively quite a bit but never crossing that line, you know? And I've been enjoying it. Except today she outright told me she wanted more than friendship with me. The thing is... I'm not entirely sure if I like her in that way. I know dating doesn't equal marriage, but is it right to enter into a relationship with someone if you're sort of indifferent from the outset? I mean she's pretty, funny, and very smart, but something is missing. I don't really look at her and think "I have to be with her", you know?
Part of me wants to start dating her just so I can get it out of the way and finally get some experience, but that feels incredibly douche-y. I would just be using her. Because I think she feels very strongly for me and I don't think it would be casual for both of us.
Some further issues: I'm still grappling with feelings for another girl that I'm barely starting to get over. Also, this girl who likes me now is hanging out with all my friends, too. So if things did get ugly, our little group events would have to stop, at least for a while.
What are your thoughts? I kind of like where we are now and to be honest the thought of a girlfriend is insanely scary to me. I mean it's not like I don't want one, but now that it's here, I'm very nervous about the whole thing. I've been completely independent my entire life. Please, H/A, tell me the lessons you learned in middle school with Cindy Lou. Is it okay to start dating someone even if you're not THAT into them at the beginning? And what about if that person is a friend who hangs out with your group and all that?
To be completely honest, I don't even know what I would say if I do wind up turning her down. We've been flirty so I feel like I've been leading her on. But I thought it was just the casual kind! I really didn't know it would lead to anything. Man, I am terrible at this stuff.
Thanks in advance.
Stupid Anon on
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I had a girlfriend in high school, and what I went through was pretty similar to what you're going through now. There's no right answer. A lot of it was apprehension, feeling unsure, and trying to figure it out before I had to make a decision, which often didn't help anyway.
In your case, you may be overreacting since she stated she's interested in a relationship. She's basically forced your hand, and now you have to decide if you actually like her, which may cause you to think you don't like her. There's really very little about a first relationship that's "getting it out of your system," though, as it's really more "fumbling along and seeing when you fuck it up unintentionally, and then learning from your mistake."
She said she wants to try more of a relationship, and if you're open to it, you just say yes. The first step would be that you tell her that you're nervous since you've never been in one before. Tell her that you're worried about your friends and that although you like her too, you're pretty new to the whole thing.
Don't worry about this other girl you mention -- at least what you're going through with this friend of yours is a real experience, and not just a crush from afar. And don't worry -- if things don't work out, or if you find that you don't actually like her, it's not "being douchey" unless you refuse to talk to her about it. Don't lie, don't cheat, and be honest. As long as you do that, you'll be a "good guy."
Just practice a policy of transparency with her, and don't hide this fact.
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I also feel like some of your hesitation in this whole situation is based on your inexperience, so just do it. And be happy. Have fun. etc.
To be honest, a lot of my apprehension stems from something that I forgot to mention in the first post: She just got out of a long relationship (like, two or three years) about a month ago. And I just feel it's too soon to jump into something.
I think I'll tell her why I'm apprehensive and that I'm not looking for something serious right now. I still wouldn't mind fooling around and something extremely casual, but I don't want something super intense so soon, you know?
This is excellent advice right here. Give her a chance. (As long as you aren't physically repulsed by her or anything. It isn't shallow or somehow deficient for you to want to be attracted to someone you're going to date.)
For the record, don't feel like you're getting a super late start with the ladies or anything. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 21 either, and I didn't get to the point of feeling comfortable talking to girls and deliberately advancing things in a romantic direction (getting numbers, asking out on dates and whatnot) until this year. I turn 28 in september. ;-)
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. My general rule of thumb is that a single person should never say "no" to a first date, and you should probably also always agree to a second date if the first date didn't go horribly. Those first two dates are mainly supposed to be about figuring out if you could see yourself being romantically involved with someone. Sometimes you find out that the really cute girl you met last weekend is actually a horrible, horrible human being. Sometimes you discover that a person you were initially on the fence about actually has some surprising and amazing qualities that you hadn't taken into account before.
On the other hand, once you know for certain that there's no long term future for the relationship, both of you will be better off in the long run if you acknowledge it so that you can each have the freedom to continue looking for someone who is LTR material.
That sort of thing doesn't have to be the end of the world as long as you're both emotionally mature about how you handle it. I hasten to add, though, that in my experience, there aren't a lot of people out there with the emotional maturity to handle that sort of thing. Most people don't actually get more mature with age, they're just more articulate about acting childish.
I think what'll help you most going forward would be developing the courage to articulate clearly what it is that you feel or want -- even if you're not sure what it is yet that you feel or want, in which case you should clearly articulate that. In the case of your friend, I think you should probably tell her that you feel confused and uncertain. It's okay to be uncertain and inexperienced. It's even okay to be a little bit afraid of how dating would affect your friendship with each other as well as within the larger group. Go ahead and own those feelings. They're nothing to be ashamed of.
After having an honest conversation about what you're feeling, if she's still interested in trying something more, maybe agree to two dates and see how it goes. If it works out, swell. If it doesn't, it doesn't, and that doesn't have to be anyone's fault.
It takes a surprising amount of bravery to tell another person what you're honestly feeling, but the better you get at it, the easier dating will be generally.
Wow, dude, no. This is horrible advice. If she says she wants a relationship, which she pretty much has, you don't assume she automatically just wants a casual fling or is ok with the whole teenage-level "put your arm around her thing". FFS, that is douchetastic. If someone says "I'm interested in you as more than a friend", you don't have sex with them and then pretend you had no clue. "What, I thought you just wanted to bone? How was *I* supposed to know you wanted more? I am shocked, shocked that you took my opportunistic grouping as a sign that I concurred with your romantic interest in me! Good day, madam!"
StupidAnon, other than the "it's slippery, jump it" silly goosery there, you've been getting some excellent advice here. As long as you're honest with her about your feelings and intentions, there's nothing wrong with dating her to see how it works out. You might stay meh and then you can tell her that you like her as a friend but it's not working out; you might find yourself liking her a lot more.
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The summer I graduated high school I remember going out on two dates with two different girls that were acquaintances. I thought they were fun to be around, cute, and wanted to see if something was there. I had fun hanging out with them, but did not really have any feelings for them and going on the date proved we were better as friends.
Yes, I know what you're saying. You're saying that he should not bother being honest with his friend and should take advantage of her interest to get some action, which is horrible advice. (Also, seriously, your post is right there. Even if we pretend that making out just means plain old kissing, "casual fling" and "casually fooling around" don't.)
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It's still a weird thing to do if you're just feeling out how you feel about the person.
Making out with someone before you really know how you feel about them just feels weird, and can put the OP as well as the girl in question off the whole thing.
Also according to the OP, the girl has feelings for him. So she will, in fact, consider making out a big deal.
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This. Just try the relationship on. It's OK. It's not an arranged marriage, it's a few dates. If you aren't feeling it after a few weeks, chances are she won't be either.
I host a podcast about movies.
I look back and laugh at myself, because I was so terrified of the ladies. I grew out of it, and I'm okay now. But I was obsessed with one girl or another all through High School and most of College. When I met the woman who is now my wife, I was completely madly in love with this other girl who I was friends with, but she (I'm pretty sure) wasn't really interested in me like that. My future wife and I were friends, and then close friends, and then we began hanging out every day. We were just were so comfortable around one another and could talk about anything together. She was just coming out of a 3-year relationship a few months before, but she mentioned that she was interested in more than just friendship, and I shot her down a few times, until I decided I wasn't going to live in fear of being taken when that girl I liked was finally interested. I said "Screw that girl" (not literally, of course), and decided to see how I felt about this other girl that was smart and funny and interesting could offer. Turns out, I liked what she had to offer, and we got married (Cue 'Dawww').
Anywho, I'm not saying this chick is you're future wife or anything...but it's definitely worth checking into if that little blurb that you mentioned in your OP is actually why you aren't really interested in this "pretty, funny, and very smart" girl.
I host a podcast about movies.