[TRENCHES] Thursday, May 31, 2012 - Transmission
LegionPerseus VeilRegistered User, Moderator, Penny Arcade Staff, Vanilla Staff vanilla
Transmission
http://trenchescomic.com/comic/post/transmission
What’s up with Donuts?
AnonymousEditor’s Note: We received these stories at different times throughout the year from different people.
Story A:
The game was an FPS for a major system, a pre-release title that was supposed to define the platform. It was also intended to support 64-players, so they hired around eighty testers.On the first day the game shat the bed; it became immediately clear that it wouldn’t get anywhere near sixty-four players. Over the next two weeks, management found reasons to gradually fire over thirty people. The rest of us got donuts.
Donuts became a signal. When our recruiter showed up with donuts, someone got fired. I had donuts at least once a week for the length of the project. Because they were donuts, we all ate them. They were like the pomegranates of Hades, too tasty to pass up. And just like the pomegranates of Hades, they trapped us, the collective Persephone, in a six-month cycle of gut-wracking, nerve-grinding, whip-driven stress.
I avoid donuts now. The smell of uncertainty. They stink of fear.
And they carry the reek of a Vichy collaborator, eating pastries to the sound of tromping jackboots and the sobs of vanishing comrades.
Story B:
I am afraid of donuts because I worked as a tester.Let me start at the beginning.
Most Grunt QA work for the Big 3 are actually done by staffing firms. The firm I worked for hired 80 or so people to test a launch title for one of the platforms. As the project continued, the staff diminished in size, and the hours increased, but that’s typical. What was unique was the way in which people were removed from the testing pool.
The HR rep for our firm would come by every couple of days just to see how we were doing, make sure there weren’t any problems, and she would bring snacks. Candy bars, Jimmy Johns, etc.
The second weekend of the project she brought Krispy Kreme. Awesome, and after she left we noticed that all the real problem people were gone (the guy who played WoW, the guys who posted info about the game on official forums, etc.)
Two weeks pass, and again she arrives with Krispy Kreme. A few more people are winnowed from the pool. Not bad guys, just… low bug counts. That’s okay, no problems there. 64 testers is plenty.
Multiplayer max gets reduced, and the Krispy Kreme comes again. As the donuts vanish, they take a fifth of our team with them. Oh, and the hours are longer this week.
Three weeks later. More donuts. The single player group is being culled. Instead of one tester per level it’s me and another guy on co-op, and two guys running single player. Longer hours.
Two weeks after that, more donuts. We don’t need so many on multiplayer. Work longer.
A month passes without donuts. Game is almost stable.
The following Friday. We walk into the little break room and there are two boxes of Krispy Kreme. Quiet whispers pass between the remaining testers. Nobody wants to eat them. Donuts cause job loss.
There she stands, nicest person in the world. She picks out one person at a time and walks them out of the room (just to talk about how things are going). They don’t come back. Now there are only twelve testers left.
Launch approaches. The game MUST ship. The game DOES ship. We made it to the end. We, the final twelve, have been assured that other projects await us within Microsoft.
We walk into the break room, it’s our final day before moving to a different building, a different project. More work. There’s a box of donuts on the table.
A dozen donuts.
One for each of us.
I wasn’t hungry.
Posts
Donuts are now a little unsettling to me.
STOP
I like Red Robin because they are willing to cook their burgers medium.
And now I want to eat endless steak fries.
All signs point to Perfect Dark Zero - a first-party launch title with 32-player multiplayer "at one point up to 50 players but the graphics just couldn't handle it." (-Wikipedia)
I think we have our subject.
Also: someone got named. Bomb was dropped.
Assuming the stories are indeed of same batch and not simply similar practices, were the defining titles for the Xbox not Halo and Gears of War?
As already mentioned, WoW didn't exist when Halo was in development.
So they easy for the person picking them up and people love them. Sounds like it is recruiting/HR that these guys should be scared of, not the treats they bring.
Really, no shit. :P The point/joke is that they now dislike donuts because they have negative associations for them. They don't actually believe that eating the donuts is itself some sort of trap or gets you fired. I don't think this is that complicated.
your = belonging to you
their = belonging to them
there = not here
they're = they are
Well yeah I understand that. But you don't get anywhere with unrational fears. The second story shows more strength in that the writer didn't eat the donuts because they knew they were about to be fired.
I suppose a matrix of multiple equations versus multiple unknowns was indeed a useful solution after all. Thanks high school math teacher!
Feh. "Strength." You're getting fired either way. Enjoy a last donut on the company dime.
Seriously guys. You're missing this point. Free donuts.
Now this is man that has his glass half full!
Well gosh, I suppose I might as well settle in for a nice cuppa ...... this is gonna be good!
Then, magically, you hear that acceptance has been received! It's a weight off. The foreboding you used to feel as you shuffled to the Producer with a holiday request form is banished. He *smiles* now as he takes it off you and lets you know that, no, there will not be a problem. There will be a party. There may be a small bonus. There will be the relaxed hours and research of the new design cycle when you get back to the office after your break.
I know that the testers room was quiet but I guess I never really thought about what that meant...
...
I already avoid sweets at work because every other day is someone's birthday (free cake) or some one had a lunch meeting (extra sandwiches in the break room) or a project deadline is looming (come get donuts down by X's desk). If I didn't avoid them, I would be packing 20-30 lbs extra by now.
Stop was used back in the day when the telegraph was the needed method of communication. Not sure why anybody would still use the "Stop" thing now but it is pretty damned funny.
twitch.tv/Taramoor
@TaramoorPlays
Taramoor on Youtube
And the stories are golden. Thank you, Trenches story picker person, for giving us a double shot of donut terror.
It's still called "full stop" in UK/AU/NZ English. It's only called a period in US/CA English.
STOP was used in place of a period in telegraphs because words of up to four letters were free whereas longer words and punctuation cost extra. It's not that Morse code doesn't support periods, it's that it was simply cheaper to send the word "STOP".
"Welcome to tribal council weekly evaluation testers. With me I have a box of 12 chocolate glazed donuts. One of you will not receive a donut. One of you is being sent home tonight. "
"I'm sorry Thomas the tribe corporate has spoken. The rest of you enjoy your donuts and head back to your camp workstations."
Or no, wait, that's closer to the roses on The Bachelor.
Perhaps if work safety laws are relaxed come the election Corporate will just poison half the donuts...
I am so weak against donuts. If they are on the table, I will eat them. I will say I won't, but half an hour later I fold. This is why I don't go into donut stores since college.
Sorry to hear that, man. Hopefully your resume is up to date.