We have a new update on The Future of the Penny Arcade Forums.

New girlfriend has very (very) attached best friend.

2»

Posts

  • Jam WarriorJam Warrior Registered User regular
    That's because the right way to handle this is not to say anything yourself. Like I said, it's between them, not you. The most you say to the best friend if dragged in to the subject is that you agree with your girlfriend and want everyone to be happy with a balanced outcome.

    For now you've done all you can so trust your girlfriend to try and make some headway when she returns and in the meantime just do your best to be a thoroughly reasonable and decent bloke to the best friend in the interim. If you can spend time together in an enjoyable manner then great, that'll help. If not, then some tactical fake excuses to avoid her and keeping your head down may be best bet.

    MhCw7nZ.gif
  • Magic PinkMagic Pink Tur-Boner-Fed Registered User regular
    I just have to say I think it's real hilarious that people expect a 25 year old to be mature much less a 21 year old. 25 isn't "default mature" by a long shot.

  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    Magic Pink wrote: »
    I just have to say I think it's real hilarious that people expect a 25 year old to be mature much less a 21 year old. 25 isn't "default mature" by a long shot.

    It's not, but if you're throwing hissy fits because your best friend facebook chats with her boyfriend at 25 something is off.

  • zerzhulzerzhul Registered User, Moderator mod
    Magic Pink wrote: »
    I just have to say I think it's real hilarious that people expect a 25 year old to be mature much less a 21 year old. 25 isn't "default mature" by a long shot.

    There is no "default mature"

  • GnomeTankGnomeTank What the what? Portland, OregonRegistered User regular
    Magic Pink wrote: »
    I just have to say I think it's real hilarious that people expect a 25 year old to be mature much less a 21 year old. 25 isn't "default mature" by a long shot.

    You should be mature enough at 25 not to resort to junior high antics when your best friend gets a boyfriend. No one is saying they should be grizzled middle aged life completely in order types...but acting 13 at 25 isn't excusable.

    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, NintendoID: Brainling, FF14: Zillius Rosh SFV: Brainling
  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    GnomeTank wrote: »
    Magic Pink wrote: »
    I just have to say I think it's real hilarious that people expect a 25 year old to be mature much less a 21 year old. 25 isn't "default mature" by a long shot.

    You should be mature enough at 25 not to resort to junior high antics when your best friend gets a boyfriend. No one is saying they should be grizzled middle aged life completely in order types...but acting 13 at 25 isn't excusable.

    Pretty much this is whats bothering me and my girlfriend the most. The bestfriend should have outgrown this kind of behavior.

    I'm talking to my girlfriend right now, even though its 5am where she is, shes all jetlagged. Her bestfriend texted me to ask what was up, i told her I was talking to my girlfriend. She got bitchy instantly and complained about me not telling her my girlfriend was online. The bestfriend isnt even home anyways ! I told my girlfriend this and her response was "omg she is still going on about that? She is having serious abandonment issues its annoying" So obviously she's been acting similarly bitchy toward my girlfriend as well.

    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
  • mtsmts Dr. Robot King Registered User regular
    GnomeTank wrote: »
    Magic Pink wrote: »
    I just have to say I think it's real hilarious that people expect a 25 year old to be mature much less a 21 year old. 25 isn't "default mature" by a long shot.

    You should be mature enough at 25 not to resort to junior high antics when your best friend gets a boyfriend. No one is saying they should be grizzled middle aged life completely in order types...but acting 13 at 25 isn't excusable.

    Pretty much this is whats bothering me and my girlfriend the most. The bestfriend should have outgrown this kind of behavior.

    I'm talking to my girlfriend right now, even though its 5am where she is, shes all jetlagged. Her bestfriend texted me to ask what was up, i told her I was talking to my girlfriend. She got bitchy instantly and complained about me not telling her my girlfriend was online. The bestfriend isnt even home anyways ! I told my girlfriend this and her response was "omg she is still going on about that? She is having serious abandonment issues its annoying" So obviously she's been acting similarly bitchy toward my girlfriend as well.

    first off, the proper internet answer is threesome.

    secondly, it seems to me that it is most likely some sort of jealousy going on. the best friend probably thought her and your girlfriend had some stereotypical, we don't need a boyfriend bonding thing while eating a pint of chocolate ice cream and watching the notebook on cable. now she goes and finds you and she is spending less time with her, and she starts questioning her place in this whole thing.

    so she starts acting out. pretty juvenile approach but her feelings were probably hurt. as much as it's a pain in your ass, i see this as your girlfriends problem to deal with.

    i don't recall seeing this since i skimmed most of this on my phone, but did you know the friend before you two started dating? if so that could tie into the whole the group dynamic has changed oh noes! drama.

    camo_sig.png
  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    Just jumping in to say that you may want to take a step back and separate yourself from this a bit more, in the sense that you are clearly becoming more agitated about the whole thing. It's not really your place to get super-invested in this situation at this point. You've only been dating for about a month, and your girlfriend is clearly aware of the issue. At this point, your best bet is to stay polite and let your gf and her bff work it out themselves. Do not, I repeat do not, get visibly upset at the bff, and under no circumstances should you get into an argument with her. There may be a point where a direct conversation is required on your part, but you are in no way anywhere remotely close to that point yet.

    Try to be sensitive to the fact that the dynamics of a long-established relationship are changing, and some people take it better than others, particularly if they are on the "losing" end of that adjustment. Obviously the bff has some issues to work out, but getting angry or causing even more drama is not going to make things better. Support your girlfriend, be patient and polite with the bff, and hopefully they will work it out between themselves. Anything you can do to avoid exacerbating the situation while making it clear to your girlfriend that you expect the situation to change over the long term is a good thing.

  • EsseeEssee The pinkest of hair. Victoria, BCRegistered User regular
    I'm talking to my girlfriend right now, even though its 5am where she is, shes all jetlagged. Her bestfriend texted me to ask what was up, i told her I was talking to my girlfriend. She got bitchy instantly and complained about me not telling her my girlfriend was online. The bestfriend isnt even home anyways ! I told my girlfriend this and her response was "omg she is still going on about that? She is having serious abandonment issues its annoying" So obviously she's been acting similarly bitchy toward my girlfriend as well.

    I gotta say, I'm not exactly sure why you thought telling the best friend that you were talking to your girlfriend was a good idea, given what you've told us about her complaints when the exact same thing happened in the recent past. :P You might want to start by not going out of your way to tell the best friend that you're talking to your girlfriend, because that should cut down on how much the friend complains about things. I'm not saying you need to lie (if she explicitly asks whether you've talked to your girlfriend, you can give her that info as you see fit), but I don't think she needs to know that info when she just asks what you're up to. Even though I'm not the jealous, clingy type, I might still be a little disappointed to hear from someone that they're talking to my best friend right now and I'm not (because it somewhat implies that she doesn't want to talk to me, who is supposed to be her best friend), especially if my friend is far away on a trip at the moment. It wouldn't be a big deal at all to ME because I understand why people only feel like talking to certain people sometimes (especially when the person is their significant other). If I WERE the jealous type like this best friend clearly is, though, I might actually get upset about it, like she did. Obviously, the long-term solution is for your girlfriend to convince her best friend to back off and give you guys space, but in the meantime, stop making extra headaches for the two of you, sheesh!

    Otherwise, everybody seems to have the right idea. This is a situation where the best friend and your girlfriend need to come to an understanding about the fact that your girlfriend spending time with you does not mean your girlfriend doesn't care about her best friend. You should pretty much stay out of this aside from telling your girlfriend to work this out with her friend (which you've already done, I gather). Your girlfriend might not be able to do anything about this situation until she gets home, so just try not to make the situation worse until then.

  • HeraldSHeraldS Registered User regular
    You are feeding this situation and allowing it to ratchet up needlessly. When the clinger texts to ask what you're doing, DON'T RESPOND! You know it's not going to go anywhere good. She doesn't want to hang out with you on any real level, she wants to tie it back into her best friend that you're taking away from her (in her mind). Now that you've made your feelings clear to your girlfriend there's nothing more you can do, especially since she's not going to have the conversation with the clinger until she's back in the states. Leave it be until then.

  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    edited June 2012
    I'm not going out of my way to tell the best friend anything. But if she asks, and I lie, and she asks my girlfriend, and my girlfriend tells her the truth that will just make it worse. So there i am not going to try to lie my way out of a confrontation because it simply wont end well in this situation. I haven't bitched at the best friend or anything and have been pleasant with her. I don't really make much of a response to the guilt tripping or anything either because I never respond well to guilt tripping no matter who it's from, it just makes me feel awkward and i change the subject.

    So I guess the general consensus is just ignore the best friend when she starts trying to make a "scene" about it. Which i suppose it's good, I mean I can't totally ignore her as shes part of my girlfriends immediate social circle but I really dont want to cause any bad blood with her either. It just really sucks when im here and my girlfriend and I are trying to keep in touch and we constantly have this other person coming down on both of us about it. Because the best friend isn't just doing it to me she's doing it to my girlfriend just as much, she really can lay on the guilt on my girlfriend. The worst part is is it kind of works in a way because it makes my girlfriend feel bad. It doesn't make her stop having private skype chatty time with me, but it still makes her feel bad, when she shouldn't have to.

    Elimination on
    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
  • 815165815165 Registered User regular
    You don't really need any contact with this chick at all unless she is in the same room as you. Let your girlfriend deal with her friends, there's no real reason for you to worry about it, if she'd rather spend time with you she will do and if she wouldn't then on to the next one.

  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    I'm not going out of my way to tell the best friend anything. But if she asks, and I lie, and she asks my girlfriend, and my girlfriend tells her the truth that will just make it worse. So there i am not going to try to lie my way out of a confrontation because it simply wont end well in this situation. I haven't bitched at the best friend or anything and have been pleasant with her. I don't really make much of a response to the guilt tripping or anything either because I never respond well to guilt tripping no matter who it's from, it just makes me feel awkward and i change the subject.

    So I guess the general consensus is just ignore the best friend when she starts trying to make a "scene" about it. Which i suppose it's good, I mean I can't totally ignore her as shes part of my girlfriends immediate social circle but I really dont want to cause any bad blood with her either. It just really sucks when im here and my girlfriend and I are trying to keep in touch and we constantly have this other person coming down on both of us about it. Because the best friend isn't just doing it to me she's doing it to my girlfriend just as much, she really can lay on the guilt on my girlfriend. The worst part is is it kind of works in a way because it makes my girlfriend feel bad. It doesn't make her stop having private skype chatty time with me, but it still makes her feel bad, when she shouldn't have to.

    You don't owe this woman any information at all. Responding with "I'm talking to my girlfriend right now" when you know it agitates her and that will come back down on you in the form of bitchiness or whatever is like sucking on a cavity. You know it's there, you know it will hurt, and you know it's unnecessary, but you do it anyway.

    You don't not owe her "the truth" - and especially not your definition of the truth, which seems to be "full disclosure." if she asks "what's up?" and you're talking to your GF, say "nothing" or "not much" or "busy" - none of which are lies.

    You are a human being too. Set some boundaries here.

    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    He shouldn't feel the need to hide his activities from her either.
    It's a slippery slope and he shouldn't feel like he has to sneak around with his girlfriend lest her friend finds out.

  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited June 2012
    minirhyder wrote: »
    He shouldn't feel the need to hide his activities from her either.
    It's a slippery slope and he shouldn't feel like he has to sneak around with his girlfriend lest her friend finds out.

    That is correct - he shouldn't have to hide or tiptoe around this woman, either. That doesn't mean he needs to disclose everything to her. Not telling everyone everything is not the same as hiding from her. It's not really any of her business what he's doing.

    And "what's up?" doesn't necessarily translate to "what are you doing at this exact moment?" so online of feel like he is actually going out of his way to indicate that he's talking to his girlfriend at the moment.

    Which is his preogative, of course. He can say whatever he wants. But my advice, since this is an advice thread, is to not say any of that. Don't hide, but don't disclose, either. A lot of people seem to be under the impression that if you don't tell someone the exact truth when they ask you a question, then you are lying or hiding and I don't think that is true at all. This particular woman has absolutely no right to know "what's up" so whatever information he wants to impart to her is up to him. I am suggesting he avoids going information that will cause him or his relationship any stress. Because, what's the point? If it's "to not hide," I'd say there are more worthwhile principles to stand on than this.

    Drez on
    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
  • Inquisitor77Inquisitor77 2 x Penny Arcade Fight Club Champion A fixed point in space and timeRegistered User regular
    Drez wrote: »
    minirhyder wrote: »
    He shouldn't feel the need to hide his activities from her either.
    It's a slippery slope and he shouldn't feel like he has to sneak around with his girlfriend lest her friend finds out.

    That is correct - he shouldn't have to hide or tiptoe around this woman, either. That doesn't mean he needs to disclose everything to her. Not telling everyone everything is not the same as hiding from her. It's not really any of her business what he's doing.

    And "what's up?" doesn't necessarily translate to "what are you doing at this exact moment?" so online of feel like he is actually going out of his way to indicate that he's talking to his girlfriend at the moment.

    Which is his preogative, of course. He can say whatever he wants. But my advice, since this is an advice thread, is to not say any of that. Don't hide, but don't disclose, either. A lot of people seem to be under the impression that if you don't tell someone the exact truth when they ask you a question, then you are lying or hiding and I don't think that is true at all. This particular woman has absolutely no right to know "what's up" so whatever information he wants to impart to her is up to him. I am suggesting he avoids going information that will cause him or his relationship any stress. Because, what's the point? If it's "to not hide," I'd say there are more worthwhile principles to stand on than this.

    OP, you don't owe this girl anything. She's your girlfriend's best friend, and you certainly owe your girlfriend every attempt at having a cordial, if not superawesomefantastic, relationship with her best friend. However, you don't owe her the full, unvarnished truthful answer to every question she may provide. That's just a ridiculous expectation to place on yourself, and I seriously doubt that your code of personal integrity is actually that rigid. If you're having personal problems and a colleague you run into in the coffee shop asks you how you're feeling, do you tell them about how horrible you're feeling and lay out the entire story of our issues, or do you smile and make nice?

    I'm just going to reiterate that you really need to emotionally separate yourself from this situation more. One of the hidden dangers here is that you are mentally turning your girlfriend's best friend into an "enemy", and that kind of thinking can be hard to break out of. Unlike your girlfriend, you don't have years of investment into the relationship which would allow you to overcome animosity or a huge argument. The thing you need to be concentrating on here is the first principle of "Do No Harm".

    If the best friend asks you what you're doing, and you are doing something with the girlfriend that you know will set things off, then it's completely appropriate for you to either delay responding until you can provide a "safe" response ("Oh hey sorry I didn't get back to you I was busy, I'm doing good how are you?") or a simple, vague response up front ("Just shopping. Sup?").

  • LadyDustBunnyLadyDustBunny Registered User regular
    This situation is the worst! Especially if you're your girlfriend. I've been in your gf's shoes! It sucks! I actually lost that best friend when I got married. She was so overly attached to me that it was just suffocating. I kept trying to show her that while my at the time, soon to be husband was very important to me, that she was important to me as well. I truly did value her friendship, you know, when she wasn't being crazy clingy. I went on my honeymoon (this was all in 2010) and since then, I haven't spoken to her. She de-friended me on Facebook, I tried calling, texting, and sent an e-mail basically saying, "hey what's up? I'm sorry if I did something to hurt your feelings, but I'd love to catch up with you." Because I honestly don't know to this day why all of a sudden, she just decided to rid me from her life.

    While a part of me misses her, another bigger part of me thinks how less stressful my life is and how weird about me she really was back then. Hindsight is 20/20, people. Now I have plenty of new friends and I think back on that college "best friend" as a learning experience. Some people are clingers. I think it's just when they find someone that comforts them and likes what they like, they sort of latch on and when that latch is being threatened, they can only imagine being all alone. I hope that my old friend is happy and has people in her life who can give her all that she needs.

    I hope that can help with giving your gf a little sympathy. It's hard when you like the main aspect of a best friend and then they sort of go a little nutso when you find another person.

    steam_sig.png

    Origin: DustBunny777
    3DS: 2836-0103-2102
    M1GZYUT.jpg
  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    This situation is the worst! Especially if you're your girlfriend. I've been in your gf's shoes! It sucks! I actually lost that best friend when I got married. She was so overly attached to me that it was just suffocating. I kept trying to show her that while my at the time, soon to be husband was very important to me, that she was important to me as well. I truly did value her friendship, you know, when she wasn't being crazy clingy. I went on my honeymoon (this was all in 2010) and since then, I haven't spoken to her. She de-friended me on Facebook, I tried calling, texting, and sent an e-mail basically saying, "hey what's up? I'm sorry if I did something to hurt your feelings, but I'd love to catch up with you." Because I honestly don't know to this day why all of a sudden, she just decided to rid me from her life.

    While a part of me misses her, another bigger part of me thinks how less stressful my life is and how weird about me she really was back then. Hindsight is 20/20, people. Now I have plenty of new friends and I think back on that college "best friend" as a learning experience. Some people are clingers. I think it's just when they find someone that comforts them and likes what they like, they sort of latch on and when that latch is being threatened, they can only imagine being all alone. I hope that my old friend is happy and has people in her life who can give her all that she needs.

    I hope that can help with giving your gf a little sympathy. It's hard when you like the main aspect of a best friend and then they sort of go a little nutso when you find another person.

    Yes this is exactly it. Neither of us want to drive away her best friend, but she is just suffocating my girlfriend with her jelousy over time spent with me and it's frustrating. Last night i let the bestfriend and my girlfriend skype and didn't even try to do my usual skype with her, intentionally so maybe they'd talk. Next thing I know my girlfriend is messaging me telling me that the best friend is just angry and bitching at her for talking to me all the time instead of her. The difference is I MAKE TIME to talk to my girlfriend every day, I put time aside for it in my schedule, the best friend doesn't at all and expects my girlfriend to just be there or something when she has the free time. So this doesn't even make sense now.

    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    HeraldS wrote: »
    You are feeding this situation and allowing it to ratchet up needlessly. When the clinger texts to ask what you're doing, DON'T RESPOND! You know it's not going to go anywhere good. She doesn't want to hang out with you on any real level, she wants to tie it back into her best friend that you're taking away from her (in her mind). Now that you've made your feelings clear to your girlfriend there's nothing more you can do, especially since she's not going to have the conversation with the clinger until she's back in the states. Leave it be until then.

    Furthermore, why are you on a texting basis with the clinger?

    y6GGs3o.gif
  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    Demerdar wrote: »
    HeraldS wrote: »
    You are feeding this situation and allowing it to ratchet up needlessly. When the clinger texts to ask what you're doing, DON'T RESPOND! You know it's not going to go anywhere good. She doesn't want to hang out with you on any real level, she wants to tie it back into her best friend that you're taking away from her (in her mind). Now that you've made your feelings clear to your girlfriend there's nothing more you can do, especially since she's not going to have the conversation with the clinger until she's back in the states. Leave it be until then.

    Furthermore, why are you on a texting basis with the clinger?

    Because shes my girlfriends best friend, so I just know her by association.

    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    edited June 2012
    Demerdar wrote: »
    HeraldS wrote: »
    You are feeding this situation and allowing it to ratchet up needlessly. When the clinger texts to ask what you're doing, DON'T RESPOND! You know it's not going to go anywhere good. She doesn't want to hang out with you on any real level, she wants to tie it back into her best friend that you're taking away from her (in her mind). Now that you've made your feelings clear to your girlfriend there's nothing more you can do, especially since she's not going to have the conversation with the clinger until she's back in the states. Leave it be until then.

    Furthermore, why are you on a texting basis with the clinger?

    Because shes my girlfriends best friend, so I just know her by association.

    That doesn't mean you're obligated to be on texting basis, or any basis really, with her. Your girlfriend can have her friends and you can have your own. There's no rule that says the friend groups need to be mixed.
    They can be if you want, but it doesn't sound like you want to be friends with the clinger, so why are you even trying?

    minirhyder on
  • EliminationElimination Registered User regular
    minirhyder wrote: »
    Demerdar wrote: »
    HeraldS wrote: »
    You are feeding this situation and allowing it to ratchet up needlessly. When the clinger texts to ask what you're doing, DON'T RESPOND! You know it's not going to go anywhere good. She doesn't want to hang out with you on any real level, she wants to tie it back into her best friend that you're taking away from her (in her mind). Now that you've made your feelings clear to your girlfriend there's nothing more you can do, especially since she's not going to have the conversation with the clinger until she's back in the states. Leave it be until then.

    Furthermore, why are you on a texting basis with the clinger?

    Because shes my girlfriends best friend, so I just know her by association.

    That doesn't mean you're obligated to be on texting basis, or any basis really, with her. Your girlfriend can have her friends and you can have your own. There's no rule that says the friend groups need to be mixed.
    They can be if you want, but it doesn't sound like you want to be friends with the clinger, so why are you even trying?

    No you have it wrong, I'm actually OK with everything the clinger does other than the clinginess. And she's only acted like this since my girlfriend and I have gotten closer. She was totally cool before when we were just getting to know each other. I don't know why it's a big deal with her now considering it was pretty clear it was headed this direction.

    PSN: PA_Elimination 3DS: 4399-2012-1711 Steam: http://steamcommunity.com/id/TheElimination/
Sign In or Register to comment.