Bar Etiquette

PowerLlama

Alright, a friend and I decided we wanted to try out karaoke a few weeks ago. Well on Thursday night we went, and had a ton of fun. There was a promotion with Dewar's Whiskey going on where any drink with Dewar's in it was only $1. So I got hammered and sang a song.

I'm from a fairly smallish town, and haven't really been to bars much. In fact, the first time I've ever went to one was a couple of months ago. All of the girlfriend's I've ever had, I've met through friends. So I've missed out on a lot of social training when it comes to random people.

At karaoke I chatted up a girl and got her number. This is literally the first time ever I've gotten a random girl's number. Now I'm not sure what to do with it. When is the proper time to give her a call?

Also, what is proper bar etiquette for "hittin on da womenz"? I feel got lucky last night because this chick was at the table next to ours, and when I get sauced up I generally get pretty talkative to people in my immediate vicinity. This probably has to do with the fact that I sometimes talk pretty loudly.

tl;dr When should I call this girl and ask her to go get some coffee or a drink or something?

meatflower

I dunno? The next day? That's what I would do. I highly doubt her answer is dependent on some draconian formula determining the exact hour minute and second you should have called her.

Just call.

mrpaku

Give it three days.

Omnicron9999

There is no time period, ever.

You obviously want to talk to her, DONT MAKE IT SERIOUS!!!, but you obviously are interested. (Read earlier), interest is a real turn on, for either sex.

Keep it cool, take it slow, essentially...dont get too excited.

Keep all of that in mind...

















Now, call her whenever.

Seattle Thread

You're already there, man... there's no special etiquette for chatting up women in a bar as opposed to someplace else.

As far as calling her goes, you call when you want to hang out with her. There's not etiquette there, either.

PowerLlama

Cool. Thanks homps.

DevoutlyApathetic

Makershot wrote: »

As far as calling her goes, you call when you want to hang out with her. There's not etiquette there, either.

Maybe a little before but otherwise that's right on the money. What are you going to do, wait three days then call her Sunday to make plans for...the next weekend? If you've got something in mind call her a few days before.

naporeon

Omnicron9999 wrote: »

(Read earlier), interest is a real turn on, for either sex.

I could not possibly disagree more with most of Omni's post. I would be the last person to say that women are universally one way or the other, but if I were forced, would say that, for most women--particularly the more "desirable" ones--disinterest is MUCH more of a "turn on."

Think of the initial stages of dating (especially casually) as a monetary transaction. Your appeal is your currency in this analogy, and is grounded in many things: your appearance, your sense of humor, your apparent income, and your mystery. That last bit is unbelievably important; act too available too early, and you seem desperate or over-eager...and you've squandered it.

There are so many schools of thought as to what the OP should do in this situation, but ultimately, it will probably boil down into two suggestions: 1) follow your intuition, or 2) follow established tradition/wisdom.

I would suggest the latter. And three days is more or less the universal guideline for such things.

Axim

yep don't want to call right away because you look desperate. in a perfect world you would not have to play the game but a person who is more involved in doing their own thing and not sitting around waiting to make the date call is more desirable.

again don't wait too long because then you'll be a dick, 3 days is a good rule so you don't come off as hurting

Feral

Don't overthink it. Most people screw up when they start overthinking it. Just call whenever you want to talk to her.
By the way, everybody knows about the three day rule. Nobody is impressed by it.

Omnicron9999

naporeon wrote: »

Omnicron9999 wrote: »

(Read earlier), interest is a real turn on, for either sex.

I could not possibly disagree more with most of Omni's post. I would be the last person to say that women are universally one way or the other, but if I were forced, would say that, for most women--particularly the more "desirable" ones--disinterest is MUCH more of a "turn on."

Think of the initial stages of dating (especially casually) as a monetary transaction. Your appeal is your currency in this analogy, and is grounded in many things: your appearance, your sense of humor, your apparent income, and your mystery. That last bit is unbelievably important; act too available too early, and you seem desperate or over-eager...and you've squandered it.

There are so many schools of thought as to what the OP should do in this situation, but ultimately, it will probably boil down into two suggestions: 1) follow your intuition, or 2) follow established tradition/wisdom.

I would suggest the latter. And three days is more or less the universal guideline for such things.

Easy man, I think we both took it too literally.

I guess I should have said, "When both parties are interested...", before all I said in my post. It sounds like they both are, which is why I avoided all of the very normal relationship-like problems.

If you know a girl is into you, waiting only makes it look like you really aren't (into her). Im not saying it has to be marriage from day one, but I know its nice when I actually know the other person is interested.

Elessar Elfstone

Do anything but the 3-day rule. In fact just call her now.

Tal

I kind of have to agree with Naporeon on this one, although I may just be jaded from living in Los Angeles. I would take it a step further and add that it depends entirely on the woman in question.

Over the years I've mixed it up. Sometimes I've called sooner, sometimes later. I've noticed waiting 2-3 days tends to work better. There is no black and white rule though. I think if you call sooner you should make it sound spur of the moment like, "Hey, I was on my way out for some errands, but I'll be out in suchandsuch area and was wondering if you'd like to meet me for coffee at x o'clock."

I've actually had a buddy call a girl he met on the cab ride home however. We thought we was insane, but he got a few dates out of her before he decided he wasn't interested.

But seriously, whatever you do, as long as you do it with confidence you can't go wrong. And if it doesn't work out just remember that the first one is always the most difficult, and it seems you didn't have any problems with that.

supabeast

The longer you wait, the more likely she is to forget ever meeting you.

Valkun

I think the "three day rule" really needs to be rewritten or simply tossed out especially in light of changing technology and culture. At least where I live, everyone has cell phones and it seems pretty implausible that someone couldn't find a couple of minutes out of their day to make a call. It's no longer a requisite that you be home to ask someone out.

Reckless

The answer to the "when should I call?" question is sort of a fine line between two things. The first being that you don't want to seem needy, the otherside being that you don't want the woman you're calling to have forgotten who you are...which if you're different enough, in an attractive sense, shouldn't be happening anyway.

So really it's a personal judgment call. Sooner than 3 days, though. Don't overthink it, don't stress it.

Pheezer

Anyone who comes into this thread and shouts "3 DAYS" is an idiot and should probably not be giving advice. It's a lot more nuanced than that, and I think Reckless just nailed it on the head nicely.

nexuscrawler

The time limit stuff is nonsense. However it's probably best if you have a reason for calling her first. Don't just call to say "hi I'm the guy who hit on you!". Call and ask her out with something in mind beforehand. So more like "HI we met at the bar the other night. There was this art opening I was going to and was wondering if you wanted to come with." Much less creepy that just calling for the fuck of it

Sarcastro

Game playing is for game players. Doesn't sound like you waz playin', so feel free to call whenever you have time for a light chat.

Casual Eddy

I would wait a day because I was hella drunk the night before.

happyshark

you dont have to call the first girl you get a number for....it depends on how long you were talking to her in the bar. If it was just for 5-10 minutes, why bother. You were drunk, she was drunk...of course she gave out a number cause she was feeling good....know what i mean?

EggyToast

The 3 day rule is based on a saturday-to-saturday timeframe. Many people will plan for saturdays on Tuesdays or Wednesdays, so if you call on Sunday, for instance, you're calling just to talk. If you ask about the weekend, she has no idea what's happening and it's therefore a bad time to call.

Likewise with Friday or Thursday -- it's too close to the weekend and she could very likely already have plans.

That's the general logic behind the 3 day rule. But if you do'nt want to go out on saturday you need to give her a few days to plan and see how her schedule works out.

For instance, if you want to go out for coffee on Thursday, around lunch, you should call on Monday-ish as she'll have a general idea of how her week's going to be. One of the leading causes of crossed signals is misinterpreting a "no" to mean "I don't like you" when it can just as often mean "i'm actually busy."

There's no real rule, obviously, but you should give her time to plan as well as adjust her schedule if she wants to meet up with you again. If you give people time to plan, it also expresses "hey, I'd like to spend time getting to know you, so let's plan something expressly to talk." Vs. "what are you doing in a few hours, cos I'm horny"

Zonkytonkman

Thursday is awkward. You don't want to call during the weekend, because that seems too soon, but by waiting any longer, you run the risk of her meeting someone else. I mean, if she gave her number to YOU, who asks forums for advice, she's probably given her number to others as well.
Calling her for coffee on Sunday is not too creepy. Do that. If you like her, do it. Seriously? The three day rule is for idiots. You, sir, are nearing the idiot deadline.
I'm just saying....
I am Zonkytonkman. Who else would be posting things under this name? Only me. And that's who I am.
Chicks like it when you like them. Even if she doesn't go for it, she'll tell her friends about what a loser you are and feel better about herself. So it's all good.

godamn GF got at the keyboard. I guess one blackeye wasn't enough. Sorry dude, well at least you have a female's perspective now. She knows what she's talking about her nickname is the "makeout bandit"

Zonkytonkman

Zonky,
I think it's adorable that you consider me a female, considering I haven't completed all the surgeries.

PowerLlama

Do the last 2 posts make anyone else's brain hurt?

Fawkes

supabeast wrote: »

The longer you wait, the more likely she is to forget ever meeting you.

Call her soon, preferably the next day. This shows her she stuck in your mind. Arrange a meeting also fairly soon, preferably that week. This sticks you in her mind.

Then you can be as relaxed as you like.

By the way, there is a vast chasm between showing interest & clingy stalkerish pursuit etc. Showing interest is desirable, because it makes your subject feel desirable. Acting promptly on that interest shows confidence. Clinginess, coming on too keen and so on betray insecurity and lack of confidence, which is not attractive in the slightest.

Pretty much everything else in the 'rules' is bullshit.

As for bar etiquette, just don't ever open up with a cheesy chat up line, unless it is wit of Wildean proportions. Since you are in a bar, trust me, it isn't. And don't ask her if she wants hot dickings. Aside from that you should be good.

Captain Awesomeftw

Ignore everything anyone says about rules, and etiquette, and all that bullshit.

How did you get her number? By being yourself (albeit your drunk self)

Keep that going. Call her whenever YOU want to, and don't focus too much on playing games, or overthinking what message you're sending. She's obviously interested in YOU, so make sure that's what she gets.

re-lax

Also

Fawkes wrote:

And don't ask her if she wants hot dickings.

ege02

--

Don't make the mistake of thinking about it too much. The more you go with the flow, the more natural it will feel.

naporeon

I don't know why people insist on calling it a "game."

The fact of the matter is, interpersonal communication is governed by observable rules and common sense. Waiting a socially-accepted period of time is not "game playing"; it is observing one of these rules.

SkankPlaya

From the Movie Swingers:


Mike: So how long do I wait to call?
Trent: A day.
Mike: Tomorrow.
Sue: Tomorrow, then a day.
Trent: Yeah.
Mike: So two days?
Trent: Yeah, I guess you could call it that, two days.
Sue: Definitely, two days is like industry standard.
Trent: You know I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it's like everyone in town waits two days. So I think three days is kind of money. What do you think?
Sue: Yeah, but two's enough not to look anxious.
Trent: But I think three days is kind of money. You know because you...
Mike: Yeah, but you know what, mabey I'll wait 3 weeks. How's that? And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.
Charles: Then ask her where you met her.
Mike: Yeah, I'll ask her where I met her. I don't remember. What does she look like? And then I'll asked if we fucked. Is that... would that be... T, would that be the money?
Trent: You know what. Ha ha ha Mike, laugh all you want but if you call too soon you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.
Mike: Well how long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies?
Trent, Sue: Six days.


- I'd say give it 1 day cool off period to determine if calling her is something you want to do, and not just something you were thinking about doing because you were/are drunk. Then, on that 2nd day if it is something you wanted to do, do it.

PatboyX

i wouldn't call the next day. if only because you were all hammered up the night before...and she may have been. unless you want to go out for hangover coffee but since you don't really know her, i doubt that would work.

StephenB.2006

2 Days! Seriously. 3 Days is sort of the standard but as previously mentioned, modern communication being what it is, 2 days might work out better. Just make sure you have something to say.

Malkor

Dude, Patboy I have that same toothbrush. I used it this morning. Hi5! I think the whole obsessing over when to call someone is over rated. If you weren't completely shit faced and had a good conversation with her, call her the next day for lunch the next week or something. I think it's just best to get in contact sooner and make plans for later.

A-Rod

If you havnt called her yet, do so tonight. You can set up a meeting during the week if you were able to leave a good impression when you met her.