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I need some advice on something stupid I did.
ironkids17
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Here is a bit of my story... It is very long (10 months) but I will cut It down for you. Basically a girl i knew since 2002 has a bf she was with since the beginning of 2010. He got deployed and left a little more then a year ago in Aug 8th 2011 came back same date 2012. 2 months after he left she started calling me and I told her I had always liked her and heard she liked me but this guy asked her out before me, she said she did and we started talking behind her bf's back, but I did it because when he was leaving she told me that he cheated on her and she didn't know If she wanted to be with him (stupid of me I know). Well basically we hung out every day practically (she was/is very clingy) and I was always there for her. I tried to be perfect for her. She always told me when he got back she would have to figure everything out but at the same time was calling me her soul mate asking me if i believed in that. Also saying if she could marry me she would and she wanted my baby's. We had sex a lot and everything else, we were pretty much bf and gf.
But the guy just came back about a month and a half ago. She always told me she wouldn't be staying at his parents house with him anymore because she couldn't handle it and that she wanted to stay at her parents house because she wanted to see me still (i told her i don't know if that's a good idea but she still told me she would not be staying over there). Well she has been at his house 24/7 since he got back and has not seen or talked to me besides a few texts here and there telling me how much she misses me and loves me. I passed by the guys house and saw her car out front the 2nd night and also she took off all her stickers off her car (about 6 or so total) i am guessing to make her car not noticeable or identifiable for some reason (at that moment i felt like "wow" she did this to hide her car... she must not want to see me again..). I asked if she took her stickers off and she said she hadn't touched them that she knows of... LOL such a liar...I asked why she lied and is staying over there now and she told me she got kicked out of her house.... LOL... I feel so betrayed and used because this is the first relationship i have ever really been in we are both 25. She was telling me the day before and on the day he came back when she went to go get him that she wanted to break up with him and be with me. I don't know why someone would do all of this...
I was wanting your opinion on this... Since i am hurt and feel that she used me like crazy and led me so hard and lied to her bf..(i feel she did this because she was lonely and needed someone because her bf was gone). She even said "who tries to talk to a girl who is in a relationship... that's just low..." as if she was in no wrong cheating on her bf. I feel like i want to shatter her world that she has, because she lied to me and her bf, using us both. I feel it would make everything right if the bf saw all the texts and pix and what not that she sent me confirming she cheated. Because right now her bf is being used for his deployment money because he buys her what she needs and takes care of her. And he is totally clueless about what she was doing behind his back now because she has been with him 24/7 since he has been back. She even talked to him for 2 min when he called when we were on the way down to Disneyland lying saying she had to go because she was driving (i was driving) and that she was with her gf or something.
She still texts me every day even after i told her to lose my number and i don't want to talk to her anymore that she made her choice she trys to turn everything around on me and tell me i am being mean and that she loves me and that i am the guy she is supposed to be with and that we are soul mates.... I don't know why she is doing this, Should i tell the bf so that he is not used any longer and so that her games she has been playing come to an end? Because right now i feel like she thinks she can get away with anything. She does not have a job and pretty much mooches off of everyone and now she is using up her bf's deployment money,
But the guy just came back about a month and a half ago. She always told me she wouldn't be staying at his parents house with him anymore because she couldn't handle it and that she wanted to stay at her parents house because she wanted to see me still (i told her i don't know if that's a good idea but she still told me she would not be staying over there). Well she has been at his house 24/7 since he got back and has not seen or talked to me besides a few texts here and there telling me how much she misses me and loves me. I passed by the guys house and saw her car out front the 2nd night and also she took off all her stickers off her car (about 6 or so total) i am guessing to make her car not noticeable or identifiable for some reason (at that moment i felt like "wow" she did this to hide her car... she must not want to see me again..). I asked if she took her stickers off and she said she hadn't touched them that she knows of... LOL such a liar...I asked why she lied and is staying over there now and she told me she got kicked out of her house.... LOL... I feel so betrayed and used because this is the first relationship i have ever really been in we are both 25. She was telling me the day before and on the day he came back when she went to go get him that she wanted to break up with him and be with me. I don't know why someone would do all of this...
I was wanting your opinion on this... Since i am hurt and feel that she used me like crazy and led me so hard and lied to her bf..(i feel she did this because she was lonely and needed someone because her bf was gone). She even said "who tries to talk to a girl who is in a relationship... that's just low..." as if she was in no wrong cheating on her bf. I feel like i want to shatter her world that she has, because she lied to me and her bf, using us both. I feel it would make everything right if the bf saw all the texts and pix and what not that she sent me confirming she cheated. Because right now her bf is being used for his deployment money because he buys her what she needs and takes care of her. And he is totally clueless about what she was doing behind his back now because she has been with him 24/7 since he has been back. She even talked to him for 2 min when he called when we were on the way down to Disneyland lying saying she had to go because she was driving (i was driving) and that she was with her gf or something.
She still texts me every day even after i told her to lose my number and i don't want to talk to her anymore that she made her choice she trys to turn everything around on me and tell me i am being mean and that she loves me and that i am the guy she is supposed to be with and that we are soul mates.... I don't know why she is doing this, Should i tell the bf so that he is not used any longer and so that her games she has been playing come to an end? Because right now i feel like she thinks she can get away with anything. She does not have a job and pretty much mooches off of everyone and now she is using up her bf's deployment money,
ironkids17 on
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At this point, though, it sounds like you decided to break up with her. If you've made that clear to her, then break all contact, block her phone number and do everything you can to get away from her. Even if you want to, I don't think you should try to make this work, you already know she's a cheater and a user, I personally would never trust her again because of that.
But, if you think she is a leech, you lost respect for her and she doest seem to be ending her "official" relationship, I doubt she is a fit for you. Unless you have such extraordinary heart that can forgive all that you percieve that was done to you.
Whatever you do, dont go telling the other guy, that is a recipe for disaster, theres a one in a million chances that the guy will side with you instead of wanting to break both your legs, and eventually forgiving her.
Bolded points I thought are big red flags. Hopefully you can look back at this and learn from it.
And my opinion...she's doing this because she's using you...getting whatever she wants from you by saying/doing those things.
I say tell him. NOT because you want revenge on her and want to hurt her because she hurt you, but because this dude deserves to know what's going on. If I was in his situation, I would want someone to tell me.
Keep in mind that by doing this - 1. You're not going to feel any better but "shattering her world", you're still going to hurt and only time and moving on will change that. 2. This dude is going to be pissed at you just as much, if not more for what you did (the whole bro code thing).
Edit: And yes, if you do this, you're not going to feel better if he breaks up with her and she's miserable, no matter how vengeful you might feel right now. Please keep that in mind.
Maybe make better decisions in the future (or don't, I'm not your dad), but removing yourself from this situation is really your best option.
Put these people in the rear view mirror and do some serious soul searching. You hit on the girlfriend of a deployed soldier. That's pretty low.
I completely agree that removing yourself is the best option, and what you need to do regardless of if you tell him or not.
And you don't owe the guy anything, she was in the relationship and violated the trust, but by telling the guy what happened (and taking full responsibility for your part in it); you could gain what little bit of dignity is left in this situation, by helping out someone who's served, opening his eyes to what's going on.
You can like two different people, there's nothing wrong with that, but acting upon impulses while in a committed relationship is a whole other story. That and the fact that he willingly, knowingly, and with full intention of destroying this relationship did what he did while this poor guy was overseas risking his life is just disgusting. I'd say he's more at fault than her for even letting this happen.
The best advice is to just stay away from both of them.
No. It's still cheating and enabling a cheating relationship until she actually calls/writes the guy and breaks up with him. Until then, the OP should've kept his dick in his pants. Both of their faults. Equally.
Sorry Esh but eventhough you seem to say it with such a serious face, it doesnt make it true. He had no commitment whatsoever with the guy, the guy could have been a soldier, carpenter or worked at wallstreet, it makes no diferences. what DID happen, is that the GIRL had a commitment with the guy, her boyfriend, and she broke his trust. I dont think the OP roofied the girl in question, or wrapped her in a net of lies to get laid.
I say the OP is innocent! (of cheating) and guilty of letting himself get used. And the OP should stay away from her and put better judgement in his future romantic endeavors.
See, this is the sort of opinion that makes me lose faith in humanity. I wouldn't let you near any of my female friends with that sort of attitude. Though, I remember your opinions in other relationship threads, so I'm not surprised at this from you.
"Oh, I've got no commitment to this random dude, so fuck him! What do I care? It's her boyfriend."
Yeah, from the OP, I got the impression that the girl never actually said she would be breaking up with him, but would say things to dance around the subject and imply something else. Nobody should do something with someone else why in a commitment and then say she would "figure everything out" when he gets back.
Completely disagree! It takes two, and if he didn't know about the bf at the very beginning then he's innocent, but that's not the case. He was a part of what happened that violated the relationship, regardless of whether he was a part of the commitment or not, he was a part of the betrayal and was completely aware of the situation
Yeah, I'm not even going to continue to clutter this thread with responding to the inane conclusions that you're jumping to. Good luck.
right now you are just hurt and looking to lash out. He wont appreciate you being forthright with him, and yeah, he might even kick your ass. (i never understood this reaction when a girl cheats on a guy, or vice versa. but whatever) Just cut ties, put this whole thing behind you, and learn a lesson.
Don't get involved with people who are in relationships with people who are deployed. They aren't going to break it off while their SO is deployed. There is no upside for them to do so. Edit: There's also no downside for them not to.
edited to fix sucky spelling...I'm retarded
I'm not saying you should lie about it, if you are confronted. Save those texts as well, just in case. if this guy finds you in her phone or whatever, and comes after you, it'd be smart to have something to back up your honesty.
Mostly because he's probably gonna end up getting his ass kicked. That, and the whole situation is a mess of drama. Everyone in the equation (including the OP) sounds like they have some serious issues to work through. Better to just walk away than get embroiled.
And he's not going to believe you anyways.
I'd also like to add that you don't know he ever cheated on her. She said he did. But she may have only said that to ease your own guilt about sleeping with her. All you really know is that she lies.
If it were me I'd tell him.
My suggestion was, honestly, in consideration of the the other guy. It's the right thing to do for him...but completely agree that it wouldn't necessarily be the smart thing to do with the risks involved.
To tell him to tell the boyfriend is only encouraging really goosey behavior.
So, if the OP does the a good thing for the wrong reasons, that means what?
In my very first reply I said he should tell him because the other guy deserves to know...I agreed that doing it to fuck up the girls life isn't right.
And sorry, but I don't think it is encouraging really goosey behavior. It's actually the morally correct thing to do. I do understand the irony...the situation wouldn't exist if morals were followed to begin with....
I'd just walk away and let the situation do what it does. The chances of the guy even believing that it happened (because the girl might refute it) are slim to none. Not worth the effort whatsoever, especially considering the OP's dubious and goosish intentions. Doing it is not goosish, why he's doing it is. Big difference. Encouraging his intentions is the bad thing here.
This is a learning experience. You have some things you know definitely not to be looking for in a future mate. Move on and work on letting her go in your head.
And yeah...It's not your place to tell the BF. Especially since your reason is you feel hurt and would be doing it out of spite.
OP, YOU made the decision to get involved, and now YOU are making the decision to get uninvolved, so fucking uninvolve yourself. If you go telling her boyfriend, whatever the situation, you are only further involving yourself.