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I don't know what to do.
altofalts
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this.
I lost my job some months ago. That probably wasn't my fault, given the circumstances. But it hit me really hard, all the same. Getting a job is a big deal for me. I have zero self-confidence. No self-control, no self-respect, no self-worth. I'm terrified of the world. The thought of dressing up, going out, and meeting with some stranger to interview is petrifying. It takes me days to work up the courage to go out, and sometimes it's even longer than that. You can imagine that I'm not in the proper state of mind to be convincing people that I'm the person they want to hire, so the outings are often fruitless anyway.
I wasn't doing too badly though, because I had some odd jobs I was working on and, regardless of my shyness, I still had a couple of really good leads. I had a roommate and things were okay. Suddenly, the work dried up along with my prospects, and my roommate skipped out on his half of the rent and disappeared. I thought he was a friend, and I trusted him to do the right thing. He did precisely the opposite. I was forced to move in with my mother.
My mother never did anything for my siblings and me while we were growing up. My dad was often verbally and sometimes physically abusive, and she would disappear for weeks at a time on drug binges. Pawning our things. Writing bad checks. She left us in crack houses, parking lots, stranger's houses, anywhere she could dump us off. She and my dad divorced and she's never paid a nickel of child support. Never bought us a Christmas gift or a birthday card. Never sent a letter. Never set aside anything for our college. Never provided for us in any way, financially or emotionally. She charges me a sizable amount of rent just to stay here even though her rent and utilities are provided for her (she's the manager of the apartment building) and I buy all of my own food, and not only that, she begins hounding me for it the very minute it's due. I deeply resent her and I would rather not know her or have her be a part of my life. She's never done anything for me without expecting something in return. I'm sick of her drunk-dialing me. I'm sick of her abusive drunken tirades about how she's our mother and she demands that I make my brother and sister call her/come and see her (they want nothing to do with her either). My living situation has me completely miserable. And my inability to function as a person and get a job is making me really depressed.
I feel like I have no control over anything in my life. I have no family or friends in my day-to-day who want anything to do with me. My dad, who I want nothing more than to have a good relationship with, hardly speaks to me. And when he does, he just makes me feel like shit about myself. No matter how many times I try to build that bridge, it always crumbles. My brother and sister never call, nor do any of my 'friends.' I use that word loosely because neither of them ever wants anything to do with me either. We never talk about anything. There's no connection. They're just some people I know. That's about it. The last time I tried to open up to one of them they just made fun of me. But that's all I have, so I don't dare walk away from it. My mother obviously doesn't give a shit about me. If I died back her I don't think she'd notice until I started to stink - unless she came back to ask me for a favor first. And my stepmother, I think, would prefer if I just disappeared. She has never made an ounce of effort to bond with me in any way. Just like my dad, every time I try to build a bridge...
I've been suicidal before but not quite like this. I've never been more alone. I've never felt so isolated and helpless. I have no one. Even my therapist isn't returning my calls. I feel like all I have to look forward to is a future full of struggle. A future of swimming against the current. And for what? What's in that for me? Happiness? No matter how much I struggle, I'll always fail in the end. And every time I fail, I'll hate myself a little more. I don't see how things could possibly get better when I'm so incapable of helping myself. I can't even control my eating habits. What's the secret to losing weight? Take a walk. Quit shoving food in your mouth. Can't even manage that.
These last few days, I've been numb. I cry all the time. I think about eating a gun. I think about pill cocktails. I think about taking my car out and driving it into a tree. I think about hanging myself. I want to die. I'm so bored with the world. I'm so very, very tired of my life and having to look at myself in the mirror.
What do I do?
I lost my job some months ago. That probably wasn't my fault, given the circumstances. But it hit me really hard, all the same. Getting a job is a big deal for me. I have zero self-confidence. No self-control, no self-respect, no self-worth. I'm terrified of the world. The thought of dressing up, going out, and meeting with some stranger to interview is petrifying. It takes me days to work up the courage to go out, and sometimes it's even longer than that. You can imagine that I'm not in the proper state of mind to be convincing people that I'm the person they want to hire, so the outings are often fruitless anyway.
I wasn't doing too badly though, because I had some odd jobs I was working on and, regardless of my shyness, I still had a couple of really good leads. I had a roommate and things were okay. Suddenly, the work dried up along with my prospects, and my roommate skipped out on his half of the rent and disappeared. I thought he was a friend, and I trusted him to do the right thing. He did precisely the opposite. I was forced to move in with my mother.
My mother never did anything for my siblings and me while we were growing up. My dad was often verbally and sometimes physically abusive, and she would disappear for weeks at a time on drug binges. Pawning our things. Writing bad checks. She left us in crack houses, parking lots, stranger's houses, anywhere she could dump us off. She and my dad divorced and she's never paid a nickel of child support. Never bought us a Christmas gift or a birthday card. Never sent a letter. Never set aside anything for our college. Never provided for us in any way, financially or emotionally. She charges me a sizable amount of rent just to stay here even though her rent and utilities are provided for her (she's the manager of the apartment building) and I buy all of my own food, and not only that, she begins hounding me for it the very minute it's due. I deeply resent her and I would rather not know her or have her be a part of my life. She's never done anything for me without expecting something in return. I'm sick of her drunk-dialing me. I'm sick of her abusive drunken tirades about how she's our mother and she demands that I make my brother and sister call her/come and see her (they want nothing to do with her either). My living situation has me completely miserable. And my inability to function as a person and get a job is making me really depressed.
I feel like I have no control over anything in my life. I have no family or friends in my day-to-day who want anything to do with me. My dad, who I want nothing more than to have a good relationship with, hardly speaks to me. And when he does, he just makes me feel like shit about myself. No matter how many times I try to build that bridge, it always crumbles. My brother and sister never call, nor do any of my 'friends.' I use that word loosely because neither of them ever wants anything to do with me either. We never talk about anything. There's no connection. They're just some people I know. That's about it. The last time I tried to open up to one of them they just made fun of me. But that's all I have, so I don't dare walk away from it. My mother obviously doesn't give a shit about me. If I died back her I don't think she'd notice until I started to stink - unless she came back to ask me for a favor first. And my stepmother, I think, would prefer if I just disappeared. She has never made an ounce of effort to bond with me in any way. Just like my dad, every time I try to build a bridge...
I've been suicidal before but not quite like this. I've never been more alone. I've never felt so isolated and helpless. I have no one. Even my therapist isn't returning my calls. I feel like all I have to look forward to is a future full of struggle. A future of swimming against the current. And for what? What's in that for me? Happiness? No matter how much I struggle, I'll always fail in the end. And every time I fail, I'll hate myself a little more. I don't see how things could possibly get better when I'm so incapable of helping myself. I can't even control my eating habits. What's the secret to losing weight? Take a walk. Quit shoving food in your mouth. Can't even manage that.
These last few days, I've been numb. I cry all the time. I think about eating a gun. I think about pill cocktails. I think about taking my car out and driving it into a tree. I think about hanging myself. I want to die. I'm so bored with the world. I'm so very, very tired of my life and having to look at myself in the mirror.
What do I do?
altofalts on
0
Posts
Pick a number. Call it.
However I do have this. Reading it always makes me feel better:
Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.
You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there
in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.
OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!
You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.
Except when you don't
Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?
And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.
You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.
NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!
Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.
I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.
You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!