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Need some advice
Evigilant
VARegistered User regular
VARegistered User regular
So I've known this girl for 12 years. We have a lot of mutual friends: we went to high school together, her sister (whom I'm also pretty good friends with and wants me to marry this girl) used to date my old roommate, who is another high-school & army-buddy whom I lived with for around 8 years before we finally got different places. She knows and has hung out with my friends and I numerous times. Everyone we both know, all know she likes me and has for many years and that they think I'm a fool for taking too long to ask her out. We used to just meet up every few months for drinks and dinner, just talk for awhile and then make plans to see each other again sometime in the future. That was before. She was my date to my best friends wedding, an ex-gf whom I've remained really good friends with, and we've started seeing a lot of each other since then, almost 2 months now.
I've been single for around 8 years (including no sex) because my trust in other people is pretty severely dim after my last relationship and having been to war twice, it has left me pretty jaded. She got out of a 5 year relationship.
I told her I like her and would be interested in dating her, she feels the same way just that she's not ready to start dating again. I told her no worries, I'm in no rush and that I don't mind staying just friends with her, because she's a pretty cool friend to have. That was a month ago, and since then we've only seen more and more of each other, to where it's almost every night that I'm staying at her place. Usually when I go over to her place, we watch tv or a movie, we might or might not fool around, and then we go to sleep. If there is or isn't sex isn't a big concern for me, I like just being around her and having a good time. We still get drinks with one another, we still hang out outside of our respective homes, and I think for the first time we actually had dinner with one another this past weekend.
My philosophy has always been to take it slow, be polite, and respect the boundaries. I don't mind being friends, but I'd rather have it established up front what exactly what we have is supposed to be. If it's just friends with benefits kind of thing, I'm ready to say "thanks, but no thanks" because I don't want a friend I occasionally sleep with. I also don't want to be a rebound. I'm trying to be respectful in that I know it's tough for her since her 5 year relationship ended and I don't want to just move right on in.
All of our friends tell me that I'm essentially dating her, her sister never stops smiling at me and is happy that I'm finally interested and they tell me we're dating just without the label. How likely do you think this is? What I'm afraid of is that if I let this go on for too long unanswered, it's going into the friends with benefit territory and like I said, I'd rather her just be a friend than go down that road. How best do I confront her about my concern?
I'm probably just oblivious, but I like her, she has always been a great friend and a blast to hang out with and that's something I really don't want to give up. The more I feel this goes unanswered the more I'm afraid that when the day comes I confront her about it, she won't feel the same way anymore and that it'll be awkward seeing one another at which point I've lost a friend.
Edit-
Sorry for the long post.
I've been single for around 8 years (including no sex) because my trust in other people is pretty severely dim after my last relationship and having been to war twice, it has left me pretty jaded. She got out of a 5 year relationship.
I told her I like her and would be interested in dating her, she feels the same way just that she's not ready to start dating again. I told her no worries, I'm in no rush and that I don't mind staying just friends with her, because she's a pretty cool friend to have. That was a month ago, and since then we've only seen more and more of each other, to where it's almost every night that I'm staying at her place. Usually when I go over to her place, we watch tv or a movie, we might or might not fool around, and then we go to sleep. If there is or isn't sex isn't a big concern for me, I like just being around her and having a good time. We still get drinks with one another, we still hang out outside of our respective homes, and I think for the first time we actually had dinner with one another this past weekend.
My philosophy has always been to take it slow, be polite, and respect the boundaries. I don't mind being friends, but I'd rather have it established up front what exactly what we have is supposed to be. If it's just friends with benefits kind of thing, I'm ready to say "thanks, but no thanks" because I don't want a friend I occasionally sleep with. I also don't want to be a rebound. I'm trying to be respectful in that I know it's tough for her since her 5 year relationship ended and I don't want to just move right on in.
All of our friends tell me that I'm essentially dating her, her sister never stops smiling at me and is happy that I'm finally interested and they tell me we're dating just without the label. How likely do you think this is? What I'm afraid of is that if I let this go on for too long unanswered, it's going into the friends with benefit territory and like I said, I'd rather her just be a friend than go down that road. How best do I confront her about my concern?
I'm probably just oblivious, but I like her, she has always been a great friend and a blast to hang out with and that's something I really don't want to give up. The more I feel this goes unanswered the more I'm afraid that when the day comes I confront her about it, she won't feel the same way anymore and that it'll be awkward seeing one another at which point I've lost a friend.
Edit-
Sorry for the long post.
XBL\PSN\Steam\Origin: Evigilant
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If you're occasionally sleeping together you're probably past that point already.
Be honest with her about what you want and clearly ask her what she wants--putting off the conversation because it's uncomfortable, or it might mean the end of this mutually beneficial but undefined setup, isn't going to cut it
What Enc said. We can't give you answers, only speculation. Just go right to the source. The only thing you're doing here is wasting time. Go talk to the girl.
Thanks, I'll talk to her about it before I leave for the weekend.
That's not a bad idea as it'll give you some apart time for her (and you) to think about it.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
"I want an answer before I leave ", or
"I want an answer when I return."
Which will put a deadline on the matter. Which is the absolute last thing you want to do, especially considering what she's said. Put this matter on the back burner until you get back, and you can have this conversation free of any time constraints.
That deadline still exists even if he's there.
"I want an answer before this conversation is over", or
"I want an answer by..."
It's not like he's going to drop the question five minutes before he walks out the door.
If she wants to work it out, the timing of a weekend trip will be inconsequential.
Warframe: TheBaconDwarf
Not in the same way at all. While yes, it's unreasonable for her to assume that he will wait indefinitely for an answer, events like him going away add concrete temporal markers whether or not it's his intent, especially in our culture. (It's the same sort of dynamic that makes public proposals a dick move.) Asking while this timeframe exists WILL place unnecessary pressure on her to make a decision within it.
It will only put a marker on it if he demands a marker. Any sort of conversation is going to put some sort of pressure. And whether they're apart or together makes absolutely no difference. Whether it's two days in the same town that they don't see each other or two days where's he out of town. No difference at all. He's going to get the answer in the same manner and in the same timeframe either way. Unless he asks the questions then gets in his car and leaves, it's the exact same situation. I've been there, done that.
With the advent of cell phones, texting, IMing, spatial relations are minute nowadays. Just because they won't be face to face means absolutely nothing. Your theory might have been valid 15 years ago, but definitely not now. All you're doing is causing the OP to WAY overthink things.
So I'm pretty confident that regardless the outcome, I'm going busy enough to not be thinking about it. I'm sure that we'll still be texting at night while I'm out of town. I just plan on talking to her about it next time I'm at her house or next time I see her, which is probably going to be either tonight or tomorrow night. I'm just fine tuning how I want the words to come out of my mouth so that I'm as clear as possible with what I am saying that there's no miscommunication at all.
You sound really relaxed about the whole thing which is great. As long as you're ok with either outcome, you don't have a thing to worry about. It's refreshing from most of the "OMG MY LIFE IS GOING TO END IF I DON'T FIGURE OUT THIS GIRL" posts that are all over H/A. Good for you.
Then I'm going to definitely say to hold off until you are back. This isn't just about you, it's also about her. Considering that she's explicitly said that she's not ready to date again, leaving this question on her mental doorstep like a bag of feelings while you go off and enjoy yourself with your family is a good way to breed resentment, which is the last thing you want to do. It may seem like you are asking a simple question, but it's anything but. You're more or less in Schroedinger's Relationship at the moment, and trying to collapse the waveform is tricky, especially considering that (I assume) you would like for it to collapse into the "relationship" state. And if that's the case, then you want to make sure there is nothing that could be misconstrued, and your trip definitely falls into that category.
Once you get back, then you'll be in a better position to discuss the matter, because there won't be anything pressuring her to decide. Honestly, there's a good chance she's mulling the same thoughts over herself.
Again, way over complicating things.
He's not dropping the question and leaving. He's having the full conversation and then going. So there are three outcomes...
1. She says "Yes, let's date." and everything is hunky dory and they're both happy.
2. She says "No, friends with benefits." and he says "Not into that, sorry." and is cool with it.
3. She says "I need some time to think about it." and he says "Cool. Take your time." and he leaves and she gets the time to think about it whether he's across town or in another state. It doesn't matter.
I think the thing you're missing it that the OP is not foaming at the mouth for an answer. He'd like one, but he seems pretty ok with giving this girl her space and letting her figure it out.
No, I get that the OP doesn’t need an answer right away, which is why I'm advising him to wait until after the trip. What I think you are missing is that things are rarely that simple, especially when we're talking feelings and emotions. It's easy to say "take your time" - it's a lot harder to get someone else to feel like that is the case. And the trip is a huge stumbling block in that regard. It's better to wait until it's no longer a factor.
Note that I'm not saying that he shouldn't have this conversation - he should! But it's clear that the OP doesn't want to be misconstrued, and it's not just his words that can do that. Waiting till after the weekend isn't going to close the door on this at all.
Wait or don't wait, it doesn't really matter since the girl seems pretty ok with the situation and will be none-the-wiser as to his feelings if he decides to wait. He's not going to know anything until he asks though, which is why all the first comments are "Talk to her. We can't tell you a thing about this or what she's thinking or how wacky this might get.". You and I can argue it into the ground, but neither of us has any idea how complicated this actually is. It could be the exact opposite, where him being in town pressures her way more than him leaving for a couple of days and giving her some breathing room (technology non-withstanding).
good on you dude. you're relaxed but still care and honestly from what you've said I think it's going to go great. Be sure to be open to her calls and such during the weekend but don't start calling her all the time. (like, if she needs to think a little let her.)
honestly, this is the leap for this kind of thing. You want to know what the thing you're doing is, and while it could end bad I'd just think that from what you've said she is likely to want to go forwards in this. It's still a leap. You can't be sure. But why not go for the 99% chance that she wants to?
Given that we carry fucking amazing computers on us all the fucking time, the only reason this would be a deadline if he needed an answer in person for this question. He's not asking her to marry him though, just if she wants to date in a more serious way. That is something that can be settled in text/call.
Honestly, him being there or not isn't really an issue.