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Very concerned i'm crashing and burning.
Dr. Frenchenstein
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I've been dating someone for about 9 months, everything has been going really well. to be honest, it's been going better than with anyone in my entire life. unfortunately, my GF got some bad news a few months back... she has HPV, and recently had to get biopsies. I have never been tested, and it's possible i have it too, or even gave it to her.. . If i'm positive as well, there is no way to tell if i gave it to her, or she gave it to me. regardless, that isn't the issue... she got biopsies recently, and has since been extremely distant... things just don't feel the same anymore.
To be honest, we are hitting the point where most of my relationships have hit the wall... i'm really worried that we have merely hit a (albeit serious)bump, and i'm blowing it out of proportion. i want to tell her that i'm concerned there is something wrong, but i'm so goddamn paranoid that we are at a delicate point, and my asking about it is going to ruin everything. We were out, and had fun last night, she stayed over (no sex though, biopsy is no fun, which is fine: i didn't try anything, just snuggling), and things seemed better. but today i barely heard from her, and she met me out for the Orioles game (we live in baltimore, and it was rain delayed), while i was drinking with my friends. She essentially showed up, ordered food, ate half, and left.
I'm driving myself crazy, is it with good reason? when she found out about the HPV thing, she basically said she would be fine with me breaking up with her. i told her she was nuts, and it would take much more than that to make me even consider ending things. I've told her i love her, and she has said the same. I want her to move in with me, but she signed a lease at her current place before that, and it would be tough to break it. I'm in no rush though. it all seemed to go bad with the HPV thing, i will do whatever it takes, but i just don't know how to do what she needs. clearly, you guys don't know what's going through her head any more than i do, so i don't expect a clear answer... i'm just grasping at straws...
To be honest, we are hitting the point where most of my relationships have hit the wall... i'm really worried that we have merely hit a (albeit serious)bump, and i'm blowing it out of proportion. i want to tell her that i'm concerned there is something wrong, but i'm so goddamn paranoid that we are at a delicate point, and my asking about it is going to ruin everything. We were out, and had fun last night, she stayed over (no sex though, biopsy is no fun, which is fine: i didn't try anything, just snuggling), and things seemed better. but today i barely heard from her, and she met me out for the Orioles game (we live in baltimore, and it was rain delayed), while i was drinking with my friends. She essentially showed up, ordered food, ate half, and left.
I'm driving myself crazy, is it with good reason? when she found out about the HPV thing, she basically said she would be fine with me breaking up with her. i told her she was nuts, and it would take much more than that to make me even consider ending things. I've told her i love her, and she has said the same. I want her to move in with me, but she signed a lease at her current place before that, and it would be tough to break it. I'm in no rush though. it all seemed to go bad with the HPV thing, i will do whatever it takes, but i just don't know how to do what she needs. clearly, you guys don't know what's going through her head any more than i do, so i don't expect a clear answer... i'm just grasping at straws...
Dr. Frenchenstein on
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Now it sucks that your relationship is being strained, but it could just be stress on your so part and things may need to normalized before you can get back to being intimate.
Edit: And yeah, if you're worried that something might be wrong... ask her if things are okay! Communication is the most important aspect of a relationship.
Two side notes:
1. After the biopsy, there's... well, pretty much a big scab, which is just waiting to get stuck to the end of your penis after sex. Be careful.
2. Someone is going to find a way to pin this on your haunted house.
There's a delicate balance of giving enough space for her to sort things out but not making too much of a divide between you two. Previous posters have it right in that you have to communicate but be aware that she may want to be alone with her thoughts periodically. I've been married for 6 years and dated my wife 4 years before that and sometimes (read - the majority) I still don't know what the hell is going on. I think that if your relationship was as strong as what you say it was before this incident then you should be able to overcome this and hopefully have a stronger relationship when the dust settles.
WRT your relationship, it sounds like there are a few things going on. You're clearly trying to come to terms with the transition from a short-term "exciting" relationship into a long-term stable one, and for someone who has never done that before, it can be emotionally confusing. This will probably pass with time, but it can't hurt for you to do some thinking about what it is you're looking for in a relationship, whether you're getting it from this one, and how you see yourselves a few years down the line. It sounds like the answers to all of these questions are positive, so consciously affirming your desire to be in this relationship is a good thing. If you really want to be serious, then talking more openly about your future plans and working towards them would also bring excitement and "newness" of a different sort.
Based on your description of your girlfriend's reaction, it sounds like she may have cheated on you (hence the, "I'm OK if you want to break up with me") comment. In addition to dealing with her diagnosis, she may also be dealing with feelings of guilt, assuming she actually did cheat. That being said, I would again repeat that it's difficult to know where these things start and stop... There's no way of knowing if she cheated on you unless she actually says she did, so you are pretty much never going to get a clear answer. It doesn't sound like you really care about the past, though, which is a good thing. Really, if you both want to continue in the relationship, there's nothing stopping you guys. Obviously you're entitled to "the truth", but if you are serious about moving forward then the best thing you can do is simply be supportive and caring, and let her come to terms with everything.
A nice date might help - maybe do something fun where she doesn't have time to sit and brood? Alternatively, something quiet and relaxing so she can de-stress might work. I don't know, man. Womens are confusing. You figure it out.
I don't think the game of pin the scab on the....well I don't think thats a very family friendly game to have at a haunted house.
Maybe just asking her if she's OK would be a good place to start, tell her you care about her and you don't give a shit if she has HPV or not and go with the conversation from there.
Correct me if I'm wrong but HPV (Human papillomavirus) is not a form of herpes.
Apologies, reading comprehension fail.
Anyway, I agree that it's doubtful that is what is going on here, but I thought that is what the OP was asking, so I was trying to address those concerns.
It's also my understanding that HPV can lay dormant for years, and only crop up when the immune system is compromised. It also tends to clear itself out of a persons system in a few years. Only a small fraction of the strains out there are cancer causing. Every single woman I have ever met has had HPV at some point in their life before they even met me. Oh, and condoms don't stop it.
All that being said HPV is often the first brush most women get with time rendering their bodies imperfect. Before the wrinkles, arthritis, sagging tits, greying hair and a bad back, HPV is the first sign that they are showing a little wear and tear from having lived. They don't take it well. They can make it sound pretty apocalyptic.
Talk to each other, let her know it's okay to be concerned and distant, but strength comes from unity and communication. She needs to lean on you and you need to support it. It's incredibly difficult to deal with these, and it's incredibly difficult, even after a year, to open up to someone about this.
This HPV scare/actuality is going to be a beacon of things to come if you don't learn to move past it. Talk, talk, talk.
The key is there's a lot of myth that it's "permanent" or something. It usually goes away with treatment or on its own, most people who think it's chronic have had it twice. You could have given it to her, or got it from her, had it change slightly in your ecosystem, and given it back to her. It's not a huge deal. Most women who get it (because it is associated with cervical cancer so strongly in society) super freak out but basically, if you caught it and diagnosed it it's probably going to be fine. I know more than one person that has had it and gone on to marry and have kids, etc.
I host a podcast about movies.
Attractiveness is probably a big deal to her right now. No matter what it actually looks like, it is quite possible that in her head she's walking around with the worst image google image search can provide.
Is HPV a big deal? Probably not so big. But to her, right now, it IS, so if/when she does try to talk about it, don't downplay what she's feeling or try to tell her HPV is no big deal. Just make it clear that you think she's beautiful.
Allllll that said, and HPV aside, you should really ask her if everything is okay or if something is wrong. Maybe it's insecurity, but maybe it's not, and maybe it's something that you two can work out if you just talk about it. If asking if there's something wrong in itself ends your relationship, it was over and you just didn't know it yet. But if it doesn't and there is and you two can work on it together then you have a shot at fixing it, and that's probably preferable to you right now.
HPV can get pretty nasty I'll admit though... especially if you have immunology problems.
The internet is pretty useless for hypochondriacs because all the pictures of diseases are the absolute worst forms of the disease. So if you google tooth decay to see if that dark spot on your tooth is bad, you'll just get pictures of mouthfuls of hideous rotting corruption. Leaving you none the wiser but really grossed out.
I bought her some flowers and she came over the other day, and we had a good conversation about it. i think we are back to normal! so thanks for everyone talking me off the ledge!
This is why both parties can be dumb about communication sometimes. She could've brought up her concerns without automatically assuming the things she did!
Still. Bro. Exorcist. Let me know. I can hook you up.