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Getting back together after a long time broken up
Alternative22
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I have recently over the past couple months re-connected with my ex. We had dated for close to 2 years and we even got engaged. We knew each other for about 10 years total though. We broke up at the middle part of 2011 and i cut off all contact with her and tried to move on which at the time I thought was a good decision.
Flash forward to now almost a year later and we re-connect and start hitting it off againt. She initiated the contact originally this time, after a long time of me not speaking to her she went out of her way to get around my barriers that kept her from contacting me (like blocking her on fb and such.) to get in touch with me. She actually made a steam account and tracked me down because she knew i used it lol. At first i was extremely wary when she first tried to get in touch with me, i still harboured a lot of risidual bad feelings about her from the past and was concerned that she was contacting me to get something out of me...that was not the case however. What she did was apologize. For everything she did. I even responded very harshly to her in the beginning and she just took it all and let me get it all off my chest.
To say the least it was a shock to me. I kept expecting some kind of ultimatum, some string attached. But there was nothing. We started chatting again, first on steam, then on facebook then skype. Soon enough she was here at my place spending the weekend, at first it was as a friend but it escalated pretty much instantaneously. It was like everything just melted away from before. It was good, it still IS good sort of. We don't seem to fight anymore, and one of my major relationship issues with her from before was that she was enver open with me, she was always hiding things from me or just in general never communicating properly with me. She seems to have gone out of her way to break that habit this time. That lack of communication is totally not there anymore.
The problem is now after a few months i just keep getting anxiety. It isnt anything in specific she is doing, she's been mostly great. I just can't help but remember the past, I mean its sort of "I can forgive it but i can't forget it.". Now to shed some light on this the anxiety is founded entirely on our past, she did a lot of silly things. I even caught her profile on a dating web site while we were together, listed as single. She used to hide stuff from me, do things like we'd make plans and she jsut wouldn't show up for them with absolutely no explanation what so ever, and then when i got upset because she stood me up she would just respond with anger at me and poor excuses. There are a lot of examples of things like this, i could go on but there is little point in doing that. Let's just say she did a lot to break my trust in her, and it did get the best of me and I left, vowing to never come back again.
We are living apart right now, she did say she wanted to get back to our "original plans" which i can only assume was the mairrage plans. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that right now and that i'd need to take things very slowly because i still have a lot of anxiety over the past.
Right now she seems to be totally different, i can text her any time, she responds, she tells me what shes up to, she goes out of her way to communicate and everything seems a million times better for it. She is going above and beyond to not be the person she was before, basically is what it seems.
My problem is i just cant seem to get over the anxiety. I love her to bits and when we are around each other its good times all around, we never fight and the communication i desperately lacked is there in spades. I just can't seem to get past the past ! We got into a small spat today but it wasnt anything serious really, it was my fault and i apologized for it, it wasnt big or drawn out. But afterward she really lorded it over me, really held it against me. The problem here is i totally folded under it too, apologized and promised to do these things as if i'd done this horrible thing but it was a meaningless spat that was not even over anything really relevent. A spat that we should be able to just get over and move on right away. Afterward i went out to meet with some friends and it just kind of hit me...how i just folded like that, i let her walk all over me, this was something I did with her in the past as well...she got away with way too much before because I always folded like I was to blame. I don't want to do that anymore, i don't want to just fold, but I also don't want to drag on a useless spat either. It also sparked up all kinds of thoughts of the things she did to me in the past and all the anxiety flared up big time tonight, i felt like messaging her and just breaking it off. But I don't actually think I want to do that because she hasn't actually done anything wrong this time around that I know of. I just can't seem to forget the past, and how awful i felt back then and how depressed i was because of how she treated me, even if shes gone out of her way to make it up to me now...
Any advice on this would be great because this internal battle is driving me nuts, and browsing the web on dealing with anxiety has not given me much useful information.
Flash forward to now almost a year later and we re-connect and start hitting it off againt. She initiated the contact originally this time, after a long time of me not speaking to her she went out of her way to get around my barriers that kept her from contacting me (like blocking her on fb and such.) to get in touch with me. She actually made a steam account and tracked me down because she knew i used it lol. At first i was extremely wary when she first tried to get in touch with me, i still harboured a lot of risidual bad feelings about her from the past and was concerned that she was contacting me to get something out of me...that was not the case however. What she did was apologize. For everything she did. I even responded very harshly to her in the beginning and she just took it all and let me get it all off my chest.
To say the least it was a shock to me. I kept expecting some kind of ultimatum, some string attached. But there was nothing. We started chatting again, first on steam, then on facebook then skype. Soon enough she was here at my place spending the weekend, at first it was as a friend but it escalated pretty much instantaneously. It was like everything just melted away from before. It was good, it still IS good sort of. We don't seem to fight anymore, and one of my major relationship issues with her from before was that she was enver open with me, she was always hiding things from me or just in general never communicating properly with me. She seems to have gone out of her way to break that habit this time. That lack of communication is totally not there anymore.
The problem is now after a few months i just keep getting anxiety. It isnt anything in specific she is doing, she's been mostly great. I just can't help but remember the past, I mean its sort of "I can forgive it but i can't forget it.". Now to shed some light on this the anxiety is founded entirely on our past, she did a lot of silly things. I even caught her profile on a dating web site while we were together, listed as single. She used to hide stuff from me, do things like we'd make plans and she jsut wouldn't show up for them with absolutely no explanation what so ever, and then when i got upset because she stood me up she would just respond with anger at me and poor excuses. There are a lot of examples of things like this, i could go on but there is little point in doing that. Let's just say she did a lot to break my trust in her, and it did get the best of me and I left, vowing to never come back again.
We are living apart right now, she did say she wanted to get back to our "original plans" which i can only assume was the mairrage plans. I told her I wasn't comfortable with that right now and that i'd need to take things very slowly because i still have a lot of anxiety over the past.
Right now she seems to be totally different, i can text her any time, she responds, she tells me what shes up to, she goes out of her way to communicate and everything seems a million times better for it. She is going above and beyond to not be the person she was before, basically is what it seems.
My problem is i just cant seem to get over the anxiety. I love her to bits and when we are around each other its good times all around, we never fight and the communication i desperately lacked is there in spades. I just can't seem to get past the past ! We got into a small spat today but it wasnt anything serious really, it was my fault and i apologized for it, it wasnt big or drawn out. But afterward she really lorded it over me, really held it against me. The problem here is i totally folded under it too, apologized and promised to do these things as if i'd done this horrible thing but it was a meaningless spat that was not even over anything really relevent. A spat that we should be able to just get over and move on right away. Afterward i went out to meet with some friends and it just kind of hit me...how i just folded like that, i let her walk all over me, this was something I did with her in the past as well...she got away with way too much before because I always folded like I was to blame. I don't want to do that anymore, i don't want to just fold, but I also don't want to drag on a useless spat either. It also sparked up all kinds of thoughts of the things she did to me in the past and all the anxiety flared up big time tonight, i felt like messaging her and just breaking it off. But I don't actually think I want to do that because she hasn't actually done anything wrong this time around that I know of. I just can't seem to forget the past, and how awful i felt back then and how depressed i was because of how she treated me, even if shes gone out of her way to make it up to me now...
Any advice on this would be great because this internal battle is driving me nuts, and browsing the web on dealing with anxiety has not given me much useful information.
Alternative22 on
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Figure out what you want to hear from her right now that will make you feel better. Sit down, talk to her. Really talk to her. Tell her what you told us, that you're uncomfortable with how she acted even after you apologized, everything.
If that conversation does not go exactly to your liking, get out. It's a pattern of behavior, and if she hasn't broken it by now, she might not.
Or don't bother. She might not even realize she did it and it would be super nice of you to give her a chance to see what she did that bothered you and fix it if she's serious about you this time, but honestly, you don't owe this girl anything. She's on her second chance.
So don't look at this like it's a problem with you, and don't look at the anxiety as something you need to battle. This isn't a new situation with a different person. This is the SAME situation with the SAME person, and that anxiety is telling you that something is fucking wrong, it was wrong and it's STILL wrong. Listen to it, and either stand up for yourself and try to fix it or say "hey, this has been fun but I see where this is going and I don't want to end up there again" and leave.
It sounds to me that both your GF and you have some old habits that need changing so I would perhaps . Like you say you don't want her walking all over you and for sure part of that is her but part of that is also you. Communication is key and having a talk should be a good start but change may take time.
Also it seems to me that part of the anxiety you're feeling is coming from a totally natural of trust in getting back together. It sounds like a cliche but building trust takes time and rebuilding trust takes even longer. Being open about how you feel will help to build trust - remember your GF will be feeling all sorts of emotions as well. Also remember to try and have any talk be positive - it's about making things great between you.
I think it's important to talk to your girlfriend about how you're feeling, and you may want to consider couples counseling. Many people do counseling before breaking up, but in your situation it seems more like, from an outside view, you took a long break and now one of you had a revelation and realized that they were causing the problems. As an outsider, it's impossible for me to assign blame, but it does sound like your girlfriend's flakiness was a deep lack of commitment.
Your anxiety regarding her past behavior may have influenced the results of the spat, as well as your feelings about it. Your feelings are both normal (you were broken up for a long time) and abnormal (if things are going well you should be comfy talking about them).
Have you two talked about what you both did while you were apart? Have you sat down and discussed what caused you two to separate in the first place? I hope so, and if you haven't, you need to; you can't expect to get back together and see that things are different without actually addressing them. As an example, when my wife and I broke up, she told me that she wanted me to keep an open mind in case we could get back together in the future, and I pointed out a couple key differences and asked if she saw those things ever changing. She admitted she wouldn't, reluctantly, and we remain divorced.
My problem is I dont know if I can bring myself to truly trust her again, and the anxiety involved with that is really killing this for me right now. This is also her 3rd chance with me, technically. I left her once during our last relationship and came back after a few weeks over the initial hurt of the whole dating web site fiasco. We lived together by that point as well which made it even worse I suppose. We don't live together now obviously. I mean I have forgiven her for this stuff I suppose, because of how she is now. But I just dont know if I can get over the really broken trust between us and I know that the anxiety isn't good for either of us. And yes, letting her walk all over me like that is totally a problem with me, and I never have that problem with anyone else, just her. It seems like this is just what happens when we resolve some conflicts. This last spat was over me coming out to see her and her having suddenly made plans to have some other guy friend stay with her at the same time, something she never discussed with me beforehand and it just dropped out of nowhere. Granted hes only there for a day or so it still ruined my plans and im about to leave for a training course so we wont see each other for a while. I got frustrated and felt a little pissed off about it. Part of it I know is because of the past and the broken trust, deep down I know I just dont trust her around other men now because of the dating site stufff amongst other things. She hasnt been dishonest now, but it still is causing a lot of bad feelings for me.
If you're going to stay with her at the very least you need to start talking about this stuff with her instead of random internet people. She either doesn't like talking about the past because it makes her feel bad about herself or because she feels that you've talked about it enough to move on and you're dwelling on it (meaning one of you can't deal with what happened).
Your anxiety won't go away on its own. The fact that you've let her into your life this far, and see how she's changed, shows that you're willing to work on it, and the fact that you're even having this discussion means that you're starting to trust her more. You want to trust her, from the sound of things, but you're not sure if it's the right decision?
I still think it's worth talking about this latest situation, not in a "fight" situation but in explaining why you felt the way you did, and trying to understand what she was thinking when she made the plans.
And get some couples counseling.
The spat was pretty minor and I mean she isnt actually doing anything wrong right now. She did try to work with me afterward to see how we could all be there at the same time, and we seemed to "make up" mostly after the spat, but she was still upset with me and she really held it against me. Some of the things she said also gave me flashbacks of things from the past that I didn't like and it didnt help the situation, and I think that thats just the anxiety talking again though, and thats the real battle is fighting off all the anxiety and over-thinking of it. Yes I WANT to trust her, and I know she is trying seemingly her best to be better as well but i still cant seem to shake it off the bad gut feeling. It doesnt help ive been trying to get ahold of her all day because i have to solidify my travel arrangements like, this afternoon and she hasn't responded to me once all day and i've been trying since 9"30am. Being ignored is totally not helping the situation and this is def something she used to do to me in the past when she was upset that caused a lot of problems for me too.
You're being put into a catch 22, because if you say you're not comfortable, YOU end up looking like the controlling asshole most of the time.
Whole other 'friend' staying over aside, you need to think about whether you want to continue to live with the anxiety that this is putting you through. I was going through something similar to this about 6 months ago, and now that I'm single, I am WAY happier. I had more time for the gym, for my hobbies, and I fell in love with ME again.
Sometimes you should try to work things out, and sometimes you need to cut bait.
I don't know of anyone who is in a serious relationship who would consider having someone spend the night at their place not be news, even if it was a childhood bff (regardless of gender & sexual orientation). I mean, that's just one of those things that comes up. "Hey, my friend Jane is going to stay at my place next week!" It's not even a thing. It's just life information, like, "I'm gonna get a dog" or "My mom wants to have dinner with me tomorrow". There's dishonesty in lying, but there's also dishonesty in not communicating. This feels a lot like the latter.
Really, even if it was a harmless mistake, your reaction to it speaks volumes about your emotional state in this relationship. As much as you love this girl, it may just be one of those things where you have to part ways and find someone else. There isn't necessarily any blame - just a recognition that the past is making it too difficult to move forward. Chalk it up to life experience, and maybe you can avoid these problems with the next person...
That right there in bold is something that was a really, REALLY big issue for the two of us in the past. and what you said there made me realize that is exactly why im having such an anxiety attack over it. In the past she did not communicate properly with me at all about all kinds of important things or just refused entirely to tell me what was going on. It was like we lived in the same house but i never knew what was going on in her life. It was a huge problem for me back then and contributed very heavily to the break up back then. I didn't even realize it till you said those words that that is exactly why its triggering my anxiety so badly. It was the fact she didnt feel the need to mention this to me at all, despite her knowing full well I was planning to come this coming week. She said the plans with this other person staying were not really finalized and were totally up in the air till just the other day, but still i felt like it should have been mentioned considering my own plans.
I really want this to work but seeing how easily my anxiety was triggered by this one little spat and now realizing what the trigger was is something in itself. I still dont believe she has inherently done anything wrong, i mean she DID tell me about it, i mean only after i told her my date i was planning to come, but she did still tell me, and afterward try to work out a way the two plans could coincide. But I just have no idea how to combat these anxiety triggers and its really going to drive me nuts if this keeps happening. Or worse, what if she starts to not communicate very well more often? It makes me think she hasnt actually changed as much as I thought.
Not to mention I really dont want to take my anxiety out on her by mistake when she really hasn't done anything to deserve it because that's not really fair to her either.
Hey man, been there got burned by that. So one thing you wrote jumped out at me like seeing a "Minefield" sign during a walk on a quiet beach
Let's just run the tape on that one again, only a little slower with some image enhancement:
OK so. You actually already know what you should do, and I reckon you either want us to tell you to do what you already know you should do, or you want us to persuade you that everything your mind is telling you about this girl is somehow wrong.
Anyway let me tell you a little joke I once heard:
Two old friends meet up after a long while apart and they go see a classic old cowboy film. One says to the other as the hero is walking towards a shady cantina "You know I bet he bangs his head on the doorframe". His friend says "Yer, OK, $5 says he doesn't".
Sure enough, the hero smacks his head into the wood. The first friend says "Look man, I can't take your money. I have to admit that this was a sucker bet because I've seen this film before."
His buddy replies "Well yeah actually so have I, but I didn't think he'd do it twice".
Like I said, this is not anxiety because of things done in the past cropping up in a new situation. That would definitely be therapy-worthy. This is the same person who is making you unhappy, whatever she is or isn't doing. You don't trust her, and honestly, you probably won't, and that said, the fact that your instinct is to practically cower with her and then try to make it YOUR FAULT somehow with us is deeply, deeply troubling to me.
Honestly I feel really good about this. I needed to stand up to her this way, regardless of the outcome. I mean fuck she went on dating sites when we were together last time, she actively was communicating with other men in that fashion. She betrayed my trust constantly, and she was doing it again with this failure to communicate important shit like another guy coming over. Looking back on it after this I kind of wonder what the fuck I was thinking. My instincts from the get go when she first tried to talk to me were to not talk to her then too, I don't know why I didn't listen back then. My instincts are probably right about these things and I should really listen to them more.
She seems to be disassociating from the situation when she cuts off communication attempts, and I dare say that she's projecting the "victimization" onto you. That is to say, she is participating in victimizing you, and is the victimizer, however she projects that behavior onto you as a means of coping with her negative behaviors. This is a pretty common behavior among abusive partners and borderline personalities (this is similar to having A.D.D. and has nothing to do with split personality/bipolar).
I think you were smart to break things off. I also recommend reading this book, as it is helpful in my opinion for anyone looking into maintaining a long-term, healthy relationship and may help you spot red flags in people. Not being willing to work on something or communicate is one of them.
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Love-You-Want-Couples/dp/0805068953
I'm proud of you for being able to stand up for yourself.
Thanks Ceres
Also thanks Sky for the book recommendation, i'll look into that. I actually dont have a ton of relationship experience, i've had 3 really long relationships and very few small ones in between. I basically was with this girl for 2 years, and before that i was with someone for 5 years, and before that i was with someone for a year. So in all reality I don't really have a whole ton of experience.
Also, i just got asked out for next weekend. Nothing serious just a coffee/dinner and a catching up with someone that i ironically went on a date with a few years back that never went anywhere after (Date went great, just never really went places.) she just realized that I am in town now for classes and we randomly started talking on facebook about ex's and she mentioned our date a few years back and we kinda laughed about it, and she asked me out. I'm not looking to enter anything here lol but it's still a nice feeling, sort of a "theres definitely other fish in the sea" sort of thing, even if I don't feel like fishing right now, its still going to be nice to reconnect with someone who i got along with regardless of any intentions.
You'll be surprised who shows up out of the woodwork sometimes, and it does do wonders for the self-esteem. 8-) The good thing is that you can begin putting this behind you, and now you know something to look out for the next time around...
You did the right thing despite how much it might hurt now. Trust is a major key to a healthy relationship and speaking from experience, if the trust is broken once and you try the relationship again, it will fail! I fought the same ordeal for 7 years! I wish that I would have broke it off sooner but I was in love and kept hoping it would work. One big hurt earlier on would have been much better than the several little hurts and anxiety that carried out over years! I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself despite your feelings for her! You did both of you a big favor! Good Luck in your future relationships! :-)