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Its very early days but advise welcome - first time dad!
Prime
UKRegistered User regular
UKRegistered User regular
As im not allowed to talk to people I actually know about this yet I come to you, internet buddies.
My other half and I have decided after much talking, to give raising a family the go ahead. Im 27 and shes 25, we have been together 6 years. We own a house with plenty of room and both have secure professional jobs earning good money for our age and the given climate. We both feel if there was an good time its now!
On one hand im really excited to be taking this next step, on the other hand I have no idea what to expect as neither of our siblings or close friends have gone through this yet. Im not asking for anything in particular but its helpful to be able just to talk about it as we are not telling anyone we know until she is confirmed pregnant to keep the pressure off. Although she has told her mum so she has someone to talk to.
Any advise/hints/anecdotes for this (all going well) father to be?
My other half and I have decided after much talking, to give raising a family the go ahead. Im 27 and shes 25, we have been together 6 years. We own a house with plenty of room and both have secure professional jobs earning good money for our age and the given climate. We both feel if there was an good time its now!
On one hand im really excited to be taking this next step, on the other hand I have no idea what to expect as neither of our siblings or close friends have gone through this yet. Im not asking for anything in particular but its helpful to be able just to talk about it as we are not telling anyone we know until she is confirmed pregnant to keep the pressure off. Although she has told her mum so she has someone to talk to.
Any advise/hints/anecdotes for this (all going well) father to be?
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if so congrats, if not than don't be surprised when it isn't (likely) going to happen immediately so try not to get frustrated.
its tough but increbily rewarding. also stressful. sooo stressful.
I felt consistently useless for most of the first couple months. After that they start interacting and by year one you are excited over the most simple of things.
Cherish playtime. All of it, and that gets harder as they are able to make demands and dictate how they want to play instead of taking your suggestions.
It gets better and worse from there.
They're pretty worth it, though. Most of the time.
On one hand I'm looking forward to giving what I didn't have but also terrified I'm supposed to know something through past experience I don't.
After the birth, same drill only now pay attention to the baby too. If/when you get pregnant and need specifics at any stage you can check in on the SE++ kid thread, we're pretty friendly and helpful.
Accept that no matter what you think will happen, how you think you will parent, once you actually have that baby in your arms, it will probably go out the window. You will spend nine months explaining how you will do things when you're a dad, and then probably eighteen years eating your words.
It's your baby. Everyone will have well-meaning advice for you, everyone will critique your performance, but you make the decisions with your wife. The odds of you truly screwing your kid up are probably very small if you're taking time to worry about what the odds are in the first place. But try to be patient with these nosy people, because it's very easy and natural to be sensitive to this stuff, but for the most part they want the same thing you want: a happy, healthy baby. Thank them for their input, then do whatever the hell you want.
Most other stuff will be covered in classes and by your doctor. It's hard, but you can do it. Take it like an alcoholic, one day at a time.
There ended up being different stages, deciding (or surprise!) to have a child, working on nutrition and exercise through the pregnancy, preparing the house and vehicles, gathering up crib sheets, diapers, and other items, and then working on from there.
We found that any surface would work for changing diapers. Didn't need fancy baby furniture. We were constantly doing small loads of laundry and having four crib sheets, onesies, and whatever else was almost the right number.
And Quoth's next to last paragraph is spot on.
If you're currently trying but aren't pregnant/don't know if you're pregnant:
Have a plan but don't be disappointed if it doesn't work out exactly the way you had hoped. By this I mean, I know a lot of couples that had to try to get pregnant for months when they thought they would get pregnant on their first try. They had it worked up in their minds that it was a one and done deal and they weren't prepared for the process to take its own course on its own time.
The opposite is true: I did think my wife would get pregnant during the first week that we tried, so I was a little freaked out when I realized that the nine month count down started way earlier than I had planned.
Don't jump to conclusions about fertility if you're not pregnant in the first week; nature just might not be ready to take action yet.
Also: MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR MEDICAL INSURANCE SORTED OUT. HAVING A BABY COSTS $TEXAS.
If you are currently pregnant:
Pregnant women can't handle cat litter, so if you have cats you're going to be doing the scooping from now on.
Be prepared to pick up a lot more chores around the house, especially in the last 4 months or so of the pregnancy. Obviously your wife will be very pregnant by that point and will be unable to do most of the basic household duties, so be prepared to pick up a lot of the slack. (And don't complain about it, either.)
Birthing classes are useful and you guys should definitely seek one out. They teach you a lot of stuff that you probably haven't thought about (like how to properly swaddle a baby).
After the baby is born:
Everyone you know is going to want to see the baby. It's way easier to set up an open house for a few hours on the weekend a few weeks after your baby is born so that people can stop by and see the baby.
Always wash your hands after you change a diaper.
Always make sure people wash their hands before handling the baby.
And like Quoth said, people will give you unsolicited advice; just smile and nod and do whatever the hell feels right to you.
The first 6-12 months of the child's life are the toughest, because you're all adapting to circumstances that are totally new to you. Newborns are incredibly demanding on your time, attention, and energy, and while your mileage may vary, it could mean the near-total loss of your social life, hobbies, personal time, and sanity. You need to be prepared for this. Brace yourself for it. Seriously.
After two years or so things start to improve. Your child will become more autonomous and better able to entertain his/herself, and will be able to communicate with you and tell you what s/he needs or wants. They get cuter and cuter over time, too, so while the initial time may be genuinely excruciating (it was for me), IT GETS BETTER. There's a reason that phrase is the most repeated phrase you'll hear doled out your way by existing parents: because it's true. And because there's a position of NOT-BETTER that things start out at, from which things can only go up.
But the intervening time can and probably will SUCK. In between happy first-times and cute-outfit pictures, there's a whole lot of noise, and stress and work. There may be weeks and months where you weep bitter tears and question daily the madness that drove you to dare to create new life, the hubris and arrogance that made you to suppose your reserves of strength were up to the task. But you'll be in it proper by that time, and you can't send 'em back, so... you'll make due, and you'll get through it day to day, and one day you'll realize you're enjoying yourself more than you're suffering, and on that day it'll all be worth it.
That's how it went for me, anyway.
Steam: Chaos Introvert | Twitch.tv: Chaos_Introvert | R*SC: Chaos_Introvert | PSN: testsubject23
I think this is probably the most apt and on point piece of advice so far. Your time is no longer your own after your child is born. You won't be able to play video games for 4 hours after work every day and 10 hours straight on Saturdays. You'll be lucky if you get to play 4 hours a month after baby arrives.
Pro Tip: Get used to playing single player games that you can pause. It's nigh impossible to play online with other people unless it's the middle of the night and baby is asleep.
Yeah, same. Stuff like sitting in my recliner last night watching TV with my (newly) 4 year old son sitting on the arm rest with his head on my shoulder pretty much makes any of the downsides worth it.
Though he only did that for a couple of minutes before he "fell off" and then wanted me to move to the couch so he could have my chair, but still. Those 2 minutes were awesome.
This, a lot. Even now that both our guys sleep through the night, as mentioned, it's still difficult to find a solid few hours of gaming time (and still be able to get up in the morning with kids, at any rate).
Also, portable games that you can play one-handed, because you may well be by the side of the crib/whatever and need the other hand to hold the baby (or rock or pat or whatever it is that's keeping it asleep that particular night). I played a lot of Phoenix Wright during these nights, Puzzle Quest, Professor Layton, that sort of thing; NDS games that are pen-only, and I'm sure lots of phone games would work as well
If you have a laptop and can learn to operate the trackpad with your feet, so much the better. (I am not even kidding here; I learned to control video playing apps this way to get through some long nights when putting the baby down wasn't an option and moving to press the keyboard seemed overly risky).
oh, and get more receiving blankets than you expect. You will be doing a lot of wiping up one thing and another during the early months.
My wife and I are both 30. We've been married 8 years (9 next April) and planned for both of our pregnancies. I think we may be rare in that we decided when we wanted to get pregnant, started trying, and immediately got pregnant with no fuss. This happened both times. We do not question it.
Pregnancy #1: All in all it was an easy pregnancy. We had good insurance, so my wife was able to get excellent care at the doctor that she wanted. She didn't get very sick, except for a few really random times, like once on a snorkel cruise in Maui after drinking a cup of POG, and once getting an eye exam. She suddenly stopped liking chinese food, eggs, and bread, except for toast. She really liked eating ice. Occasionally she would send me out for something, like a certain flavor of ice cream, then call me while I was at the store to tell me she didn't want it anymore. For my part I had a lot of weird cravings, like the time I was driving home one night and suddenly wanted waffles really badly.
We were both first-time parents, so there was some nervousness about how everything was going to go down. I wasn't very nervous about actually being a dad, even though I'd never really been around babies and didn't really like kids. I always knew I would love my own kid, I knew I wanted to be a father, and I trusted my wife to be a good mother. So in that respect I was very confident. It was just the whole process of getting the baby out that we were nervous about. It turns out we were right to be nervous, but I'll get to that in a bit.
Here's my first bit of advice for a first-time parent: Go to child birth/parenting classes. They really, really help. Knowing what can happen during a birth, what your options are, and most importantly what your rights are, goes a long way toward making you feel better about the process. You can go in armed with a plan, and more importantly armed with the knowledge of your other options when your plan inevitably fails. You'll also go in knowing that after the baby is out, you'll be able to change a diaper, swaddle, and generally be around your baby without worrying that you're going to break it.
Our first baby was two weeks late. We could have had her sooner, but our plan was for a natural birth with no drugs, so we wanted to wait instead of inducing. After two weeks though it was time, so we went in. My wife was induced, then we tried to get some sleep while we waited for labor to start.
It started around 4am, and here's where I'll give you the next piece of advice: You can do it. I didn't know that I could massage someone's back for 12 hours with almost no breaks, but it turns out I can. I didn't know I could watch my wife go through intense pain, watch our whole birthing plan fall apart, do it all on little sleep and no food, and still be strong and supportive, but it turns out I can. I can make tough decisions when my wife is in too much pain to think.
So yeah, tough decisions. We wanted a natural birth. That was not happening. My wife wouldn't dilate, even after the doctor manually opened her cervix. So in came the epidural, because the doctor thought she was in so much pain that she couldn't relax enough to actually dilate. This was one of those tough decisions. My wife was in pain, she was in tears because she didn't want drugs, and she looked at me and said, "I don't know what to do." I said she should get it, that it's very low-risk (thank you birthing classes), and that it might help. I said that we had a plan, but plans change, and right now we need to do what's best for the baby. So we did it.
It didn't help. I mean yes, it helped with the pain, but it didn't help with labor. My wife's contractions were right on top of each other (and still painful! but less so), one after the other, and she still wasn't dilating. To make matters worse, the baby's heart rate was decreasing during every contraction. The doctor said it wasn't dangerous yet, but it could be. So it was time for tough decision number two. Do we do the c-section now, or do we wait, see if things improve, and hope we're not doing the c-section in the ER at the hospital (we were at a birthing center that was fully equipped for c-sections, but not for life-threatening emergencies) down the street? Another round of tears, and another tough call to make. This time we agreed, we had to do it now. We're not putting our baby at risk just for the ability to say we got her out naturally. So we signed a form, then they wheeled her into the operating room while I waited, being told I would be able to come in once prep was done.
Well, it turns out that would not be the case. Prep seemed like it was taking a long time, but finally a nurse came into the room, so I figured they were ready. Nope! She tells me that I can't come in yet, they may have to put my wife under general anesthesia, and they'll let me know if anything changes. To say I was scared would be an understatement. I was shaking, pacing the room, praying, setting the clock on the VCR, anything to keep me from breaking down into a blubbering mess.
After a hundred years the nurse came back and told me the baby is out, that mom and baby are okay, and that I can come in. I can't describe to you the feeling of relief that came over me at that moment, except to say that it still makes me choke up as I write about it now, four years later. Anyway, I went in and found my wife still on the operating table while they handed me my baby. I finally just lost it. I mean there was no holding it back. My wife was alive, my baby was healthy and beautiful, and I was damn well going to cry my eyes out.
But the adventure was not over! You see, I couldn't come in during the surgery because my wife's anesthesia didn't work. They tried as hard as they could to numb her, but she could feel the whole surgery. When asked, she can only describe the experience as "Burning fire and a lot of screaming." Anyway, the time came to sew her back up, and that was also extremely painful, so it was time for me and the baby to go. I walked back to the room with my baby in my arms and tears streaming down my face, past what I'm pretty sure were the terrified gazes of some other family's visitors in the waiting area.
Back in the room, I sat in a rocking chair and smiled down at my daughter while she sucked on my pinky. I told her that her mom was strong and that she loved her. Eventually my wife was done in the OR, they were able to give her a lot of pain medication (now that they didn't need to worry so much about affecting the baby), and she was brought back in. I handed her our daughter, we both cried, and then we settled in for recovery, which went very well and involved a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches.
Damn, that got really long. So I guess the point of the first part of me talking at length about having kids is that the first pregnancy can be scary, but you can do it. You can absolutely do it. The story of the second pregnancy and delivery is a lot shorter, I swear. I'll get to life after delivery too, but I love talking about this stuff so I'm going to take my time.
For us it took 10 years, 8 of it actively doing some form of fertility treatment from just some vitamins up to... procedures. It was worth it in the end, and we have a wonderful 2 year old now... but just know that not every couple gets pregnant easily, or necessarily at all. If it's easy for you, great stuff- I wish you all the luck in this respect. If it doesn't work right away, keep at it. If it doesn't work in the first two years, you might want to consider seeing a fertility specialist.
I'll leave the rest to the people above (looks like you have a lot of advice already built up from conception on!), but I just wanted to add my own experiences in here for the different viewpoint.
That was a good read, please feel free to talk more
This is something I have thought about, but I must admit, I put it in the back of my mind. I would love to say im prepared for it taking a long time but I'd be lying. I guess its a bridge you have to cross when or if it happens.
As for hobbies taking a wayside initially, thats to be expected and im not worried about it. I'll just look forward to the time I can introduce them to the kid when its older, but now im getting even further away from the present day :P
Infant #1: Being a father, there's the perception that there isn't much you can do for the baby when it's first born. I rejected this idea. In the first few months, there's only a handful of things the baby needs: food, sleep, a clean diaper, and human contact. As a father there's only one of those you can't provide, and even then only if you breastfeed exclusively (which we did). I wanted to be active right from the start, so I did those other things. I kept my daughter clean. I helped her get to sleep. I held her and slept next to her (safely). I played with her. I talked to her. I changed her clothes. Basically anything that wasn't breastfeeding, I made sure I was involved.
That being said, prepare for your baby to not care about you for a while. It can barely see more than a foot or two in front of its face, and although it will recognize your voice, it's not really interactive yet. This stage is commonly called the "fourth trimester" and it will only last for a few months. After that things get better. Your baby will want to start learning about things and that will include you. It will (usually/probably) start to prefer you or mom to other people.
Anyway, for us specifically, Adelaide was a pretty easy baby. We had some trouble getting her to latch on for feedings at first, but some time with a lactation consultant helped a lot and we got over that hurdle pretty easily. Actually there's a pretty good bit of advice there: don't feel like bad parents if things aren't working out how you would expect. Every kid is different. Just do your best and be patient.
After a few months Adelaide was sleeping well, and I think not long after that she was sleeping through the night. I can almost guarantee that the first time you sleep through the night you will wake up in a mild bit of shock and wonder what the hell just happened and oh god where are you what did you forget is everyone alive why is it morning oh the baby slept through the night sweet lord she slept oh this is wonderful what just happened am I late for work I can't believe she slept. Eventually you'll get used to it.
It took a long time for Adelaide to start crawling, and even longer for her to start walking. I think she just didn't care. She liked sitting on a blanket and playing with whatever was in reach, so she didn't seem to want to go anywhere. Same deal with walking. She could crawl around fine, so what did she need with all this two-footed business? She's been like that ever since, at least to some degree. She always takes her time with new things, and gets easily frustrated when they don't work right away. She reminds me a lot of myself in that regard. To this day I'm unable to ride a bike, because I got easily frustrated when I was a kid and I was too stubborn to let my parents push me through it.
Bath times were always interesting. At first she didn't like it, then I accidentally dropped her face in the water and she really didn't like it, then she liked it, then she was terrified of it, then she liked it again, and now she loves it. At no point did I have anything more than a vague theory on why she might be feeling one way or the other. Be prepared for a lot of that. Kids just don't make sense sometimes.
Eventually we decided it was time for baby #2, and shortly before she came we decided it was time for potty training. Adelaide was just under 2 years old when we started. At first it was horrible. It was probably one of the most frustrating things we've ever had to deal with. There were a few times when we wanted to just throw that damn kid out the window (not literally of course) and other times when we wanted to jump out ourselves. There was no going back though, so we stuck with it, and after a couple of days it finally clicked with her and everything was wonderful.
Then it was time to have the second baby. That was a very different experience that deserves its own post.
I have a son who is now 1 year old. I did things just like Denada. You can do everything for your baby except breastfeed him/her.
I learned this when my wife wasnt able to get out of bed easily after the delivery due to some cut labia.
For a long time I got up during the night for the night feedings (bringing him to her) and diaper changes.
Also be prepared for less sex because of the baby needing more time and being tired isnt always that good of an afrodisiac.
Your social live is centered around the baby. If the baby hasnt slept yet or is sleeping you cant go anywhere.
Steam: Chaos Introvert | Twitch.tv: Chaos_Introvert | R*SC: Chaos_Introvert | PSN: testsubject23
Denada, once again a great read. Really helping me build a picture of whats to come.
Subjective experience and all, but I don't personally know anyone who has thought "hey, I wish I'd waited until later to have these kids I have now". That's not an inducement to reproduce, but an intimation that one is never "ready" to have kids no matter how old you are or how much money you make.
Take pictures, videos, and write diary entries, as much as you can. They grow up so fucking fast.
Don't worry about not being a good parent. Listen. Give compassion. And keep your fuse long. People have been doing this before the Internet, before electricity and running water, before agriculture. One thing we've largely lost in the West is the experience of the extended family. If you don't have parents, uncles/aunts and grandparents to use as a knowledge/experience resource then get some books. Use them as a framework, and supplement with your pediatrician's nursing staff.
Pick up proactively, cause your partner may be trying to live out some super-parent ideal. I know with some moms in particular the desire to be supermom who can do and handle everything means they self-tax themselves too much. For me this means getting up early and tidying and doing the dishes (clearing them from the sink) and doing laundry if mom has been overtaxed by the kids.
If you don't know how to cook, learn.
Take advantage of family and trusted friends who have experience with kids. Date nights with kids are good, but you 2 need your alone time too.
I honestly don't understand the refrain that you cannot game with kids. I play more games, and for more extended periods than when I didn't have kids (barring when I'd skip class and play FF7 for 14 hours straight). Subjective experience and all. I get fewer pub nights with the guys, and sometimes it's more likely to be a couple pints after work rather than hanging out til we close the bar down.
Start saving for college. ... you think I joke, but I don't. If you cannot clear $50/pay period into savings out of your disposable income now, you sure as shit won't be able to when you have a kid.
My DVR is 2/3rd full of Team Umizoomi, Wild Kratts, and Sid The Science Kid. It's been 4 years since I bought my wife a decent Xmas gift, because it's so much funner to spend the money on the kids.
Anything that's on the ground or within 3 feet of the ground is likely to have a finger put in it, or be put into the child's mouth. This height increases with capacity to climb and if you cannot break them of such habits.
You will talk more about poop than you ever had in your entire life.
My personal experience, but I used to have about 4 hours a night of free time but with two kids, after feedings, baths, pjs, etc, I have maybe an hour and a half, if I have nothing else going on that day. And that's if traffic on my commute is good. Weekends are still pretty much marathon game fests, but my gaming time has noticeably shrunk.
The main difference is I can't really play online stuff anymore. With kids, you need to be able to stop what you're doing at a moments notice, sometimes for several minutes or more, so it's an exercise in frustration, at least for me, if I can't quickly pause it. Also, it's harder to use a headset because kids can make a lot of noise, and I don't want to be annoying to the other players. It gets better when they get older, though.
Everything works the way it is supposed to, and your plans don't mean much to the universe. So, be flexible, be informed and try to have a sense of humor.
Getting pregnant
-- It may take longer then you expect, we actually lost the first pregnancy and had to try for another year. It happens more often then you may know. I hope it doesn't happen to you, but its natures way of ending a failed pregnancy and not because you are a bad person.
-- have the wife Take the prenatal pills, buy a big bottle she will be taking them for a looooong time.
Being pregnant
-- Your wife will go through all kinds of weird things. My wife was nauseous the entire pregnancy, also she was exhausted the entire pregnancy. She stopped liking most foods and could only get fruit down.
-- for me, it was odd because nothing had changed for me, i just took care of her. But i could still play my games, or go out to eat. I wasn't pregnant.
-- Enjoy as much as you can now. Eat out, go out. Having a baby makes this more complicated then its worth. So enjoy it while you can.
The birth
-- Nothing goes according to plan. Wife ended up with preeclampsia and had to deliver 3 weeks early. Short of the baby or the wife dieing, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Screw the plan, just be informed about the process so you know what to expect when the poop hits the fan.
The aftermath
-- Once the wife was home, because the birth went so wrong, her bladder shut down and she had to have a catheter for 2 weeks. She she was bed bound, and i got to take care of her, the baby and the house by myself for that time.
-- baby's don't sleep like you and me, it can take weeks to months for them to achieve deep sleep so they sleep for short bursts and then wake up and want to be fed. That means that you sleep for short bursts.
-- It gets better, each week is a little better then the last. At 6 weeks, if he finishes eating @ 10:30 he will sleep till 3am, then again till 6am. that is not too bad.
-- You will survive this, one day at a time
The Baby
-- Like it was said above, the baby doesn't care much about you for the next few months. So for me, its been difficult bonding with him. I mean, he is my boy and i love him. But i am strongly looking forward to when he will look at me and smile, or when he will play with stuff. right now he just sleeps poops and cries... and throws up now and again.
breastfeeding
--Our baby would not breastfeed, he just was not interested and lost about 10% of his body weight in the hospital and was severely jaundiced. All the nurses and doctors said this was fine, and he would come around. the general sentiment from everyone was breastfeeding is best, and formula is is fine if you want to be a terrible parent.
--well, that's a pile of bullshit. Don't let people tell you its OK. you will know if its OK, and if you want to feed him formula you go and do it and hold your head up high. eventually we had a nurse that came in and was like, my god.. the baby is starving, here give him this formula. The baby devoured a 2 ounce bottle in like 5 minutes and has never looked back. He is 6 weeks old and has doubled his body weight and is happy and healthy as can be.
So good luck, and come back as things progress and ask more questions. I think we all love talking about our kids... i mean look at the size of these posts!
Oh man, does it get better. My son just turned 4 a few weeks ago, and he is so awesome (most of the time). I actually find myself looking forward to spending time with him.
My daughter is almost 7 months old and does the cute baby stuff, smiling, cooing, laughing, etc, but is still pretty fussy. I remember after about a year that they got a lot more fun.
We were in a similar boat. My wife just didn't produce much at all for both births. She would be lucky if she got a half ounce every 3 hours. So both of ours are mostly formula fed and are fine. The biggest benefit of breast milk is the immune system boost, but that's not a totally necessary thing. If you can breastfeed enough with no problems, I recommend it, but never feel like a bad parent if you choose to use formula.
When others find out that you're expecting, you'll get inundated with a lot of well-intentioned advice (prepare for more from this wall 'o text!). Oftentimes the advice is conflicting, which makes it all the more fun for a first-time parent. I know that every pregnancy and child is different so with only one child, my advice is pretty limited. Hoping it helps someone, though.
When my wife and I announced that we were expecting, we both agreed to not find out if we were going to have a son or daughter. The reasons were two-fold. First, we thought it would be more fun. Second, it kept my mother at bay from going on a spending spree as this was the first baby for this generation of my extended family. Since there were no hand-me-downs, this meant that my mom would get free reign to buy things like mad. The less she and my family knew about the baby, the better. Also, rummage sales and Craigslist are great places to get clothes and toys. Djeet is right that they grow up incredibly fast, so you'll be swapping out clothes after the kid gets to wear it once or twice before it's too small.
Going to birthing classes was definitely helpful. What we enjoyed most out of it was the advice on taking care of a newborn after the birth. Also, having the resources to assist with creating a birthing plan was nice. Like Denada and his wife, we also wanted to go with a drug-free labor process and confirmed with our hospital our expectations. Actually, my wife considered doing a home birth with a duola (labor coach) but I disagreed vehemently because this was our first and I wanted to be ready for a worst-case scenario. The compromise was that we'd go drug-free at the hospital, but that I'd have to be strong in supporting the decision to not use any drugs. We also agreed that the duola wasn't necessary, even though the hospital expressed it's support if we wanted to use one.
Pregnancy was overall very easy for her. She rarely got sick and the only strange dietary habits she experiences was a severe distaste for leftovers. That was a slight bummer since I was kind of hoping to go on midnight runs to the grocery store for weird food requests. She also insisted on still doing household chores to the point where I had to tell her to stop (You want to paint the ceiling? Seriously don't see anything wrong with that?). Basically her pregnancy routine did not change very much from her "regular" life. She just became more diligent when it came to her diet and going on walks. Our dog enjoyed that the latter a lot.
The thing she hated most was not being able to sleep in a comfortable position. I bought her two pillows for this. The first was a full body pillow that was shaped like a tall C to allow her to comfortably sleep on her side. While she liked it at first, it annoyed her that she was basically stuck in that position for the full night. Later, she switched to a small head pillow that had a little depressed area for her ear (I think I got it at an As Seen on TV! store). She'd put another pillow between her legs for support and preferred it over the more-expensive body pillow. (grumble grumble)
The baby was past due a couple weeks, so we took to various methods to try and hurry up the process. One of them worked and she started having contractions that night, though she did not tell me that until morning. Of course, she couldn't sleep a wink. A quick stop at the doctor's office in the afternoon confirmed that she was in labor and we then had our first big decision - go home and wait a bit longer or go to the hospital? The doctor thought that she was close, so we went to the hospital where we got checked in and waited, walked, and waited some more with plenty of backrubs in between. 10 hours later, my wife was beat from being awake over 36 hours and there was still minimal progress. I committed to our earlier compromise to avoid the drugs and convinced her to try and relax with a soak in the tub before we made the next decision.
When her water still hadn't broken, we decided to have it done manually. It wasn't exactly what she wanted, but it was still not drugs. The contractions immediately intensified and dilation was happening rapidly. Within 30 minutes we were holding our son Aaron. I don't remember too much from the pushing process. My wife was on her side clutching the bars and the room suddenly filled up with nurses. I was constantly moving between her and the sink to soak towels in cold water to place on her head while probably saying words of encouragement that she never heard me say anyway. In all the chaos, I did remember a nurse just standing in the corner doing nothing. I later learned that she was there specifically to watch me and make sure I did not pass out. Fun. My wife's two regrets were that we did not choose to set up a camcorder to capture those 10 minutes and that we let the hospital staff take Aaron away too early for the tests and measurements. She wanted more skin-to-skin time with him than we were given and when we got him back he was all swaddled up.
My wife's recovery was pretty quick. We could have stayed in the hospital for another night, but opted to go home early instead. The biggest struggle immediately afterwards wasn't necessarily the sleep schedule or diaper changes. My wife was was committed to breast-feeding, but Aaron was not doing it well. Basically we had no choice but to stop after a few weeks. It wasn't just a matter of convenience - Aaron was simply losing weight when he should have been gaining. In fact, we surmised that he was sleeping so well at night because his body was trying to conserve energy instead of crying and getting little to no nutrition for it. It was not an easy decision to stop thanks to all the "lactivists" out there, but it turned out to be the right one for mother and child. (Hat tip to Thundyrkatz)
Assigning roles after that wasn't difficult. With formula at the ready I could do every task that was needed. It also helped that I am a total night owl and my wife was an early riser. We always got enough rest between the two of us, which was a major plus for our relationship. Also, I got to stay up late and play video games or work on personal projects.
There was only one night where I really lost my nerve and loudly "Shh'd!" the baby. Surprisingly, it worked and later on a friend handed me a DVD about the 5 S's. Your mileage may vary, but the advice worked perfectly for calming down our son. We never had any problems after that and it was something that I could always do to help my wife when Aaron was crying.
I'm really glad that Thundyrkatz mentioned the bonding bit, because I felt the exact same way early on. It felt like something was wrong with me because I thought I was supposed to feel more connected to this child, but I felt like I was taking care of a pet. That first smile of recognition, though... man, is it worth it.
An older couple we knew gave us a book that we ended up latching to for our go-to advice. The series is called Babywise and we found more resources online at a blog called babywisemom.com. (I only suggest this direction because so far it has worked for our son. A close friend tried using the series and had to stop it because his son just would not cooperate, but they're doing fine.) The thing I liked about it was that it allowed us to establish a schedule that we could more or less rely upon each day. Getting a feed, play, and sleep routine down helped us with our sanity though to be honest, we floundered around for over a month before we finally locked down and used the advice. The hardest part was stopping the night (dream) feedings, but he stopped expecting it within a week. Now he's in bed by 7:30PM and sleeps soundly until 7AM and we can plan out our day better.
Oh, and one last thing comes to mind... Watch how your baby sleeps and pay particular attention to which side the head is turned. Aaron had a very stiff neck muscle issue and constantly turned his head to the right. Even when he was asleep and we tried to tilt his head the other way, his neck would be locked and his whole body would move. The end result was a moderate-to-severe case of plagiocephaly where his head was noticeably misshapen and 4 months of wearing a $3,000 DOC Band to try and correct it. Aaron's got one month left and there is definitely an improvement. Just wish we could have addressed it sooner.
Thanks to all the more-experienced parents for the advice and anecdotes of what's to come. I've been particularly interested in the advice of parents who had their second child closely after their first. Don't know how you keep your sanity...
Definitely! Being at home all the time is very much worth the effort. I took 5 months off after birth with both our kids (now almost-3 and 5), and while it took a bit of saving to cover the difference in income, it made a big difference knowing what's going on all the time, being around to help with day-to-day things, taking the kid(s) for walks on my own, lots of stuff.
Also seconding the recommendations for prenatal classes; both our kids were unexpected C-sections (slow labour and 'fetal distress'), so a lot of the birth-related info wasn't directly relevant, but it's knowing that you know something at all that we found helpful. And while putting a diaper/clothes on a baby-sized doll is not the same as putting them on a real baby, it's still a lot closer than not having done it at all.
Book tips: "The Happiest Baby On The Block" (the 5 S's that Spiritfire mentions) has tips that worked for us both times, though ymmv, of course.
Breastfeeding. We were able to breastfeed exclusively for both our daughters. Breastmilk is best for a baby, and the mother should do it if she can. BUT, as others have said, sometimes that doesn't work out. Feeding your baby formula is not bad parenting. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. If you need to use formula, use it. You are not hurting anyone. You are not failing. You're doing what you have to do to make sure your baby is healthy, and that is good parenting. Many, many babies were raised on formula and they're doing just fine.
Free time. Yeah, that changes. There will be less of it, or possibly more of it, depending on how your family dynamics change. In any case, it will be different. You might have a lot of hours sitting around with a sleeping baby and nothing else to do, so there's some good gaming/reading/movie time. You might have a crazy schedule and barely get an hour in on any given day. Every kid is different and you'll just have to find a way to adjust. It's not really that hard. Priorities tend to shift a lot anyway.
Scheduling. For the love of your sanity, if you can, schedule your baby. For the first month or two (the fourth trimester) you should be taking cues from your baby as far as sleeping and eating go. Slowly though, you'll be able to start directing things. You can start setting a schedule for when the baby gets to eat, when it needs to go to sleep, when it needs to wake up, all that stuff. You might feel like you're being mean to your baby, but I can assure you that is not the case. We scheduled both our daughters and it was immensely helpful for us and them. Scheduling could probably be a whole thread of its own, so I'll just say to find a book or method that you're comfortable with and use it.
Alright, on to the second baby.
Infant #2: Since we had delivered Adelaide via c-section, the default option for our second baby was also a c-section. We probably could have found a doctor to do a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean), but given our last experience we opted for the routine, scheduled, by-the-book c-section. When the day finally arrived for Isabelle to be born we took Adelaide to stay with her grandparents, drove to the hospital, got prepped for surgery, and went in. Thankfully I was able to be in the room this time. My wife's anesthesia worked normally, and the surgery went smoothly. It was still nerve-wracking as all hell and I was still a crying mess when Isabelle was born, but at least I wasn't terrified.
Unfortunately we were at a hospital this time, because we had different insurance and couldn't afford to have the baby at the maternity center again. Hospitals have a lot of rules and regulations, and we didn't like most of them. It seemed like they were trying their hardest to keep the baby separate from us, a concept which we fought against at every turn. We had to put our feet down repeatedly for what seemed like the most basic things. "No, the baby will sleep in bed with the mother." "No, I can hold her while standing up." "No, I will be going with her when you do that test." "No, you cannot have her." "No, you can do that while I'm holding her." "NO, you WILL do that while she's holding her. NO, do that while she's holding her or get out."
It was enough to make us want to leave early, but eventually things got more comfortable. I don't remember now if we got a different nurse or if they finally got the idea that we could handle our own child, but we decided to stay for the full recovery time allowed. My wife was having a harder time recovering from this surgery anyway. I will say that like children, every hospital is different. Our hospital experience might not be yours. Just remember that you have rights, and that it's YOUR baby.
Adelaide visited us at least once a day while we were there, and she was really great with her little sister. She was excited, loving, and as gentle as a two-year-old could be expected to be. She missed us and missed being at home, but she loves being with grandma and papa so it wasn't particularly hard for her. Once we got home, things changed a little. Adelaide would get jealous, but not unreasonably so. She regressed a little with her potty training, which was expected, but it wasn't hard to correct. We just had to keep on her and not allow her to go back, and she pulled through it.
Isabelle was also an easy baby, more or less. In some ways she was able to self-soothe much easier, but she was also more fussy. I'm not afraid to admit that I got much more frustrated with Isabelle as an infant than I ever did with Adelaide. I had a harder time bonding with her than I did before, and that's something that has lingered (though to a much smaller degree) to this day. Don't get me wrong, I still love Isabelle more than the world, but for some reason it was just harder with her.
In pretty much all cases, Isabelle progressed faster than Adelaide. I think this is a combination of a lot of things, like being a different kid, having more confident parents, and having a big sister. Whatever it was, it meant she slept through the night sooner, took to a schedule easier, and so on.
One of the harder things about having two kids was the way it affected my relationship with Adelaide. With her being jealous and wanting mommy's attention more, she started wanting less to do with me. My wife typically handled putting Adelaide to bed, and I would come in and give her a kiss goodnight when it was time to turn off the lights. What we realized though is that Adelaide would only let my wife put her to bed, and this was something that we didn't want to happen. I wanted Adelaide to be able to accept these sorts of things from either of us.
So, for the next week or so, I did bedtime. This meant that I waited 15 minutes for Adelaide to finish throwing her fit before brushing her teeth. This meant that I put Adelaide in her bed while she screamed and kicked and cried for her mom. This meant that I left and let her throw a fit, then came back ten minutes later to put her back in bed and give her a kiss while she continued to scream and cry for her mom. This was hard. This was REALLY hard. Not only was it frustrating, not only did it make me angry sometimes, but it hurt. I didn't want to, but I pushed through it because it had to be done. I cried sometimes. I yelled back once or twice. But the majority of the time I was gentle, loving, and patient. I was a father, whether it was fun or not. It took a full week of this, but finally she got the idea that I wasn't going away, that I loved her, and that mommy loved her too. We've been able to switch off on bedtimes without issue ever since.
Meanwhile, we still had Isabelle to contend with. Having a toddler and an infant at the same time is not easy. Isabelle was a much more active baby than Adelaide was, and she needed constant attention. Adelaide wanted to treat her like a doll, more or less, so play between the two of them was difficult at best. I honestly don't know how single parents do it, other than just the general knowledge that when it comes to your kids, you do what you have to do, whether you "can" or not.
Another fun consequence of having two kids was the lack of sex. Did I say fun? I meant horrible. After Adelaide, it didn't take that long to get back to a normal sex life. Once my wife was healed from the surgery we were able to get back to it. It was different after Isabelle, though. The recovery took longer, the scar from the second c-section was different and left my wife with body-image issues, and we were more tired and stressed out than before. Later, some friends of ours lost their baby to complications from CDH (look it up) when it was only a month old, and that devastated my wife emotionally. Around the same time I had also gotten a vasectomy. On top of all that, we were also buying a house. The result was that it took us a year or more to get back to a regular sex life. That was a very hard year.
Because of those experiences, I will offer some advice: marriage counseling. See a professional counselor if you can. We had decided to start seeing one before having Adelaide, and we were seeing one on and off after she was born. We didn't feel like our marriage was in danger when we started, but we felt like it could be better, and we wanted to be strong when we decided to bring a child into the equation. The tools we gained from going to counseling were of immense value, and probably saved our marriage. We don't see a counselor anymore, but we still use what we learned and because of it we have a marriage that makes me proud.
Anyway, now we have two toddlers. Oh lordy that's going to be a post.
Also everybody's kids sound adorable. Anyone who wants to post pictures is welcome to do so, and that is half-invitation and half-request.
Kinder photo:
Steam: Chaos Introvert | Twitch.tv: Chaos_Introvert | R*SC: Chaos_Introvert | PSN: testsubject23
But let's talk about challenging first. The thing about two toddlers is that they both want everything all the time. By everything I don't mean "a lot of things" (although that's also true) but rather "100% of whatever there is". If there are toys, they both want all of them. If there is attention, they both want all of it. So they fight over things a lot. They fight over people a lot. Basically they fight a lot. Not hitting each other (much), because they both know that hitting is not allowed. Really their fights are just screaming at each other, crying, pulling, grabbing, and other monstrous little things that can make you want to destroy what ever it is they're fighting over right in front of them so that they can see what their obnoxiousness has wrought. I'm exaggerating a little, but their fights really do get annoying.
This brings me to my next piece of advice: it's not your problem. You can help mediate, you can help establish the rules and boundaries in your house, but there is a cut off point at which the children need to figure it out for themselves. They're not being bad kids when they fight with each other. What you are seeing there is brain development, not a failure of parenting. At 4 years old, Adelaide's brain is only just now getting to the point where she can really understand and feel empathy. At 2 years old, Isabelle literally does not have the ability to understand how her actions might make another person feel. They fight because they don't yet understand that they don't have to.
That also transitions neatly into the next little thing: you are raising adults, not kids. They're already kids, but they need your help to grow up. Your job is to help them understand how the world works and how a healthy person thinks. When they get to this age, it's really helpful to say things like "It's cold outside, so I'm going to put on my jacket." or "It makes me sad when you do that." or "I really feel good when I clean up after myself." Obviously this is not for your benefit, but for theirs. It shows them that an adult thinks about the things they're doing, adults value their feelings, and adults take care of themselves.
It's also great to ask them as many questions as you can. You know the old cliche about kids constantly asking why? This is a real thing, but "why" isn't the only question. Try to remember that in a lot of cases, this is the first time the child has ever experienced whatever it is they're asking about. They're asking why they have to brush their teeth because they genuinely don't know why. They're asking why you pee standing up because they have never seen a person do that before. They ask what happened to that person in a wheelchair because they've never seen a wheelchair before. This natural curiosity and need to understand is why it's so great to ask them questions. "How did it feel when you did that?" "What made you want to wear that shirt?" "Do you like what you did?" "How do you think that made me feel?" "What do you want to do next time?" "Do you want the green cup or the orange cup? Why?" Keep them thinking. Keep them conscious of what they're doing.
Anyway, back to challenging. I could talk about the time I spent a good twenty minutes locked in an airplane bathroom with a screaming daughter who was yelling the most hurtful things her toddler brain could come up with (which amounted to "I don't like you" and "I don't want to be with you") because she was being disobedient on the plane while others were trying to sleep, but that's not much of a story. I held her and stayed calm while she got out her fit, then she went and sat with mommy for the rest of the flight.
Instead I'm going to talk about potty training Isabelle, which was a really interesting challenge. We were prepared for a couple of hard days like we had had with Adelaide, but we also thought things would be a little different this time because Adelaide would be able to help. It turns out that was not the case. When it actually came time for potty training, Adelaide got intensely jealous of the fact that both of her parents were focused on Isabelle 100% of the time. So Adelaide got really disruptive and overbearing, and made it really hard for any of us to focus on potty training, especially Isabelle. My wife was getting really frustrated, so we had to come up with a new plan. The next day, we decided that my wife would take Adelaide and be with her all day, whether that was upstairs, or outside, or whatever, while I would spend the day focused on Isabelle and the potty.
The change was remarkable. Adelaide wasn't jealous anymore, Isabelle wasn't distracted anymore, and no one was stressed anymore. But that wasn't the end of it. When Adelaide was potty training, her first experience was peeing her pants in the kitchen then immediately slipping on the puddle and falling on the floor. From that moment on she hated peeing her pants, so she was well motivated to get this whole potty thing figured out. Isabelle didn't have an experience like that. She didn't really care if she got wet, so we had to figure out another motivation. Thankfully, she cared immensely about being able to wear big-girl undies. So when we told her that she didn't get to put on a new pair of undies until she put pee pee in the potty, she flipped out. She cried, and screamed, and hit herself (this was a thing she did, I don't know why, I think she thought it hurt us, she stopped when she figured out that it didn't), and then she put pee pee in the potty. It was hard to hide the smug satisfaction on our faces. After a few days she was using the potty like a champ.
Since then, our biggest challenge has been just trying to keep up with them. Adelaide is in preschool now, Isabelle is in toddler gymnastics (if you could call it that), and they're both growing up incredibly fast. Their brains are constantly requiring new and different limits to grow against, new stimulation to grow from, and new goals to grow toward. It feels like some kind of crazy arms race, and they always seem to be just ahead of us.
I will say that I have no doubts about how lucky I am to have the kids I do. They're really great kids, and I'm immensely grateful for that. They're loving, helpful, earnest, everything you would want a kid to be. They're also infuriating, confusing, frustrating, tiring, emotionally draining, and expensive.
But it's all worth it, because even though there are fits, even though I've had to clean up a lot of, well, everything, even though I've been hit, screamed at, and kicked in the face, I get my girls. I love my daughters more than I've ever loved anything else in the world. Being a dad is hard, but it's awesome, because my hard work has gotten me this:
best 13 months evah
1) Hormones are very real. They affect every woman very differently, but they can have some crazy effects from simple things like your pregnant wife having unprecedented domestic interests to severe post-partum depression. Be prepared to be patient not just with your baby, but with your SO's situation whichever way it may swing, and remember that it will pass.
2) Newborns can sometimes be very difficult. There's a different curve with every kid, but newborns can sometimes just be damn near inconsolable for very little reason. This tends to peak around 6 weeks old. Your sleep may be minimal, and your nerves may be frayed. You may be downright resentful of a truly colicky baby. My mother actually said this to my wife and I: "You may get to a point where you feel like you want to kill your child. It's okay to feel that way. You will not harm your child. It will pass." It's okay to be frustrated and resentful of the stress. Things will change and your kid will sleep and you will find the delight in being a parent as they grow and change and amaze you every day.
3) Do what is right for your own family. Everyone with kids or cousins or younger siblings has advice for you. Ideas and suggestions from experienced parents are great, BUT don't do anything that doesn't feel right to you and your SO. Do what works for you. It's your family, and the best decisions is the one that fits your own lifestyle, values and needs. You don't have to feel defensive or inadequate. You're not a bad parent if you sleep train or co-sleep, breast feed for 5 years or bottle feed from day one. Your style and family are your own, and the sooner you accept that, the happier all three of you will be. Trust yourself and your partner to make the best decisions for yourselves and your child.
4) The one exception to #3 - Read to your child. Read to your kid every day. Make it a habit. Gets LOTS of books because you'll get pretty bored reading the same 8 stories over and over again. Reading to a child is just so permanently impactful educationally. It's not to be taken lightly, even as fun as it is.
5) You can't plan on what it will be like, you can only expect everything to change. No matter how prepared you are, it's a major major adjustment to everything about your life. You have to accept a lot of "loss of control" over your life for a while, while all your new routines and priorities develop. Expect a lot of trial and error and surprises.
Lastly, enjoy the ride, man. It's really so much fun. My son is a toddler now, and his power to make my wife and I smile and laugh are endless. It's amazing.