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Break up, Depression, Anxiety, Therapy, Anti-depressants, and more!
Jinn
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My girlfriend broke up with me and left me homeless yesterday. Part of the issue was my personal problems with greif, depression, and anxiety. I've been going to a psychologist and taking some anti-anxiety meds for the past few months, but outside of that her approach to the relationship was to try to 'fix me.' I told her time and time and I don't need or want you to fix me, I just need your love and understanding while I try to better myself. This whole thing has kind of been beneath the surface for a while and it came out yesterday and she confessed that yes she was basically trying to change me, waiting for some magical combination of acts and gestures on her end to remake me into a different person. This obviously doesn't seem to leave much room for working things out-- and I am devastated. I expected to marry this girl, despite our problems and differences, from my perspective it was never anything deal-breaking.
Now, I've scheduled a session with my psychologist for tomorrow afternoon, and I got my psychiatrist to up my dosage of anxiety meds for the short term because I had a meltdown that caused me to injure myself and damage the property of my (thankfully very understanding) friend. I've only had one session with the psychiatrist, and I wasn't a big fan of him. He was really old and I felt like he cherry picked a few of my comment and drew some broad conclusions-- but what do I know, I'm the fucked up one here. I like the psychologist a bit better, but I'm kind of starting to feel his approach just isn't right for me. I've been paying for this out of pocket because I have no health insurance, only modest savings and the charity of my grandparents. I don't know how or where to begin considering finding new doctors.
All this is getting at is the anti-depressants. The psychiatrist wants to put me on some, but frankly I'm scared. It's partially my general anxiety I think but more so a fear of the litany of potential adverse side-effects I keep reading about. I actually don't know anyone in real life that has experience with this sort of thing, which is why I'm here. I know this forum has a history of strongly advocating therapy and medication to deal with this kind of stuff, so I guess what I'm looking for is personal testimonies or anecdotes or anything that might make me feel a little better about trying out the anti-depressants.
I'm sure I've left out some pertinent info because it would take days to type up all the contributing factors here, but to summarize briefly as possible-- I am 26, unemployed, uninsured, newly homeless, my mother died 8 years ago from this Friday the 16, which was 8 days after my 18 birthday. I'm estranged from my father and have no real support structure beyond my grandparents (who mean well but are old and a bit out of touch) and one close friend in the area. I have a useless college degree albeit from a well-respected state institution. I have no prospects for the future right now including income and housing. I've never felt so lost in my entire life. I feel like I'm rapidly approaching the end of my rope, and I'm bloody terrified.
Any words of encouragement would be hugely helpful. Sorry if this reads poorly, I basically stream-of-conscious'd it, because I'm a fucking pathetic wreck right now.
Thank you in advance for help/advice.
Now, I've scheduled a session with my psychologist for tomorrow afternoon, and I got my psychiatrist to up my dosage of anxiety meds for the short term because I had a meltdown that caused me to injure myself and damage the property of my (thankfully very understanding) friend. I've only had one session with the psychiatrist, and I wasn't a big fan of him. He was really old and I felt like he cherry picked a few of my comment and drew some broad conclusions-- but what do I know, I'm the fucked up one here. I like the psychologist a bit better, but I'm kind of starting to feel his approach just isn't right for me. I've been paying for this out of pocket because I have no health insurance, only modest savings and the charity of my grandparents. I don't know how or where to begin considering finding new doctors.
All this is getting at is the anti-depressants. The psychiatrist wants to put me on some, but frankly I'm scared. It's partially my general anxiety I think but more so a fear of the litany of potential adverse side-effects I keep reading about. I actually don't know anyone in real life that has experience with this sort of thing, which is why I'm here. I know this forum has a history of strongly advocating therapy and medication to deal with this kind of stuff, so I guess what I'm looking for is personal testimonies or anecdotes or anything that might make me feel a little better about trying out the anti-depressants.
I'm sure I've left out some pertinent info because it would take days to type up all the contributing factors here, but to summarize briefly as possible-- I am 26, unemployed, uninsured, newly homeless, my mother died 8 years ago from this Friday the 16, which was 8 days after my 18 birthday. I'm estranged from my father and have no real support structure beyond my grandparents (who mean well but are old and a bit out of touch) and one close friend in the area. I have a useless college degree albeit from a well-respected state institution. I have no prospects for the future right now including income and housing. I've never felt so lost in my entire life. I feel like I'm rapidly approaching the end of my rope, and I'm bloody terrified.
Any words of encouragement would be hugely helpful. Sorry if this reads poorly, I basically stream-of-conscious'd it, because I'm a fucking pathetic wreck right now.
Thank you in advance for help/advice.
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As far as anxiety/depression medication I can give some anecdotal information on it.
I currently take 40mg of Celexa per day, i've been on this medication for a year. The only lingering side-effect has been a drowsiness at times, caffine doesn't help. Taking a nap before going out to see friends or something does.
The positive effects have greatly outweighed the drowsiness. I have started doing several things I wanted to do for years that I wasn't able to before. I have been seeing friends/family more regularly instead of every few months. And if I start getting into a negative thinking loop I can for the most part talk myself out if it in a matter of minutes instead of being stuck for an hour or two.
I just started taking Busiprone for social anxiety. Which will hopefully help me breath and not start shaking when I go to social events with new people.
Any SSRI's take weeks to kick in, keep that in mind. I do not know what you are taking for anxiety right now but anti-depressants might take a while.
You are already seeking help which is great. Keep going day by day.
Steam/PSN/XBL/Minecraft / LoL / - Benevicious | WoW - Duckwood - Rajhek
I was off depressants for years, until my senior year of college, where a lot of unfortunate things happened very quickly and I fell down the "depression chasm" again. For some reason, during that time, I felt slightly nauseous when I first started back on them (not an effect I'd ever experienced before, when even taking a higher dosage), but I lowered the dose very slightly and was then okay. As has been mentioned, it will take a little while for the meds to build up in your system and actually be effective - so just try to be aware of that. Likewise, if you feel like you can stop taking them, try to wean yourself off of them slowly rather than going cold turkey.
During the times I'd been on antidepressants, I never gained/lost weight, or had any of the other side effects I'd heard about. If you start to get bad side effects, that doesn't mean you necessarily have to live with them. You can always try a different kind of medication, or lower your dosage, or whathaveyou (based on what your psychiatrist recommends).
It can be kind of scary at first to start on antidepressants, but they can also help you out a ton. Definitely worth a shot if you feel it will help you!
As for therapy you should probably keep at it, although possibly with a different guy. It doesn't sound like you feel like you're getting what you could out of it; that's not necessarily a reflection on you OR your therapist, just sometimes people don't mesh. It's okay to shop around here, too.
One of the things that was so hard for me to overcome each and every previous time I decided to go back on the medication was the feeling that this means that I can't do it by myself: that my physiology is not good enough to solve my own problems. Maybe it never would be, and then I would never be able to be as good as other people on my own. Of course that begins with the assumption that I'm not as good as other people to start with, and it took me a really long time to figure out that that's not helping anything, or making me or any other people feel better.
And I say "each and every previous time" because last time was the last one. The very second I've decided I'm done breastfeeding I will be back on that stuff so fast. I'm done worrying about it because I know my life is just better on it than off it. I'm a more pleasant person to be around, but more importantly, I'm a more pleasant person to be.
I don't have any personal experience with antidepressants, but I want to weigh in on this part. I know you feel like your degree is "useless", but the thing is, you HAVE a degree. As useless as your specific degree might be, keep in mind that just having a degree-- any degree-- will by default put you ahead of anybody who applies for the same job without a degree. Aside from the fact that people really like those pieces of paper, having a degree shows a certain level of dedication at least. So you're not quite as bad off as you feel in that regard!
Edit: I will also add: definitely shop around if you don't feel like you're getting anything out of your current professionals. Like Ceres said, sometimes people just aren't good fits. Hell, shop around with medicine too, but only once you've given it enough time to work. There's a reason there's a variety of medication out there.
You have literally nothing to lose by going on them. If you try one and it doesn't help, or the side effects are bad, you can stop. You have total control over what medication you take and don't, simply trying medication for your depression is not an irrevocable decision. You aren't contemplating amputating a limb here :P
Furthermore it sounds like you expect a therapist to identify what your problem is so you can work at it but no one except you can do that.
Therapists are more like interactive mirrors. They're unlikely to be the source of anything.
Regardless of how you choose to proceed with your help, I wish you all the best. There are no guarantees or tips to get you out of this horrible hole you're in.
It's taken me a decade to figure out why I've always run into the same problematic situations over and over. I know other people that have sorted it out in a year or two.
Just persevere.
I have to assume different psychologists have different approaches things like this... would that be a fair assumption? Is it reasonable to assume that some other doctor would place slightly more emphasis on continuity between sessions? Does this even make any sense?
I was the same as you when it came to drugs as a treatment option. My therapist very gently prodded me for over a year to try it. I'm not going to tell you being on drugs is all rainbows and puppydogs either, as there are always costs involved, be they side effects or whatever.
Specifically I take a dose that, much like Ceres explained, allows me to function; to deal with my stress, anxiety, depression in a much more tangible, productive manner. I can actually see my bad behavior, or see myself getting overly anxious for no good reason, and I can deal with it. The biggest side effect issue is that my medication just eradicates my libido. Which for a long time didn't matter anyway since I wasn't really in any shape to be dating.
From my own experience, I now feel that medication is an invaluable tool in treating depression and anxiety. But you have to keep in mind it isn't going to solve everything for you, but it will give you the breathing room to do that for yourself.
As to this:
Just breathe dude. Just breathe. I know all to well the habit of lumping every bad thing into one giant pile of sad, but you absolutely do not have to solve everything today, or tomorrow, or ever. You're a human being, and allowed to not be perfect. Concentrate on what you can do, don't get lost in the big picture. A big help in dealing with these kind of issues is the idea of momentum. Once you get the ball rolling, it tends to keep rolling. Start small, pick a small task and do it, then another. As cheesy as it sounds, channel "What about Bob" Baby steps dude.
Take the medicine.
There will be side effects - you will have to deal with them, and perhaps change medications until you're stable.
Take them anyway.
You were already semi-unstable and now have emotional trauma from a breakup.
You have demonstrated that in this state you are capable of hurting yourself, and someone else (via their property).
You are one bad decision away from jail or worse.
Take the medicine.
As far as shopping around doctors-- any advice on how to go about that? I have no health insurance. My grandparents are willing to help me out financially for right now until I get back on my feet, but burdening them just adds to my stress and anxiety. I can't really afford a bunch of $200/hr psychiatrist visits. Thoughts? I'm totally lost here. Prior to my initial contact with these two doctors, I had not seen any sort of medical professional aside from a dentist in 6+ years.
I may need a splinter thread for the break up part of all this because its not really been so cut and dry and I'm really struggling to process all that on top of the 'bigger picture' type things like job, money, and a roof over my head. I have an appointment with my psychologist in a couple hours. I'll be back after that.
Thanks again guys.
Does your psychiatrist have a sliding scale dependent on income?
Also, regarding therapists, there are certainly good/bad ones out there. I also think a lot of people have differing expectations for what therapy will do for them. The most realistic goals you can have are to have a therapist that will listen to you and provide you with tools to deal with your problems. If they are a good therapist it will be a collaborative process, and it will be suited to you and your personality.
If you feel like half your session is spent talking about every day things, perhaps you need a half hour of chit chat to open up to start talking about bigger things. If you want to get right into it, feel free to take more control of the situation, it's your session. Certainly get your money's worth. If you and your therapist haven't already, come up with a list of things you would like to achieve in therapy, or skills you would like help with.
Recognize that It is one support among many. Having other people in your life to listen and help you is a big part as well. Therapy is easy in that you pay for it, and someone agrees to listen and help you for an hour, and they don't judge you. It's hard to find people that will accept us, listen to us, and help us without paying for it. Those people are essential in our lives. Physical activity, hobbies, creating structure (make a schedule), and a health diet will all help.
As far as I know from other people who take them, and what my doctor explained to me, it varies from person to person. You won't know until you try. Effectively I worked with my doctor to meet a dose that helped me deal with my issues, but didn't totally wreck my sex life later on when I had a girlfriend. I've been on medication for almost a year now, and the sexual side effects have never totally went away. Basically you deal with it, and if it stays a problem, you find some other avenue of treatment. Right now the benefits outweigh the drawbacks for me. I should also note it didn't outright kill my sex drive for good, it just changed it, which could be jarring at first.
Edit: Oh, and if I go off my medication, the sex drive goes right back to what it was before I was on meds, and if anything, is briefly amplified.
My current medication is Sertraline, and I was briefly on lexapro, I experienced similar side effects from both.
I have anxiety and attention issues that are exacerbated by the lack of sunlight in winter months, and have been on bupropion for about eight months. Bupropion is not an SSRI, it's an SNRI and have a different set of side effects, but for many people they see an increase in libido. I know I did, but I mostly attribute that with a) other hormonal changes going on at the same time and b) my brain finally allowing me to do things that make me healthier and happier.
But yeah, don't just think oh my god my boner, there's a plethora of different medications out there, one or more of which will help you with minimal, acceptable, or maybe no side effects at all.
So seriously, take the medication, it helps. It doesn't necessarily fix anything, but it makes the problems small doable hills rather than insurmountable mountains covered in rabid dragons.
Hear hear! I think I ended up finally connecting with the 4th therapist I tried to see (over a few years, but for essentially the same issues), it's just a matter of finding someone who listens in the way you need, and is willing to push you just enough. Because every person is different, every therapists approach will have varying results for you. I'm afraid I have no tips on shopping around though, I live in Canuckia, though the last gent I ended up connecting with was recommended by family to me
Anyway, had a really good session with my therapist today. He was able to provide a much different and beneficial perspective on things than the few friends and family I'd been talking to. He actually encouraged me to meet face to face with my (ex)girlfriend tonight and attempt a calm discussion. I did so, and I think mostly held up my end of the bargain in terms of staying calm and not becoming angry. She got rather angry a few times but nothing catastrophic. My therapist invited me to bring her along for a joint session in the near future, and although my conversation with her really didn't get us anywhere, she did leave it with "let me know when the doc can see us." I think that's encouraging. I'm not totally convinced trying to repair the relationship is even feasible, but I do love and care for this girl and I know her well enough to know that she could benefit from meeting with a psychologist... she has an assortment of her own issues that need dealt with but is generally repulsed by the idea of therapy because of bad experiences during adolescence (to which I can relate... took me over 8 years to acknowledge that I needed help). So we'll see, even if all I manage is getting her in the room with the psychologist, I feel like it would be a positive thing for her, and something that I could at least feel a little bit better about amongst all the pain and guilt of the break up and whatnot.
As for the medication, I think I will probably end up giving it a shot, but I'm going to try getting in some good regular exercise for more than a few days to see if maybe that could be a viable alternative.
This was recent, yes? That you damaged your stated very understanding friend's property? You have worse problems than whether or not you are going to be DTF tomorrow. It's better to direct at objects than people but unless they are your own objects it's still pretty reprehensible.
We've talked about medicine and the first thing you latched onto was that it might affect your dick.
Your priorities are suspect.
Are you getting better so you don't feel like shit anymore, or are you getting better so that another chick won't break up with you?
I'm glad you are seeing a therapist and I'm glad you're keeping your anger in check.
But I think that you need to start taking this seriously and asking yourself what you really want out of the therapy sessions.
I'm also just so used to feeling like shit, it's hard to believe there's actually any alternative.
The good news is that there IS an alternative and things do get better. Keep your chin up, the bullshit in check, and your feet moving forward.
You'll come out the other end and feel like its a whole new world.
Anyway, kudos for having a good session, and double kudos for dealing with your SO, I'm sure that was difficult.
Regular exercise is also a big deal for the endorphin boost it gives you.
The thing about therapists is that for the first two or three sessions they're really still trying to diagnose you. Chances are you'll end up going through a cognitive-behavioural therapy process with the therapist which is a fairly rote process of finding out exactly what thought processes are the source of your depression, determining in what ways they are irrational (and they usually are) and confronting those thoughts whenever they come up. There is a fair amount of homework involved. It is, however, extremely effective at dealing with the issues that you feel are more personal.
I can tell you that everything will get better, but that'll take time. Hell, I've spent the last three weeks trying to win my ex back to no avail, so maybe I'm nowhere near qualified to be saying something like that. But, realistically, things don't get better until we decide we want them to. You're putting yourself in a good place by seeing your shrink and taking your medicine, keep it up. Try finding something you're interested in and do it, even if you have zero proficiency in that subject, get into it to and be fanatic about it, the skill will develop if you stick with it. Find your outlet.
When it comes to anxiety, depression, and anger, I've had to learn to deal with it in my own way because I never liked the way meds made me feel. Being chemically unbalanced I'm a little more eccentric than most, and I like that about myself, I think it's just swell. But something that does work for me is when I begin to feel the littlest bit of one of those emotions coming on, I analyze it, kind of coach myself through it; Why am I feeling [emotion]? Is the reason really impacting me significantly in the long run or is this a short-term burst of extremism? What could the consequences be if I let [emotion] control my actions? And it does help to settle my mind when I explore the possible options and outcomes. Look before you leap.
Keep on keepin' on man. Strive to be the best that YOU can be, and bear in mind that hard work and determination will get you where you want to be. Good things don't come easy and progress can be a slow process, but as long as you keep on walking you'll get to where you wanna be eventually.
I had a unexpectedly candid conversation with a friend that has been on Zoloft for a few months and while his endorsement wasn't exactly as enthusiastic as some on here, it still made me feel a little better about at least giving it a try. He also invited me to a workout session with his trainer, which I know is going to be good for me. I'm guilty of doing the whole work out for 3 weeks and then forget about thing repeatedly since like... forever. I really need a trainer or some kind of external accountability I think, so this is at least something for me to look forward to next week.
On another note, does anyone have any experience with meditation? After discussing my reservations about anti-depressants with my therapist he's decided to begin training me in a form of transcendental meditation. I'm very interested in this approach and would love to hear about anyone else's experiences.
It sounds like you're on the right track here, espcially in knowing your limitations and knowing what you think you really need. Some people look for the cure-all, but you know that isn't a real thing. It sounds like you're going to keep at it until you find that thing for you.
You're in a bad spot, but you're smart, self aware and have good friends. In the grand scheme of things, you're doing just fine. Good work, and good luck.