Being okay with lack of sexual history

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  • Totes an altTotes an alt Registered User regular

    Inx wrote: »
    Okay, so a ton of the advice here is already what I would have said, but I'd like to put in my two cents anyway.

    Insecurity is clearly an issue. Insecurity is also something I'm intimately familiar with, as it nearly lost me my current relationship a few months ago. I ended up in therapy and it's worked WONDERS.

    Anyway, I can actually kind of relate to your boyfriend - not so much on a sexual level, but on a 'lack of a certain kind of experience' level. My current girlfriend is really well-traveled, and has done a lot of really interesting things, as are a number of my friends. Me? I spend most of my time in front of a computer or television screen, and the last adventure I had was when I was maybe 13, climbing a dead tree to try and get to a jury-rigged zipline that a friend had put up (and ended up falling from that tree). So, anytime people end up discussing things like that, I usually only have the same one or two stories, all of them either really old, or not really related (I try to work in my medical history, to mixed results). For a long time, this bothered the fuck out of me. I had wasted my life on fictional adventures while all of the people around me were out having real ones. I wanted to think of myself as the "hero", but I had turned out not even as the "sidekick". I was just the "citizen". When these things came up, I felt really, really worthless.

    After a month or so of weekly therapy, it came down to a number of personal insecurity issues that I've started to work through. I still have time to forge new adventures, and that's great. This, however, is where the two stories digress.

    I don't think the solution lies in bringing in another woman to sex your boyfriend. It's treating a symptom, rather than a cause. It might work for a little while, like aspirin for a broken leg, but eventually that leg is gonna get worse and worse until it completely breaks down on you. He needs to focus on what he's got, not what he could have had, or what he might have one day if things would only work out the way I want them to. My therapist would probably tell him to avoid the word "should", as in "I should have had sex with more people" and "I should have more to contribute during sexy story time", and the phrase "what if", as in "What if we can't find another girl within x amount of time?" and "what if my lack of experience actually bothers her more than she says?" I'm not a liscensed therapist, but I would bet every dollar I have that those things are going through his mind.

    Insecurity is a parasite. It will turn even the most reasonable person into a shivering ball of doubt. I HAVE sexual experience, and for a long time I doubted my performance, my size, everything about my sex life, no matter how much my girlfriend told me different. I couldn't trust anyone, because I didn't believe in myself at all.

    I say this a lot, but therapy really might be a good decision in this case. It's not magic - psychologists aren't wizards - but if he's open to the idea, or hell, you could both go in for sessions together to aid your communication, then it really might start to heal the real issue. Might be that he's like me - I need fairly constant therapy (at least right now), or I start to go a little nutty again - or it might be that he has some kind of breakthrough and the world's his damn oyster. Either way, best to get at the root of this weed before it wrecks the whole garden.

    This is great, thank you. I've thought for other reasons that he should get into therapy for a while, I don't know why I never thought to link it to this. I've suggested it before but he always says he saw a therapist as a child and it didn't really help him at all so he's kind of off that idea. Is there anything you think I could say to change his mind? It's been a while and if he takes the time to find the right one I agree that it could really help him if he lets it. Talking about his problems isn't really his strength, I have to work like crazy to get anything out of him so how much luck would a stranger, even if he is a trained therapist, have?

    It's also funny that you should mention the travel thing because that is something he has done a lot of and I have brought up in the past that I think the 6 months he spent in southeast Asia (among many other awesome trips he's been on) are probably a lot more valuable and interesting than anything I've ever done. I try to stress that we've had very different life experiences and he's got a lot for me to be jealous of - I've barely ever left Canada and never left North America.

  • Totes an altTotes an alt Registered User regular

    Inx wrote: »
    Okay, so a ton of the advice here is already what I would have said, but I'd like to put in my two cents anyway.

    Insecurity is clearly an issue. Insecurity is also something I'm intimately familiar with, as it nearly lost me my current relationship a few months ago. I ended up in therapy and it's worked WONDERS.

    Anyway, I can actually kind of relate to your boyfriend - not so much on a sexual level, but on a 'lack of a certain kind of experience' level. My current girlfriend is really well-traveled, and has done a lot of really interesting things, as are a number of my friends. Me? I spend most of my time in front of a computer or television screen, and the last adventure I had was when I was maybe 13, climbing a dead tree to try and get to a jury-rigged zipline that a friend had put up (and ended up falling from that tree). So, anytime people end up discussing things like that, I usually only have the same one or two stories, all of them either really old, or not really related (I try to work in my medical history, to mixed results). For a long time, this bothered the fuck out of me. I had wasted my life on fictional adventures while all of the people around me were out having real ones. I wanted to think of myself as the "hero", but I had turned out not even as the "sidekick". I was just the "citizen". When these things came up, I felt really, really worthless.

    After a month or so of weekly therapy, it came down to a number of personal insecurity issues that I've started to work through. I still have time to forge new adventures, and that's great. This, however, is where the two stories digress.

    I don't think the solution lies in bringing in another woman to sex your boyfriend. It's treating a symptom, rather than a cause. It might work for a little while, like aspirin for a broken leg, but eventually that leg is gonna get worse and worse until it completely breaks down on you. He needs to focus on what he's got, not what he could have had, or what he might have one day if things would only work out the way I want them to. My therapist would probably tell him to avoid the word "should", as in "I should have had sex with more people" and "I should have more to contribute during sexy story time", and the phrase "what if", as in "What if we can't find another girl within x amount of time?" and "what if my lack of experience actually bothers her more than she says?" I'm not a liscensed therapist, but I would bet every dollar I have that those things are going through his mind.

    Insecurity is a parasite. It will turn even the most reasonable person into a shivering ball of doubt. I HAVE sexual experience, and for a long time I doubted my performance, my size, everything about my sex life, no matter how much my girlfriend told me different. I couldn't trust anyone, because I didn't believe in myself at all.

    I say this a lot, but therapy really might be a good decision in this case. It's not magic - psychologists aren't wizards - but if he's open to the idea, or hell, you could both go in for sessions together to aid your communication, then it really might start to heal the real issue. Might be that he's like me - I need fairly constant therapy (at least right now), or I start to go a little nutty again - or it might be that he has some kind of breakthrough and the world's his damn oyster. Either way, best to get at the root of this weed before it wrecks the whole garden.

    This is great, thank you. I've thought for other reasons that he should get into therapy for a while, I don't know why I never thought to link it to this. I've suggested it before but he always says he saw a therapist as a child and it didn't really help him at all so he's kind of off that idea. Is there anything you think I could say to change his mind? It's been a while and if he takes the time to find the right one I agree that it could really help him if he lets it. Talking about his problems isn't really his strength, I have to work like crazy to get anything out of him so how much luck would a stranger, even if he is a trained therapist, have?

    It's also funny that you should mention the travel thing because that is something he has done a lot of and I have brought up in the past that I think the 6 months he spent in southeast Asia (among many other awesome trips he's been on) are probably a lot more valuable and interesting than anything I've ever done. I try to stress that we've had very different life experiences and he's got a lot for me to be jealous of - I've barely ever left Canada and never left North America.

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