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Clingy/Controlling girlfriend

12467

Posts

  • finralfinral Registered User regular
    OP: You have done nothing wrong! You haven't brought this on yourself and none of the behavior you have described should trigger this kind of behavior in a healthy relationship. Virtually every person that has responded in this post (with a couple kind of exceptions) has given advice saying that you are not in a healthy relationship and that you need to break up with her. As a community, that is advice that I very rarely see in this forum, and not from such an overwhelming majority. That should really be food for thought.

    By continuing this relationship, you are probably not only doing yourself harm, but her as well. For her to make progress, she probably needs to be in an environment where you aren't there to validate what she is doing, because if you stick with her, clearly her behavior is acceptable. If you stick around, it's probably not going to change. I really think that if this situation ends, you will be a better happier person in a year, and she probably will be as well.

  • ShutdownShutdown Registered User regular
    Yeah, get out of that relationship. Accept that it's emotional abuse and get on with the rest of your life.

    If she uses this experience to manage herself (and treat others) better, then that's great. If she keeps sinking into a hole then there's no reason you should go down with her.

  • JarsJars Registered User regular
    I'm wondering what your goal with this post is now. you said you expected everyone to say break up, which they did, and you still want to stick with it. were you hoping for validation? well they say squeaky wheel gets the grease, I would leave her and maybe try to better yourself for the next one to come along(which they will). maybe start exercising and try to lose some weight if you're not happy with that, it will give you confidence.

  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    However, for the time being, I am going to try to make it work. The main hope I have is that I am scheduled to meet with her therapist next month, and I'm hoping that I can get the therapist to work on her controlling behaviors, and explain why they are wrong to her.

    Dollars to donuts that visit never happens. It will either get constantly rescheduled, or she'll find some way to bully you out of going to it. I suspect you already knew the comments you were going to get posting this thread, and now we've come to the inevitable self flagellation and rationalization over the many posts saying this is a bad situation. I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish here, beyond being a glutton for pain.

    I suspect neither you or your girlfriend are particularly happy though. In the end a million posts won't solve the problem for you, only you can do that, and you have to want it. It's very hard to see past a stressful situation in life, and sometimes we just miserably limp along with what we have because it's scary to think we might have nothing at all were we to walk away. But eventually it will all come to loggerheads, and the choice will probably be made for you.

    Setting aside the relationship, it sounds like you personally need help/therapy. I think should you get that help, it will give you the foundation and confidence to deal with these other issues with relative ease.

    Dark_Side on
    Temporal ParadoxCambiata
  • NightslyrNightslyr Registered User regular
    There's no love in control. A relationship needs to be based on mutual trust and honesty and openness. She's not supposed to be an authority figure who doles out punishment when you don't act according to her whims. She's supposed to be your partner, equal in all things.

    Like others have said, you're falling into the abuse trap. There's never an acceptable reason for putting up with being treated like shit. I understand both the abuse and the self-esteem issues:

    I'm a 32 year old physically disabled, wheelchair bound virgin who's had a grand total of one relationship which ended with my ex seeing someone behind my back. I'm a bit chubby myself, and have diabetes on top of everything (more genetics than diet in my case). I still live at home, with my 60+ year old mother. I create websites on the side, but am limited due to how state benefits work (yay for keeping people dependent on the system).

    My father was mentally abusive to me, my two older brothers (both of whom are physically 'normal'), and my mother. He was, literally, a pervert. We didn't realize the depths of his perversion until years later. Turned out he molested my older cousin (who was also my godmother) repeatedly for years. Thankfully, we were able to press charges (barely made the Statute of Limitations), and he's been rotting in prison since 2001.

    But, before all that, we were essentially captives in our own home. He was almost as controlling to my mother as your GF is to you. Any interaction with another man, even her own coworkers, were met with accusations of unfaithfulness. Anything out of place, or not going exactly the way he wanted it was met with rage, almost to the point of violence. He worked second shift, so during the summers my brothers and I would repeatedly hear how worthless we were. If we misbehaved, as brothers often do, it wasn't just a bout of bad behavior, it was a deep, shameful character flaw. Due to his military background, he would play the part of drill sergeant - we would be forced to be in a row in the living room while he dressed us down.

    I'm not trying to make this about me, but rather to explain that I get it. I get having to always walk on eggshells, and I get not being satisfied or happy with what stares back from the mirror. I get believing that you deserve to be treated badly because there's something fundamentally wrong with you. But the reality is that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. And neither do you. You're in the enviable position of being able to control how things turn out. You don't need to settle for anything. Don't like something about yourself? Change it.

    You deserve happiness.

    PSN/XBL/Nintendo/Origin/Steam: Nightslyr 3DS: 1607-1682-2948
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  • Edith UpwardsEdith Upwards Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    She found it in my history.

    SHE WENT LOOKING.

    She knows that you have a friend who has your interests at heart. She knows that said friend is female. She knows that you know. She knows that you have reached out for help and is now acting better in order to make you stop. She is not better. This is an act. She is probably cheating on you.

    Eventually, you'll realize how fucked up she is, and how fucked up you were for ever abiding by that shit. Exploding is not an option, and you will be less of a man if you go off on her. Just leave, please, and apologize to your friends when you do.

    Edith Upwards on
    Metalbourne
  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    Thomamelas wrote: »
    V1m wrote: »
    Hey guys. Again, thank you all for your advice.

    However, for the time being, I am going to try to make it work. The main hope I have is that I am scheduled to meet with her therapist next month, and I'm hoping that I can get the therapist to work on her controlling behaviors, and explain why they are wrong to her.

    She is also attending DBT sessions, which I am optimistic about.

    Also, I feel I may have not presented her side fairly, by not explaining her rationale.

    The porn thing: she doesn't really masturbate, not does she see the need for it. So when I masturbate, I do it because I am bored, and also am used to daily release. However, she sees it as a sex replacement, so me looking at porn is the same as cheating in her eyes, because I am choosing to do that with porn instead of her. so, even if I won't see her for 2 more days, and haven't gotten off in 3, I should ignore my urges until I am with her.

    The problem with female friends: I am somewhat to blame for this, because she went through my history and found I had looked at a lot of pictures of one of my attractive friends on facebook while we were together. I realized this was dumb and messed up, and deleted that friemd on my own, but that is partially why she doesn't believe I just see femsle friends as friends.

    And finally, her reaction to me dating I feel abused: she first found this in my search history while I was at work,.and felt horrible. However, this was more violent/threatening abuse, which she has almost completely stopped. The controlling behavior, she admits is controlling, but not abusive.

    I would comment on specific posts that were made, but I'm posting from my phone after working 9 hours on 1 hour of sleep, so I'll try later.

    Set your boundaries, defend them relentlessly, and never ever concede that she's allowed to make you do things you don't want to or that it's OK for her to feel bad or make you feel bad if you don't want to do what she wants.

    Spend some time thinking about those boundaries. You might find it a useful exercise to write them down, and when you're finished working them out, write them out again in a nice neat list, present them to her and say this is the way it's going to be.

    You might think that you're taking the easy way out but really you're taking a very difficult path. I hope it works out for you but if it doesn't, come back here and we'll be more than glad to help you out.

    You seem like a very kind, giving person, but it's extremely easy for people like you to get trapped into the role of fixing what's broken about other people. Remember that there are people who are broken in ways that it's not only not your job to fix, but not within your capbilities to. The end point of the path you're on may well be that the only way you can help the girl you love is to force her to confront what's broken about her by leaving her no other option.

    EDIT: And remember that she needs you more than you need her. That's what all this is about.

    You're assuming that there is a remotely equal power dynamic in the relationship. That he can make a series of demands with a reasonable expectation that they will be listened to and respected. Best case for him trying this is that he makes the demands, she concedes for a bit then manipulates him back into being exactly where he is now.

    I don't disagree with you, but I'm trying to help him as best I can in the context of the decision he has made.

    V1m on
  • iRevertiRevert Tactical Martha Stewart Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    V1m wrote: »
    Thomamelas wrote: »
    V1m wrote: »
    Hey guys. Again, thank you all for your advice.

    However, for the time being, I am going to try to make it work. The main hope I have is that I am scheduled to meet with her therapist next month, and I'm hoping that I can get the therapist to work on her controlling behaviors, and explain why they are wrong to her.

    She is also attending DBT sessions, which I am optimistic about.

    Also, I feel I may have not presented her side fairly, by not explaining her rationale.

    The porn thing: she doesn't really masturbate, not does she see the need for it. So when I masturbate, I do it because I am bored, and also am used to daily release. However, she sees it as a sex replacement, so me looking at porn is the same as cheating in her eyes, because I am choosing to do that with porn instead of her. so, even if I won't see her for 2 more days, and haven't gotten off in 3, I should ignore my urges until I am with her.

    The problem with female friends: I am somewhat to blame for this, because she went through my history and found I had looked at a lot of pictures of one of my attractive friends on facebook while we were together. I realized this was dumb and messed up, and deleted that friemd on my own, but that is partially why she doesn't believe I just see femsle friends as friends.

    And finally, her reaction to me dating I feel abused: she first found this in my search history while I was at work,.and felt horrible. However, this was more violent/threatening abuse, which she has almost completely stopped. The controlling behavior, she admits is controlling, but not abusive.

    I would comment on specific posts that were made, but I'm posting from my phone after working 9 hours on 1 hour of sleep, so I'll try later.

    Set your boundaries, defend them relentlessly, and never ever concede that she's allowed to make you do things you don't want to or that it's OK for her to feel bad or make you feel bad if you don't want to do what she wants.

    Spend some time thinking about those boundaries. You might find it a useful exercise to write them down, and when you're finished working them out, write them out again in a nice neat list, present them to her and say this is the way it's going to be.

    You might think that you're taking the easy way out but really you're taking a very difficult path. I hope it works out for you but if it doesn't, come back here and we'll be more than glad to help you out.

    You seem like a very kind, giving person, but it's extremely easy for people like you to get trapped into the role of fixing what's broken about other people. Remember that there are people who are broken in ways that it's not only not your job to fix, but not within your capbilities to. The end point of the path you're on may well be that the only way you can help the girl you love is to force her to confront what's broken about her by leaving her no other option.

    EDIT: And remember that she needs you more than you need her. That's what all this is about.

    You're assuming that there is a remotely equal power dynamic in the relationship. That he can make a series of demands with a reasonable expectation that they will be listened to and respected. Best case for him trying this is that he makes the demands, she concedes for a bit then manipulates him back into being exactly where he is now.

    I don't disagree with you, but I'm trying to help him as best I can in the context of the decision he has made.

    In a situation such as this giving him an answer such as you did I feel is an "out" that he can take.

    Here we have going on four pages of everyone saying the same thing and then one person that is saying what he wants/needs to hear, someone who is enabling his rationalizations of the situation. The vast majority of people in his shoes and in his denial will bead in on that validation of their rationalization and ignore what everyone else is saying and just cling onto that. Its a puzzle piece that fits what they are looking for and its easier for them to use that and ignore the hard truth then to accept it and start taking the steps to get themselves out of the situation.

    Its up to the OP and he's going to read what he wants to read and hear what he wants to hear but I don't feel its healthy to give him the easy cop out that he is looking for.

    iRevert on
    Cambiata
  • ThomamelasThomamelas Only one man can kill this many Russians. Bring his guitar to me! Registered User regular
    V1m wrote: »
    Thomamelas wrote: »
    V1m wrote: »
    Hey guys. Again, thank you all for your advice.

    However, for the time being, I am going to try to make it work. The main hope I have is that I am scheduled to meet with her therapist next month, and I'm hoping that I can get the therapist to work on her controlling behaviors, and explain why they are wrong to her.

    She is also attending DBT sessions, which I am optimistic about.

    Also, I feel I may have not presented her side fairly, by not explaining her rationale.

    The porn thing: she doesn't really masturbate, not does she see the need for it. So when I masturbate, I do it because I am bored, and also am used to daily release. However, she sees it as a sex replacement, so me looking at porn is the same as cheating in her eyes, because I am choosing to do that with porn instead of her. so, even if I won't see her for 2 more days, and haven't gotten off in 3, I should ignore my urges until I am with her.

    The problem with female friends: I am somewhat to blame for this, because she went through my history and found I had looked at a lot of pictures of one of my attractive friends on facebook while we were together. I realized this was dumb and messed up, and deleted that friemd on my own, but that is partially why she doesn't believe I just see femsle friends as friends.

    And finally, her reaction to me dating I feel abused: she first found this in my search history while I was at work,.and felt horrible. However, this was more violent/threatening abuse, which she has almost completely stopped. The controlling behavior, she admits is controlling, but not abusive.

    I would comment on specific posts that were made, but I'm posting from my phone after working 9 hours on 1 hour of sleep, so I'll try later.

    Set your boundaries, defend them relentlessly, and never ever concede that she's allowed to make you do things you don't want to or that it's OK for her to feel bad or make you feel bad if you don't want to do what she wants.

    Spend some time thinking about those boundaries. You might find it a useful exercise to write them down, and when you're finished working them out, write them out again in a nice neat list, present them to her and say this is the way it's going to be.

    You might think that you're taking the easy way out but really you're taking a very difficult path. I hope it works out for you but if it doesn't, come back here and we'll be more than glad to help you out.

    You seem like a very kind, giving person, but it's extremely easy for people like you to get trapped into the role of fixing what's broken about other people. Remember that there are people who are broken in ways that it's not only not your job to fix, but not within your capbilities to. The end point of the path you're on may well be that the only way you can help the girl you love is to force her to confront what's broken about her by leaving her no other option.

    EDIT: And remember that she needs you more than you need her. That's what all this is about.

    You're assuming that there is a remotely equal power dynamic in the relationship. That he can make a series of demands with a reasonable expectation that they will be listened to and respected. Best case for him trying this is that he makes the demands, she concedes for a bit then manipulates him back into being exactly where he is now.

    I don't disagree with you, but I'm trying to help him as best I can in the context of the decision he has made.

    An understandable goal. But he's in a situation with a very unequal power dynamic with a partner who appears to have a history of violence. The best case for your advice is that he simply gets bullied into backing down. Worst case is that it triggers a violent response. A better solution would to be for him to seek out counseling for himself, independent of her counseling but that is still a terrible option because it continues to leave him in a position for emotional and physical harm. Couples counseling is generally frowned upon when there is a history of violence.

    Usagi
  • StormwatcherStormwatcher Blegh BlughRegistered User regular
    I just read through this whole thread and the OP's last post really broke my heart. I'm on the verge of tears.
    That person has abused him so thoroughly that he's seeing the world through her distorted crazy eyes. This is Stockholm Syndrome shit indeed.

    THAT IS NOT HOW HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WORK IN ANY WAY.

    Dude, seriously, get away from her before you get too hurt or too broken. You can still save yourself, but not her.

    Steam: Stormwatcher | PSN: Stormwatcher33 | Switch: 5961-4777-3491
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  • zeromystzeromyst wat Registered User regular
    I went through a similar relationship in my college years and while I did love her, the relationship did not last. I was not happy with her controlling mentality. I don't really mind "clinglyness" all that much but it's the controlling that really got to me in the end.

    I really did not read through the entire thread so excuses if this is duplicate advice but you need to sit with her and talk. If she loves you she will listen to what you have to say (and you will listen to her in turn) and the both of you can come up with something that works. Keyword being BOTH. If you cannot come to an agreement and you really want to make this relationship work then I would suggest involving a third party. Whether it be a professional or a friend. (make sure it's someone you trust)

    Healthy relationships are give and take.

    From the OP it seems like she is doing all of the taking.

    In the end the decision is yours to make whether you will stay with her or not. But based off of the OP, this is a relationship I would not be happy in.

    CRANK UP THE C. CRANK UP THE D.
  • zagdrobzagdrob Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    I really can't disagree with what the other posters have been saying for the past 4 pages.

    I'm saddened, but not surprised that the OP isn't taking the advice of dozens of people who have been in the same or similar situations. It's a bog-standard part of the cycle of abuse, and I can only hope that the OP figures that out before things escalate further, or a child gets brought into the situation.

    Although it goes without saying that I think the OP needs to run, not walk, away from this woman, I beg him to seek therapy - independently - and be open and honest with his therapist regardless of the outcome. As a victim of abuse, he will need therapy and maybe talking to a therapist can help him see some of the things that he doesn't see and we can't show him.

    I also urge him, if he does insist on staying with her, to follow through with HER therapy. He needs to make sure that it doesn't get pushed off or not happen. If she's on a peak, he's going to feel like he's walking on eggshells to avoid a massive fight and keep things good. There will be an urge to lie/ not tell the whole truth, or accept that everything is his fault to keep things good. If she's in a valley, the visit will get cancelled or rescheduled or she'll go alone.

    He needs to remember that if he's not honest and open, he's facilitating her issues and taking away her chance to get the help she needs from her therapist. He needs to fight that urge, and ask himself why he feels so strongly that he can't be open and honest even in a place like therapy that should be safe.

    Also, he needs to keep in mind that a therapist will almost never tell him to leave. Their job is to work through issues, not tell people that it's hopeless. He should NOT be waiting on the blessing of her therapist or their couple's therapist for that piece of advice.

    zagdrob on
    Esseetapeslinger
  • tarnoktarnok Registered User regular
    Children were not even a possibility that occurred to me, but that's something the OP should probably think about.

    Think about the toll this relationship has taken on you. Then consider the fact that you may not even be aware of how bad the damage is. Now consider what living with that for the first eighteen years of your child's life would do to him or her.

    Wii Code:
    0431-6094-6446-7088
  • NamrokNamrok Registered User regular
    tarnok wrote: »
    Think about the toll this relationship has taken on you. Then consider the fact that you may not even be aware of how bad the damage is. Now consider what living with that for the first eighteen years of your child's life would do to him or her.

    Fucked me right up, I can tell you that. Although on the bright side, myself and every single one of my siblings got jobs and moved away from my mother as soon as they were able after my father passed away. In this failure to launch culture, I suppose that's a good thing?

    Hey, did I ever tell you that joke my father told me before he died?

    "Why do most husbands die before their wives? They want to."

    And then he died. I think that was the punchline.

    So yeah, that's what a life with a horrifically abusive and controlling woman will do to you.

  • nimrodblacknimrodblack High Council of Useless Knowledge BostonishRegistered User regular
    I cannot say this enough. "This is not a relationship, This is servitude."

    Clingy is someone who wants to be with you too much.
    Controlling is what you describe here:
    "had to delete every single female"
    "get angry at the very mention of other's names"
    "She has told me I am never allowed... "

    I could list more and more from your OP but I won't. I am a psych major. I am a Dad. I am a Former Marine. This girl is not clingy. This girl is doing her very best to control your thoughts. That is not a joke.

    It is not normal behavior in a relationship for one person to forbid the other person from doing anything. It is a request. It might be something that she is uncomfortable with. Perhaps something that might cause her stress. But that is not the same as telling you you cannot speak to members of the female sex. This behavior is indicative of someone with very serious control issues. Someone that has a very low self esteem. Furthermore it is unlikely she will at any point be content with whatever extensive steps you take to keep her happy.

    Ultimately you need to take control of this situation and tell her what is going to happen. She is not in charge of your life. If she would like to be a part of it she will trust you. If she cannot do that then its best if you two part ways.

    It is important for you to realize that this is not part of a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships are based on trust. She has made it clear that she does not trust you. That is an issue she needs to deal with. It is not something that requires you modify your life to accept. This isn't healthy.

    PAX East 2013: 3Day Badge and Local to Boston
    xThanatoSxReverend_ChaosEdith Upwards
  • LanchesterLanchester Registered User regular
    The last thing I'm going to say in this thread....the thing that can't be stressed enough.

    SHE'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE

    This isn't something like "I'm not going to eat chocolate anymore". Something that can easily be done, or is just a matter of decision making. This is more "I'm not going to like the taste of chocolate anymore". That is something that is hard coded in their brain. You can't change how your brain functions on a whim.

    And I know you love her and want to do anything and everything to possibly help her. Or hope if you talk to her about things, they can possibly change. But it just doesn't work like that. You need to do both yourself and herself a favor and end this relationship. Then you both need to go get professional help from a therapist. Like others have said, there is 4 pages full of people all saying the same thing....that's got to be a sign to you; That this should be what needs to be done.

  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    Sometimes the hardest thing to do for someone you love is to let go of them. And sometimes this is also the best thing.

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    iRevert wrote: »
    V1m wrote: »
    Thomamelas wrote: »
    V1m wrote: »
    Hey guys. Again, thank you all for your advice.

    However, for the time being, I am going to try to make it work. The main hope I have is that I am scheduled to meet with her therapist next month, and I'm hoping that I can get the therapist to work on her controlling behaviors, and explain why they are wrong to her.

    She is also attending DBT sessions, which I am optimistic about.

    Also, I feel I may have not presented her side fairly, by not explaining her rationale.

    The porn thing: she doesn't really masturbate, not does she see the need for it. So when I masturbate, I do it because I am bored, and also am used to daily release. However, she sees it as a sex replacement, so me looking at porn is the same as cheating in her eyes, because I am choosing to do that with porn instead of her. so, even if I won't see her for 2 more days, and haven't gotten off in 3, I should ignore my urges until I am with her.

    The problem with female friends: I am somewhat to blame for this, because she went through my history and found I had looked at a lot of pictures of one of my attractive friends on facebook while we were together. I realized this was dumb and messed up, and deleted that friemd on my own, but that is partially why she doesn't believe I just see femsle friends as friends.

    And finally, her reaction to me dating I feel abused: she first found this in my search history while I was at work,.and felt horrible. However, this was more violent/threatening abuse, which she has almost completely stopped. The controlling behavior, she admits is controlling, but not abusive.

    I would comment on specific posts that were made, but I'm posting from my phone after working 9 hours on 1 hour of sleep, so I'll try later.

    Set your boundaries, defend them relentlessly, and never ever concede that she's allowed to make you do things you don't want to or that it's OK for her to feel bad or make you feel bad if you don't want to do what she wants.

    Spend some time thinking about those boundaries. You might find it a useful exercise to write them down, and when you're finished working them out, write them out again in a nice neat list, present them to her and say this is the way it's going to be.

    You might think that you're taking the easy way out but really you're taking a very difficult path. I hope it works out for you but if it doesn't, come back here and we'll be more than glad to help you out.

    You seem like a very kind, giving person, but it's extremely easy for people like you to get trapped into the role of fixing what's broken about other people. Remember that there are people who are broken in ways that it's not only not your job to fix, but not within your capbilities to. The end point of the path you're on may well be that the only way you can help the girl you love is to force her to confront what's broken about her by leaving her no other option.

    EDIT: And remember that she needs you more than you need her. That's what all this is about.

    You're assuming that there is a remotely equal power dynamic in the relationship. That he can make a series of demands with a reasonable expectation that they will be listened to and respected. Best case for him trying this is that he makes the demands, she concedes for a bit then manipulates him back into being exactly where he is now.

    I don't disagree with you, but I'm trying to help him as best I can in the context of the decision he has made.

    In a situation such as this giving him an answer such as you did I feel is an "out" that he can take.

    Here we have going on four pages of everyone saying the same thing and then one person that is saying what he wants/needs to hear, someone who is enabling his rationalizations of the situation. The vast majority of people in his shoes and in his denial will bead in on that validation of their rationalization and ignore what everyone else is saying and just cling onto that. Its a puzzle piece that fits what they are looking for and its easier for them to use that and ignore the hard truth then to accept it and start taking the steps to get themselves out of the situation.

    Its up to the OP and he's going to read what he wants to read and hear what he wants to hear but I don't feel its healthy to give him the easy cop out that he is looking for.

    He'd already made his decision. I'm not in the business of telling him that he's not entitled to make his own decisions; I'm in the business of reminding him that he is.

    I agree with all of you that his relationship does not, to put it mildly, have a positive prognosis. But he doesn't need 1 more voice out of dozens telling him at length how he's made a mistake (I hear dogpiling is a great thing to do to people with esteem issues and never has unintended consequences like making people feel defensive and entrenching their position). I'm pretty sure by now that he gets it. We think he'd be better off without this girl.

    He's an adult, he's considered our advice and he's made his choice, I want to help him make the best of it because he seems like a good guy who is worth helping.

  • zagdrobzagdrob Registered User regular
    tarnok wrote: »
    Children were not even a possibility that occurred to me, but that's something the OP should probably think about.

    Think about the toll this relationship has taken on you. Then consider the fact that you may not even be aware of how bad the damage is. Now consider what living with that for the first eighteen years of your child's life would do to him or her.

    I apologize if this comes across as the standard misogynistic guy, but the OP needs to be very careful about her trapping him with a pregnancy / child. With someone clingy / controlling (his own words), as well as a diagnosed personality disorder, he should be cautious about trusting her with birth control responsibilities.

  • NamrokNamrok Registered User regular
    zagdrob wrote: »
    tarnok wrote: »
    Children were not even a possibility that occurred to me, but that's something the OP should probably think about.

    Think about the toll this relationship has taken on you. Then consider the fact that you may not even be aware of how bad the damage is. Now consider what living with that for the first eighteen years of your child's life would do to him or her.

    I apologize if this comes across as the standard misogynistic guy, but the OP needs to be very careful about her trapping him with a pregnancy / child. With someone clingy / controlling (his own words), as well as a diagnosed personality disorder, he should be cautious about trusting her with birth control responsibilities.

    I'd hope everyone understands that you aren't talking about women, but this specific batshit crazy woman. And I agree with above advise.

    CalicaKristmas KthulhuEdith Upwards
  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    Namrok wrote: »
    zagdrob wrote: »
    tarnok wrote: »
    Children were not even a possibility that occurred to me, but that's something the OP should probably think about.

    Think about the toll this relationship has taken on you. Then consider the fact that you may not even be aware of how bad the damage is. Now consider what living with that for the first eighteen years of your child's life would do to him or her.

    I apologize if this comes across as the standard misogynistic guy, but the OP needs to be very careful about her trapping him with a pregnancy / child. With someone clingy / controlling (his own words), as well as a diagnosed personality disorder, he should be cautious about trusting her with birth control responsibilities.

    I'd hope everyone understands that you aren't talking about women, but this specific batshit crazy woman. And I agree with above advise.

    Yeah, I think we've all established that this is a crazy person who reflects badly on humanity as a whole. The gender has nothing to do with it.

    For the record, I mentioned a few quips to my GF and her response: "What a crazy bitch, that's not healthy at all"

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Namrok wrote: »
    zagdrob wrote: »
    tarnok wrote: »
    Children were not even a possibility that occurred to me, but that's something the OP should probably think about.

    Think about the toll this relationship has taken on you. Then consider the fact that you may not even be aware of how bad the damage is. Now consider what living with that for the first eighteen years of your child's life would do to him or her.

    I apologize if this comes across as the standard misogynistic guy, but the OP needs to be very careful about her trapping him with a pregnancy / child. With someone clingy / controlling (his own words), as well as a diagnosed personality disorder, he should be cautious about trusting her with birth control responsibilities.

    I'd hope everyone understands that you aren't talking about women, but this specific batshit crazy woman. And I agree with above advise.

    Anyway I experienced this in my relationship with my ex who was male. If it were just anyone and I didn't know any history I'd be pissed and carding, but with someone this controlling you just can't know. It's probably jumping the gun a bit, but it's not as far out there as I kind of wish it was.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • Kristmas KthulhuKristmas Kthulhu Registered User regular
    I really just want to give everyone in this thread, especially the OP, a hug.

    What you're going through is not okay. You deserve to be happy.

    MetalbourneToxLovelyMKRlonelyahavaThirty-3EncEdith Upwards
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    My two cents to this conversation: If you relationship has been featured in one or more episodes of Law & Order SVU, you probably shouldn't stay in that relationship.

    Edith Upwards
  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    Paper, how are you doing mate?

  • Paper MonitorPaper Monitor Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    I'm ok. We got in a big fight last night that started because one of her male friends just moved nearby, and she asked me if she could go to a furniture store with him. I said yes because I trust her and I'm not vindictive enough to stop her from having friends even though she wouldn't let me do tge same. Turns out I should have said no, because the fact that I let her do it apparently means I don't care about losing her, and if I really cared, I'd be as jealous as she is.

    And during the course of this fight, I kind of stood up to her and said "i think your jealousy is bordering on abuse!" (i kinda wimped out), and her rezponse was just "i dont think it is", and then she just moved on. Which wasn't quite the response I had hoped for.
    The fight also got her to clarify
    what she considers to be inappropriate in regards to her male friends. Unless her and a guy had sex previously, and currently talk several times a month, it is ok. So oral only and daily conversations are ok, as is had sex and talk every few months. But not both. She then reiterated her stance that any contact between me and any girl other than bare necessity is wrong.

    Also, she made sure I knew what made her think I was so untrustworthy. 2 years before me and my girlfriend,met, I started talking to a girl on okcupid. I liked her, but she.just liked me as a friend, so nothing ever happened. I still liked her for a few months, then she just became a friend, the one who really encouraged me to keep meeting girls. So I meet my girlfriend, and I am still friends with this girl. I didn't tell my girlfriend that we met through a dating site. She found out 5 months into our relationship, and now says I was lying to her the entire time. I admit, I should have told her sooner, but still, I would expect this is normally a "minor annoyance" level thing, not "all women are suspecy" thing.

    Oh, and she has been cheated on. She has also cheated on an ex, and been the person a guy has cheated with. I'm thinking her familiarity with cheating makes her suspect it constantly.


    Paper Monitor on
  • SloSlo Registered User regular
    I'm ok. We got in a big fight last night that was completely ridiculous and I don't deserve this kind of garbage at all.

    Fixed that for you.

    Speaking from horrible, horrible experience, leave now. You don't want to marry this girl in the future, because she will suck the will to live out of you. Everything will be second guessed, you will have to live her life, because yours doesn't matter to her.

    And than she'll have a breakdown at some point and do something awful to you.

    UsagiEsseeEdith UpwardsToxbowenzagdrobLovely
  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    Dude, she's still being pretty terrible. While being on fire is better than being actively torched by a flamethrower, you're still on fire.

  • seasleepyseasleepy Registered User regular
    Er, so it's OK for her maintain contact with guys she's previously had sex with, but it's not OK for you to talk to a girl you never even dated (but once had a crush on)?

    Like, all right, she has trust issues, but it's not okay to use those as an excuse to try to control you. Which she is doing still.

    I am glad you started having the conversation with her.

    Steam | Nintendo: seasleepy | PSN: seasleepy1
    Essee
  • TubeTube Registered User admin
    I don't know what I can really say that hasn't already been covered. This thread makes me sad. You're being abused. Not bordering on abuse. Actual abuse. I have a feeling that, like most people in a first relationship, you're worried you won't find someone else. You will. There are other, better people out there. You need to get out of this relationship as a matter of urgency. There's no healthy way to stay in it. You cannot be with this person for the rest of your life.

    Hobnail wrote: »
    This forum has taken everything from me
    This hurts but I deserve it

    UsagiMetalbourneIrukazerzhulDoctorArchMacro9EsseeEdith UpwardsCaptain CarrotKristmas KthulhuFonjoWassermeloneDhalphirsaint2eToxbowenzagdrobJostenKwoaruAngelHedgieDehumanizedRagnar DragonfyreCambiatalonelyahavaNightslyrVegemyte
  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    Turns out I should have said no, because the fact that I let her do it apparently means I don't care about losing her, and if I really cared, I'd be as jealous as she is.

    You gotta let her go, man. This type of thinking is INCREDIBLY unhealthy and irrational.
    There's really nothing to be salvaged here.

    And not telling your girlfriend about a girl from your past right way is not a big deal. It takes time to become emotionally close and start sharing stuff about your dating past.
    I mean were you supposed to say "Hi, I'm Paper Monitor and I met a girl through a dating site 5 months ago, I hope that is OK with you." I mean who does that?

    CambiataNightslyr
  • SiskaSiska Shorty Registered User regular
    You're not gonna find a compromise or reason with someone like her. If you don't tell her every detail of everything that has ever happened you are hiding things. If you do tell her everything you are talking too much about them and clearly obsessing and on the verge of cheating. There might be an occasional calm moment where she can sort of see your point of view, but that wont last. There will always be something new and something old for her to throw a fit about. There will never be a time when all the shit is sorted out and you wont feel like you have to walk on egg shells. Even if she always gets her way. If you're with her, you're always gonna be on the defensive.

    Do you actually like her as a person, or do you simply care and worry about her? If you're staying with her because you think you will be alone forever, being with someone like her will crush your spirit far worse then being alone. Splitting up would probably be the best for both of you. Use the extra free time to reconnect with neglected friends. Or try to pick up some flashy new skills. Like gourmet cooking, dancing and/or playing the guitar or some other instrument. Being the guy who knows how to do the "thing" might boost your confidence a bit and that will make you look and feel more attractive.

    EsseeEdith Upwards
  • KarrmerKarrmer Registered User regular
    Break up with her immediately and get some therapy or something, I can't fathom how you could have put up with any of this for more than a second. You need to learn what a healthy relationship is and start demanding nothing else.

  • MKRMKR Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    More to the point, people who've been through this, got out, and found healthy relationships are telling you to get out. This thread is a bounty of experience, and a buffet of painful lessons avoided.

    MKR on
    Edith Upwards
  • EsseeEssee The pinkest of hair. Victoria, BCRegistered User regular
    edited December 2012
    2 years before me and my girlfriend,met, I started talking to a girl on okcupid. I liked her, but she.just liked me as a friend, so nothing ever happened. I still liked her for a few months, then she just became a friend, the one who really encouraged me to keep meeting girls. So I meet my girlfriend, and I am still friends with this girl. I didn't tell my girlfriend that we met through a dating site. She found out 5 months into our relationship, and now says I was lying to her the entire time. I admit, I should have told her sooner, but still, I would expect this is normally a "minor annoyance" level thing, not "all women are suspecy" thing.

    Not really, no. In a healthy relationship, how you met friends you knew before you started dating your S.O. is just something that might come up in casual conversation, maybe when you're telling a story or something. I mean, seriously? That was two years before you met, and you never even got romantically involved. That's not even tangentially justification for trust issues. I mean, even if you had something relevant in your past, like cheating on somebody, it's still not justification for forbidding you from ever having female friends (or any of the other abusive behaviors she's been exhibiting). But this? This is ridiculous. The fact that your response includes "I should have told her sooner" is just further evidence that you've started apologizing for her abusive behavior.

    Seriously, I know what a healthy relationship with roadblocks looks like. I've been in one for over five years now. This isn't even remotely healthy. PLEASE listen to everyone that has tried to explain this, and get out. I've been following this thread from the beginning and it just breaks my heart to read all of these things you've written about the situation. I just really wish I (and everybody else) knew what to say to help you understand. You're not the one in the wrong here, and you're better than her, and you can't fix her, and she won't change if you just wait around, and I hope you can see all of that someday soon. If ANYTHING is going to change with her, SHE needs to not have you there to push around. So please, get out. Save yourself. You can do this.

    Essee on
    MKRCambiata
  • WassermeloneWassermelone Registered User regular
    God, I really hope this has a happy ending.

    And by that, I mean you leave her. Shes abusing you.

    CambiataLovely
  • ArtereisArtereis Registered User regular
    Paper, go back and read every post you've made in this thread. Highlight every line where you're making an excuse for her behavior. None of that is okay. What if this wasn't your thread, and you were reading it for the first time? What would you tell that person?

  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    Sounds like you guys fight all the time. Might be helpful to keep a journal about this stuff, I would bet after a month if you go back and read it, you'd be horrified at what you put up with. (But make god damn sure she never finds out about it. And if so don't ever let her read it.) Anyway everyone has said what needed to be said, but I would reiterate that if you're going to stand up to this person, be careful about where and how you do it.

    Emotional abuse ain't that far a line from physical abuse in the heat of the moment.

    Dark_Side on
    Essee
  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    I'm ok. We got in a big fight last night that started because one of her male friends just moved nearby, and she asked me if she could go to a furniture store with him. I said yes because I trust her and I'm not vindictive enough to stop her from having friends even though she wouldn't let me do tge same. Turns out I should have said no, because the fact that I let her do it apparently means I don't care about losing her, and if I really cared, I'd be as jealous as she is.

    And during the course of this fight, I kind of stood up to her and said "i think your jealousy is bordering on abuse!" (i kinda wimped out), and her rezponse was just "i dont think it is", and then she just moved on. Which wasn't quite the response I had hoped for.
    The fight also got her to clarify
    what she considers to be inappropriate in regards to her male friends. Unless her and a guy had sex previously, and currently talk several times a month, it is ok. So oral only and daily conversations are ok, as is had sex and talk every few months. But not both. She then reiterated her stance that any contact between me and any girl other than bare necessity is wrong.

    Also, she made sure I knew what made her think I was so untrustworthy. 2 years before me and my girlfriend,met, I started talking to a girl on okcupid. I liked her, but she.just liked me as a friend, so nothing ever happened. I still liked her for a few months, then she just became a friend, the one who really encouraged me to keep meeting girls. So I meet my girlfriend, and I am still friends with this girl. I didn't tell my girlfriend that we met through a dating site. She found out 5 months into our relationship, and now says I was lying to her the entire time. I admit, I should have told her sooner, but still, I would expect this is normally a "minor annoyance" level thing, not "all women are suspecy" thing.

    Oh, and she has been cheated on. She has also cheated on an ex, and been the person a guy has cheated with. I'm thinking her familiarity with cheating makes her suspect it constantly.

    Ding ding! Winner! As long as you're letting her define the rules, then the game is always going to be played like this:

    The game starts, then you lose.

    Remember, she's hugely insecure as well as controlling. She's actively looking for reasons not to trust you. If she can't find anything, then it's double super-suspicious because if you're going to all the trouble of hiding "it" (whatever it is that you're doing) so well she can't find out about "it" then it must be something super double bad. So you won't "win" by being totally faithful and doing what she wants, you'll only give her the cue to tighten the restrictions on you even further, because the aim of the game here is not to stop you breaking her stupid rules, it's to catch you breaking her stupid rules. Because then she wins her game forever.

    Remember what I said: don't have fights. When she draws you into these 2-hour emotional cagefights, you're giving her the prize she's playing for. Just go with a flat "That's ridiculous." Don't let her trick you into the self-justification (The old "how long have you been beating your wife" trap). When you defend yourself, you're implicitly conceding her right to make you defend your actions.

    EsseeCambiataNightslyrEdith Upwards
  • AustralopitenicoAustralopitenico Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    I'm ok. We got in a big fight last night that started because one of her male friends just moved nearby, and she asked me if she could go to a furniture store with him. I said yes because I trust her and I'm not vindictive enough to stop her from having friends even though she wouldn't let me do tge same. Turns out I should have said no, because the fact that I let her do it apparently means I don't care about losing her, and if I really cared, I'd be as jealous as she is.

    Ah, yes, the old "you are not as willing to turn mundane events into reasons for a fight as I am". Brings back fond memories.

    Wait no, it doesn't, it makes me want to drink myself unconscious.

    That type of thinking is not only completely stupid, but totally UNACCEPTABLE.

    I know maybe you can't figure this out yourself, so I'm going to spell it out, since accepting this was an important step in the path to a normal life: If you don't do what she says, she will throw abuse at you because you don't do as she says. If you do what she says and let her do what she wants you are going to get abuse, too, because "you don't care".

    YOU CAN'T WIN. THERE IS NO POSSIBLE SITUATION HERE WHERE SHE IS GOING TO BE HAPPY WITH YOU.

    I know this is a terrible thing to say, but these kind of people are not suited for relationships, abuse is the only way the know to relate to the world. They will only be happy with someone they can abuse or someone who is abusive to them.

    The sooner you accept that SHE IS NOT GOING TO LET YOU MAKE HER HAPPY, NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, the better.

    Caps for emphasis, I'm not screaming.

    Australopitenico on
    bowenzagdrobToxEsseeKristmas KthulhuCambiataEdith Upwards
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