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the bad joke thread

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Posts

  • ButtlordButtlord Fornicus Lord of Bondage and PainRegistered User regular
    old mother hubbard went to her cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone
    but when she bent over
    along came rover
    who gave her a bone of her own

  • satansfingerssatansfingers Registered User regular
    Fire Truck wrote: »
    One afternoon about seven months ago, this gay Taliban lawyer walks into a bar with a talking parrot on his shoulder.

    The Taliban bartender is like, "Man, I just have to know what that's all about! I mean, the bird thing."

    Anyhow, the lawyer looks at him pretty mean, because in their religion it's, like, super rude to be nosy.

    About twelve and half minutes later, the lawyer persuades the owner of the building to fire the imperfect bartender.

    I think that at the end of the joke the bartender's life is screwed up pretty bad. He doesn't have a lot of options.

    all day since reading them, these jokes have just randomly popped up in my head and i have chuckled

    some of my favorite achewoods

  • Crimson KingCrimson King Registered User regular
    knock knock

    who's there

    interrupting cow

    interrupti-MOO

  • Jacques L'HommeJacques L'Homme BAH! He was a rank amateur compared to, DR. COLOSSUS!Registered User regular
    The year is 1945, and a British bomber is shot down over Germany. Only the pilot manages to parachute to safety, but upon landing he breaks his leg and is ultimatly captured and inprisoned. While imprisoned the pilot developes a case of gangreen. Some time later, the pilot's leg falls off.
    Snickering, the German guards ask him, "Vat do you vant us to do viss your leg?"

    Defyant, the pilot responds, "Send it to my friends in London."

    Soon after his other leg falls off and the guards once again ask him what to do with his leg

    "Send it to my friends in York" says the pilot.

    Later that week his arm falls off, and is asked once again what should be done with his extremity

    "Send it to my friends in Liverpool" responds he pilot.

    Finally, after some time and much suffering, the pilots other arm falls off, and is approched by the Germans as to what they should do with it.

    "Send it to my friends in Brighton"

    "Nein!" Snaps the German guard.

    What? Why not?" Askes the pilot.

    "Vee sink you are trying to escape!"

  • Darth WaiterDarth Waiter Elrond Hubbard Mordor XenuRegistered User regular
    Aahhhhh, Memphis Belle.

  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    Two people walk into a bar.
    One ducks.

    Lilnoobs on
  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    Why was 6 afraid of 7?
    Because 7, 8, 9.

    Lilnoobs on
  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    Last night my dad told me he loved me.
    Then I woke up.

    Lilnoobs on
  • Jacques L'HommeJacques L'Homme BAH! He was a rank amateur compared to, DR. COLOSSUS!Registered User regular
    Once upon a time in the little town of Bagofdicks lived a happy family of florists. One day a couple of monks opened their own flower shop across the street and began stealing all the family's business.

    The family tried everything to get the monks to move their shop, from guilting them with their kids to having the grandparents explain the history of the shop. In the end none of it worked.

    Fed up the family hired a mafia strong arm named Hugh to smash up the monks and their shop. It worked, and the monks left.

    The moral of the story is Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

  • Dongs GaloreDongs Galore Registered User regular
    Berlin, 1955 - an elderly German man approaches his local Priest to make confession.

    "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned," he says: "During the War, I broke the law. I hid a Jewish family in my attic."

    "That is hardly a sin" the Priest replies.

    "Yes, father, but I also charged them 100 reichsmarks a week for the service" the man goes on, contrite.

    "Well, I suppose that isn't quite so good, but you did save their lives all the same. God will understand."

    "Thank you, father." The man turns to go, but hesitates at the door.

    "What is it, my son?"

    "...should I tell them the War's over?"

  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    Hah

  • lancasterlancaster Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    wow

    class act

    lancaster on
  • ScratchyScratchy Registered User regular
    Terrible jokes eh

    Man 1, Man 2, and Man 3 are marooned on an island and captured by a tribe of cannibals. The cannibals state that they will kill and eat the men if they do not bring five pieces of fruit for a banquet. All three men disappear into the jungle to acquire fruit.

    Man 1 returns with bananas and the chieftain explains that they enjoy fruit flavored meat. The man may go free if he is able to place all five pieces of fruit inside his rectum without making a noise. 3/4ths of the way through banana one the man grunts causing the tribesmen to pounce and immediately skewer man 1.

    Man 2 returns to the campsite with five berries and sees Man 1 roasting over a fire. The chieftain offers the same deal to Man 2. Man 2 pops berries one, two, and three easily. A bead of sweat forms as he begins to administer berry four when suddenly he erupts into laughter. The tribesmen pounce and skewer Man 2 and throw him over the fire pit.

    Man 2 meets Man 1 in heaven. Man 1: "You were so close you could have easily done that and lived, what caused you to laugh in such a stressful situation?"

    Man 2:
    "I saw Man 3 coming back with pineapples."

    steam_sig.png
  • SwillSwill Registered User regular
    Weird Al

  • UrielUriel Registered User regular
    You dissin' on weird al, son?

  • SwillSwill Registered User regular
    12 year old me would have some words with current me

  • AntimatterAntimatter Devo Was Right Gates of SteelRegistered User regular
    weird al wrote the best devo song, he can do what he wants

  • VoproSTEINVoproSTEIN howdyRegistered User regular
    Why was the T-Rex so angry all the time?

    Because they couldn't hug.

    Now picture two T-Rex's trying to hug each other with tiny little arms, big ol' heads getting in the way.

  • satansfingerssatansfingers Registered User regular
    weird al still owns

    his genre/band pastiches hold up better than most parodies though

  • lancasterlancaster Registered User regular
    weird al just does what everyone does except he isn't clever

  • AntimatterAntimatter Devo Was Right Gates of SteelRegistered User regular
    lancaster wrote: »
    weird al just does what everyone does except he isn't clever

    do you want me to break down the lyrics/music video to dare to be stupid to explain exactly why this is incorrect

    this isnt an insult

    this is not me mocking you

    i would gladly explain why this is in fact not a true statement

  • lancasterlancaster Registered User regular
    Antimatter wrote: »
    lancaster wrote: »
    weird al just does what everyone does except he isn't clever

    do you want me to break down the lyrics/music video to dare to be stupid to explain exactly why this is incorrect

    this isnt an insult

    this is not me mocking you

    i would gladly explain why this is in fact not a true statement

    Well to be honest I have only heard the hits that everyone knows so it may be untrue, but what I meant is he rips off other peoples melodies and rhyme schemes, but so does everyone else, so it isn't an insult in any way, I just for some reason do not get what weird al does that makes people love him, and I really think it comes down to two sides when it comes to weird al, you either like him or you don't.

  • AntimatterAntimatter Devo Was Right Gates of SteelRegistered User regular
    edited December 2012
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMhwddNQSWQ
    this is an original song he made, a style parody of Devo, a new wave band

    they used their music and music videos to mock culture and spread their ideas

    they actually have an enormous library, whip it is not even remotely one of their best

    Mark Mothersbaugh, one of the founding members of Devo, said that this song is the greatest devo song and he jokingly said that he hated Yankovic for it

    Weird Al parodies multiple Devo music videos, and a scene in the video parodies another new wave band, Wall of Voodoo

    the lyrics twist around common sayings and are thematically similar to Devo's subversion of the norm

    Antimatter on
  • TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    lancaster wrote: »
    weird al just does what everyone does except he isn't clever

    go to prison

    never leave

  • AntimatterAntimatter Devo Was Right Gates of SteelRegistered User regular
    tdot there is no need to be rude

  • lancasterlancaster Registered User regular
    I like eat it

  • nightmarennynightmarenny Registered User regular
    lancaster wrote: »
    Antimatter wrote: »
    lancaster wrote: »
    weird al just does what everyone does except he isn't clever

    do you want me to break down the lyrics/music video to dare to be stupid to explain exactly why this is incorrect

    this isnt an insult

    this is not me mocking you

    i would gladly explain why this is in fact not a true statement

    Well to be honest I have only heard the hits that everyone knows so it may be untrue, but what I meant is he rips off other peoples melodies and rhyme schemes, but so does everyone else, so it isn't an insult in any way, I just for some reason do not get what weird al does that makes people love him, and I really think it comes down to two sides when it comes to weird al, you either like him or you don't.
    I don't want to condescend to you

    But I have trouble understanding how anyone who understood what parody was could describe Weird Al like that.

    I'm not knocking you for not liking him but "ripping off" is just not an accurate description here.

    Help me raise a little cash for my transition costs
    https://gofund.me/fa5990a5
  • facetiousfacetious a wit so dry it shits sandRegistered User regular
    VoproSTEIN wrote: »
    Why was the T-Rex so angry all the time?

    Because they couldn't hug.

    Now picture two T-Rex's trying to hug each other with tiny little arms, big ol' heads getting in the way.

    That's why they make out instead.

    duh.

    "I am not young enough to know everything." - Oscar Wilde
    Real strong, facetious.

    Steam: Chagrin LoL: Bonhomie
  • lancasterlancaster Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    Well maybe he doesn't rip off, I probably just made a rude comment without thinking it through, sorry. I like one song of his, don't really like him as an artist, though I suppose he is clever, and all I am saying is that melody wise, everyone to this day still rips off the beatles.

    And I am not saying ripping off is a bad thing, it is just hard to be original when the beatles have already done everything.

    lancaster on
  • nightmarennynightmarenny Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    Eh, Music is weird.

    I love being a musician because the more you learn the more realize how amazing it is that we can make something so interesting and emotional and varied as music.

    Its basically three elements on "sliders".

    Four if you count lyrics.

    nightmarenny on
    Help me raise a little cash for my transition costs
    https://gofund.me/fa5990a5
  • lancasterlancaster Registered User regular
    I am a self taught musician, so I don't know the technicalities as much, I just watch youtube and try and immulate.

  • satansfingerssatansfingers Registered User regular
    if you think everybody rips off the beatles, you don't listen to a very wide range of music

  • KaplarKaplar On Google MapsRegistered User regular
    How many members of a given stereotypical group are needed to change a lightbulb?
    A finite number. One to change the lightbulb and the rest to behave stereotypically.

  • TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    Antimatter wrote: »
    tdot there is no need to be rude

    whatever mom

  • lancasterlancaster Registered User regular
    edited December 2012
    edit

    lancaster on
  • TheySlashThemTheySlashThem Registered User regular
    you should fix that

    hit up pandora or something

  • AntimatterAntimatter Devo Was Right Gates of SteelRegistered User regular
    last.fm is the bee's knees

  • AntimatterAntimatter Devo Was Right Gates of SteelRegistered User regular
    LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT DEVO

  • UrielUriel Registered User regular
    Bah "music"

    It's a fad I tells ya.

This discussion has been closed.