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Interacting and Working With Hoarders
Curly_Brace
Robot GirlMimiga VillageRegistered User regular
Robot GirlMimiga VillageRegistered User regular
So a friend of mine (let's call him A) has recently moved in with a longtime friend (let's call him C) whom I do not know. The house where they now live is owned by the parents of C: B and D, if you will. B and D are hoarders. The mother, B, is apparently worse than the father, though that doesn't mean much. D and B are not living nearby, but have agreed to let A stay there... as long as he helps clean up the place.
But this is where I see potential issues. While D is apparently more reasonable, B seems paralyzed by her neuroses: the house needs some structural work (like some broken doors) but she insists it will either cost too much or the workers will "make it worse" by making it look anything other than new. Of course, it looks pretty rubbish right now so I fear she is not being logical about all this. Indeed, both B and D seem to exhibit the classic hoarder symptoms of keeping everything from dolls to old phone books "because they could be useful" or "have sentimental value." So while A might have the best of intentions and genuinely does want to help clean up, I fear B and D will stop him at every mote of useless rubbish or bit of carpet that needs to be replaced.
I have never dealt with hoarders directly myself, but A came to me and, as a friend, I want to provide at least some advice. So I come to you all: any ideas on what A and C can do? Is my impression of the situation correct? C seems a bit resigned with the situation, but I can hardly blame him, as I think he lived with these people his whole life until recently. Still, I don't think the situation is untenable right now and really C and A have to do their best to clean simply because they cannot afford to move out yet.
But this is where I see potential issues. While D is apparently more reasonable, B seems paralyzed by her neuroses: the house needs some structural work (like some broken doors) but she insists it will either cost too much or the workers will "make it worse" by making it look anything other than new. Of course, it looks pretty rubbish right now so I fear she is not being logical about all this. Indeed, both B and D seem to exhibit the classic hoarder symptoms of keeping everything from dolls to old phone books "because they could be useful" or "have sentimental value." So while A might have the best of intentions and genuinely does want to help clean up, I fear B and D will stop him at every mote of useless rubbish or bit of carpet that needs to be replaced.
I have never dealt with hoarders directly myself, but A came to me and, as a friend, I want to provide at least some advice. So I come to you all: any ideas on what A and C can do? Is my impression of the situation correct? C seems a bit resigned with the situation, but I can hardly blame him, as I think he lived with these people his whole life until recently. Still, I don't think the situation is untenable right now and really C and A have to do their best to clean simply because they cannot afford to move out yet.
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My impression of hoarding is that it usually requires therapy, and a lot of time and effort to work through. Maybe recommend that your friend seek advice from someone who specializes on these kinda of cases. Even if they cant convince the parents to seek help, it'd be better than advice from the internet, or taking actions that may unnecessarily unravel the mental state of a hoarder.
You can't fix up a hoarder's house without getting rid of or at least massively cutting back on the amount of stuff that's being hoarded. And you can't do that if they're willing and able to stop you. Fixing the doors isn't going to matter when there's thirty years worth of newspapers stacked up to the ceiling.
Pretty much this, but are you sure what she means when she says "clean up the place"? Because you guys might be thinking "get rid of trash, replace the doors, make it look like humans live there," while she is thinking "dust my shit."
In the case of the latter, if they are doing A a favor I'd say "dust her shit and move on," because that is not a well of drama he will want to or is qualified to tap. As long as he's happy enough to live there, there's no real problem. If she's making his life difficult because she wants him to fix the mess but not throw anything away or do any repairs, he will want to find a way to move out before it makes him miserable. A and C are probably not going to "fix" B, though. It just isn't going to happen.
Therapy only works if they want help, the whole HOARDERS tv show is a bunch of bullshit before anyone brings that up.
Plain and simple homes such as that are not healthy environments for people both mentally and physically. Even if its just hoarding of thrift store items and its all "clean" and such it still is a health risk because those items don't get moved and all sorts of nasties develop behind them.
My advice is to have your friend move out and move on. Any handymen that come in to do work will require a large work space to work in and if they see bad living conditions most honest contractors will call APS/CPS.
If you have a spare minute have a read of this:
http://www.vice.com/read/bless-this-mess-405-v17n4
Especially pay attention to this paragraph:
This, Ron explains to me from several inches away, is a typical job, although no two hoarding jobs are exactly alike. Except for the client. The client, he says, will always try to manipulate you. The A&E show Hoarders, he adds, is horseshit. “Shrinks, social workers, and psychotherapists have never cured a smoker, drinker, overeater, gambler, or sex addict, yet the media has these folks working with the clients as if they are providing some kind of valuable service.” Like any junkie, a client can’t be helped until he or she asks for physical help and coaching, Ron tells me. But never therapy: “Coaching is about tomorrow. Therapy is about yesterday.”
If the parents don't even live there does it really make a difference to them whether an old doll is lying hidden under a couch or packed in a box in the basement?
Since that's up to A and C, there's not a hell of a lot you can do. You definitely aren't going to change someone else's parents by double proxy.
I host a podcast about movies.
Hoarders are not into storage at all. I lived with a girl who had a minor hoarding problem, and even though our basement had tons of space for storage and was perfectly safe, she insisted on keeping EVERYTHING she owned in her room or within 10 feet of it. So much so that there wasn't room to walk in there and she turned the room's private sunroom into a storage closet.
Looking at the last two posts, and evaluating my life, I have often wondered if I might be heading down a path of being a hoarder. I have a fairly sizable toy collection, but I don't dust and I don't really have storage/display places for everything I own. I used to have a storage space, but I gave that up 2 years ago to save some money. I do have a lot of "junk" paper, mostly the manuals for the toys (transformers) or a few boxes for items I got from Japan.
The biggest reason I'm asking is twofold. First, most of my toys were bought during a time when I was seriously depressed (and in counseling) back in 2005/2006. Second, it might be hereditary. My grandmother would have been described as a hoarder in addition to being bedridden, my mom has a lot of stuff that has value to her but is unorganized (but she keeps her house pretty clean in defiance of grandma), and I have heard stories about some of my extended family... I also worry because I don't exactly do a great job cleaning most of the time, let alone dusting. Yet I can't seem to find the time/motivation to sell or pitch things (I would pitch, but I figure that I should sell it and get my value back.. but I keep making excuses to do so).
So as I said, this isn't a therapy post... but are there signs of "proto-hoarding?" Is there a point where becoming a pack rat becomes bad? I see things like Hoarders and I get really, really scared that I'll end up that way someday, but it is likely my anxiety getting the best of me.
No problem. I was debating "deleting" (editing) this post almost as soon as I made it.