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What am I getting myself into? [Poly-Problems]
JustAnAlt
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
So using an alt because of reasons!
A little bit of history on my situation: I met girl (whom I will refer to as Jane) through the internet based around a mutual interest. We met as friends, and immediatly hit it off. We went on several day trips based around our mutual hobby, completely plutonic at the time as she was in a serious relationship. Flash forward to a few months ago, I stumble across a post where she admits to getting in a complicated relationship with another man, leading me to question her about it. Apparently, her and her boyfriend decided to give a poly relationship a spin, and had later drifted apart. After talking to her some more, I ended up hanging out with her and ending up in her bed. And the sex is everything I thought it could be, and more, and hasn't queered our friendship, but I feel incredibly nervious. I've never done a "Casual" relationship, and frequently lay it on thick, so to say.
And I really think we're developing feelings for each other. We ended up laying in bed and just taking turns making each other smile and laugh, cracking jokes and dumb puns. She looked me in the eyes and said she's never been as happy as she has been since this started.
I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I'm just so out of my depths here, I have no idea what to do.
A little bit of history on my situation: I met girl (whom I will refer to as Jane) through the internet based around a mutual interest. We met as friends, and immediatly hit it off. We went on several day trips based around our mutual hobby, completely plutonic at the time as she was in a serious relationship. Flash forward to a few months ago, I stumble across a post where she admits to getting in a complicated relationship with another man, leading me to question her about it. Apparently, her and her boyfriend decided to give a poly relationship a spin, and had later drifted apart. After talking to her some more, I ended up hanging out with her and ending up in her bed. And the sex is everything I thought it could be, and more, and hasn't queered our friendship, but I feel incredibly nervious. I've never done a "Casual" relationship, and frequently lay it on thick, so to say.
And I really think we're developing feelings for each other. We ended up laying in bed and just taking turns making each other smile and laugh, cracking jokes and dumb puns. She looked me in the eyes and said she's never been as happy as she has been since this started.
I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I'm just so out of my depths here, I have no idea what to do.
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This is really one conversation you should have with her. You should tell her that you really enjoy her friendship and your time together, but that you would like this to progress to a committed relationship. The idea of a "poly" relationship is that both partners are free to see other people to some degree that is agreed upon by the two people in the relationship. This doesn't mean that someone who does this likes to sleep around. It means that they are honest with their partner about exactly how open they are willing to let the relationship become, and both partners need to agree on it. If this makes you uncomfortable, you need to tell her that and come to an agreement that she will be committed while she is with you.
If she is still involved with the other guy, then they either have an open relationship (where they are allowed to date and have sex with others, but remain primarily committed to each other)... or their relationship has fallen apart. If it was poly you should be known to the boyfriend, and probably would have met him so he could see if he is someone he would accept as a person for her to be involved with.
Now, anecdotal aside... I've never personally seen or known people in a poly relationship that actually lasted any length of time and remain healthy. And I've never seen one do anything more than crash and burn if one of those involved was in it without being 100% behind the idea.
For you, I think you should do what Metalbourne suggested... Talk with her and see what her status is. Is she still involved? Did they take a break and are now trying to figure out if they are still going to be together? Either way, once you find where she stands, you can then talk about what, if anything, you two want to do about each other.
I'm not a proponent of poly relationships myself, but I have seen them work out so I won't say they're all bad. The problem occurs when not everyone is really on the same track. I'm seeing this happen with an acquaintance actually - his fiancee, after he proposed and she said yes, suddenly sprung the idea of a poly relationship on him. This guy really doesn't want that, but he doesn't want her to be unhappy and he doesn't want her to leave, so he agreed. She went out like, the next day and got a boyfriend. They've been having relationship problems ever since.
IM NOT SAYING THIS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. The girl in question in the aforementioned situation is certifiably unstable. It could very possibly turn out that you talk to this girl you're into, and come to one conclusion or the other, and she's cool either way. I've seen that sort of thing happen more than not.
Yeah, that bit is pretty key... it's possible (though challenging if another person becomes romantically involved) for things to work for at least a decent period of time, but if anybody in the relationship isn't actually totally behind the idea, regardless of what they say, things are pretty much guaranteed to fail. Same with having a poly relationship without enough communication (including who a partner is with). I also agree that if she's not with anyone else right now, this isn't a 'poly' relationship YET. Was it clear that the desire for opening the relationship was on her end? I'm guessing you don't even know the full circumstances behind why the relationship was opened, so I don't think you have enough info to understand exactly where she stands on the issue.
At any rate, right now, you guys are having a good time together, so unless you start to become uncomfortable I think you should continue to enjoy yourselves. Just make sure you keep communication lines open at all times, because that's really essential in ANY kind of relationship, romantic or poly or otherwise. If it does turn out that you guys become romantically involved and you find out you're not comfortable with a poly relationship if she really wants one, well, that's a reasonable reason for things to not work out. But don't get ahead of yourself when you're still beginning to get involved with her and haven't had a conversation about a permanent relationship, let alone how each of you feels about anybody in a future relationship being poly. It's possible (though definitely not guaranteed) for people who have poly leanings to be comfortable with having a monogamous relationship, and vice versa. I say if it works, it works, and if it doesn't, it doesn't. You should at least have a pleasant time with her for the time being, that's what I feel. Nothing's gone wrong just yet.
Poly relationships are different than casual ones, which is a bit confused in the OP. You need to talk with her (communication!) and figure out what she wants and what you want. You also should really look into poly relationships, because while there are many types, they're not what most people expect and certainly aren't usually the same things as casual relationships or friends with benefits.
I want to be with her. Ideally that would be in a monogamous relationship, but all I know is I really care about her, and I don't want to lose her in my life.
To clear up a few things: I'm the only guy she's seeing regularly. The guy she dated when she decided to be Poly still lives with her, but they are not in a relationship. He knows about us.
Thanks for the advice and or help.
I will tell you that you are better off not going along with things if it's not something you're ready to be happy for her about. It will just drive you crazy.
However, I must echo what everyone else has said: if you do not want to be in a poly relationship, absolutely do not be in one. It will make you miserable...far, far more miserable than not being with this girl would make you.
The good news is that there is absolutely no reason you need to worry about losing her from your life. You may not be able to have a romantic relationship with her, and that might hurt for a while, but it really sounds like the worst-case scenario here is that you end up going back to the platonic thing. Don't worry about this unduly.
But as everyone else has said, you need to talk to her. And soon.
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Most of the time, that's solid advice. Don't fall in love with her. Too bad that's not how it works usually
Talk to her about it. And don't pretend to be okay with it while thinking that it will work out eventually. (Not that I'm saying you would, but it happens and it leads to seriously messed up people.) You don't want to lose her but I don't think that's a problem if you're willing to accept that you might not be able to have a romantic relationship.
I am in an open relationship with a bisexual girl. We have been together for four years now, and we are really, REALLY serious. Like planning-10-years-from-now serious. So these sort of things really DO work, but they only work if you agree to common term with which BOTH OF YOU ARE COOL. This is very important because agreeing to terms you don't like because you care for her, although certainly commendable, will end up destroying you.
So you need to really put some effort into imagining how would you feel about her sleeping with someone else, and under which conditions you would be cool with it. In our case it's working because we are simply quite clear on who is the person we want to be with and the other people is mostly irrelevant and we try not to "abuse our privileges", but some people really like to have more than one deep relationship at once or sleep with many, many people, and that could break the deal for you.
So I guess what I'm doing is just circling around what other people told you: you MUST talk about it with her, and you MUST be open and honest with each other. And DON'T get into it if you are not sure and, if you really want to give it a try, for all that's good and fluffy go very, very slowly.
And if it turns out she is really poly or whatever, don't expect to somehow change her. Dating you isn't going to make her see the error of her ways or whatever.
And know that you can keep her in your life without dating. In fact, that's more likely to permanently keep her there anyway.
Yeah, wish someone had told me about that prior to one of my girlfriends. Mind you, she was completely honest and open about what she wanted, and I was OK with it at the time, but as time went on, I realized I didn't like it. Also didn't help that she went through some deep depression at the same time and was not the easiest person to be around.
Ironically, afterward, we ended up better friends.
That said, I agree with Ceres. I don't think she knows really what she wants. If you want a monogamous relationship with her, just bring it up. Assuming you two are both mature people, she should give you some kind of indication of whether that matches what she wants.
Don't be so down on yourself that you think you have to give in to something you don't want (a poly relationship) in order to keep her. I fear that you are considering the poly aspect just because you think it is the only way you won't lose her. You have to stand up for what you want, too.
Neither you nor she should compromise on the type of relationship you want. If you compromise and accept a non-exclusive relationship, you will (probably) reach a point where you are not happy with the relationship. Similarly, if she makes a compromise, she'll end up not happy. This is a pretty safe bet because you're probably going to make the compromise from a short-term perspective (I love her! I can accept this because I just want to be with her and make her happy!) instead of the long term (This is how I always pictured my daughter's wedding day). Those down-the-road scenarios can be pretty hard to foresee. Couples that have problems generally do so because long-term plans don't mesh well--short-term conflicts prevent them from being a couple in the first place most times.
You both know you can be great friends. If you can't be more, you can just be friends. Address this as adults and think not just about the now but about the five years from now, about the ten years from now. Sit and talk. Decide where the relationship is, decide where it is allowed to head, and with what parameters. If you decide to dial it back, you're still good friends. If you both legitimately agree where you want your relationship to head, then theres a good chance it will work out well for the two of you. If you disagree... land on the common ground and don't give up what you used to have for the sake of trying to hold onto something that won't last as long. By the sound of it there is a strong basis of mutual respect, so you really have nothing to worry about.
Also, remember that this isn't about you, or her, its about the two of you. Neither of you deserve to be hurt, and you just want to make sure that you aren't setting yourselves up.