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Helping GF loose weight
altface4321
pgroome@penny-arcade.comRegistered User regular
pgroome@penny-arcade.comRegistered User regular
Hey guys, here's the situation:
My girlfriend of 3 years is a bit overweight, and while we've had a dozen or so start and stop attempts, she's really struggling to keep on track for more than a month or two (with months of no real exercise before we start up again). Her eating habits have gotten much better in the last few years, but I sometime's get frustrated and have to remind her to not eat that, or eat less of this. It ends up being sort of a guilt trip, which I really don't feel good about, and makes her angry as well. We started cooking at home, which is much better for meals and portions, but sometimes when we go out to eat she'll go a bit overboard and I feel I have to reign her in a bit.
Today she got quite upset after a discussion to hit the gym again. I inadvertently stepped on an emotional landmine when she revealed that her parents (especially her mother, who is overweight herself) gave her a lot of grief, nagging, and shaming about her weight when she was in high school. I'm -REALLY- trying to find a way to be as supportive and positive as I can, but sometimes she just has knee jerk defensive/angry reactions to my input because of how she was treated before.
She's open to the idea of loosing weight, and I'd really like to loose a few pounds as well, so everything has been a cooperative initiative so far. The main hurdles she has in staying on track are due to school work, which, while I understand needs some flexibility allowances, always seems to be a very convenient excuse for not going to the gym, which leads to falling off the wagon entirely. It's not like we don't have the free time, it's just she's stubborn to use it for going to the gym.
So I guess my questions are two-fold. How can I help my girlfriend maintain healthy eating habits without being a nag, and how can I help her stay on an exercise regiment despite the constant pressures of school? We've tried and failed so many times, I'd really like some advice on how to tackle it this time around so it sticks.
My girlfriend of 3 years is a bit overweight, and while we've had a dozen or so start and stop attempts, she's really struggling to keep on track for more than a month or two (with months of no real exercise before we start up again). Her eating habits have gotten much better in the last few years, but I sometime's get frustrated and have to remind her to not eat that, or eat less of this. It ends up being sort of a guilt trip, which I really don't feel good about, and makes her angry as well. We started cooking at home, which is much better for meals and portions, but sometimes when we go out to eat she'll go a bit overboard and I feel I have to reign her in a bit.
Today she got quite upset after a discussion to hit the gym again. I inadvertently stepped on an emotional landmine when she revealed that her parents (especially her mother, who is overweight herself) gave her a lot of grief, nagging, and shaming about her weight when she was in high school. I'm -REALLY- trying to find a way to be as supportive and positive as I can, but sometimes she just has knee jerk defensive/angry reactions to my input because of how she was treated before.
She's open to the idea of loosing weight, and I'd really like to loose a few pounds as well, so everything has been a cooperative initiative so far. The main hurdles she has in staying on track are due to school work, which, while I understand needs some flexibility allowances, always seems to be a very convenient excuse for not going to the gym, which leads to falling off the wagon entirely. It's not like we don't have the free time, it's just she's stubborn to use it for going to the gym.
So I guess my questions are two-fold. How can I help my girlfriend maintain healthy eating habits without being a nag, and how can I help her stay on an exercise regiment despite the constant pressures of school? We've tried and failed so many times, I'd really like some advice on how to tackle it this time around so it sticks.
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So, if you want her to stop eating bad things, you need to not have them around, and you need to eat healthier when you're around her. When you eat bad foods, you need to not tell her about them. For the gym/exercise, you set a schedule and you work out together. If you're talking about food, talk about plans, and if she says that she's having a hard day or overeating, you need to be optimistic and say something like "Well, that's OK, tomorrow is a new day and you're still on the right track. Nobody's perfect, and we're both making good decisions for the future."
If that's the case it would further explain her reaction today; even though you're not shaming her for it, bringing up the subject would make her feel like she's being pressured into something she doesn't want to do, which would remind her of her experiences with her parents.
I could be totally wrong about that, but I think it's worth considering.
[Grammar Nazi]BTW, it's lose rather than loose.[/Grammar Nazi]
I agree that you'd need to be sure that she really wants to do it, and to do it for herself. I had many times where I wanted to lose weight, but was always centered around the idea of doing it so that other people (i.e. women) would like me. Needless to say I never followed through with it in those situations. It finally stuck after I finally realized that I needed to do it for myself, not to look better, but to have better health. I'd visit my friend's apartment and after climbing the stairs I'd be winded and it would take me 15+ minutes to catch my breath. I was a mess.
But, after deciding that it was for me, I found it easier to motivate myself and keep on track. Because of that, I was able to keep on my diet and exercise routine and I've dropped over 70 this last year.
But, if she's serious about it, then you need to be supportive. But, remember that it's ultimately up to her how much she sticks to it. You can help in small, but meaningful ways. You can give up as much bad food as possible to limit temptation. If there are things can't / won't give up, look into healthier alternatives. I, personally, love chocolate and, though I've limited how much I have, I get chocolates that are lower in fat / calories. You can also join her in exercise or you can suggest more physical activities for dates, maybe go out dancing or go on hikes or bike rides.
She might benefit from seeing her doctor about a weight loss plan that's designed for her.
Weight is such a personal issue I don't think there is much you can do other than just show support when she is happy and hug her if she is sad about it. You can ask her to walk with you if your going for a walk, but I wouldn't recommend trying to get her to do anything she hasn't started herself.
Also, Bacon. Bacon is a perfectly acceptable diet food.
God, this so frigging much. Bacon gets such a bad rap for really no reason.
One slice of fried bacon is 45 calories. It's totally fine to have a slice or two with your egg(s) in the morning.
It's also fine to sprinkle some bacon bits on your salad or whatever.
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In order for this to really work for her, what she is probably going to have to do is think to herself one day, "no really, why is this such a big fucking deal?" And then she will need to see a therapist. And maybe not, maybe one day she'll eat well and go in for a great workout and that feeling will be enough to pierce through the years of negativity associated with her weight, but more likely she's going to need help to see why it's about health and giving her control rather than shame or giving someone else control (or come to that realization herself), and you will probably not be able to provide that insight.
With that, my advice to you is for you to live the example you want to set, listen and try to be there when she wants to get on the wagon, but other than that try not to get involved to much. It's not your responsibility anyway and you don't want to be associated with whatever negativity surrounds the issue in her head or have become a part of your relationship for her. Do not ever tell her what to eat or what not to eat, or that she's eating too much. I know you care and want to help but you're not her mom, and consciously or otherwise that may be what she hears and it could actually make things worse over time.
There is probably some role you can play if you want to and she wants you to, but she really has to think about what that is and what will work best for her brain. I can tell you some of the tricks my husband and I use for me, and they're patterns we've had to fall into over years.
The one I go to is: BMSFit. It's only a one off place but you probably have similar things near you (I believe Crossfit is a similar sort of thing and is a bit of a chain.) Anyway, if you can find gyms like that they tend to be a bit more expensive but you have a qualified trainer available for every class and every class is different. My gym changes the workout every 2 days (so you go one day, take a day off. If you show up two days in a row he'll change a few exercises for you.) What you'll find is these smaller gyms tend to have a more supportive environment, your workouts tend to be more intense because of the personal attention of the trainer and you are encouraged to keep coming back by the trainer (partly because they legitimately get to know you and care about your health and partly because they are generally also the gym owner and need you to come back so they can earn their keep.)
I used to absolutely hate working out - honestly hate it to the point where I avoided any type of physical activity for about ten years. Now I really enjoy it, just because of the constant change in exercises and support I receive at the gym.
Don't say anything.
Because everything you say or do will be taken bad anyways. Hell, some people are so sensitive about their weight that even YOU trying to keep YOURSELF fit will be seen as judgmental or insulting to them. Best case you will stress them out and trigger them to eat more. Worst case you create an adversarial system where they are secretly binge eating gallons of ice cream just to spite you.
Sadly there are just people that either don't care about their weight, or have an extremely bizarre and self harming relationship with food. And the rare individual (though not as many as would style themselves to be) who just got a bad genetic lot.
Healthy snacks are great, but people get craving for the bad snacks too. The best thing is to moderate the snacking and meals. Yes, it is ok to eat back things once in a while. It's healthy to cheat on your diet once in a while, however you need to have a routine of good eating habits. If she doesn't want to eat carrots, add some peanut butter dip. If she wants something sweet and salty, have trail mix with different nuts and dried fruits. It's ok to have chips once in a while, just don't eat them every day. Also in terms of eating out, ask for them to box up half of your meal in the beginning. This way, you think you ate your full meal and you can have lunch or dinner for the next day. Yes I know this sounds silly, but it is doable and reasonable.
The emotional association she has with her weight is depression, and it's hard to break through that. I went through my entire life (and now) with my mother and grandmother telling me I was fat and overweight, while my doctor told me I should be putting on weight. Family (even more so the female members), stress weight going up, and it really does have an effect on you when you're older. Maybe when she gets emotional about it, it's best to ask how she is feeling, and what she would like to do to change that. And with the change, ask if she wants to go and do something, go for a walk or go for the gym. The gym does lower your stress level and gives you a high on life kind of feeling.
Baby steps would be the best way to do it instead of stressing the gym. Walking 30 minutes a day can do wonders to start the weight loss. If possible, go out for a walk with her after dinner. It'll be a nice time for you to bond and enjoy each other's company than sit in front of a tv. That can slowly progress into going to the gym and making you and her feel better. However, this is all if she wants to do. You really should ask the question of what she wants to do, and if she wants to change, then how she wants to do it. It's a long process, but what you put into it is what you'll get out of it.
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This is me, more or less. It's been a lot of painful introspection and learning to live around it.
OP, your girlfriend is probably not as badly off as I am, but the "minefield" comparison is apt.
Taking walks every day is a good idea, there's some nice trails behind our house that would be good for a stroll.
Another thing that's sort of irksome though, is her best friend comes over a lot and we play games, but this friend has a 'baking-mom' sort of trait, and is compelled to always make cookies or popcorn or bring treats or whatever. We've been having alternatives like grapes and carrots which my girlfriend eats, which is good, but I still feel like all the treats around is a bad influence. Should I just tell the friend to lay off on the sweets a bit, or bring healthier alternatives instead?
I'm trying to firm up a bit after too much fun over the holidays, so I've signed up for a 10mi run in April with a handful of friends. In order to not be awful, I've found a 10-week training plan and stuck to it (so far!). Even after just 2ish weeks of being on it I'm feeling better. Also it's so much fun to see your pace improve, and if you've got any metric trackers (runkeeper, nike+, et cetera) you can scratch that inner geek itch with pretty graphs and the like!
Good luck man!
I've seen this just as easily backfire. I mean to you and me it sounds like a great idea. To someone who insecure beyond what we can comprehend, it sounds like an attack.
Well, the key is to either find something you both enjoy, or something you're an equal skill level at, so you can both laugh and learn together. Same thing works if she feels more comfortable with a friend. Gyms can be scary if you're socially and physically insecure, and having a happy face you know there goes pretty far in making it "safe".
also it is difficult if youre doing different weights and exervises. My wife wants to do dumbbells and leg machines, where as i want to do barbells only
I've used this method with girlfriends in the past. We never went weight-lifting together, just did more low impact stuff like 4 hour hikes on trails, a good 30-40 minute walk around the block, etc.
I don't either, but it might be better if you can talk to your girlfriend about doing it because it's her friend. You can say that you're trying hard and having that stuff in makes it harder for you or something, but you really want to avoid policing the house or her.
This is assuming you live together, of course. If not, it's your living space.
One of the things that trips people up the most (including my past self) about body composition and thus weight loss is a lack of understanding of the mechanics involved. I assure you, unless she has a serious underlying condition such as diabetes or a thyroid condition, your girlfriend's metabolism follows the same basic rules as everyone else. Her metabolism might be slightly slower, her hunger pathways might be more excitable, her body and brain might be more resistant to insulin/leptin, and her behavioral patterns might render her far more prone to weight gain than other individuals, but for the most part she's likely just like everyone else.
The best lay person sources I have found on the internet are Lyle McDonald, Alan Aragon and Jason Blaha. Jason Blaha's youtube channel Ice Cream Fitness is pretty great and he does some good work explaining nutritional science data if you don't want to dive in to pubmed. His video "Demystifying fat loss" is pretty great and will summarize a lot of what I'm saying here.
The basic template for losing body fat is as follows:
1) Resistance train 3x a week to spare lean body mass, reduce metabolic slowdown, maximize diet efficiency, and get some "noob gains."
2) Eat sufficient protein in order to spare lean body mass. Eat sufficient fat to maintain hormone production.
3) Reduce caloric intake so that the body is in a net caloric deficit each week.
That's it. Obviously secondary factors complicate the subject such as hunger control, precise amounts of the above etc. You'll note I didn't say anything about cardio or avoiding specific foods. For the most part, you don't need to do either, provided you satisfy the third condition above. While I generally advise against food avoidance, the big exception is trans fat. It's pretty horrible for you and you should try and minimize it in your diet (under 2g a day is probably fine though). You could cut fat on a diet of protein powder, mountain dew, twinkies, fish oil caps and a multivitamin. In fact, it's been done, not that I would recommend it. The "healthiness" of your food (quite the loaded term) is not particularly relevant for body composition purposes.
I enjoy the bodybuilding.com forums, despite the occasional amount of Bro Science promulgated. I'll link two of the best intro threads.
On thermodynamics and dieting:
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=121831491&page=1
On basic cutting methods:
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=129247741&page=1
And a bit more advanced one on calculating macronutrient needs (short version: .5-1g+ of protein per lb of ideal body weight per day, ~.4-.8g of fat per lb of ideal body weight per day):
http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=121703981
And here's a calculator to estimate total daily energy expenditure, which you must be under on a periodic basis in order to lose weight:
http://exrx.net/Calculators/CalRequire.html (exrx is a great site, especially for their exercise directory). I like the bodybuilding.com forums' total metabolism forecaster, but it's a massive spreadsheet and a bit overcomplicated. As the links say, 3500 calories is a pound, so try to keep the total deficit under 2 lbs a week unless she's much more overweight than you've indicated. Slow and steady wins this race (with a less damaged metabolism to boot).
As your girlfriend will want to be in a caloric deficit, she should either keep a log of food or keep a very strict mental inventory (not recommended). I think it's critical she does this as otherwise it feels like she's being treated like a child and may under-report consumption if only to escape the mental strain of being monitored and/or the threat of letting down someone else's expectations. There are a few web and phone apps out there to help with this. I like Lose It! but others have said calorieking, nutritiondata (with personal logging) and myfitnesspal are good.
As far as resistance training goes, I prefer heavy barbell strength training with a progressive overload component as that style of training is extremely time efficient and is also likely the most effective form of muscle training you could do. Machines are generally less effective than barbell work. Bodyweight and circuit-based techniques are currently all the rage due to Cross Fit's (baffling) popularity, but as someone who has been very overweight, circuit training can be a real drag on the joints and tends to have an unnecessary cardio component. I recommend a program like Stronglifts 5x5 (google it, it's free although the language is very sales-pitchy since the guy wants people to join his premium forums service, however all the information is available for free) for someone who just needs to hit the major muscle groups and wants to build up strength in those muscles, especially since it's very hard to gain a lot of muscle while not in a caloric surplus and thus additional volume may not be particularly effective. If one is a complete weightlifting novice, one can gain a fair foundation of strength on a cut.
A note on water: water weight fluctuates a great deal within the body and the mechanics of it are complex. To put it simply, water weight scales directly with carbohydrate consumption and sodium consumption. This explains why a lot of people go on low carb diets and lose 5-10 lbs in the first week. Those initial first losses are mostly water. When I'm cutting I weigh myself far more often than necessary and I find my weight fluctuates about 2 lbs in either direction depending on any number of factors. A lot of stalls in weight loss during a week or two week period often are water-related, despite fat loss continuing. Often, scale weight will stay static for a few days and then drop as the body purges itself of excess water, creating a "whoosh" effect. This step-wise weight loss can be very demoralizing, so it's good to anticipate it.
You should get your butt into the SE++ thread (which has a hilarious name right now involving Zumba).
it's boring, it's intimidating, and it's very hard to continue being motivated
take up a martial art, or take up ice skating, or take up hiking, SOMETHING, ANYTHING, is better for exercise than going to a room full of machines and trying to zone out your brain.
it is far easier to continue with a physical exercise program if the exercise is a side effect of a fun activity, rather than exercise being the end goal.
Also, if she doesn't want to exercise, then she doesn't want to exercise. It isn't the end all be all for weight loss. YES, it's totally awesome for you, and yeah you should do it, but you really can't out exercise a shitty diet. Her first step should be focusing on changing the way she eats. She needs to figure out how many calories she needs a day here (Keep it on sedentary) to lose weight, and track her food with this. There is no need to jump into exercise and diet and whatever other changes yet, as it'll probably just burn her out (from past evidence of her stopping everything after a month). If she eats better and uses those tools, she will lose weight, and if she decides she eventually wants to add in exercise (Like me. I lost 20 pounds just tracking my food and then decided to add free weights, and then lost another 20), then cool. She should try out different exercises so that she finds one she really likes and sticks with it. I HATE running, but I love picking heavy things up and putting them down again. People like jumping rope, or hiking, or swimming, or running, or fuckin'...rugby or whatever. She needs to find something that works for her.
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Basically there is evidence that people who are overweight have a different metabolism just by being overweight, it's not as simple as "calories in, calories out". The good news is that plenty of people can still have low blood pressure, good fitness, and other health benefits from just moderate weight loss, even if they are still technically overweight. It seems like the weight issue is really emotional for your gf, so it might be better for now to focus on becoming a healthy overweight person rather than an anxious thin person, and then reassess the weight goals once the health goals have been met. However, if the problem is actually that you can't be attracted to her at her current weight, than I don't think it's fair to approach this problem from the "it's for her own good" angle.
ehhhhhhhh, maybe for you the gym is those things. Don't disagree with fun exercise activities though.
Honestly I recommend (this is all with the okay of a doctor and assuming you are healthy with no issues) either running or the high impact workouts like insanity. Insanity and those style of work outs do this weird thing were you burn calories all day. There are articles on it. Either way like everyone has said you can't beat a good diet but getting into the workout routine you'll naturally start wanting to eat better.
To answer your questions directly:
Work out with her.
Cook healthy at home and let her order what she wants. The fitter she gets the less likely she'll want to do those crazy orders.
Remeber working out isn't all or nothing. You fall off your horse you get back on it the next day.
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A lot of the NYTimes' exercise and nutritional science reporting isn't particularly good and often seems motivated by creating exciting revelations for the reader base. I recall an article from a few months ago focused around women doing pull-ups (or rather, their "natural" inability to do so) and many noted the base study made little sense from a strength training perspective. Likewise here, we have a study revolving around feeding men who average 233 lbs a diet of 600 kcal/day. That's irresponsible unless their economic well-being depended on it e.g. bodybuilders prior to a contest shoot and athletes needing to make a weight class. It also would be expected to cause a high amount of metabolic "damage," adaptations that cause the endocrine system to lose footing, particularly in the production of testosterone and thyroid hormones (though in the last 10 years, we've learned leptin levels crumble as well, which is why many in the bodybuilding community have adopted carbohydrate refeeds on a weekly basis as part of a cutting routine). Though, I have a great deal of respect a number of the researchers mentioned in the article and it does get better in the second half, so I'm assuming selective reporting.
The body has many adaptive components that fight weight gain/loss. My personal favorite is that some people increase their non-exercise motor activity in response to a sharp increase in caloric intake, mitigating the additional food. In short, they fidget. On the other hand, people who carry a lot of extra weight tend to have insulin and leptin sensitivity issues. Plus they tend to have bad behavioral patterns (exacerbated likely by more ghrelin production and a very food saturated society). Also, I'm obligated to point out the usual collapse of lean body mass that occurs with weight loss tends to slow the metabolism even more, which is why lifting heavy weights 3x a week is so critical to a solid weight loss program. Also, it does seem the long-term adaptations to weight loss somewhat require exercise on a continuous basis after the weight is lost. Continuing with weight training after finishing a cut seems to help. It also doesn't hurt that the body is in an optimal state to synthesize muscle protein when it's in a caloric surplus, something people who tend to be overweight have an easy time achieving (as compared with the proverbial "leangainer"). Even if fat is put back on (and it will in said caloric surplus over a long period) the foundation of strength and muscle makes it easier to take off in the future as the body's capabilities are increased and the metabolism is increased.
For overweight individuals, it is as simple as calories in are less than calories out to lose weight. The body can adapt its energy consumption in a variety of ways and increase hunger responses, but ultimately I haven't met another human being that doubles for Galt's Motor, creating energy (fat) out of nothing.
Also, i don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but there is an app called myfitnesspal that is pretty neat. it helps you count your calories. you put in a goal of weight loss (like .5-2 lbs a week or whatever) and it doles out the calories you should be consuming. you enter each meal and it ticks away at your total for the day. you can add excercise as well. honestly, my main issue with food is portion control, especially when i'm sitting around bored. i will just shovel food (not necessarily the unhealthy variety) into my grocery hole regardless if i'm hungry or not. that app makes me actually think about how much food i'm eating.
I've met plenty who think they do. Denial and insecurity is a powerful drug.
Ceres gave us frozen spinach so that we might eat excessive quantities without any noticeable calories. Seriously, a pound of chopped frozen spinach is like 120 kcal. Pretty micronutrient dense too. Boil it in some water with a cube of (fake) beef bullion, some curry powder, and salt et voila!
Seriously though, logging helps change your attitude toward food over time for the better, as you start treating food like a fuel source rather than a primary means by which to derive pleasure in your life. Not that it's perfect, I still eat out once a week or so when I'm losing weight. I just log it and try and keep it manageable (but I usually don't try and keep it below maintenance).
Short story is you can't, but I think that's been covered very thoroughly above
Long story is that you might want to look at it from her perspective--if there's a lot of shame and guilt already tied up with her health, weight and eating habits, the last thing in the universe you want is somebody you care about, somebody who's supposed to find you desireable telling you that you need to lose weight. Even if it's genuine concern on your part, it may be construed as an attack.
So three suggestions from a lifelong overweight person with family-ingrained food issues:
1. You don't have to exercise to lose weight. Yes, you'll drop weight faster, look better and definitely feel better, but losing weight is about 90% dietary changes. Permanent dietary habit changes, which is really tough when you have a bad history with food.
2. Corollary to #1: it's really really really really hard to make permanent changes to both your eating habits and your exercise habits at the same time, especially when there's outside stressors like work or school.
3. Second corollary to #1: diets don't work and eating habits are really really really hard to change if you don't deal with the underlying issues of why you have a shitty relationship with food.
Go out and get When Food Is Love: Exploring the Relationship Between Eating and Intimacy and/or Breaking Free From Emotional Eating for yourself, OP, not for your girlfriend. It'll give you perspective on some of the things that she is/may be dealing with and then hopefully you two can speak the same language about this stuff.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
You can be as supportive and helpful as you want, and I encourage that behavior. But you can't force her to follow through. Nothing you can do will make her lose weight, or commit to doing so. All you can do is be there for her and make suggestions. Communication is key, since she seems a bit sensitive to suggestions, but don't avoid them just to spare her feelings. At the same time, don't feel like you've failed if she doesn't lose all the weight or if she slips. She's human, and the decision is ultimately hers to make.