Okay. So my boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now.
Before we met, my ex boyfriend broke up with me. They in fact knew each other too. Just a little background info: This was the beginning of my sophomore year. My ex smoked a lot of weed. I didnt like it, but I wasn't going to ask him to just stop. He told me it was "the way he was". He was always full of bs but whatever. After he broke up with me, I started smoking weed. Ironic I know, but I liked the way it relaxed me and made me forget about my sad thoughts about my break up. But anyways, this was also around the time that my current boyfriend and i kindof met. When we first started talking we talked about my ex and how I didn't like that he smoked weed. He told me he didn't like weed, & I told him I'd done it a couple of times but I didn't particularly like it. But then again I was kinda just getting into it.. a couple times at the park I had gone to smoke with some buddies and maybe half an hour later i would see my current bf at the park. Idk why but I felt it would be best to omit the fact that I had just been smoking. Once we had been talking for a few weeks, he asked about the fact that i had smoked before. I told him that that one time I saw him at the park I had just been smoking- now i felt it was okay to tell him since we were on the subject. He freaked and started questioning dating me.. I didn't want to lose another person I had found an interest in, so I immediately promised him I would never do it again, cold turkey. We had also talked about stuff like drinking and partying, and both agreed we didn't really like any of that stuff.
So over the past year that we have been dating, there have been about 4 times that I have smoked, just because I was with a friend or two and I took a few hits. I have never told my boyfriend about it.
There have also been a few times that I've drank, and smoked hookah with my friends that he doesn't know about. At one of my friend's family parties she was drinking and I had a few shots.. I told my bf that she was drinking, but omitted the part about my drinking. (this was all over text) he started saying how he was worried about me being around that because he didn't want me to feel tempted or pressured by my friends. I told him he had nothing to worry about. I've also gone to one of my guy friend's house a few times before (with a girlfriend), and didn't tell my bf. It's not like I do anything bad.. I've been friends with this guy for like 4 years and his mom loves me and stuff, were strictly just friends. But my bf has met him once or twice at a dance and a birthday party and he just doesn't like him. My bf is the jealous type though, (as am I), so I think he just doesn't like him because he knows we've been kind of close for a few years and he thinks we had a thing in the past, even though we never have.
I just feel like it's easier to just not tell my boyfriend these things. If any of the topics really ever came up I would tell him I suppose. I know that keeping these things from him is basically lying, but it's just like I know they'll start fights. We hardly ever fight. But considering how much he hates drugs, alcohol, and my guy friend, it would just make such a scene if I told him. That's the only reason I never did. My boyfriend is a realllly sensative guy.
I almost told him about my smoking weed about a month ago. Right before our one year I had a night with two good friends and we smoked some weed. I missed it a lot and I took one too many hits.. I got way too high and I had an anxiety attack.. I was scared shitless and the next day I couldn't stop thinking about it. Considering my bf is my bestfriend I felt like I had to tell him, because I really was scared. I just couldn't find the nerve to tell him...
If i told him any of this I feel like he would never trust me again.,I know these things I've done are wrong but it's just idk it just seems easier to keep it from him. But i feel SO guilty.. and like I kinda want to bring them up. Because I still would like to smoke weed every once and a while, and drink every once and awhile. But if he knows this, what if he changes his mind about me? He's so anti-drugs and alcohol.. and telling him this after a whole year of dating would just completely change his view of me. But I want a future with him, and its not like I can go on with occasional smoking and drinking behind his back forever, right?
Any help on how to come clean? Input? Anything please. & thankyou
btw I would never ever ever cheat on my bf.