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Girlfriends and broken hearts.

Captain CthulhuCaptain Cthulhu Registered User regular
edited March 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
So the other day I was on my computer looking for an old creative writing piece I had started some time ago and never wrapped up. I didn't remember what it was called so I was just kind of opening up any word files I didn't recognize. Now I live with my girlfriend and before she got her own computer she used to write her papers for school on mine. In my search I came across a file called "It gives me a quiet mind" which didn't ring any bells but I opened it and started reading. A short way into it I realized that it was one of hers, but I also noticed that she mentioned the name of her ex boyfriend. This wasn't the ex that was immediately previous to me, but an ex from some time ago who she had been with for a couple years. Out of curiousity I continued reading. I probably shouldn't have but any human being would.

Anyway, to make a long story short I read the whole thing and the impression I got was this:
1. She had been asked to write a descriptive essay on something that "gives her a quiet mind."
2. She chose love, as that thing.
3. She chose to talk about her ex as a way to describe this love.

Now we've been together for a year and living together for about 9 months. we professed our love for eachother quite a while ago and now she's talking about the two of us moving across the country together and all that. I was all for it until I read this but now I feel like she doesn't actually love me at all, she's still hung up on this guy and she's now just using me as an emotional and financial crutch to get herself to California. Also, when she wrote that paper, it was while she was on cocaine, which was a habit that she purposely hid from me, I found out anyway, shit hit the fan and she has since quit, or so I am lead to believe.

I don't even know what to do here, or what it means. I mean I want to talk to her about it but I can't in all of my brain think of one possible good way that would end. But do I even want it to end well? Do I want to be wasting my time with a girl that doesn't care about me? I mean I care about her immensely and part of me thinks that I would just sweep this under the carpet and be almost entirely happy to just pretend to be ignorant either forever or until it ended some other way.

help me guys, what should I do?

Captain Cthulhu on

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    ShogunShogun Hair long; money long; me and broke wizards we don't get along Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    When was the document written?

    Shogun on
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    Captain CthulhuCaptain Cthulhu Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    maybe a month ago.

    Captain Cthulhu on
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    Grid SystemGrid System Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    People sometimes love their exes. If your girlfriend is one of these people, you can't expect her to just stop.

    However, the way she loves her ex is, presumably, not the same as the way she loves you. She's with you. As long as that doesn't change - that is to say, as long as she's not cheating, for example - then you really should just mind your own. Forget you ever read that essay.

    Grid System on
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    WalterWalter Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Thats really rough. Whatever happens, you do need to talk to her about it since you guys are so serious. Don't be pissed or anything, just say you are really confused right now and you need her to clarify why she wrote the paper. Do not let her steer the conversation away by saying you shouldn't have read it or whatever, let her know you weren't searching for it. Above all else, try to stay calm and keep her calm/on the right subject. I don't think letting anger into any argument ever solves anything. Good luck with all this buddy.

    Walter on
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    WalterWalter Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    People sometimes love their exes. If your girlfriend is one of these people, you can't expect her to just stop.

    However, the way she loves her ex is, presumably, not the same as the way she loves you. She's with you. As long as that doesn't change - that is to say, as long as she's not cheating, for example - then you really should just mind your own. Forget you ever read that essay.

    I would agree with you if this was some relationship where walking away isn't such a big deal, but they are living together. Cthulhu, you have to ask yourself if you can really forget you read that essay and continue on without worry or suspicion. Just talk with her, it doesn't have to turn into an argument if you don't let it.

    Walter on
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    Captain CthulhuCaptain Cthulhu Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    People sometimes love their exes. If your girlfriend is one of these people, you can't expect her to just stop.

    However, the way she loves her ex is, presumably, not the same as the way she loves you. She's with you. As long as that doesn't change - that is to say, as long as she's not cheating, for example - then you really should just mind your own. Forget you ever read that essay.

    See this is a problem for me, though. I don't expect her to just stop, but if while she's with me, the first person on her mind when she thinks of love is her ex? That just doesn't sit right with me. I mean, I was married before this girl, and I was with my ex-wife for almost 5 years, and I loved her, and I still care about her but I don't love her, and she definitely doesn't come to mind when I think of love.

    Captain Cthulhu on
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    LRGLRG Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    She hid doing hard drugs from you and you say she's using you as an emotional and financial crutch to get herself to Cali.


    Her still being in love with her ex seems like the least of your problems with this girl.

    Cut your losses.

    LRG on
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    ShogunShogun Hair long; money long; me and broke wizards we don't get along Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    People sometimes love their exes. If your girlfriend is one of these people, you can't expect her to just stop.

    However, the way she loves her ex is, presumably, not the same as the way she loves you. She's with you. As long as that doesn't change - that is to say, as long as she's not cheating, for example - then you really should just mind your own. Forget you ever read that essay.

    See this is a problem for me, though. I don't expect her to just stop, but if while she's with me, the first person on her mind when she thinks of love is her ex? That just doesn't sit right with me. I mean, I was married before this girl, and I was with my ex-wife for almost 5 years, and I loved her, and I still care about her but I don't love her, and she definitely doesn't come to mind when I think of love.

    What about the context of the document? Was it written for a class? An assignment? Because that does matter. And I wouldn't bring up the document with your girl. That constitutes 'snooping' and she will not like that one bit.

    Shogun on
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    ShogunShogun Hair long; money long; me and broke wizards we don't get along Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    LRG wrote: »
    She hid doing hard drugs from you and you say she's using you as an emotional and financial crutch to get herself to Cali.


    Her still being in love with her ex seems like the least of your problems with this girl.

    Cut your losses.

    Jesus Christ can one of these threads not go this way within ten posts? Every goddamn person in the world, including you, walks into a relationship with something to hide or at least something they aren't proud of.

    Do not listen to this person.

    Shogun on
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    LRGLRG Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Shogun wrote: »
    LRG wrote: »
    She hid doing hard drugs from you and you say she's using you as an emotional and financial crutch to get herself to Cali.


    Her still being in love with her ex seems like the least of your problems with this girl.

    Cut your losses.

    Jesus Christ can one of these threads not go this way within ten posts? Every goddamn person in the world, including you, walks into a relationship with something to hide or at least something they aren't proud of.

    Do not listen to this person.


    Dog, hiding the fact the she did cocain while they were living together ain't exactly walking into a realtionship with something to hid.

    LRG on
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    The CatThe Cat Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited March 2007
    People sometimes love their exes. If your girlfriend is one of these people, you can't expect her to just stop.

    However, the way she loves her ex is, presumably, not the same as the way she loves you. She's with you. As long as that doesn't change - that is to say, as long as she's not cheating, for example - then you really should just mind your own. Forget you ever read that essay.

    See this is a problem for me, though. I don't expect her to just stop, but if while she's with me, the first person on her mind when she thinks of love is her ex? That just doesn't sit right with me. I mean, I was married before this girl, and I was with my ex-wife for almost 5 years, and I loved her, and I still care about her but I don't love her, and she definitely doesn't come to mind when I think of love.

    Its not a great idea to go expecting total devotion from anyone, if only because you'll always be let down. That's life.

    As for the essay, it doesn't necessarily say a damn thing about her present state of mind with regard to you. I get emo about exes sometimes even though I'd rather be neck-deep in shit than in a relationship with them again. Its just a weird combination of nostalgia and a sense of 'the one that got away', I guess. I'd be a lot more worried about the drugs than this, basically.

    The Cat on
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    Captain CthulhuCaptain Cthulhu Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    LRG wrote: »
    Shogun wrote: »
    LRG wrote: »
    She hid doing hard drugs from you and you say she's using you as an emotional and financial crutch to get herself to Cali.


    Her still being in love with her ex seems like the least of your problems with this girl.

    Cut your losses.

    Jesus Christ can one of these threads not go this way within ten posts? Every goddamn person in the world, including you, walks into a relationship with something to hide or at least something they aren't proud of.

    Do not listen to this person.


    Dog, hiding the fact the she did cocain while they were living together ain't exactly walking into a realtionship with something to hid.

    Yeah she hid it from me, in that she only did it when I was at work and never told me about it. But when I confronted her about it she didn't lie and we went through a really rough period but things are okay now and I honestly don't think she would do it anymore after what we went through last time. Her using me as a crutch isn't me stating a fact, its the paranoia in my head speaking out. I have no evidence to suggest that she would just use me to get to California and then leave me, but in the mixed up state of my mind, it seems like a possibility. I mean, neither of us would be able to make the move on our own, so you could say that we're both using eachother as crutches, but as long as its out of love, I don't mind one bit.

    Captain Cthulhu on
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    LRGLRG Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    LRG wrote: »
    Shogun wrote: »
    LRG wrote: »
    She hid doing hard drugs from you and you say she's using you as an emotional and financial crutch to get herself to Cali.


    Her still being in love with her ex seems like the least of your problems with this girl.

    Cut your losses.

    Jesus Christ can one of these threads not go this way within ten posts? Every goddamn person in the world, including you, walks into a relationship with something to hide or at least something they aren't proud of.

    Do not listen to this person.


    Dog, hiding the fact the she did cocain while they were living together ain't exactly walking into a realtionship with something to hid.

    Yeah she hid it from me, in that she only did it when I was at work and never told me about it. But when I confronted her about it she didn't lie and we went through a really rough period but things are okay now and I honestly don't think she would do it anymore after what we went through last time. Her using me as a crutch isn't me stating a fact, its the paranoia in my head speaking out. I have no evidence to suggest that she would just use me to get to California and then leave me, but in the mixed up state of my mind, it seems like a possibility. I mean, neither of us would be able to make the move on our own, so you could say that we're both using eachother as crutches, but as long as its out of love, I don't mind one bit.

    If your past it, I guess.....

    I'm no square, but your SO of a year not telling you she was on hard illegal drugs is kind of a big thing. If it was found in your apartment, what do you think the cop woulda thought? Beside that, she couldn't even offer you some?

    I mean, shit.

    LRG on
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    Recoil42Recoil42 Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    talk to her, dude. just talk to her. Don't be afraid to do that. That's what fucks relationships up in the first place.

    If you can't talk to her about this, then you might as well listen to LRG's bullshit, because as cheesy-cliche as it sounds, the most important thing in a relationship really is communication of each other's feelings and worries.

    Recoil42 on
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    Captain CthulhuCaptain Cthulhu Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    LRG wrote: »
    LRG wrote: »
    Shogun wrote: »
    LRG wrote: »
    She hid doing hard drugs from you and you say she's using you as an emotional and financial crutch to get herself to Cali.


    Her still being in love with her ex seems like the least of your problems with this girl.

    Cut your losses.

    Jesus Christ can one of these threads not go this way within ten posts? Every goddamn person in the world, including you, walks into a relationship with something to hide or at least something they aren't proud of.

    Do not listen to this person.


    Dog, hiding the fact the she did cocain while they were living together ain't exactly walking into a realtionship with something to hid.

    Yeah she hid it from me, in that she only did it when I was at work and never told me about it. But when I confronted her about it she didn't lie and we went through a really rough period but things are okay now and I honestly don't think she would do it anymore after what we went through last time. Her using me as a crutch isn't me stating a fact, its the paranoia in my head speaking out. I have no evidence to suggest that she would just use me to get to California and then leave me, but in the mixed up state of my mind, it seems like a possibility. I mean, neither of us would be able to make the move on our own, so you could say that we're both using eachother as crutches, but as long as its out of love, I don't mind one bit.

    If your past it, I guess.....

    I'm no square, but your SO of a year not telling you she was on hard illegal drugs is kind of a big thing. If it was found in your apartment, what do you think the cop woulda thought? Beside that, she couldn't even offer you some?

    I mean, shit.

    Well she had only been doing it about once a week for a month or so when I found out. She ha justified doing it because I will occassionally drop some acid, I just have a pretty intense personal thing against coke and she knew that, which is why she never told me in the first place.
    Anyway, on the topic at hand I sent her an e-mail, which is lame I know, but I had to get it off my mind and I won't be seeing her for the next couple days because of our work schedules. So hopefully this will all be worked out one way or another tonight.

    Captain Cthulhu on
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    KurnDerakKurnDerak Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Well, there is one thing that might help make this clearer. Did she consider the ex in her paper her first love? If so, I think its understandable to want to write about that, because the first time you fall in love is a very big thing.

    I will have to agree with what was said by Walter. Talk to her, and make sure you both stay calm.

    KurnDerak on
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    LRGLRG Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    LRG wrote: »
    LRG wrote: »
    Shogun wrote: »
    LRG wrote: »
    She hid doing hard drugs from you and you say she's using you as an emotional and financial crutch to get herself to Cali.


    Her still being in love with her ex seems like the least of your problems with this girl.

    Cut your losses.

    Jesus Christ can one of these threads not go this way within ten posts? Every goddamn person in the world, including you, walks into a relationship with something to hide or at least something they aren't proud of.

    Do not listen to this person.


    Dog, hiding the fact the she did cocain while they were living together ain't exactly walking into a realtionship with something to hid.

    Yeah she hid it from me, in that she only did it when I was at work and never told me about it. But when I confronted her about it she didn't lie and we went through a really rough period but things are okay now and I honestly don't think she would do it anymore after what we went through last time. Her using me as a crutch isn't me stating a fact, its the paranoia in my head speaking out. I have no evidence to suggest that she would just use me to get to California and then leave me, but in the mixed up state of my mind, it seems like a possibility. I mean, neither of us would be able to make the move on our own, so you could say that we're both using eachother as crutches, but as long as its out of love, I don't mind one bit.

    If your past it, I guess.....

    I'm no square, but your SO of a year not telling you she was on hard illegal drugs is kind of a big thing. If it was found in your apartment, what do you think the cop woulda thought? Beside that, she couldn't even offer you some?

    I mean, shit.

    Well she had only been doing it about once a week for a month or so when I found out. She ha justified doing it because I will occassionally drop some acid, I just have a pretty intense personal thing against coke and she knew that, which is why she never told me in the first place.
    Anyway, on the topic at hand I sent her an e-mail, which is lame I know, but I had to get it off my mind and I won't be seeing her for the next couple days because of our work schedules. So hopefully this will all be worked out one way or another tonight.

    Ok, if that's how you guys get down. It sounded like you were straight and she was hiding a nice little drug addiction from you.

    Which apprently wouldn't be such a big deal because we all have those little things we arn't proud of.

    My bad.

    LRG on
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    Captain CthulhuCaptain Cthulhu Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    So she got online a little while ago but never replied. I'm 95% positive that she read the e-mail because she never does anythin gbut check her myspace and e-mail. So this doesn't seem like a very good sign that she just hasn't replied.

    Captain Cthulhu on
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    NightDragonNightDragon 6th Grade Username Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Give it a little more time...a day, at the least. Judging by your posts, you only gave it a few hours...and honestly, for all you know, maybe she went online first, then read the e-mail...or didn't read the e-mail...or read the e-mail and is wondering how to reply first...etc.

    Don't start freaking out just yet. :)

    NightDragon on
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    ShogunShogun Hair long; money long; me and broke wizards we don't get along Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    So she got online a little while ago but never replied. I'm 95% positive that she read the e-mail because she never does anythin gbut check her myspace and e-mail. So this doesn't seem like a very good sign that she just hasn't replied.

    You better stop right there mate. You're going to drive yourself insane by dwelling and over-analyzing. Just chill for the moment and talk to her tomorrow.

    Shogun on
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    RhinoRhino TheRhinLOL Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Cocaine is bad for people and animals. You should tell her that. I know you said she stopped, but just in case; you tell her it can cause bad health in her if she keeps doing it.


    What did you say to her online?

    How old are you two?

    Did you tell her that it upsets you that she writes letters of loving her ex-boyfreinds? Ask her why she writes those letters and then tell her - tell her good! That when she writes those letters it upsets you!

    Makes you anger. [shake your fist and says "makes me anger" and then tell; "Why you do this?"]

    Rhino on
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    LodbrokLodbrok Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    I think you are making this into a big problem a little to early. Bur you really need to sit down and talk about this face to face. The fact that she did not reply to your mail straight away is not that strange, would you have an answer to such a serious thing ready right away? As for the essay, it might not mean anything at all. Every time you fall in love is different, and especially when trying to analyze falling in love rationally, something that is done and in the past might make for easier and better writing. From what you have told us so far, it sounds like you two need to talk some things through, but I don't see the need to freak out just yet.

    Talk to her, soon, and in person.

    Lodbrok on
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    Captain CthulhuCaptain Cthulhu Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    KurnDerak wrote: »
    Well, there is one thing that might help make this clearer. Did she consider the ex in her paper her first love? If so, I think its understandable to want to write about that, because the first time you fall in love is a very big thing.

    I will have to agree with what was said by Walter. Talk to her, and make sure you both stay calm.

    So this was pretty much dead on and now not only do I feel like a total douche bag, but I've got all kinds of egg on my face.
    I have some serious trust issues because of past relationships, so I tend to be a retard and overanalyze everything, searching for something that's wrong/being kept from me/etc. I called her on my break here at work and she basically made me feel like the asshole that I am and of course I apologized profusely.
    And though our conversation ended on a pretty decent note she said "There are some things I've been meaning to talk to you about though, but I'll just reply to your e-mail" since my break was over and I had no more time to talk on the phone. So now, of course, I'm sitting here all paranoid again waiting for her e-mail.

    Captain Cthulhu on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited March 2007
    Now that more shit has hit more fans, you should point out that this is because of your past marriage and the fact that you two are talking about a serious move. Say that you trust her, which is why you emailed her to talk about it rather than try to do anything more rash.

    Unless, of course, your email was accusatory and was more than simply asking "what's up with this?"

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
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    KurnDerakKurnDerak Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    For right now, its most likely best to just wait for her to e-mail you, and than take it one step at a time from there.
    I know its much easier said than done, but don't be paranoid. That will only work you up and possibly make the situation worse. Stay calm, and take it one step at a time.

    KurnDerak on
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    SudsSuds Registered User regular
    edited March 2007
    I think you kinda flipped out a bit. I did this as well with my wife about a year ago. I found her livejournal account and saw an old post about how she'd always wondered what it would have been like to sleep with one of her exes (who she'd never slept with). The one who got away.

    It made me feel really insecure and all that. But she reminded me that she's with me, not with him. If she had wanted to be with him, she would have. She was still friends with this guy too.

    The guy turned out to be a total dick in the end and she hates his guts now. He professed his undying love to her while he was trashed on peach schnapps crying his eyes out and I was camping for the weekend with my friends. This was a month before our wedding. So yeah, he got turned down pretty hard. I wonder what his train of thought was. "You know what'll win her over, despite the fact she's obviously in love and getting married in a month? Getting drunk on peach schnapps and crying like a little baby."

    Suds on
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