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How do I tell my wife I want a divorce?
HAfakename
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Thread title is the crux of the problem.
Background:
Been married about 4 1/2 years.
Wife's depression issues have grown in that time -- she has been on and off of anti-depressants.
Wife's communication issues, i.e., things we talk about, things we are allowed to talk about, how things we talk about are phrased, have grown past stifling to suffocating.
I decided a few months ago that I wanted a divorce. I've talked to a therapist about it, as well as family and friends. While none told me I was wrong, no one has told me I am right and 'encouraged' me to do it.
My problem: her depression just kills me. Whenever she breaks down, she breaks all the way down, and it is horrible to be around. To be the direct cause of one of those breakdowns is terrifying to me. That, combined with my fear and procrastination, have led me to this point.
I know what I want to do, I know why and am sure of my reasoning.
I am just too afraid of causing such a hard mental breakdown (not to mention there is a pretty good chance she'll go bankrupt when we split up) that I find myself unable to go forward with it.
What can I do, in essence, to sack up? I mean, I know that's what I need to do. I just don't know how to do it, especially now, after 5 years of ceding so much of the communication and power in the relationship, how do I grab it back long enough to make my break?
Thanks in advance.
Background:
Been married about 4 1/2 years.
Wife's depression issues have grown in that time -- she has been on and off of anti-depressants.
Wife's communication issues, i.e., things we talk about, things we are allowed to talk about, how things we talk about are phrased, have grown past stifling to suffocating.
I decided a few months ago that I wanted a divorce. I've talked to a therapist about it, as well as family and friends. While none told me I was wrong, no one has told me I am right and 'encouraged' me to do it.
My problem: her depression just kills me. Whenever she breaks down, she breaks all the way down, and it is horrible to be around. To be the direct cause of one of those breakdowns is terrifying to me. That, combined with my fear and procrastination, have led me to this point.
I know what I want to do, I know why and am sure of my reasoning.
I am just too afraid of causing such a hard mental breakdown (not to mention there is a pretty good chance she'll go bankrupt when we split up) that I find myself unable to go forward with it.
What can I do, in essence, to sack up? I mean, I know that's what I need to do. I just don't know how to do it, especially now, after 5 years of ceding so much of the communication and power in the relationship, how do I grab it back long enough to make my break?
Thanks in advance.
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This discussion has been closed.
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That said, if you feel like you've put sufficient effort into the relationship with no forward progress on either of your parts, then I also suggest a third party for that discussion as well especially since it sounds like you're concerned about her wellbeing post discussion. Whether they're your or her personal therapist, or your couples counselor, having a neutral party there to wade through the difficult subject is a good idea.
Keep in mind that even though you're considering a divorce, that doesn't mean you won't ever have to interact with her again. Divorce in many cases is a long and drawn-out affair, that involves just as much negotiation and compromise as a marriage itself.
Due to the fact that it was pretty mutual, I didn't have to leave that night. We stayed living together for another month or so until I moved out. However, if you drop a surprise on someone, you really need to have an escape plan because it will be emotional and it will be painful. You want to divorce someone, which means a potentially messy legal situation and definitely some paperwork so that you never have to see another person again. If you've not talked about it with her, see if you can get a couples counselor to act as mediator. If you simply want to divorce her, create a plan for yourself and where you can stay and what to do with your stuff. Since you're married now, there are issues of abandonment and so on, so communication is key. Does she have family that can help her out? You may need to make those phone calls for her if her depression is so debilitating.
I do think it is a conversation she needs to be present in at this point, and you should definitely consider a therapist or other neutral mediator.
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Counseling is a good idea, but... you seem sure. Do you still love her and want to repair things? If not I don't know if want to drag her in there with the promise of repairing things only to be like "actually I just wanted a stranger to help me tell you it's over."
Is it a bad thing to have a third-party walk them through the process of separating if it comes to that? I'm not being facetious, but looking at these threads it doesn't seem like such a bad idea.
If you can't tell your wife you want out, man, that's probably the whole fucking problem of the relationship right there.
Lawyers walk you through divorces. Couples counselors are for helping you learn to communicate to fix your relationship. If you don't want to fix your relationship there is nothing for them to do.
I see your perspective, ceres, but I disagree
When my ex and I were considering splitting we headed to a counselor to improve our communication skills in general--it certainly didn't keep the marriage together but it definitely made the divorce process much less painful because we were able to speak to one another rationally (for the most part). If we hadn't gone through that I was worried there would have been a lot more screaming and possibly violence, but that's my individual case and not necessarily the norm.
And I will say I was relieved to have another person in the room that didn't have a vested interest in either side (as a lawyer would undoubtedly have) during our final conversations, it made me feel so much safer and less vulnerable.
e: And just a bit more perspective, we had a generally amicable divorce, pro se (no lawyers), no alimony, no communal property, and it still took nearly a year to get the divorce finalized, so those communication skills we learned were invaluable.
While I also understand the idea of easing the discussion towards divorce, this is not always practical and can border on being unfair and dishonest. Sure, if it has been mutually discussed before hand, it becomes easier, but in the case where part of the problem is that one partner is monopolizing power over communication, this just isn't always an option.
The best way to start the conversation is the simplest way: sit down on a day where you have nothing else planned, because this initial conversation can be a bit consuming, and say plainly and clearly: "I want a divorce." Don't be angry or accusing, simply state that this is what you want. Stay as calm as possible and know that the initial goal is not to start working out all the details, but just to let the concept itself sink in out in the open. That lets the cat out of the bag and then plan for conversation to go on from there over an undefined, but usually extended, length of time.
However, be sure you are ready in a practical sense before you initiate this conversation. Know the laws of your state regarding divorce. Know the name of a lawyer you can work with. Know that, while your first instinct may be to leave the house, that this could have repercussions later in the legal process of divorce.
As far as how she will handle it, while it is important to be considerate and understanding, it sounds like she has potentially used, consciously or unconsciously, the threat of emotional break downs as a control lever on you. This sort of manipulation is in every way as emotionally abusive as the more overt methods. Know this and understand that this is going to be hard enough on you and, to put it bluntly, you need to take care of yourself. This is going to be exhausting and trying too hard to "make it easier" is going to leave you open to further potential abuse and manipulation.
If she has an extreme reaction and you literally fear for her health, contact her loved ones (i.e. family, friends) at that time or, in volatile circumstances, appropriate authorities. I still believe the initial conversation should just be the two of you, since it will already be difficult enough without bringing in third parties. Depending on how that first talk goes, you can decide if mediators need to be consistently involved.
All that said, it is going to be tough. I have been in a similar situation and it remains the hardest thing I ever did in my life. I wanted all the best for her, but I was not willing to live the one life I get as a victim.
As far as the relationship itself, one thing really suck out to me: Where you said "The things we're allowed to talk about". Huge red flag. There should be very few if any boundaries in conversation with your spouse. If she has actually setup a series of rules in terms of what you are allowed to talk about, and in what way, and at what time, that's a huge problem. That means she is setting up boundaries so she doesn't have to deal with difficult issues. That's a relationship killer.
As far as I'm concerned this is the most relevant advice yet to be posted in this thread, and I'm not sure what I could even add to it.
It bears repeating that you are going to want to consult a lawyer, if for no other reason than your own protection. They will know the process of divorce in your state, and they will be there to advocate on your behalf from an emotionally disinterested place. This is more important than you think, because you may end up finding out that the only person that thinks you are having an amicable divorce is you. They will tell you how long it to expect it to take, because some states take longer than others. Contrary to some people's experience, mine only took three weeks.
GIS is evil
Yeah, the guy who was a best man is a family law attorney, so I have all that aspect covered for the moment.
The couples counselor makes a lot of sense and I think I will try to go that way.
I appreciate the good advice!
In my case, I was in an abusive relationship that started on the emotional and psych side, but crossed into the physical.
Nuts and Bolts things:
Do not sleep together anymore, period. Grab a spot on the couch.
Jerk off the morning before the conversation - sex can and will be used as a weapon. If you arent horny, its ineffective and will just come off as pathetic.
When you have the conversaton, be firm in what you want - which is out. It isn't about whose fault it is, or what reasons there are, you just want out. Never waver - because odds are she WILL bargain with you to get you to stay.
Be prepared to surrender the stuff -the beds, the couches, the shitty little knick kacks. Seriously minimize and consider what you actually need. Give up the the TV, the end tables, the books, ect. Tell her, "Go for it, Take it all!"
She'll have all the crappy shit that will eventually fall apart and be garbage in 2-5 years.
You'll get your life back.
All in all, get out ASAP, because leading this on further will just make it worse for her.
Also, if you use a joint checking account you might want to start putting your income in a separate bank account. While it doesn't affect how property is divvied up at divorce and you will still have to share your income, I have heard plenty of horror stories of one spouse draining a joint bank account out of spite, and it can complicate any divorce proceeding. It doesn't sound like that's how she'd respond, but you never know. You may want to put small valuables (jewelry, electronics etc.) that could be destroyed or taken out of spite in a deposit box.
I feel for you. I have been there. The first thing you need to understand is that this is going to hurt, no matter how you do it. There is no point in sugar coating it for her. Don't give her a false hope. If things are over for you, then tell her this. You don't have to go into detail as to why. You don't have to rationalize it. If it's over, then it's over.
I would honestly go fill out the paperwork and file for divorce. You should at least have a proposal for dividing the assets. Doing so in a fair and balanced way before you broach the subject with her might save you a fight. I would double check the laws concerning debt also. Where I live getting a divorce makes your spouse liable for their debt, but debt collectors could still come after me and garnish me, and then it's up to me to get that money back from my Ex. I ended up having to file bankruptcy, even though the majority of the debt was hers.