finding my 'herd' - how to make friends as an adult

justanothergamer

I'm a 24 year old woman, currently going to school and working a part time job.

I had a small group of people in high school that I was/am friends with, but we're all pretty much scattered all over the globe, and I don't live in my hometown anymore.

I've been struggling to make new friends ever since I got out of HS. I had a really rough time my first year of college, got placed in a dorm with a group of women that I just did not mesh with and they made life hell for me; since then I've had an incredibly hard time finding any friends that stick.

I'm sad and I'm lonely. My love life is great but I need more than just an SO. I want friends, I just can't seem to find my 'herd', find a group of people I really get along with well and who I can make a solid connection with. It seems like everyone I meet already knows a ton of people in this area, has a very close group of friends and while they aren't mean to me, they just don't really open the ranks for me to join in. I've tried to seek others out to hang out but I feel so self conscious of coming across as desperate, and nothing ever seems to pan out.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

vhannroy

When I went to college I just joined clubs that I had interest in and over time a few people here and there have stuck around long enough that I consider them friends. I think that is a good place to start. You already have common interest or you would not been going to the club so striking up convos will not not be to difficult.

k-maps

EDIT: nevermind, too late for me.

schuss

Honestly, just keep trying. You'll find people eventually. Just find hobbies that give you an excuse to venture out (rockclimbing is good, even if you're bad at it, since most people are bad at it and it's naturally social to some extent) and keep doing it until you find people. Know that it often takes a LONG time to establish your people, and most established groups are just established because they've known each other since grade school, not because they have things in common.
25-30 is "finding a lot of things out about yourself" territory, so just keep at it, people will open up.

JAEF

I found a lot of local events and amigos through my city's subreddit. My city is a lot more active than others when it comes to events though (there are 2-8 a week through the group.) This might be a possibility for you depending on where you live.

yourcity.reddit.com

Curly_Brace

I've met almost all my friends by being honest and open about my interests. When someone asks me what I do for fun, I don't just say "play video games" or "read books." I name specifics. I've met about half my friends this way in casual social situations like waiting in a doctor's office.

The other half I've met through local conventions, meetup.com groups, gaming stores, and other friends. It took plenty of effort to sift through people, as it were, to find folks I really connected with. It'll take time, so be patient.

Dhalphir

my wife and I were having this exact problem. I've never been big on gatherings of friends, and she moved from Europe to live here in Australia with me, so her friends were all back home.

We've made a great group of friends through joining a tae kwon do club, and I can strongly recommend that.

Quid

I might be over simplifying things but have you just tried talking to class mates before class?

Kyougu

Have you tried meetup.com? I gone into lenghts why it's so great (if you're in the right city) but it's definitely worth a shot.

zepherin

There are also pax and PA meetups in most cities. If you live in MD you can join us if you'd like. However most major cities have some kind of meetup, check the PAX thread.

TL DR

As you get older (especially as you leave school), developing meaningful friendships is dependent on shared interests or hobbies. So it's up to you whether you want your social circle attached to something self-destructive like boozing or something edifying like sport or yoga or volunteerism or the arts or something you may find to be more meaningful.

Volunteer.

Take lessons / join a club of some sort. I prefer physical activities like yoga and kickboxing and hiking but you may enjoy cooking or chess!

Basically anything that forces you to interact with people you don't know. Treat your comfort zone as something to be challenged, not shied away from.

TL DR

And there is nothing weird or desperate-sounding about wanting friends. Casually mentioning that 'yeah, I'm really looking for cool people to hang out with' is an awesome way to encourage people to reach out when they might otherwise not.

Jam Warrior

Meet people who like doing the things you like by going to events where that thing happens.

meetup.com groups, classes of some kind, voluntary work, sports teams.

Whatever floats your boat. Just get out there and doing a thing and make the effort to talk to folk while you do so.

justanothergamer

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I'll look again into clubs on my campus; though the ones I'm really interested in (like a minecraft club) seem to have been abandonend so I'm not sure how active they truly are.

I'll try to keep that mind @schuss. It definitely is a lot of "we grew up together so we all know each other" around here, doesn't help that I keep moving, and I know I'm moving again in a year and a half to complete my degree ><

@JAEF I checked out my city on reddit and the last post was....... 5 months ago, hahaha!

Hey @Quid, yes I've talked to people before/after class but for whatever reason it just feels awkward trying to translate that into hanging out outside of school. It's worse than asking someone out on a date! :P

@Kyougu I'll keep an eye on meetup.com, there weren't any groups that really sparked my interest right now but maybe something will come up or I can think of my own group.

Reverend_Chaos

You might have better luck if you alter your focus slightly. Instead of roaming around with the specific intent of finding someone you can befriend and who will befriend you back, or a 'pre-made' group that you hope will allow you to join. Instead, find some activities that you enjoy that you would like to go and do. Meetup is a good option, depending on your area. Go and just try to enjoy yourself and if you like it, keep going and the friends will just happen. Otherwise you risk coming off as desperate and clingy and that is a huge turn-off for a potential friend. Friends generally just boil down to shared interests.

schuss

Also, I'll say that you won't find your people until you're happy with yourself, so just do things that make you happy, do some things you may think you want to do that require some leaps of faith and do some things that keep you in the world. You'll be amazed at how many people are in the same boat. Also, things like dodgeball leagues are another great way to meet fun people who don't take themselves too seriously.

tapeslinger

Yeah, casual social groups are the best place to meet people who are also interested in meeting new people, I think. It's a good idea to try activities that are tangential to things you already like, but ideally with potential to learn more each time you attend; fiber arts, or sports, or paper crafts, or bartending classes, or even book clubs or similar. I find the 'learning new things' part helps me to be more confident and social.

Blake T

Your OP doesn't list anything that you actually do.

Most friendships are made from a common activity or interest.

Think about something you do, or want to do and look it up in your area.

CelestialBadger

You just can't make friends as an adult in the same way as in school. The friendships you make as an adult aren't necessarily the deep bonds formed by people who grew up together. Those days are done. You tend to make shallower but easier connections, and adults like their space. You replace the tight-knit circle of friends you tend to get in school with a looser connection of various circles of people who probably don't even know each other - your knitting group, your book group, your LARP, your parent association etc. They may not want to hang out on your bed discussing boys for 3 hours every evening (and then another 3 by phone), but it doesn't mean they don't like you.

EggyToast

You say your love life is fine, which to me implies you have a steady partner. Why not steal your partner's friends, or take those friends and see what their partners are doing or into?

If you live in a small town where everyone just "knows each other," you may also be stuck where your herd simply isn't around. Or they're all staying inside hanging out with their friends that they've just known since forever. Most cities have SOMETHING going on, though, but you may just be in the middle of nowhere, too.

k-maps

EggyToast wrote: »

You say your love life is fine, whuich to me implies you have a steady partner. Why not steal your partner's friends, or take those friends and see what their partners are doing or into?

If you live in a small town where everyone just "knows each other," you may also be stuck where your herd simply isn't around. Or they're all staying inside hanging out with their friends that they've just known since forever. Most cities have SOMETHING going on, though, but you may just be in the middle of nowhere, too.

So true. My social life improved enormously since I started my new school. Never been better. Looking back, my old school just didn't have the kind of people I clicked with. Something to keep in mind.