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Depression Ho!
ThisismyHAalt
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Surprised this name wasn't taken. Hm. Anyway.
I've wrestled with depression basically my entire life, but in the last few months it's gotten extremely bad. I really don't want to do anything anymore, and when I come home from work I tend to just want to go to bed. I know this is really bad, but I just feel like crap all the time. I can't sleep when I need to sleep, and any time I should be active all I want to do is sleep.
I'm not pleasant to be around anymore, and I snap at people without very much provoking. Even places on the internet I thought were fairly safe for me are now dangerous and I've alienated everyone I know. I haven't made a real life friend in years (since I graduated college) and every day I wake up for work I contemplate just leaving. I hate my work which doesn't help, and it's theoretically a good job (just not for me) and in a shitty economy I just feel like a jackass complaining about it.
I've gone to therapy for years off and on, but I really can't afford it or the time to do it, and it never really accomplished all that much. So I'm not particularly sure where to go from here, but I'm worried that after PAX I might just plummet into some sort of abyss. PAX has sort of been what's kept me going for the last 2 years, but some things have happened and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep going.
Basically I'm in a sort of spiral wherein I can't do anything because I'm depressed, and then I'm depressed because I never do anything.
I'm not really sure where this is going, and I'm not sure why I felt compelled to type it all of a sudden. I know what the problem is, I just don't know how to fix it. If you got this far, thanks for reading about my silly issues.
I've wrestled with depression basically my entire life, but in the last few months it's gotten extremely bad. I really don't want to do anything anymore, and when I come home from work I tend to just want to go to bed. I know this is really bad, but I just feel like crap all the time. I can't sleep when I need to sleep, and any time I should be active all I want to do is sleep.
I'm not pleasant to be around anymore, and I snap at people without very much provoking. Even places on the internet I thought were fairly safe for me are now dangerous and I've alienated everyone I know. I haven't made a real life friend in years (since I graduated college) and every day I wake up for work I contemplate just leaving. I hate my work which doesn't help, and it's theoretically a good job (just not for me) and in a shitty economy I just feel like a jackass complaining about it.
I've gone to therapy for years off and on, but I really can't afford it or the time to do it, and it never really accomplished all that much. So I'm not particularly sure where to go from here, but I'm worried that after PAX I might just plummet into some sort of abyss. PAX has sort of been what's kept me going for the last 2 years, but some things have happened and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to keep going.
Basically I'm in a sort of spiral wherein I can't do anything because I'm depressed, and then I'm depressed because I never do anything.
I'm not really sure where this is going, and I'm not sure why I felt compelled to type it all of a sudden. I know what the problem is, I just don't know how to fix it. If you got this far, thanks for reading about my silly issues.
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Posts
Red for depression speaking. Lime for moment of self-awareness. More red for depression.
You sort of answered your own question. But let me do what therapists are qualified to do and rephrase what you just told us in a way that makes sense: you say you are depressed and that is why you never do anything. Then before that you say you don't see the point in therapy. This is obviously a depressed way of thinking. Your issues are not "silly;" depression is a debilitating illness and you should be talking to a professional. I also had to shop around until I found someone that I liked, but when I finally did, it was invaluable in fighting my depression. Many people have had the same experience. Not to mention that just getting out of the house to see someone, anyone, is loads better than lying in bed all day. But you know this, so just do what you need to do.
Not to push you into something that might be unnecessary, but have you considered asking a doctor if you should take an antidepressant? I was in therapy for a year for my own depression with little effect, and it wasn't until a psychiatrist recommended that I try Prozac that I started seeing a significant improvement.
I still have my "down moods", and the way I best drag myself out of them is to get up and do stuff. It's a pain in the arse in the beginning because I'm doing things my brain is screaming at me it doesn't have the willpower or energy to do, but the more I push myself to get active the further I can drag myself out of the slump. It doesn't have to be an extraordinary activity, either: even little things like cooking a meal or doing laundry help.
Having been in a similar situation, I'll share a notion that helped me: Maintain a clear distinction between "can't" and "won't".
It's not that you "can't" go to a coffee shop, a bar, a comic shop, or another location, It's not that you "can't" alter your behavior. It's that you "won't" or "are not inclined to" alter your behavior. You are, I imagine, perfectly physically capable of changing your location. The problem is that you are not emotionally inclined to do so. But that restriction is in yourself, well-within your own sphere of influence.
There are times when I have been depressed and found that realization helpful. I'm not inclined to go out with friends, and I'll think of it as an impossible act, but then after I think about it for a while I realize that I can put on pants and walk out my front door. I then do so for the sake of trying to make myself feel better.
Another helpful thought, for me, is the realization that counselors / therapists are not shamans who have magical spells they cast on you to remove depression. They're just people who listen to what you say, and repeat what you say back to you in a different way. That's something you are equipped to do, as well.
For me those thoughts are helpful: I have the tools to help myself. I just have to use them. And while I may not be inclined to use them, I am able to use them when I am so inclined. Once I get that idea up and running it's just an issue of getting myself inclined to act differently. My assumption is that you have that inclination, to some degree, given that you made the thread.
Hopefully at least one of those ideas is helpful, to you. You may not feel like altering your behavior, but you are physically capable of doing so. At some point you just have to force yourself to put on pants and walk out your front door.
Therapists can't pour happiness into you. They can only help you to help yourself, and finding the willpower to turn your life around can be very hard. But once you start taking the first steps, and keep going even when it feels hopeless, it gets easier and easier.
I was on Zoloft for a few years, but my therapist backed me off it. Haven't looked into it again, but I suppose I could try.
Mostly on the therapy front, I just never got much out of the appointments. I went pretty constantly from age 12 to 24, and I know that you have to put in the effort to get results, but I did and never really accomplished much.
Thanks for the help everyone. I know I need to just get out and do stuff, but I guess sometimes it helps if other people say so too.