Made a series of bad personal decisions

Botznoy

I've done goofed and recently burned the bridge between me and my best friend/ex

My ex and I dated for about a year, 3 years ago before she moved to another city for university. We stayed close friends and we were often the only real friend we have for each other which meant we developed a quasi-emotional-relationship thing. When she'd come back up we'd occasionally hook up (not sex mind you, mostly kissing and what not) this went on until last year

When i met another girl, we hit it off etc started flirting getting to know each other as people do if they like each other romantically but at this same time i'm still seeing and hooking up with my ex. there was an overlap of maybe a month or so where i was seeing the girl and my ex when she was up. I stopped engaging in those activities with my ex and focused on my new lady friend.
Time goes on and my lady friend dumps me over facebook while she's in singapore and then gets with another guy etc etc (this is irrelevant to my current issue) So this stirs up unresolved feelings for emotional attachment and does a number on my self esteem, confidence and general emotional well being.

At this time my ex whom i rely upon for emotional support (i have a weird support structure) also gets a boyfriend, which i am happy for her, but at the same time crushes me.

So time goes on and i'm feeling glum constantly, and so is my ex, we cheer each other up and i finally decide to tell her ALL about the ex who dumped me in singapore and how i'd been seeing her while i was hooking up with my ex. completely within reason she flips and i realise i've burnt the bridge and friendship and everything between us.

So now i'm sitting here sick to my stomach, flailing at trying to fix this as best as i can and as far as i can tell. failing hard.

It's hard to tell a story where you know you have willingly made a immoral decision and betrayed trust this much so these are not the complete facts as i'm still in denial about it.

What i'm asking is that should i keep trying to fix this issue, or is the consensus of the considered gents here one of; You've messed up, and you deserve your consequences

Colt45

Well it sounds like you and this ex have weathered a lot of storms together, so if you want to I say go for it.

That being said, will you grow as a person from having her out of your life? It seems like the two of you have a tough time being just friends, and have a lot of unresolved stuff floating around. It is probably damaging to her current relationship and any that you may have as well if the two of you see each other much. I would consider the ramifications of your relationship of the two of you can't decide on one(dating) or the other(friendship). My brother has had a lot of relationships messed up because he will drop everything or an ex that's "just a friend" so he can be with her when she's on leave/in town. Think about that.

Botznoy

Aye we've been through a lot between us and I get where your coming from and I appreciate your words. There is obviously unresolved issues but she lives in another city

azith28

Well, if what you said was true that no sex was involved with your ex, and shes got a boyfriend yet still wanted to hang around for kissy time then i have to feel like shes got little right to feel all that upset with you. It doesnt sound like youve been in a real relationship with her for some time, and anything youve had might be classified as Friends with benefits. So while yeah she might feel a bit surprised and shocked that you didnt share the fact with her, unless she was expecting you to get together again eventually, unless that was implied, she shouldnt feel like you having a girlfriend is something she has to approve of. Especially if the 'overlap' was still in the 'starting to date' stage.

While yeah, I would classify dating two women at the same time a reciepe for disaster, you dont sound like you were really dating your ex. you were friends sure, but you were using each other as far as any emotional or physical actions were concered.

If she flipped her lid at this news, (and granted im going by only the above which is a very general explaination of the encounter), then maybe she was hoping to get back with you, only to have that dashed. if thats not what you want, and thats what she wants then breaking up this way may have been an inevitability.

If you think thats not the case, that you can have a real friendship with her, then try to hang on to the friendship you have, but i cant help but think the reaction as im reading it is over the top for someone who you arent really 'dating', unless she wanted more.

Dr. Frenchenstein

if you guys were really just playing kissy face and had no intention of having a committed relationship, she really doesn't have any grounds to be pissed at you, unless you were messing with her while committed to the other girl.

Kias

Yeah, kind of agreeing that a little cuddling/kissing here and there isn't grounds for a committed relationship. When sex is involved there is the practical risk of STD's and potential for pregnancy which requires a certain level of commitment, but a cuddle buddy situation just is not that binding unless there was some misleading going on or you both had actually agreed to be seeing no one else. It's actually pretty common to casually date multiple people until you decide to commit.

But back to your question, sure you can bridge the gap. If you two have been such good friends for awhile, then this is just a bump in the road. People can forgive a lot more than what you have put up, just apologize for offending her and contextualize your actions by pointing out that you were not in a committed relationship and there was no intention to deceive or mislead. Point out how much the friendship means and ask for her to understand.

If she is someone you want as your friend, she will come around eventually. If she tries to use this against you, manipulate you, won't let it go, etc., then you just found out she was a fair-weather friend at best and better to know now than after you start to develop stronger feelings for her.

WildEEP

. . . you guy sound REALLLLY Young.

If all you ever did was snuggle, kiss, and hold hands..... that wasn't a serious relationship. Hell... imagine taking that to an extreme - you'd be in trouble with random girls from kindergarten.

Now its true you should have been honest with her the whole time..its not the physical thing thats gotten you in trouble, its the fact that you couldnt trust her enough to talk about it.

If she comes through - learn a lesson from this, and move on.
If she doesn't come through - learn the lesson from this, and move on.

But don't think this is because you were "Cheating" . . . anyone who thinks this is cheating is infantile.

Botznoy

WildEEP wrote: »

. . . you guy sound REALLLLY Young.

If all you ever did was snuggle, kiss, and hold hands..... that wasn't a serious relationship. Hell... imagine taking that to an extreme - you'd be in trouble with random girls from kindergarten.

Now its true you should have been honest with her the whole time..its not the physical thing thats gotten you in trouble, its the fact that you couldnt trust her enough to talk about it.

If she comes through - learn a lesson from this, and move on.
If she doesn't come through - learn the lesson from this, and move on.

But don't think this is because you were "Cheating" . . . anyone who thinks this is cheating is infantile.

When we were actually dating we were doing more than what you described bit after we broke up we ended up keeping on doing what you described because engaging in further sexual activities after ending our relationship was an emotional commitment that we weren't going to make.

Again yes I'm young I am twenty and like all of us were continuing to grow and learn.

Now during the overlap I only told my ex that I'd met someone I was interested in and at that time it was true. There was no physicality or evidence of commitment between us.


Azith-
When we were both in committed relationships there was no physical relations between us and again yes the overlap occurred over the period where I had recently met the new girl and was still getting to her. There was no commitment at that stage.

After having a nights sleep I have and it appears the consensus was that her reaction was perhaps too much. Hopefully I can get her to see that and otherwise it is for the best to not have the baggage of my ex around as the first commenter described. Sorry I don't know your name scrolling while making a message is hard on my hpone

TPSou

As someone who has kind of been in a similar situation, I would say just give it some time as those kind of relationships are quite strong, but can also be a little damaging as I know in my case it stopped me from moving on. But at the time it was good to have someone as a rock to depend on and even if we argued about other things, it all comes back together eventually.

The only warning I'd give is really don't do anything to damage your ex's new relationship. You really don't want to be that guy and you'll hate yourself for it later on, so if he's got with someone new it might be a good idea to cool off any of the intimacy you're used to at least.

ceres

I would probably let this one go, personally. It's somewhat telling that she's this upset about something that happened when you weren't even really together. That feels like a little more than just baggage.. to me it points to emotions that she maybe hasn't resolved yet. It seems like you two have been using each other as something of a crutch over the years, and it's probably going to be healthiest for both of you to move on at this point.

Botznoy

ceres wrote: »

I would probably let this one go, personally. It's somewhat telling that she's this upset about something that happened when you weren't even really together. That feels like a little more than just baggage.. to me it points to emotions that she maybe hasn't resolved yet. It seems like you two have been using each other as something of a crutch over the years, and it's probably going to be healthiest for both of you to move on at this point.

Yeah after spending time thinking about it i agree with what you're saying and it might be the for the best simply to let it go at this stage. We've been using each other as a crutch so yeah about time to walk away from it. See how it works out over the next few days

Botznoy

So after all is said and done, we talked it out over about four hours and ultimately decided that the day where we would have to part ways is going to occur anyway, affirmed that we've both been beneficial too each other and that now it's time for us to break contact and move on alone.

Colt45

That is very mature.

Botznoy

Colt45 wrote: »

That is very mature.

Thank you, it's one of those growing up and humbling experiences for me.