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She said no...now what?
Kyougu
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
A couple of months ago I ended up meeting this girl that I really felt I clicked with. After going through my usual "Should I..shouldn't I?" phase, I asked her out, and even though she said no things weren't awkward and I figured at worst I had made a new friend.
Fast forward to now...
I'm starting to realize that I can't hang out with her anymore, as I clearly still infatuated with her. We actually do a lot of stuff one on one (to the point where some people have asked if we're dating
), and get along fantastically. I enjoy our time together, but at the same time I have to admit that it's a bit crushing to realize that the reason we're not dating is most likely cause there's no attraction. I tried moving on (met other girls, have a profile in OkCupid, etc) to no advail.
So now I'm realizing I need to at least put some space between me and her. I can already imagine that the moment she starts dating someone i'll crush me if I continue this way. So how do I do this? Like I said, we hang out enough together where if I just stop she'll realize something up. What's the best way to phrase it? Or should I just try to get over this?
Fast forward to now...
I'm starting to realize that I can't hang out with her anymore, as I clearly still infatuated with her. We actually do a lot of stuff one on one (to the point where some people have asked if we're dating
), and get along fantastically. I enjoy our time together, but at the same time I have to admit that it's a bit crushing to realize that the reason we're not dating is most likely cause there's no attraction. I tried moving on (met other girls, have a profile in OkCupid, etc) to no advail.So now I'm realizing I need to at least put some space between me and her. I can already imagine that the moment she starts dating someone i'll crush me if I continue this way. So how do I do this? Like I said, we hang out enough together where if I just stop she'll realize something up. What's the best way to phrase it? Or should I just try to get over this?
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Make plans with other people.
If she calls and asks, you're busy.
This is easier said than done, but avoid thinking about her. Hang out with friends to help distract you.
Just stop contacting her as often, stop hanging out with her as often as you do. You already realize that it's going to go nowhere; be content that you have a friend. The longer you delay the more it's going to suck.
Reduce the amount of one on one time spent together less and less, till it's at a point where you're comfortable seeing her just as a friend and nothing more. If she asks just be honest, there's no need to lie. Say that you still like her, but since you know nothing will come of it, it's only going to ruin what friendship you have now whenever it does end. And it is going to end; you get to choose how you'd like it to go: on good terms or bad; knowing that you can still keep her as a friend or if you delay further, you end up crushed and bitter.
Stop making efforts to be around her. I don't know how to make it any simpler than this.
Anyway you already know what you should do, you basically just want a bit of sympathy. I sympathise, because I totally failed to do what you already know you need to to and it ended incredibly badly. Don't be appallingly stupid like me. Be smart.
So any time you're thinkiing about doing something, run it through this little flow chart
Hey, there's a thing I want to do! --> Does it involve this girl?
=> Yes -> don't do it - > Did you do it anyway?
==> Yes -> Son, you fucked up. Don't do that again.
==> No -> Good man! You score +1 Getting Over Her point
=> No -> OK sure go ahead! -> Wait! Does it involve the phrase "Hey, watch this!"
==> Yes -> Well make sure you have a friend filming you on his phone so I can watch it on youtube
==> No -> OK that's probably for the best.
You don't want her to think you don't like her as a friend, and if you do group things together you don't want them to turn awkward. You just want to not do one-on-one things with her. But, you also don't want to say "I still looooooove you and it's tearing me apart!" So don't. Say that the time you're spending together makes YOU feel that you're moving in that direction, and you don't want to get stuck in a situation where you have feelings for her that you already know aren't mutual.
Essentially, you're trying to friend-break-up with her while still keeping her as a friend. That's tough, so don't spend too much time talking about your emotions with her.
You feel attraction to her. You are not going to stop feeling attraction to her. So quietly stop seeing her. I would avoid explaining it in detail to be honest unless she brings it up, at which point just be honest and and brief.
It's also okay, as long as you're being honest about it, to frame the conversation in such a way that you just need some time. If you think you more than need time, don't say that, of course.
It makes you more desirable to be seen with an attractive member of the opposite sex, and if she is truly your friend than she would have no problems helping you snag a date.
However, if you can get over your feelings for her, having a good female friend can do wonders for your love life. Most women have lots of female friends, so getting introduced into her circle becomes a very easy way to meet more women. In addition, as Reverend_Chaos stated, having a wingwoman around is really helpful when meeting female strangers.
It's really this simple.
Treat romantic interests like any other person.
I'll have to agree with everyone else here. You need time and distance but if you'd like to still be friends after, you ought to have a little talk with her before you disappear from her life for a bit. Nothing drawn out or anything, just let her know you're not going to be around for a while so you can sort your feelings out. It's just kind of rude otherwise. I think Eggy put it best:
I'm in the exact same phase right now as I had my talk with her last Saturday and I know it's stupid difficult so I'm pulling for you. Good luck!
Or hookers. They work pretty good too.
No they don't. Also no advising people to do illegal things.
Hookers aren't always illegal... A trip to Vegas and a few hours in a cat house will give him some perspective on whether he's feeling love or lust for his friend. It's funny how often people confuse the two.
Getting back on the proverbial horse and allowing yourself to be emotionally vulnerable after romantic disappointment is a very important step to moving forward with one's life; however, this should not be confused with the mantra "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." It's certainly distracting, but so's hard liquor. You wouldn't tell someone in Kyougu's position to drink away the pain, would you?
It depends on the person's maturity level I suppose. I found myself in a situation very similar to the OPs once. I was really into this woman and we had a great time together. I loved hanging out with her and she seemed to like hanging out with me. For the better part of a year we were best friends, we did everything together. Of course after a while I asked her if she wanted to be more than just friends and was rejected much like the OP. I was incredibly conflicted. Whenever someone says what the ideal marriage partner is, they always say they should be your best friend. But obviously it takes more than opposite genders and friendship to make that happen.
I began obsessing over the situation and her internally. It came to the point where I was becoming angry about it and depressed about it, and just generally tore up inside.
So after a lot of internal discord I decided to go get [redacted] and then [redacted] and a little [redacted]. Then spent a lot of time thinking. I was able to realize that [redacted] and love are very different things. Getting good and [redacted] can help the over hormoned male of the human species get some perspective on the difference. While being in a romantic relationship with your best friend is certainly the best potential situation, and everyone should strive for that, your romantic partner does not need to be your best friend as long as you still have similar life goals if not similar interests.
It took a long time of cooling off but I sorted myself out. I have since found a fiancee who I don't share a whole lot of interests with, but do share a whole lot of life goals with, and that's just fine.
The more time I spend with my fiancee and the more shared interests we cultivate, the less I see of my old friend. It's usually only when mutual friends would invite both of us some place. Maybe it's just my over inflated male ego, but I think she started dropping some hints that she was reconsidering my original request after she broke up with her long term boyfriend. However, over time I have come to realize what my friend and I had would have been great as just friends, but if we had tried to make it more it would have failed. It would have failed because while we shared a lot of the same interests, we didn't share much in the way of life goals.
So things usually work out in the end. And sometimes getting [redacted] with a [redacted] can help clear up some hormones and allow the handful of braincells that the young adult male has available to him to operate efficiently in order to get some perspective.
Note: [Redacted] due to [redacted] being "objectively terrible."
Time and distance. That's it. There's no magic bullet here.
Depressed people do this with money, their looks, their past, and it usually goes like: "if I only had X, then I would be happy". Any time where you find yourself thinking like this, you're bound to go through a long bout of self-defeating depression.
When it comes to your happiness you should always "diversify your investments". Even if you were dating her, it would not be good for your happiness to depend on the relationship. What you need to do (and what I'm trying to do) is to reteach yourself how to be happy without her.
Nothing IMO does this better than travelling somewhere else, preferably far away. This does three things: (1) gives you distance from her and mutual friends; (2) gives you distance from places that trigger memories of her; (3) shows you how miniscule and insignificant your interaction with her is compared to the giant world that's out there. I found that even though my ex and I broke up in a LDR, everything around me still reminded me of her, because I was sitting In my room when she called me to break up, eating at the restaurant when she visited, and took the bus to the airport when she left. Changing your environment will liberate you from these memories, and show you there are billions of people in the world who are living happily without even knowing who she is. At any rate, if you have a chance/the means to pull it off, I'd highly recommend going off somewhere for a while. Sounds dramatic, but it basically works like rehab.
Mountains of cocaine, right?
For real though the only way to deal with it is indeed time and distance. In an emotional sense that is. I don't really think people are meaning to say that having sex with other women is somehow a cure, but more that it gives you perspective. It's hard to separate the physical from the other stuff for most people. While I wouldn't recommend it, the idea of learning quickly that the physical stuff means very little without anything else can possibly be valid. The "date other people!" idea isn't really all that noble when you realise that it's still a means of getting over this rather than an honest search for a partner. It's okay because the rest of the pool is probably in somewhat the same position, but it's not like doing a prostitute is somehow worse.
Coming from a country where prostitution is completely legal, I still advise against this strategy though. Not because it's wrong but because it's purely physical masturbation really. And what the OP needs is emotional masturbation. To engage in flirting and dating for the sake of understanding that it is nothing special. That to have an emotional connection with someone is a thing but that you can have many of those things and don't have to stick with the first.
Speaking of which I'm currently working on a book called "The Fuck You Bitch" diet which covers a lot of this material.
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I think that if you look at a girl who turned you down as a "bitch" then you have a lot more work to do on yourself.
OP, avoid acting the way this person says you should. Just wow...Pretty shitty advice dude.
You have two choices right now: 1) Realize it's never going to happen and try to remain just friends without be a gigantic goose; or 2) Realize it's never going to happen and break all contact. Get rid of any hope of it working out (i.e., "if only I or she or we do...", "Maybe if...", etc) realize it's going to end and move on with your life and onto better and brighter things. You are ahead of it though because you get to choose how and when you want to stop; but the longer you delay the more it's going to suck.
If she asks then tell her like it is because there's no point in lying (you gain nothing but risk everything), and don't be vindictive; just be honest: "I like you but I realize that nothing will come of this, so I am going to hang out with you less one-on-one, until I find it comfortable enough. I would still like to remain friends (if you do) because I enjoy our times spent together, I just need some space before we hang out alone any further." If she understands and is willing to go through with it (I'm sure she'll want space as well), congratulations, you have a freaking awesome friend. If she doesn't, that sucks but you are already going to move on anyways. Who knows, maybe one day in the future you both can be friends again.
The main take away: it's going to end, maybe not today, maybe not this week, or month, or good god this year, but it is going to end and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Accept that. Now what are you going to/want to do with your time and life? Once you're completely over it and if you kept her as a friend, you can bring her along on whatever it is you want to do, as a friend. Have that to look forward to.
Anyways, I luckily already have a pretty active social and activity wise life, so I'm definetely using those to keep me distracted and hanging out with a bunch of other friends.
More importantly I have a date this friday with a girl from OkCupid, and I been talking back and forth with another girl I met, so I'm doing my best to just move on.