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[Relationship Advice] Should I invite my girlfriend to small family 4th event

RoyceSraphimRoyceSraphim Registered User regular
So, I met this woman online back in April.

We've had a good thing going, we're taking it slow. We talked and we agreed to take it slow. I told her I loved her about a two weeks ago and she said she wasn't sure if she loved me and I was fine with that. We are both attracted to each other and get along well.

So, would it be a good idea to invite her to my home where my mother and brother live, for a small (doubtful it would be more than 5 of us, including brother's girlfriend) gathering?

I ask this because in high school, my girlfriend, who would become my wife and ex-wife, did not receive a mature welcome from family and while my mother matured from those days, I'm hesitant around anyone else.

I'm not the best at this relationship stuff, so I beseech you, knowledgeable PA'ers.

Posts

  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    hmmmmm

    honestly, it kind of sounds like a crapshoot. realistically, everything should go along perfectly fine (everyone being mature adults).

    however, if there is a small history of not having good first meetings coupled with taking it slow, it could go either way.

    Maybe just say to her "hey, a few of my family members and their significant others are getting together, do you want to come?"

    if she says yes, cool.

    if she says no, that's cool too.

  • RoyceSraphimRoyceSraphim Registered User regular
    At the minimum, it will be my mother, my baby brother, and his girlfriend. I'm doubtful other people will come by, but I'm not doing anything else and I don't think she has family and friend plans.....

  • IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    I feel like it would be weird to not say, "you are welcome to come" but I would certainly communicate with her that 1) you don't expect her to come and wont be disappointed if she doesn't, and 2)That its a pretty small gathering and a close, isolated meeting of the family might not jive well with the "taking it slow" thing, and you respect that.

  • ThunderSaidThunderSaid Registered User regular
    I don't recommend it. The whole "I love you/I'm not really sure about that" exchange tells me that she's a little unsure about your relationship. That's not the end of the world - it's not like you've been dating for years or anything. What it does mean is that your relationship is extra vulnerable to stress right now. So, assuming that you want things to progress, you might want to spare her the stress of meeting your possibly-still-immature (whatever that means) family. Things might go fine, but my intuition on this one says they won't. So, I suggest making alternate plans. Does your city do fireworks? Maybe you could go watch those. I think your relationship has a stronger chance that way.

    P.S. I know you believe you mother has "matured," but I wouldn't count on her to be the voice of welcome for your new girlfriend. If this gathering has the attendees you list, your mother will be sort of a fifth wheel, which probably won't make her feel welcoming.

  • noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    Telling her you love her after 3 months doesn't strike me as taking it slow....

    Or is that what spurned on that conversation?

    Also, have you guys already had a face to face meeting? Cause those can be awkward enough without bringing your family into it

  • IrukaIruka Registered User, Moderator mod
    I don't recommend it. The whole "I love you/I'm not really sure about that" exchange tells me that she's a little unsure about your relationship. That's not the end of the world - it's not like you've been dating for years or anything. What it does mean is that your relationship is extra vulnerable to stress right now. So, assuming that you want things to progress, you might want to spare her the stress of meeting your possibly-still-immature (whatever that means) family. Things might go fine, but my intuition on this one says they won't. So, I suggest making alternate plans. Does your city do fireworks? Maybe you could go watch those. I think your relationship has a stronger chance that way.

    Eh, I told my BF I loved him accidentally, a few months in. It didn't shake our relationship that he was not really at the place to return the feeling. It also didn't indicate that we were at an unhealthy state, we talked about it, and went forward from there.

    If anything, communication is better than deciding for your girlfriend what she is comfortable with. A simple conversation of "I'm going to see my folks, its cool if you aren't ready for that, but my good nature and hospitality dictates that you should feel welcome to accompany me" Shouldn't be relationship breaking. You can bring this up without making it sound like another level of commitment.

  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    Iruka knows her shit.

    If this is her first time ever meeting direct family, you may want to really really stress that this isn't really a required option. First time family meetings are best left to short visits where someone can bail in an hour if someone breaks a faux pas or something. Last thing you want is her to say something to upset Aunt Agnes and need to bail 20 minutes after you get there before Uncle Albert even fires up the grill.

    Though maybe if you let the family know ahead of time she'll only be there for an hour because of work/school it'll be easier (talk to her!).

    But yeah, really honestly stress that it isn't a requirement like Iruka said.

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    Coming from a family where introducing my girlfriend to them involved almost a firing squad series of dinner interrogations, I would second Iruka:

    "There's a family thing coming up that I'll be going to. If you would like to come, I'd be happy to have you with me. If that's a bit much right now, I won't be sad. My family can be pretty difficult to deal with, so don't feel obligated."

  • tapeslingertapeslinger Space Unicorn Slush Ranger Social Justice Rebel ScumRegistered User regular
    edited July 2013
    and really, if this is the kind of thing that would break her up with you, you might as well get it over with. I would err on the side of the "not a big deal, but you're welcome to attend if you would like to come." type invitation. I feel like, this sounds like a low commitment invite on the surface. if it's more than that, or if mom is especially cray, that might be different, but based on the description, i don't know if "crazy family" is a dealbreaker for her.

    I'd also make a contingency plan (in your head) where if for whatever reason you guys need to bail out, you can do so without relying on family members for a ride, etc.

    (I don't know how cray your family is, but I've been in situations that were exacerbated by being stranded at a small family party where it was also, like, in the middle of nowhere and no place to get any real peace or privacy, which if you're socially anxious or whatever you kind of need some defrag space. Not knowing the situation, hard to say exactly.)

    tapeslinger on
  • ThunderSaidThunderSaid Registered User regular
    Iruka wrote: »
    I don't recommend it. The whole "I love you/I'm not really sure about that" exchange tells me that she's a little unsure about your relationship. That's not the end of the world - it's not like you've been dating for years or anything. What it does mean is that your relationship is extra vulnerable to stress right now. So, assuming that you want things to progress, you might want to spare her the stress of meeting your possibly-still-immature (whatever that means) family. Things might go fine, but my intuition on this one says they won't. So, I suggest making alternate plans. Does your city do fireworks? Maybe you could go watch those. I think your relationship has a stronger chance that way.

    Eh, I told my BF I loved him accidentally, a few months in. It didn't shake our relationship that he was not really at the place to return the feeling. It also didn't indicate that we were at an unhealthy state, we talked about it, and went forward from there.

    If anything, communication is better than deciding for your girlfriend what she is comfortable with. A simple conversation of "I'm going to see my folks, its cool if you aren't ready for that, but my good nature and hospitality dictates that you should feel welcome to accompany me" Shouldn't be relationship breaking. You can bring this up without making it sound like another level of commitment.

    I think maybe there's a misunderstanding about what I meant. I'm not saying that the "I love you/I'm not really sure about that" exchange means they're about to break up (or that they should). I don't see any reason why they can't grow into a stronger relationship from here (and no reason they can't do it at slightly different rates, either).

    What I am saying is that there's a bit of a mismatch in commitment levels right now, and some people (not all) hear an early "I love you" and get a little commitment-phobic. If it were me, and I wanted to stay in a relationship with her, I wouldn't apply "meet my crazy family" levels of stress to the relationship right now.

  • RoyceSraphimRoyceSraphim Registered User regular
    Thank you for the advice, I feel much better about Thursday.

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