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Mental Health Issues - Therapist Not Helping As Much As I'd Like
mew151
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
First of all this is an alt account only created for this particular question. Some of my friends are on this forum and I really, really don't wanna freak them out. I know of the Brain Problems thread in SE++ but I'm using an alt so I figured this would be a better place to post.
So basically I've been stuck in a really unhealthy relationship for the past few years. My former significant other sucked away my time, emotional energy, physical energy, and money. They gradually ramped up this leaching behavior over time, and combined it with passive-aggressive manipulation to force me to abandon some things I enjoyed but, for some arbitrary reason, they hated. They also manipulated and bullied me into their social circle which I really didn't like. I met maybe one person in that group I liked or even tolerated. This really harmed the friendships I had made out of my S.O.'s "sphere of influence" too. Oh and they badged me into taking a sucky job since it fit THEIR schedule, not mine. They also convinced me to give up on college. They stole and broke my stuff. I could go on.
I eventually had my fill of this a few months ago and moved out. I got a decent studio apartment all by myself and, for about three weeks, everything was fine. I felt great! I was free! Sure I had the old, sucky job but hey things could be worse. My ex could harass me at work or elsewhere. They haven't... yet.
But of course then things did get worse. A few days ago depression hit me like a speeding train. A deep, deep depression. See, the ironic thing is, I moved in with this former significant other to get away from my really sucky family situation. They don't exactly accept me for who I am, and they're seriously controlling. My mother still treats me like I'm 16 even though I am almost twice that age. They balked at my various mental health issues and sent me to some genuinely shit therapists. I was living with them in a state that's not known for being accepting towards LGBT folks. I could go on, but suffice to say it was BAD for me. I'm not proud to say it but things got so bad I started cutting and planning my own suicide.
So I moved in with this person, FINALLY found an LGBT-friendly therapist (yaaay), and generally became a sort-of-adult. Then the above shit with my now-ex happened. I wasn't cutting anymore while living with this person, but hell I had other drama and BS to deal with. But now the depression feels exactly the same as it did when I was living with my parents. I've been experiencing REALLY strong urges to cut at random times over the past few days, but I haven't yet. I've found snapping a rubber band around my wrist is a good way to ease the urges a little.
I've talked to my therapist about this and they are not surprised my own depression and genuine issues got buried under the drama and abuse from my ex. However, I feel like each session with her I don't get enough done. I'd see them more often but my new place is expensive and so I can't afford more frequent therapy. They are charging me the lowest rate possible, too. (Which is nice of them.) And perhaps worst of all is I am terrified to talk to any of my friends about it, since I'm convinced at least some would abandon me if they knew I used to self-harm and am struggling with it now.
I realize this post is mostly just venting my problems out there but I feel like I'm at my wit's end. I can distract myself sometimes with games or books but it doesn't last more than a few hours. I'm terrified to talk to anyone I know IRL about this, since I fear losing the few real friends I have. I know this is some heavy shit but I'd appreciate any words of wisdom or advice anyone can provide.
So basically I've been stuck in a really unhealthy relationship for the past few years. My former significant other sucked away my time, emotional energy, physical energy, and money. They gradually ramped up this leaching behavior over time, and combined it with passive-aggressive manipulation to force me to abandon some things I enjoyed but, for some arbitrary reason, they hated. They also manipulated and bullied me into their social circle which I really didn't like. I met maybe one person in that group I liked or even tolerated. This really harmed the friendships I had made out of my S.O.'s "sphere of influence" too. Oh and they badged me into taking a sucky job since it fit THEIR schedule, not mine. They also convinced me to give up on college. They stole and broke my stuff. I could go on.
I eventually had my fill of this a few months ago and moved out. I got a decent studio apartment all by myself and, for about three weeks, everything was fine. I felt great! I was free! Sure I had the old, sucky job but hey things could be worse. My ex could harass me at work or elsewhere. They haven't... yet.
But of course then things did get worse. A few days ago depression hit me like a speeding train. A deep, deep depression. See, the ironic thing is, I moved in with this former significant other to get away from my really sucky family situation. They don't exactly accept me for who I am, and they're seriously controlling. My mother still treats me like I'm 16 even though I am almost twice that age. They balked at my various mental health issues and sent me to some genuinely shit therapists. I was living with them in a state that's not known for being accepting towards LGBT folks. I could go on, but suffice to say it was BAD for me. I'm not proud to say it but things got so bad I started cutting and planning my own suicide.
So I moved in with this person, FINALLY found an LGBT-friendly therapist (yaaay), and generally became a sort-of-adult. Then the above shit with my now-ex happened. I wasn't cutting anymore while living with this person, but hell I had other drama and BS to deal with. But now the depression feels exactly the same as it did when I was living with my parents. I've been experiencing REALLY strong urges to cut at random times over the past few days, but I haven't yet. I've found snapping a rubber band around my wrist is a good way to ease the urges a little.
I've talked to my therapist about this and they are not surprised my own depression and genuine issues got buried under the drama and abuse from my ex. However, I feel like each session with her I don't get enough done. I'd see them more often but my new place is expensive and so I can't afford more frequent therapy. They are charging me the lowest rate possible, too. (Which is nice of them.) And perhaps worst of all is I am terrified to talk to any of my friends about it, since I'm convinced at least some would abandon me if they knew I used to self-harm and am struggling with it now.
I realize this post is mostly just venting my problems out there but I feel like I'm at my wit's end. I can distract myself sometimes with games or books but it doesn't last more than a few hours. I'm terrified to talk to anyone I know IRL about this, since I fear losing the few real friends I have. I know this is some heavy shit but I'd appreciate any words of wisdom or advice anyone can provide.
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This really sounds like some form of medical depression, which means medicine to fix it. Don't be scared off by the idea of taking medication; most people bitching about the evils of psych meds are either talking out of their asses with no real knowledge or had a bad experience on one thing or another and weren't willing to keep trying different medicines and combinations.
Source: I've got bipolar disorder (depression a lot of the time, happy superman sometimes), anxiety issues, and severe ADHD. After a bit of fiddling with different prescriptions, two pills a day fix those for me without side effects.
I used to take medication years ago for anxiety and depression, and hey guess what? Couldn't afford it after a while so I dropped it. Did okay, but again likely because my ex's insanity was occupying all of my mental energy so I didn't have time to notice my own problems festering.
I'll definitely run it by my therapist and my doctor, but again money likely becomes an issue. I have insurance but, well, it's 'Murican health insurance, if you know what I mean. Let's hope, if they both give the green light to meds again, I can afford it.
I should note, however, I do have a pretty strong dislike of psychiatrists since my parents sent me to two of them to try and "fix" me. The psychs were, ah, silly geese.
I've had and seen success with all but the lamp, which I haven't tried for myself or seen someone I know try.
Disclaimer: If you have Type 1 Diabetes or kidney problems in general, don't do the keto diet or you'll, um, die. And you will feel like shit for a day or seven regardless. Good for the blood pressure and cholesterol, though, so hey, added benefits.
Okay I did not know that was an option. I'll look into it, definitely. But between now and when I can see my therapist and my doctor (which is likely going to be a week or more) what do I do? This depression just... feels stronger. Snapping my wrist rubber band sort of works, but ugh... dunno how long I can hold out.
EDIT: Taking vitamins and minerals, yeah. I think they help a little.
And no pressure, but you're always welcome in the Brain Problems thread whether you want to come in there anonymously or otherwise, there are a lot of us who deal with the broad range of mental issues on a daily basis and it's a nice place to commiserate.
Hugs
I'm going out with friends later this evening. Not sure if that'll help or not. I sure hope so 'cause I miss them all. But hey, totally petrified at the mere possibility of coming out to them about my issues. Being depressed is one thing (they all know at least know it's something I struggled with at some point) but I feel like self-harm, even just the strong urge to, is just gonna make them totally freak out or even abandon me... dammit now I'm crying.
Your post convinced me to call my therapist and leave a voice mail about seeing her ASAP, like this Friday if possible. She's pretty busy so it's kind of a crap shoot. I promise I'll make known my frustrations about the pace of my therapy. I DID tell her about the desire to cut last I saw her.
I don't want to run afoul of any forum rules, though. And sheesh what if one of my friends figures out it's me?
I found it helpful to start by admitting to small things, like "I'm having a hard time" or "I feel shit right now" and eventually (because I wasn't hiding my mental state nearly as well as I imagined I was) they started asking me if I was ok and I was able to talk about it more.
*Takes a deep breath.* Okay. Gotta tell myself I a not a burden on people who care about me. And I will be honest when they ask how I am feeling. I'll admit small things, as you suggest @Usagi. But fuck I have this crippling shyness over such issues. Literally worried I am gong to just suddenly pile ALL my problems on people I barely know (casual friends or you folks) or even on people I've known for years. Basically worried I'm not gonna have self control. Does that make sense?
Have you told your therapist about your urges to cut specifically? If you haven't, you need to. There is specific treatment for that.
I have talked to her about it already and I am planning on making it a big focus of our next session. I did not know self-harm could be addictive outside of depression, though.
A lot of people start cutting / burning when they get depressed, but then can't stop even after treating the depression and as a result don't think the treatment has worked (because they weren't aware that the self-harming behavior became it's own little problem)
In all honesty though I feel a bit better just getting this all out there.
-Be honest with my friends about my emotional and mental state, but do so in "small steps" as it were.
-Make appointments with both my therapist and my doctor to discuss medication.
-Try to get a bit of fresh air every day.
-Use the rubber-band-on-the-wrist method to fight any future cutting urges for the time being.
-EDIT: Oh hey deal with a bunch of other issues like body image, binge eating, anxiety disorder, etc. etc. I got lots of problems, it seems.
Making this list is mostly for my benefit, mind you. Thanks again for the good advice, folks. Hey, I should at least give myself credit for not cutting over the past few days so far. On the other hand, I am deeply concerned about how I might react if and when I DO cut. (See previous post.)
There was a time when I endowed my therapist / counselor with special powers, as if talking to the individual was a necessary step towards feeling better. Eventually, though, I realized that the therapist did not have any control over how I felt. When I felt better after our visits, that resulted from my interpretation of the situation, what I took away from our interaction. The therapist was incredibly helpful, and often had insights into my actions that I had overlooked. However, my feeling better in response to those insights, and my doing something with them, were my own actions.
So, yes, talk to therapists / counselors. However, if you find yourself in a situation where you cannot talk to them, I would suggest that you not think of that as an obstacle towards feeling better.
You, in your own little head, do have the ability to feel better. I know you don't believe that, just as I did not, but it's true.
I remember really well the feeling that there is no possible way to cram enough therapy into a week. I went to a therapist at my university, which meant a lot of restrictions on exactly how often I could meet with him. When I finally let go and started actually talking to him, it was like a floodgate had opened. On one hand, yay, because it meant I was getting somewhere. On the other, I was miserable all the time I wasn't talking to him (and a lot of the time I was), and all I wanted to do was meet for several hours at a time or several times a week. I was impatient for results, but I was also dealing with such intense emotional discharge that I though I would explode if I didn't get more release than my one one-hour session most weeks afforded me. Because it was university counseling, we would have 5-6 week breaks between sessions, and I really thought those times would kill me. There were a few things that got me through, and I can share those with you in PMs if you like. They may sound a bit strange, but somehow they were exactly what I needed at the time.
In short, I think I've been a lot of the places you have... PM me if you have an questions about how I got through or if you just want to talk.
I guess part of me is angry because I was held back all these years dealing with the controlling BS and drama from my unhealthy relationship with my ex. And of course NOW of all times my internet goes out too. Ugh. Sleeping ain't happening for me, but I did get to see my friends which was kinda okay. Spent probably too much time thinking about how they'd react if I told them what I was going through.
Also @ceres 5 weeks sounds brutal. I see my therapist every two weeks and that's sometimes not often enough.
Six days with cutting urges and no cutting yet. That's a nice accomplishment, eh?
*Talked to him online, I mean. He lives a few hours away at the moment.
I have many friends. Many of them I'd consider crazy. I would never, in a million years, turn them away if they wanted to tell me something that important. That's what friends are for.. and your friends should be just as supportive.
This is a tricky thing to think about from your perspective, I imagine, because it was for me, but your friends will be happy to be stressed if in fact they are. Because though it is scary, it is also out there. They'll know about it. And they can help, so that they don't have to stress about it again.
Sweetie, don't denigrate yourself. That is a nice accomplishment for someone in your position. And I doubt that he labelled you (maybe he does or doesn't think you're crazy: the thing is, everyone's at least a little deranged in that everyone has some degree of mental imbalance).
It does make sense, but try not to put barriers in front of yourself by making assumptions about how someone else is going to react to you coming to them for help. Maybe she'll be relieved that she can reach out to a friend; maybe she won't have a particularly strong reaction at all and see it as another part of her routine; who knows? Nobody knows, until they ask.
Going to your friends this weekend is definitely a good idea. Share as much as you can.
In my opinion, PMing Ceres would also be a good idea if you haven't already (you can PM me too if you'd like; I'd just warn you that my experience is probably very limited in comparison to someone like Ceres. I've dealt with depression, and am still dealing with it - managing it with medication - but I have not personally gone through a phase of self-harming or suicidal ideation. I'm glad for it, but can't speak to personal experience as a result).
I can't believe I forgot this. St. John's Wort (wiki link).
TL;DR it's effectively a mild OTC antidepressant.
After getting much needed help here on these exact forums, I've started to really improve these past few days. My depression was brought on by something a bit different than yours, but I can tell you one thing that has really helped me. Walking. I put my phone in my pocket, hook up some headphones, turn on Pandora, then start walking. I was doing 3 miles a day previously, and now I'm up to 4.5 miles. I've lost so much weight in the past few weeks that I'm starting to look at myself like I should have been doing a long time ago. Go walk. Get a nice pair of shoes, a playlist you enjoy, and walk. Walk until your legs burn, then take a break and turn around. It will eventually become a sort of therapy that you can rely on at any time.
The additional benefit of this is you'll become a sexy beast. Sexy beasts don't hurt themselves because they're too sexy.
Talking to friends (or family members) about depression is always tough; if they haven't had the condition before, they're just not going to really 'get it'. But talking about it is still important.
And no, I'm sorry, but the urges are not going to die down quickly. You may need long term treatment, and possibly medication (you've talked to your therapist about this condition specifically, correct? It is very important that you do).
EDIT:
To highlight that different things work for different people, I just want to throw this out there:
For me, it was / is all about the meds. One hundred percent. I would easily go so far as to say Post-Effexor and Pre-Effexor me are two completely different people, with completely different outlooks on life and completely different futures. Exercise, writing (Hell, I could barely force myself to write - my favorite fucking thing to do, and i just couldn't do it), games... nothing helped in the same way medication did.
If you hear about 'X' or 'Y' working, and it doesn't work for you, don't sweat it. Try something else. You will find something that works.
I've have a rocky relationship with antidepressants in the past, but I am wary to get on them because, well, they made me feel very "blah" and for other reasons I can't really explain on here. It's a bit complicated, to be sure.
And ugh I fucking hate exercise. Trying to walk just leads to the same pattern repeated over and over: I try to exercise regularly in some form or another, do well for about 10 days, then I fall off the wagon for a few days, feel like shit about failing, hate myself for being a fat, lazy failure... and then do it again the next time I try to exercise. And it doesn't help some of the worst people in my life were all about the exercise and weight loss but they did it in a way I... didn't like. Don't like.
If you're lucky you'll be able to mess around with meds and find one or a mix that helps without the blah.
I'm with you on exercise, I can't stand doing pointless repetitions stuff. Look into something active you might enjoy doing a lot...for me, it's BJJ (although I have nowhere to do it right now). Diet is a big deal too...more important for weight loss and pretty good at making a dent in mood problems. Even if you don't do anything special like the keto diet (super low carb, under 50-20 depending on how few it takes to kick you into ketosis), just cutting sugar and eating in a way that your energy level/blood sugar isn't spiking up and down all day will help.
I DO eat healthy, I am just terrible about eating in a regular schedule. I avoid soda and other such junk foods as much as I can. As for the meds I will consider and debate the option thoroughly before looking into it. I trust my physician to give me their honest assessment on how I would react. The problem is... let's just say I want to train for a field in which taking antidepressants is a BIG no-no. Kind of sucks like that.
The thing about exercise is that you usually need one of two things:
1) A trainer or partner that will force you into following a schedule. Like, they show up at your place at a scheduled time, taking the option to procrastinate away from you.
2) A physical activity that you really love to do, and/or are passionate about, and/or must do in order to go about your day (for example, having to walk or bike to work because, well, there's just no other option). That way you don't have to try and force yourself to do something that you don't want to do.
Even at the best of times, it's hard to try and force yourself to do something you think of as extraneous, even if you know it'll be good for you. When you're depressed, and a lot of your mood involves, "Why should I even get out of bed?", i can't imagine anyone managing to hold themselves to a routine.
See if you can manage to get either of those two things: it'll make exercising much, much easier.
If nothing comes to mind, just give something a shot that you've never necessarily tried before. My step-sisters found that they really, really got into the culture of running. Timed, but not necessarily competitive, running - starting at multi-meter runs and now going into multi-kilometer runs. My brother found he loves swimming. My step-father used to love hiking in the mountains, when that was a thing that was accessible.
Not all exercising is equal in terms of calorie burning, of course - but it's more important to choose something you can stick with over the long term than something that will burn 'X' calories within some arbitrary time frame. And, I know this should be obvious enough but I'll say it anyway, it's probably not a good idea to shoot for an activity right now that will not mesh with your current body weight. If you're heavy, just an an example off of the top of my head, parkour and gymnastics just aren't going to work right off the bat - but if something that involves that kind of acrobatics is appealing for you, set it as a future goal (I know that might seem like some 'derp derp, how dumb do you think I am?' kind of advice, but I've already seen one person try to get into a sport - ice skating - that they just were not fit for at that point in time, and they wound up being even more discouraged when it didn't pan out).
Find a reason to exercise. Want to be more attractive? Want to add some years to your life? Want to show someone that you can turn your life around? Find that inspiration and run with it. Even if it's a selfish reason. That's why I'm doing it. It's quite selfish, and I won't lie. But it's keeping me going and keeping me in shape. I'm surprised I can walk as far as I can being a smoker. Maybe one day soon I can completely ditch the smoking and just focus on me. Until then, it's just one step at a time.
Just remember that you're doing this for YOU, and no one else. Don't focus on anyone but yourself. I can promise you that it's worth it.