You'd be surprised at how a family member that you're "not connected to" dying will make you feel. I'm not just trying to bum you out on purpose, but if I've learned anything off the back off loss, it's that you ought to know as much about people kin to you as you can.
does mutual feelings of hostility dampen the feeling
I got disowned by my bro for trans-related stuff
I'd mostly feel bad for our mom if he died
that would hurt her real bad
Miss me? Find me on:
Twitch (I stream most days of the week) Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
You'd be surprised at how a family member that you're "not connected to" dying will make you feel. I'm not just trying to bum you out on purpose, but if I've learned anything off the back off loss, it's that you ought to know as much about people kin to you as you can.
does mutual feelings of hostility dampen the feeling
I got disowned by my bro for trans-related stuff
I'd mostly feel bad for our mom if he died
that would hurt her real bad
I can't know a parent's feelings for their child but it absolutely felt mutual to me. My dad considered me a failure because I didn't have kids and a career by 21. Considered it often, and occasionally to my face. I considered him a piece of shit, because he cheated on my mom, lied about it while still sleeping in her bed, and left her for some old groupie from when he was a roadie for the Allman Brothers. I also don't know how he felt at the end, because I didn't speak to him for the last two years. He died on my mom's birthday, and I told her "Good, we're free."
What I can tell you with certainty is that it affected my mom severely, and by extension it affected me, so I kind of get where you're coming from. I'm not going to bullshit and be all FAMILY IS FAMILY, but if you can stomach it, you ought to try reconnecting with your brother. If not for your own sake, then for your mom's. Like I said, it's a whole other kind of deal with your circumstances...and I guess no one ever thinks that the next guy's enmity can surpass their own, no matter how profound it is...but trying ain't never hurt nobody.
What won't hurt your mom is you being true to your feelings, though. I never forgave my dad and my mom accepted that, even if the lack of communication between us at the end hurt her. Sometimes you can't make excuses or meet halfway. The family that loves is tighter than the family that spurns.
I guess the part of me that writes is trying to be too fucking profound, so at the risk of my brain writing a check my ass can't cash, I'll try and pare it down. Do what you can, and do what you can feel good about.
THESPOOKY on
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TonkkaSome one in the club tonightHas stolen my ideas.Registered Userregular
You'd be surprised at how a family member that you're "not connected to" dying will make you feel. I'm not just trying to bum you out on purpose, but if I've learned anything off the back off loss, it's that you ought to know as much about people kin to you as you can.
does mutual feelings of hostility dampen the feeling
I got disowned by my bro for trans-related stuff
I'd mostly feel bad for our mom if he died
that would hurt her real bad
I can't know a parent's feelings for their child but it absolutely felt mutual to me. My dad considered me a failure because I didn't have kids and a career by 21. Considered it often, and occasionally to my face. I considered him a piece of shit, because he cheated on my mom, lied about it while still sleeping in her bed, and left her for some old groupie from when he was a roadie for the Allman Brothers. I also don't know how he felt at the end, because I didn't speak to him for the last two years. He died on my mom's birthday, and I told her "Good, we're free."
What I can tell you with certainty is that it affected my mom severely, and by extension it affected me, so I kind of get where you're coming from. I'm not going to bullshit and be all FAMILY IS FAMILY, but if you can stomach it, you ought to try reconnecting with your brother. If not for your own sake, then for your mom's. Like I said, it's a whole other kind of deal with your circumstances...and I guess no one ever thinks that the next guy's enmity can surpass their own, no matter how profound it is...but trying ain't never hurt nobody.
What won't hurt your mom is you being true to your feelings, though. I never forgave my dad and my mom accepted that, even if the lack of communication between us at the end hurt her. Sometimes you can't make excuses or meet halfway. The family that loves is tighter than the family that spurns.
I guess the part of me that writes is trying to be too fucking profound, so at the risk of my brain writing a check my ass can't cash, I'll try and pare it down. Do what you can, and do what you can feel good about.
the ball's firmly in my bro's court, right now
if he can't deal with my gender identity, then he can stay out for the time being
he's over in Utah anyway, and hasn't seen mom and dad in person for six or so years
parents get a pass (well, mostly mom) because of their parenting
I have plenty of close friends that I consider family anyways
Miss me? Find me on:
Twitch (I stream most days of the week) Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
You'd be surprised at how a family member that you're "not connected to" dying will make you feel. I'm not just trying to bum you out on purpose, but if I've learned anything off the back off loss, it's that you ought to know as much about people kin to you as you can.
does mutual feelings of hostility dampen the feeling
I got disowned by my bro for trans-related stuff
I'd mostly feel bad for our mom if he died
that would hurt her real bad
I can't know a parent's feelings for their child but it absolutely felt mutual to me. My dad considered me a failure because I didn't have kids and a career by 21. Considered it often, and occasionally to my face. I considered him a piece of shit, because he cheated on my mom, lied about it while still sleeping in her bed, and left her for some old groupie from when he was a roadie for the Allman Brothers. I also don't know how he felt at the end, because I didn't speak to him for the last two years. He died on my mom's birthday, and I told her "Good, we're free."
What I can tell you with certainty is that it affected my mom severely, and by extension it affected me, so I kind of get where you're coming from. I'm not going to bullshit and be all FAMILY IS FAMILY, but if you can stomach it, you ought to try reconnecting with your brother. If not for your own sake, then for your mom's. Like I said, it's a whole other kind of deal with your circumstances...and I guess no one ever thinks that the next guy's enmity can surpass their own, no matter how profound it is...but trying ain't never hurt nobody.
What won't hurt your mom is you being true to your feelings, though. I never forgave my dad and my mom accepted that, even if the lack of communication between us at the end hurt her. Sometimes you can't make excuses or meet halfway. The family that loves is tighter than the family that spurns.
I guess the part of me that writes is trying to be too fucking profound, so at the risk of my brain writing a check my ass can't cash, I'll try and pare it down. Do what you can, and do what you can feel good about.
the ball's firmly in my bro's court, right now
if he can't deal with my gender identity, then he can stay out for the time being
he's over in Utah anyway, and hasn't seen mom and dad in person for six or so years
parents get a pass (well, mostly mom) because of their parenting
I have plenty of close friends that I consider family anyways
As long as you know what's going on with it all, I don't know what anyone else can ask from you. To answer the original question of whether it makes it easier, maybe not, but it doesn't make it harder. Not unless you're bullshitting yourself, and it definitely doesn't sound to me like you are.
If there is one real defining personal characteristic I've found within myself in the face of my own horrible shit, it would be resiliency. A grim determination to keep moving and functioning.
The way I see it, there really is no other option than to process you feelings as best you can and strive for a life well lived.
I really would like to remember who that person was to me than the way they died and do try to
I really don't want to remember my very good friend from the corps as the one that got pulped by a rocket nor the conversation I had with his mother . I really would rather remember him as a very good friend
After my father died two years ago a lot of people thought I was being quite cold when I really did not want to talk about it.
Nor do I really want to think of the huge rift it's caused with the few people that are willing to speak to me in my family
I could go on and on about how certain people when they died how it effected me but still I try to remember them as who they were
The worst thing is the dreams where the person is alive. Those never EVER stop, and one every few months you just have to deal with waking up crying.
My grandfather died nearly ten years ago, and I still get those dreams.
I have regular dreams about a good friend from high school. She passed about a decade ago, and the dreams still come. I don't wake up crying, though. I wake up forgetting she's gone.
I wake up, and for five minutes, my thoughts are, "Hey, that's right! I haven't seen Vanessa in ages! Wonder how she's doing." Then I shake off the cobwebs of sleep, I remember, and the leaden heaviness sets in. I play a couple of her favorite songs on Spotify, try my best to recall how it sounded when she sang the chorus of No Doubt's "Spiderwebs" on her answering machine, and then I go to work and tell everybody I'm fine when they ask how I'm doing.
Waka LakaRiding the stuffed UnicornIf ya know what I mean.Registered Userregular
The first time I lost someone was friend who ran his car into a truck due to a fallout with his dad. The funeral service made me feel much better, though the actual burial I could not attend as it was family only. I remember finding some videos of us at the school carnival (basically a sports event) dancing around and making jokes, I felt both happy and sad at the same time.
On my family's I recall not being upset with my grandfathers death, as I did not think much of him. He was miserable and aggressive to everyone he came in contact with. To be fair, my grandmother gave him a life of luxury and tended to his every desire, so he really had nothing to complain about. It was weird not feeling anything but sorrow for my grandmother more than anything. Then not too long after she died from lung cancer due to second hand smoke from my grandfather. Then I was gutted, she deserved more in life and I loved her to bits. I was denied bereavement leave from the company I worked for which doubly sucked. Still pissed about it to be honest.
I lost my partner about 6 years ago, though I don't like talking about the details. All I say to people about it is if you have to say something, say it now, don't let it wait. Let the ones you love know how you feel now, because talk is free and you never know when the thing you want to say may never be heard again. I recall one of my old bosses having a whine about how he argued with his wife and I just told him "I wish I could have the opportunity to do that, because the chance to make things right is still there". Some people take it all for granted though.
I lost 2 friends in the Tsunami a while back, I am proud of them both and still keep in contact with one of their brothers, he is a good kid. We talked about the good times we had with his sister, and I hope to one day shake his hand and treat him like a brother.
I think the most shocking thing in regards to death that won't leave me for the rest of my life is seeing a motorcyclist get basically turned to slush by a truck. The only time I have seen death face to face, and it does not go away. I seem to have a bad run with trucks and death, so I try to avoid them.
Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
The only death I have witnessed was back when I volunteered as a Community Responder and attended a 999 call for this old guy who had collapsed. I helped the paramedics give CPR for about 45 minutes but he didn't make it. It was surreal and intense but there was no emotional connection for me.
The weirdest thing was there was a smell, I don't know if it was the house we were in or the smell of this old guy but it was really unique, and for several months after the event I would periodically suddenly smell this smell out of nowhere. Kind of like an olfactory flashback? I dunno what was going on there.
One of my best friends committed suicide about 7 years ago, that still affects me and I don't think it ever won't. There's a lot of complicated emotions tied up in her death and our relationship in the last year of her life, a lot of guilt and anger and guilt about being angry. For a long time after she died I would recognise her in crowds and have that moment of "Hey, it's..." before remembering she was gone, that was weird. If anything I get sadder about her death as I get older, instead of it getting better. Because the longer the gap the more I think about how I'm here living my life as a grown-up, however that might be going, and she lost it all at such an early age, and wondering what she'd be like if she was still here. And the more I learn and grow the more I feel like if we were in the same situation again I might be able to help her. But I never can. So there's a lot of regret and guilt. But what can you expect.
When my dad got diagnosed with a brain tumour two years ago I couldn't deal. I was pant-shitting terrified for 3 days solid and if it had gone on much longer I would have just fallen apart. We were incredibly lucky in that he got through the treatment relatively easily and he is fine as you could hope now. It is not making me feel optimistic about handling it when the inevitable comes and my parents die.
I have watch both of my parents die
I have seen a lot of deaths so sadly I can just tell if someone has passed on. Like the guy who died in the bathroom he was just found sprawled out on the floor so when I walked in and saw him I calmly went to my supervisor and informed them
I haven't had to deal with any family death in almost a year thankfully, but I've posted here several times about seeing people be run over while at work.
It's never easy and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
diablo III - beardsnbeer#1508 Mechwarrior Online - Rusty Bock
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BeastehTHAT WOULD NOTKILL DRACULARegistered Userregular
my mum died of cancer when i was 4 which was pretty shit
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Metzger MeisterIt Gets Worsebefore it gets any better.Registered Userregular
I had a dream right after my older brother died where he appeared as a rotting corpse, American Werewolf style, only it wasn't unsettling at all and he acted in no way dissimilar from how he always did, and he just kinda said "hey, look, this happens to people man, everyone dies. it's not even that bad, there's a pool table and Jesus is really good at impressions." it was a strange dream.
HW9 is so freaking dangerous for new riders (hell for old ones if they aren't careful). I've gone down there (as a new rider). It was on a BARF run, and really whenever they make those things it really should be "This is not a newbie friendly road". I mean it is if you are going 40MPH the entire time, but no one is, and the urge to "keep up. . ." is strong (especially on a "group ride. . .").
. . .that being said, people will ALWAYS ride beyond their capabilities (though who knows why this happened really) and you really can't account for that. Certainly what-if'ing oneself is no way to cope (especially not in this situation).
"Get the hell out of me" - [ex]girlfriend
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El SkidThe frozen white northRegistered Userregular
I've been really lucky with death, I guess.
My dad's parents died 10-20 years ago ago (Grandma when I was pretty young, Grampa in my 20s), and my biological family (who I'm pretty close to) have been okay since then. We lost my father in law a couple years ago, but I was able to take that pretty well by just focusing on my pregnant wife and helping her.
But now my other set of grandparents are getting frail and are in their 90s. And I just found out my dad has a recurrence of low grade lymphoma, so I'm pretty sure my side of the family's luck is starting to wear thin.
I dunno what to say other than I'm thankful that I've not had to think about death much, and that I don't look forward to losing anyone more. But it's going to happen, and I just have to remember that they lived full, happy lives and try to make sure that everyone that is still around is okay.
As long as nothing happens to my wife and daughter, I think I can take anything that death throws at me. If anything happened to them... man, I'm gonna stop thinking about that now.
I really regret not going to my friend's funeral last year. I mean, I could list all the reasons I didn't go but they sound pretty feeble in retrospect and, well, it's not like he's going to die again, sooooo
Anyway I miss him. He was a Cool Guy.
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Brovid Hasselsmof[Growling historic on the fury road]Registered Userregular
I get the fear really really bad when I think about death. But I developed a strategy for combating it, which is to tell myself "This fear is terrible. Nothing can be as scary as this. Being dead can not be worse than this fear."
It's surprisingly effective.
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RankenphilePassersby were amazedby the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderatormod
Losing someone is tough, but it gets better. It starts out that you just can't stop thinking about it and all you can do is wish you weren't, and the guilt of feeling selfish about not wanting to think about them mixed with the grief of missing them so badly it hurts and the permanent struggle of accepting the terrifying reality of knowing you will never, ever see them again.
After a while though, you realize it has been a whole day since you've thought about them. Then you'll be racked with guilt because you feel like you aren't honoring them or you aren't keeping their memory alive, but that's not the case. You're living. You're moving on.
Soon it will be a whole week since you've thought about them. Or a month. Sometimes it will be just a day or two, but when you do the ache of missing them and the pain of separation will hurt less and less. It goes from being a painful darkness that fills your mind to the passing of a cloud in front of the sun. It never goes away, and it never really should, but it becomes something you can manage. Something that just becomes a part of you. A scar to remind you of what you've gone through and what you are now.
I've lost some very close friends in some very tragic ways. Drugs. Accidents. Murder. It never goes away, and I think about them all the time, but they're just a part of me now, and they don't make me shut down when I think about them any more.
Joe, Kevin, Jeremy, Jackie, Joseph, Moe, I miss you.
They thought @TheRoadVirus had a brain tumor years ago. Like back when I was in grade school. I only really heard about it after they found out everything was in the clear.
I think I'd have been fucked up pretty bad(more than I already was) if something had happened to him.
Losing someone is tough, but it gets better. It starts out that you just can't stop thinking about it and all you can do is wish you weren't, and the guilt of feeling selfish about not wanting to think about them mixed with the grief of missing them so badly it hurts and the permanent struggle of accepting the terrifying reality of knowing you will never, ever see them again.
After a while though, you realize it has been a whole day since you've thought about them. Then you'll be racked with guilt because you feel like you aren't honoring them or you aren't keeping their memory alive, but that's not the case. You're living. You're moving on.
Soon it will be a whole week since you've thought about them. Or a month. Sometimes it will be just a day or two, but when you do the ache of missing them and the pain of separation will hurt less and less. It goes from being a painful darkness that fills your mind to the passing of a cloud in front of the sun. It never goes away, and it never really should, but it becomes something you can manage. Something that just becomes a part of you. A scar to remind you of what you've gone through and what you are now.
I've lost some very close friends in some very tragic ways. Drugs. Accidents. Murder. It never goes away, and I think about them all the time, but they're just a part of me now, and they don't make me shut down when I think about them any more.
Joe, Kevin, Jeremy, Jackie, Joseph, Moe, I miss you.
Awesoming because that was beautiful and I agree. You're so sad about someone passing because you enjoyed their company so much while they were alive that they had a lasting impact.
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
Losing people who do something you love is confronting.
Being shown examples of how you can die while enjoying yourself is difficult and flat out confusing. No one wants to die. But at the same time learning how to protect yourself is an important thing to do so you are constantly expose or the seriousness and the reality of the consequences of death. Additionally obviously no one wants to stop the things that make you happy. The guy who literally taught me how to climb was luckily found down a crevice with a cracked skull and a broken vertebrae after he was climbing by himself and it took me a while to reconcile with this.
I only have one grandparent left. I don't know my relatives. I hope that I get the chance to meet him again before he goes, but he lives far away and he's already pretty unhealthy. I wanted to talk to my aunt before she passed because all I can do is assume what happened that lead to her early death, her story is profoundly sad and knowing how my family deals with mental health I wanted to lend her my hand but I know that when she did pass I didn't know what I do know.
The finality of death didn't really hit me until a friend of a friend commited suicide. Death is scary. I want to be in a comfortable place when I go.
I bet most of you who talk about having a shitty relationship with your father have a much worse father than me, but I feel like if my dad died it would lift a tremendous weight off my mom's shoulders while also half destroying her emotionally. But what he's doing to her now is already half destroying her emotionally, so I'm not even sure it'd be that bad. And no, if anyone is wondering, he's not physically abusive,.
I bet most of you who talk about having a shitty relationship with your father have a much worse father than me, but I feel like if my dad died it would lift a tremendous weight off my mom's shoulders while also half destroying her emotionally. But what he's doing to her now is already half destroying her emotionally, so I'm not even sure it'd be that bad. And no, if anyone is wondering, he's not physically abusive,.
I think I have a very good idea of how you are feeling. I've had the same thought about my own situation.
I lost a friend when I was a teenager to cancer and while it was devastating and it still makes me tear up to think about it today, hugs and talking to people who I can be emotionally defenseless around has almost magical power for closing up wounds.
I was 12 when I had a friend die for the first time. His name was Tyler, and he was 10. He was hit by a drunk driver while riding with home with his uncle after some event I only vaguely recall. I remember the funeral, there were so many people there, it was weird that we watched the service from another room on a TV. I also remember his open casket, and how weird it was to see him laying there, and how you could see some of the bruises. He didn't even look like the kid I hung out with. That was the first time I had to deal with death in a personal manner, and it was not easy. I had literally nothing to do with his death - nothing at all. The only way I was even associated with his death was that we both happened to be attending the same event before he died.
Even though I had nothing to do with him dying, for a long time I blamed myself for it, for not somehow preventing it. I blamed myself for not delaying him in some way, even though I was only 12. It was really hard for me, and it came shortly before some more really hard times. I didn't deal with it well at all, I didn't talk to anyone, and I lashed out a bit. I developed some anger issues, and some personal issues that I still carry to this day. I also gained a lot of weight and I'm pretty sure I was depressed - it's weird, at the time I didn't think anything about it, but I started.. never getting dressed? I would just sleep all day and only underwear all day unless I absolutely had to get dressed. I'd even greet people at the door in just my tighty-whiteys. At some point I kind of recovered, but to this day I still feel pangs of guilt about it and about a lot of things surrounding it.
I guess the point is that death will always be hard, and that death will always hurt, but that you can't blame yourself because in reality it's almost never your fault. There are a nearly limitless ways to die, and people come insanely close to death every day, regardless of what you do or don't do. The truth is that sometimes the dice fall poorly, and there's not much you can do to change that. Just remember those who died, try to get through the pain with some friends, and keep on living.
I'm so sorry you had to go through it in such a personal manner, and I hope you feel better soon.
Look at me. Look at me. Look at how large the monster inside me has become. Crunch Crunch! Munch Munch! Chomp Chomp! Gulp!
Justed wanted to share some more opinions with y'all
One of the things I see a fair bit is people struggling with how they think they should react to traumatic episodes and that in and of itself is a cause of angst.
People worrying if they are grieving 'correctly' is what I'm saying.
Now there is no doubt there are healthy and unhealthy ways to grieve, and I'm no big city mental health professional, but I generally feel like talking about emotional responses as the way you will feel rather than, 'you may feel like x, y, z or a mixture of all three' is kinda, I dunno, not good.
From my own experience, learning to not get hung up on how I was feeling and learning to accept that it was part of an ongoing process towards acceptance and 'moving on' was immensely helpful.
The worst thing is the dreams where the person is alive. Those never EVER stop, and one every few months you just have to deal with waking up crying.
My grandfather died nearly ten years ago, and I still get those dreams.
The dreams where my mom is still alive are actually my favorite because I get to hear her voice and often get to hear her laugh...and now I'm tearing up...
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DepressperadoI just wanted to see you laughingin the pizza rainRegistered Userregular
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Well, in the last 12 months or so, but a few deaths in the "family", both figuratively and literally have left me pretty distraught.
It does get easier to deal with over time, but it starts out really fucking hard. The worst part is looking around and realizing who might be next.
This kind of explains some drunk posting over the last year or so.
Getting numb to, or at least less affected by loss is a weird feeling.
does mutual feelings of hostility dampen the feeling
I got disowned by my bro for trans-related stuff
I'd mostly feel bad for our mom if he died
that would hurt her real bad
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
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I can't know a parent's feelings for their child but it absolutely felt mutual to me. My dad considered me a failure because I didn't have kids and a career by 21. Considered it often, and occasionally to my face. I considered him a piece of shit, because he cheated on my mom, lied about it while still sleeping in her bed, and left her for some old groupie from when he was a roadie for the Allman Brothers. I also don't know how he felt at the end, because I didn't speak to him for the last two years. He died on my mom's birthday, and I told her "Good, we're free."
What I can tell you with certainty is that it affected my mom severely, and by extension it affected me, so I kind of get where you're coming from. I'm not going to bullshit and be all FAMILY IS FAMILY, but if you can stomach it, you ought to try reconnecting with your brother. If not for your own sake, then for your mom's. Like I said, it's a whole other kind of deal with your circumstances...and I guess no one ever thinks that the next guy's enmity can surpass their own, no matter how profound it is...but trying ain't never hurt nobody.
What won't hurt your mom is you being true to your feelings, though. I never forgave my dad and my mom accepted that, even if the lack of communication between us at the end hurt her. Sometimes you can't make excuses or meet halfway. The family that loves is tighter than the family that spurns.
I guess the part of me that writes is trying to be too fucking profound, so at the risk of my brain writing a check my ass can't cash, I'll try and pare it down. Do what you can, and do what you can feel good about.
It's not just death, but also a lot of heartbreak happening around me that it gets even more weird.
You can't do a damn thing about either.
the ball's firmly in my bro's court, right now
if he can't deal with my gender identity, then he can stay out for the time being
he's over in Utah anyway, and hasn't seen mom and dad in person for six or so years
parents get a pass (well, mostly mom) because of their parenting
I have plenty of close friends that I consider family anyways
Twitch (I stream most days of the week)
Twitter (mean leftist discourse)
As long as you know what's going on with it all, I don't know what anyone else can ask from you. To answer the original question of whether it makes it easier, maybe not, but it doesn't make it harder. Not unless you're bullshitting yourself, and it definitely doesn't sound to me like you are.
that's ultimately the really shitty part of the whole thing. A complete absence of power on your own part.
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
The way I see it, there really is no other option than to process you feelings as best you can and strive for a life well lived.
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
I don't know anyone who's gone through similar things to you and just picked themselves up and soldiered on with life so well.
I really don't want to remember my very good friend from the corps as the one that got pulped by a rocket nor the conversation I had with his mother . I really would rather remember him as a very good friend
After my father died two years ago a lot of people thought I was being quite cold when I really did not want to talk about it.
I have regular dreams about a good friend from high school. She passed about a decade ago, and the dreams still come. I don't wake up crying, though. I wake up forgetting she's gone.
I wake up, and for five minutes, my thoughts are, "Hey, that's right! I haven't seen Vanessa in ages! Wonder how she's doing." Then I shake off the cobwebs of sleep, I remember, and the leaden heaviness sets in. I play a couple of her favorite songs on Spotify, try my best to recall how it sounded when she sang the chorus of No Doubt's "Spiderwebs" on her answering machine, and then I go to work and tell everybody I'm fine when they ask how I'm doing.
I really can't remember the last time I was so chuffed about a present, thanks man
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
bit.ly/2XQM1ke
On my family's I recall not being upset with my grandfathers death, as I did not think much of him. He was miserable and aggressive to everyone he came in contact with. To be fair, my grandmother gave him a life of luxury and tended to his every desire, so he really had nothing to complain about. It was weird not feeling anything but sorrow for my grandmother more than anything. Then not too long after she died from lung cancer due to second hand smoke from my grandfather. Then I was gutted, she deserved more in life and I loved her to bits. I was denied bereavement leave from the company I worked for which doubly sucked. Still pissed about it to be honest.
I lost my partner about 6 years ago, though I don't like talking about the details. All I say to people about it is if you have to say something, say it now, don't let it wait. Let the ones you love know how you feel now, because talk is free and you never know when the thing you want to say may never be heard again. I recall one of my old bosses having a whine about how he argued with his wife and I just told him "I wish I could have the opportunity to do that, because the chance to make things right is still there". Some people take it all for granted though.
I lost 2 friends in the Tsunami a while back, I am proud of them both and still keep in contact with one of their brothers, he is a good kid. We talked about the good times we had with his sister, and I hope to one day shake his hand and treat him like a brother.
I think the most shocking thing in regards to death that won't leave me for the rest of my life is seeing a motorcyclist get basically turned to slush by a truck. The only time I have seen death face to face, and it does not go away. I seem to have a bad run with trucks and death, so I try to avoid them.
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The weirdest thing was there was a smell, I don't know if it was the house we were in or the smell of this old guy but it was really unique, and for several months after the event I would periodically suddenly smell this smell out of nowhere. Kind of like an olfactory flashback? I dunno what was going on there.
One of my best friends committed suicide about 7 years ago, that still affects me and I don't think it ever won't. There's a lot of complicated emotions tied up in her death and our relationship in the last year of her life, a lot of guilt and anger and guilt about being angry. For a long time after she died I would recognise her in crowds and have that moment of "Hey, it's..." before remembering she was gone, that was weird. If anything I get sadder about her death as I get older, instead of it getting better. Because the longer the gap the more I think about how I'm here living my life as a grown-up, however that might be going, and she lost it all at such an early age, and wondering what she'd be like if she was still here. And the more I learn and grow the more I feel like if we were in the same situation again I might be able to help her. But I never can. So there's a lot of regret and guilt. But what can you expect.
When my dad got diagnosed with a brain tumour two years ago I couldn't deal. I was pant-shitting terrified for 3 days solid and if it had gone on much longer I would have just fallen apart. We were incredibly lucky in that he got through the treatment relatively easily and he is fine as you could hope now. It is not making me feel optimistic about handling it when the inevitable comes and my parents die.
I have seen a lot of deaths so sadly I can just tell if someone has passed on. Like the guy who died in the bathroom he was just found sprawled out on the floor so when I walked in and saw him I calmly went to my supervisor and informed them
It's never easy and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
. . .that being said, people will ALWAYS ride beyond their capabilities (though who knows why this happened really) and you really can't account for that. Certainly what-if'ing oneself is no way to cope (especially not in this situation).
My dad's parents died 10-20 years ago ago (Grandma when I was pretty young, Grampa in my 20s), and my biological family (who I'm pretty close to) have been okay since then. We lost my father in law a couple years ago, but I was able to take that pretty well by just focusing on my pregnant wife and helping her.
But now my other set of grandparents are getting frail and are in their 90s. And I just found out my dad has a recurrence of low grade lymphoma, so I'm pretty sure my side of the family's luck is starting to wear thin.
I dunno what to say other than I'm thankful that I've not had to think about death much, and that I don't look forward to losing anyone more. But it's going to happen, and I just have to remember that they lived full, happy lives and try to make sure that everyone that is still around is okay.
As long as nothing happens to my wife and daughter, I think I can take anything that death throws at me. If anything happened to them... man, I'm gonna stop thinking about that now.
Anyway I miss him. He was a Cool Guy.
It's surprisingly effective.
After a while though, you realize it has been a whole day since you've thought about them. Then you'll be racked with guilt because you feel like you aren't honoring them or you aren't keeping their memory alive, but that's not the case. You're living. You're moving on.
Soon it will be a whole week since you've thought about them. Or a month. Sometimes it will be just a day or two, but when you do the ache of missing them and the pain of separation will hurt less and less. It goes from being a painful darkness that fills your mind to the passing of a cloud in front of the sun. It never goes away, and it never really should, but it becomes something you can manage. Something that just becomes a part of you. A scar to remind you of what you've gone through and what you are now.
I've lost some very close friends in some very tragic ways. Drugs. Accidents. Murder. It never goes away, and I think about them all the time, but they're just a part of me now, and they don't make me shut down when I think about them any more.
Joe, Kevin, Jeremy, Jackie, Joseph, Moe, I miss you.
I think I'd have been fucked up pretty bad(more than I already was) if something had happened to him.
Awesoming because that was beautiful and I agree. You're so sad about someone passing because you enjoyed their company so much while they were alive that they had a lasting impact.
Being shown examples of how you can die while enjoying yourself is difficult and flat out confusing. No one wants to die. But at the same time learning how to protect yourself is an important thing to do so you are constantly expose or the seriousness and the reality of the consequences of death. Additionally obviously no one wants to stop the things that make you happy. The guy who literally taught me how to climb was luckily found down a crevice with a cracked skull and a broken vertebrae after he was climbing by himself and it took me a while to reconcile with this.
Satans..... hints.....
If you're going to insist on being a stand-up motherfucker and helping me out, I'm gonna wanna give you an awful lot more, dude.
The finality of death didn't really hit me until a friend of a friend commited suicide. Death is scary. I want to be in a comfortable place when I go.
I think I have a very good idea of how you are feeling. I've had the same thought about my own situation.
I just wish my mother also had somewhere to go.
Even though I had nothing to do with him dying, for a long time I blamed myself for it, for not somehow preventing it. I blamed myself for not delaying him in some way, even though I was only 12. It was really hard for me, and it came shortly before some more really hard times. I didn't deal with it well at all, I didn't talk to anyone, and I lashed out a bit. I developed some anger issues, and some personal issues that I still carry to this day. I also gained a lot of weight and I'm pretty sure I was depressed - it's weird, at the time I didn't think anything about it, but I started.. never getting dressed? I would just sleep all day and only underwear all day unless I absolutely had to get dressed. I'd even greet people at the door in just my tighty-whiteys. At some point I kind of recovered, but to this day I still feel pangs of guilt about it and about a lot of things surrounding it.
I guess the point is that death will always be hard, and that death will always hurt, but that you can't blame yourself because in reality it's almost never your fault. There are a nearly limitless ways to die, and people come insanely close to death every day, regardless of what you do or don't do. The truth is that sometimes the dice fall poorly, and there's not much you can do to change that. Just remember those who died, try to get through the pain with some friends, and keep on living.
I'm so sorry you had to go through it in such a personal manner, and I hope you feel better soon.
Crunch Crunch! Munch Munch! Chomp Chomp! Gulp!
One of the things I see a fair bit is people struggling with how they think they should react to traumatic episodes and that in and of itself is a cause of angst.
People worrying if they are grieving 'correctly' is what I'm saying.
Now there is no doubt there are healthy and unhealthy ways to grieve, and I'm no big city mental health professional, but I generally feel like talking about emotional responses as the way you will feel rather than, 'you may feel like x, y, z or a mixture of all three' is kinda, I dunno, not good.
From my own experience, learning to not get hung up on how I was feeling and learning to accept that it was part of an ongoing process towards acceptance and 'moving on' was immensely helpful.
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better
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