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Officiating a wedding - Updated

firewaterwordfirewaterword SatchitanandaPais Vasco to San FranciscoRegistered User regular
edited July 2013 in Help / Advice Forum
Hi H&A! What's good?!

Some time ago, a very good friend of mine asked me to officiate his wedding. I've known the dude pretty much my entire life, and am beyond stoked to do this for him. Wedding is in a few weeks, and with the help of him and his bride to be, we've worked out the majority of the ceremony as far as speeches / introductions / readings go. It's pretty much a secular ceremony - I've done the rigamarole in order to get ordained already (man, the internet is great!) and we're on track to getting things buttoned up for the most part.

But since I've always been surprised by the interesting and varied experiences that the fine folks that populate this most excellent forum have had, I figured I'd cast a net out and poll all y'all for any advice, tips, and nuggets of wisdom you may have. Anyone done this before (I sure as Shinola haven't)? Anyone had a friend officiate their wedding? Anyone been to one and seen the officiant A) be incredibly awesome or B) crash and burn like oh the humanity?

Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
firewaterword on

Posts

  • The EnderThe Ender Registered User regular
    A common mistake I've seen when people officiate wedding:

    Remember that it's not just you and your buddies attending. Grandparents, children, etc, are likely to be present. Poop jokes are not going to be well received / well remembered ('Poop jokes' also encompasses stories about when your buddies got drunk, stories about what your buddies did at the peelers, stories about that time you gave the dog some pot, etc).

    I almost can't believe the number of times I've had to sit through incredibly awkward silence at a wedding, followed by some nervous / forced laughter after the MC started making poop jokes. And of course it only gets worse after they themselves realize that the jokes aren't appropriate for the setting, but that's all they wrote down so they have to just keep digging that hole.

    As a rule of thumb: If you don't think you'd hear it in a Pixar film, don't say it.


    Aside from that, just be you (you were picked for a reason, afterall). Most people will be too tired / stressed out from all of the other wedding demands to be terribly critical of how entertaining you manage to be (that said, because everyone is tired / stressed out, keep everything short. As short as possible. Short speeches, short slide presentations, etc. Keep things moving along).

    With Love and Courage
  • firewaterwordfirewaterword Satchitananda Pais Vasco to San FranciscoRegistered User regular
    Yeah, no jokes or humor in what I've written for the ceremony itself (I'm leaving that to the best man for later). If anything, I've got to avoid being too effusive in my praise for these awesome people. Definitely not trying to entertain so much as try to express to those present how incredible the bride and groom are.

    Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
  • foodlefoodle Registered User regular
    Some thoughts:

    1) Keep what you're saying short and to the point. No need for long rambling stories.

    2) Practice. You might not think you'll be nervous, but you might find that once you're up there that you are.

    3) Have a detailed written schedule you can refer to in order to keep everything straight. A friend had his boss officiate his wedding, and the boss forgot the "you may now kiss" part. It was super awkward for everyone.

  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    I officiated my friends' wedding, they provided me a script. i would definitely write one out if they don't have something for you, and clear it with them. it's totally cool to have a folio or whatever up there with you. i think they'd prefer you make sure to get everything correct rather than memorize your bit.

    It's not a toast, so i wouldn't tell any stories at all tbh.

  • DaenrisDaenris Registered User regular
    Yeah, definitely have a script and practice it a bunch of times -- practice with someone else in a big room if you can so they can make sure you're speaking loudly enough, though that doesn't matter as much if you'll have a mic at the wedding.

    My wife and I had a friend officiate our wedding. We prepared a pretty simple script ahead of time and gave it to him. He also wrote a bit about the two of us on his own and worked it into the ceremony as well which was cool (though I guess make sure they'd be okay with this if you want to do it).

  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    I disagree completely with the no stories idea. A mutual friend officiated my sisters wedding and the personal touches were what made it so memorable. If they just wanted someone to stand up their and recite the usual rigamarole they could have gotten anyone to do it. The fact that they asked you means they want that personal touch. I wouldn't tell long stories, or embarrassing stories, but a brief story about how the couple met or when they knew they were perfect for each other would be a nice touch.

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  • Ana NgAna Ng Registered User regular
    edited July 2013
    Me and my husband had a friend officiate our wedding for us. We wrote a small piece for him to say to get things rolling and prompt both of us for the vows. It was short, sweet and to the point and I would do it again a million times over.

    Whatever you're going to say, make sure you write it down and practice it a bunch.

    Ana Ng on
  • LankyseanLankysean Registered User regular
    edited July 2013
    foodle wrote: »
    Some thoughts:

    1) Keep what you're saying short and to the point. No need for long rambling stories.

    2) Practice. You might not think you'll be nervous, but you might find that once you're up there that you are.

    3) Have a detailed written schedule you can refer to in order to keep everything straight. A friend had his boss officiate his wedding, and the boss forgot the "you may now kiss" part. It was super awkward for everyone.

    This is probably the best advice ever. I can only add one thing to it, test the sound system before everyone gets there. I've been to 2 weddings where the volume was way too low and no one could hear the officiant, in my mind it totally ruined the wedding.

    Lankysean on
  • cookiekrushcookiekrush Registered User regular
    edited July 2013
    The wedding I went to used the Princess Bride scripting for the beginning to open, and then went into the Up movie theme. The vows were also based on the Up movie. The scripted was done by the three of them, minus the vows which was done by the bride and groom separately.

    Best thing about it, was how personal they made it to their wedding with a few jokes that friends and family understood without it being too cheesy or silly. Nothing too adult was said as there were many children in the wedding.

    Practice makes perfect, and clear it with the couple. You don't want to get the death stare as you're giving it. Time your speech, as the highlight isn't you, but the couple giving their vows/getting married. As long as it's tasteful, and suited to the crowd to include everyone and not be awkward, I think you're good!

    cookiekrush on
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  • foodlefoodle Registered User regular
    clear it with the couple. You don't want to get the death stare as you're giving it.
    This. Clear everything you are going to say with the couple and do it EXACTLY as you said you would. No little surprises. Their wedding. They get the final decision on what you say.

  • foodlefoodle Registered User regular
    Lankysean wrote: »
    test the sound system before everyone gets there. I've been to 2 weddings where the volume was way too low and no one could hear the officiant, in my mind it totally ruined the wedding.
    Yes, can't tell you how many weddings I've been to where the sounds was messed up (too low, too high, static, feedback, etc.). Test the sounds system for sure.

  • MaguanoMaguano Registered User regular
    buy yourself a leather looking notebook to hide the script/notes you may be reading from,

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  • firewaterwordfirewaterword Satchitananda Pais Vasco to San FranciscoRegistered User regular
    Thanks to all for the thoughtful feedback! Very good point about getting the sound system tested - I'll be mic'd and I'd hate for any issues to crop up. I remember attending a wedding where the officiant's mic kept cutting out, and while it wasn't the end of the world, it was a little bit annoying.

    Been working collaboratively with the bride and groom to get the script right, so should be all good there. Got some time so going to practice the hell out of it. Not going to try to memorize the entire thing, but I'd be happy if I could get my final reading committed to memory at least. I've got a nice leather folio I'll be using to keep things organized, which is a good tip.

    Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
  • zepherinzepherin Russian warship, go fuck yourself Registered User regular
    Oh man the stories, nothing says awkward silence like the Maid of Honor telling a story about all the dudes the Bride slept with in college.

    Stay Classy.

    Also don't get drunk before hand. It may be memorable and hilarious to the groomsmen to get the offciant drunk, and I have seen it done, but stay sober.

  • DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    Went to my SIL's wedding where sister to the groom officiated. We did a trial run earlier in the day and not just nailing down the order of who says what when, but also blocking (who goes where when) of the wedding party up and down the aisle. It was real helpful to know and have practiced in advance how we were going to get to and from our seats.

  • firewaterwordfirewaterword Satchitananda Pais Vasco to San FranciscoRegistered User regular
    Yeah definitely going to rehearse the physical bits. No wedding party (just best man and maiden of honor) to worry about, so good there. No stories or anecdotes in the ceremony - lots of time for that later during the reception. Same goes for jokes and such.

    Definitely no drinking for me prior. Again, leaving that for the reception. Man I couldn't imagine trying to get up there and nail it with a few under the belt. Would be bad news.

    @cookiekrush - hysterical! The very first thing I did when asked to do this was send along the "wuv... twoo wuv..." clip. One of my favorite scenes in that movie for sure.

    Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
  • TL DRTL DR Not at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered User regular
    f-dub! I've done two weddings, actually. The first was awful, since it was my friend's sister and she was kind of bridezilla and I wasn't close to her and I was really nervous, etc.

    The second was fantastic, my very good friend and his awesome wife made it easy to think of things to say.

    Practice. A lot.

    Offbeatbride.com is a neat resource.

    Talk to the bride's mother; some people will tell you that she's the most important person there. That said, she isn't signing your (proverbial) paycheck, so obviously follow the wishes of the couple.

  • Iron WeaselIron Weasel Dillon! You son of a bitch!Registered User regular
    I officiated my sister's wedding a couple of years ago. Everyone told me what a great job I did, so either I was ok or they were all being very polite.

    Anyway, I offer this advice:

    1- Remember to have fun. You are at a wedding and have been granted a singular honour. Enjoy this moment and take the opportunity to make your friend's wedding memorable.

    2- This is still kinda serious. You are at a wedding. It is a joyous but also a solemn event: your friend and his fiancee are pledging themselves to one another for the rest of their lives. You have been granted a singular honour in this moment; anecdotes are fine, but keep them light and inoffensive. The minutes before vows are exchanged is not the time to recount the tale of The Sick Kegger At Lance's Parents' Cottage.
    When you speak, do so from the heart (but take time to rehearse beforehand!). Relax and smile.

    (Oh, and when the bride and groom go in for the Big Kiss, consider a discrete step out of frame of any pictures being taken.)

    You're going to be great.

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  • firewaterwordfirewaterword Satchitananda Pais Vasco to San FranciscoRegistered User regular
    TL DR wrote: »
    f-dub! I've done two weddings, actually. The first was awful, since it was my friend's sister and she was kind of bridezilla and I wasn't close to her and I was really nervous, etc.

    The second was fantastic, my very good friend and his awesome wife made it easy to think of things to say.

    Practice. A lot.

    Offbeatbride.com is a neat resource.

    Talk to the bride's mother; some people will tell you that she's the most important person there. That said, she isn't signing your (proverbial) paycheck, so obviously follow the wishes of the couple.

    Tim! What's good homey! Thanks for the input bruv - glad to hear your 2nd one went smashingly. Yeah on that last point it's a bit iffy - the groom's mom is basically a second mother, but I barely know the bride's family. Met mom twice and dad once years and years ago. Not too stressed since she (the bride) helped me write a great little blurb mentioning/thanking them which turned out quite well. Wish it weren't the case but thems the breaks.

    PS - say what's up to the chat bros for me. Can't find the time these days to post 90s hip hop and crack wise!
    You're going to be great.
    Thanks for the words of encouragement cuz! Good tip regarding the big kiss - probably wouldn't have occurred to me (though hopefully the photog is trained to avoid photobombers - accidental or not!).

    But seriously, Lance's kegger was the shit. Chad still talks about it.

    Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
  • firewaterwordfirewaterword Satchitananda Pais Vasco to San FranciscoRegistered User regular
    Hey all you awesome people!

    Wedding was yesterday, and everything went wonderfully. Easily one of the best days in memory, hands down. Thanks again to all who posted tips and advice - was way helpful! You folks rock.

    Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
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