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venting/breakup advice

AmbivalentAmbivalent Registered User regular
in Help / Advice Forum
So, before I go into the question I think I should give some brief history about the relationship. I met this girl during my first semester of university. She was my teaching assistant in a class, and began to significantly pursue me during the later half of the semester. I was attracted to her, but I wasn't looking to start anything with her, because she was actually in a year long relationship with someone and I am not sure if I could live with myself for being the other guy, or the "homewrecker", I guess. In retrospect I should have maybe distanced myself at this point, But I continued to be friendly with her, and eventually after me basically rejecting her a lot she broke up with her long time boyfriend- who I do remember she told me she loved more that a few times.... which I guess were some more blatant red flags. We began to see each other, and it was pretty good. We dated for a few months, which was during part of the end of last semester till about a week from now, and it was pretty good. The only thing that stood out as odd, but not really bad, was some of things that she would say to me . She would often tell me things like "I want to tell you I love you, but it's too soon", or that "I really like you, and I am going to put me in her life plan." and often I wouldn't know how to reply to them. I can't say that they didn't make me happy, it made me feel special but they always sort of struck me as kinda odd, especially as they almost came immediately after we started dating.

Anyways, skip forward to two weeks ago, and she told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be in a relationship right now, because she just got out of school, and want's to focus on her career, which admittedly is understandable, especially since she was looking at starting working in Ottawa later this month, and she had been in a previous long distance relationship before and she felt like she couldn't go through another. She told me that she really liked, but just wanted to be friends. So, I agreed with the break up, and to be friends, but I was obviously a little upset. I had grown really attached to her, and I did care for her a great deal.

So, today I found out after kinda poking my nose where I shouldn't have, just through creeping on twtter, that she in fact met someone else last week and is apparently in love with him, and apparently he is too. This declaration of love on twitter was accompanied by a few pictures of them cozying up, and taking couple pictures. After viewing this I almost instantly cried, felt like an idiot, and then destroyed all means of contact with her. In basically that order...

ADVICE:

so, now I am here writing this and wondering if I made the right decision. It was rash, and I actually will probably miss her for some time, but I honestly feel like she didn't care about me nearly as much as I did, or claimed she did. And the fact that she is on her third (maybe more) consecutive LOVE YOU ARE THE GREATEST/I NEVER WANT TO LET YOU GO relationship makes me think that I should get myself completely out of her her environment. Like, I think that sounds pretty reasonable, but is it callous? I don't know.

I also feel pretty low right now, confidence is down the floor, and I know it will subside eventually, but does anyone have any advice on how to maybe quicken it? lol I've decided to start working out, and I think that should help some, and a girl asked me to go downtown on Saturday, and I did agree but I am not sure if it is a good idea, or not?

tl;dr : girl broke up with man she loved for me, started seeing me and told me that she was essentially in love with me, broke up with me, and now is in love with someone else a week or so later. WHAT DO I DO?










Posts

  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    She's maybe got problems?

    Chalk this one up to a learning experience dude, and do your best to move on with your life. Maybe don't jump back into a relationship right away, be single for a little while, get back on your feet.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    Yes yes yes yes yes you did the right thing by removing methods of contacting you. It is the best thing to do. I can't be clear enough that it's the best thing you could have done for yourself.

    I can't claim to know what her deal is, or her intentions, and it doesn't even matter in the end. She broke up with you, it's over, you don't need to care anymore. That's not to say you won't care, but do the working out thing, go with the new girl, meet new people, try to move on. And you will, it'll just take the amount of time it takes. Putting your mind to other things will help in the long run.

    And quit looking her up. That is the fastest way back down memory lane.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • The EnderThe Ender Registered User regular
    ceres wrote: »
    Yes yes yes yes yes you did the right thing by removing methods of contacting you. It is the best thing to do. I can't be clear enough that it's the best thing you could have done for yourself.

    I can't claim to know what her deal is, or her intentions, and it doesn't even matter in the end. She broke up with you, it's over, you don't need to care anymore. That's not to say you won't care, but do the working out thing, go with the new girl, meet new people, try to move on. And you will, it'll just take the amount of time it takes. Putting your mind to other things will help in the long run.

    And quit looking her up. That is the fastest way back down memory lane.

    ^ This ^

    Try not to take it personally. I'd have to know you better to yay or nay going out with another girl; for some people it's a great way to get back on their feet, for some people it's a great way to spread the misery to a third party and cause a bigger mess.

    Use your best judgement: are you thinking of going out to have fun and meet new people, or are you thinking of going out because of some really negative or carnal urge? If the former, go for it, if the latter, maybe find something else to do until you've simmered down.

    With Love and Courage
  • LostNinjaLostNinja Registered User regular
    She started pursuing you while in a relationship, and started a relationship with this other guy while with you. It's probably safe to say this is sort of a trend for her, and not one you want to have any further part of. This isn't on you, it's on her, this is some problem that she has, just be glad that you found out now while the relationship was only a few months old. Cutting off contact was the right call, and it sounds like the steps you are taking are the same things I would do in your situation, working out is a great way to work through any residual stress and anxiety from this, and hanging out with other people is a great way to forget about her and meet someone with less issues.

  • k-mapsk-maps I wish I could find the Karnaugh map for love. 2^<3Registered User regular
    edited August 2013
    yup, you can't be everyone's therapist. The only comfort you can take from this is that she's not your problem anymore. You're definitely on the right track for getting over this, and I wouldn't talk to her if I were you. I know it's probably hard for you to see, but you really got off relatively easy...it could've been a drawn-out ordeal sucking the life out of you like a metroid. I think people sometime use this too often, but seriously, count your blessings.

    (ceres, did anyone ever propose a sub-forum* in H/A for relationship advice? It seems it's like 10% of traffic here, and you could have like a sticky thread with common advice)

    k-maps on
  • naporeonnaporeon Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    For a substantial part of my life, I have conducted myself more or less like the girl you are describing. With that in mind, I can tell you that yes, you absolutely did the right thing. I'll stop short of saying she's a f**ked up asshole, but you are much better off giving yourself a very wide berth at this point.

    Good for you on doing the right thing. Stay strong!

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  • KarlKarl Registered User regular
    edited August 2013
    Just to echo everyone elses advice, cut all contact. No facebook, twitter or anything else related. Also delete her number and ditch anything she gave you (if possible) and any photos you have of her/you two together.

    She sounds like she has issues and you don't need the hassle.

    And as for advice on moving on?

    You've found in my view the best way. Exercise is a great way of taking your mind of things. Its also mega hyper effective if you're unfit. Seriously, this girl will be the last thing on your mind when you're on a run and you need all your concentration on regulating your breathing.

    Just don't rush into a new relationship or anything. I'm not saying be single (though that is a pretty good idea) but don't rush into a brand new "I LOVE YOU ALWAYS" relationship.

    Karl on
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
    k-maps wrote: »
    (ceres, did anyone ever propose a sub-forum* in H/A for relationship advice? It seems it's like 10% of traffic here, and you could have like a sticky thread with common advice)

    It's come up on occasion. :P We're not doing it.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    Lostninja has it right, clearly this is her MO. if it's any consolation, she'll probably do it to this new guy as well.

    honestly, don't even concern yourself with her antics. it is a gut punch to have something like this happen to you, but just dust yourself off and move on. Perhaps it may be too soon for a "date" but hanging out with friends is definitely a good thing. time heals all wounds, etc etc.

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