The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
I have feelings for my best friend...
Pentaghost
Classification: NOT SO BADThe Southern OracleRegistered User regular
Classification: NOT SO BADThe Southern OracleRegistered User regular
Pretty strong feelings too. She has a boyfriend, though, and while I want her to be happy, it's getting really difficult to even think of them together without feeling like shit. About a month ago we had something of a heart to heart and she confessed that she had feelings for me. She told me that she gets butterflies around me all the time and was thinking a lot about what it would be like to kiss/date me. Not to go into too much detail but she feels the exact same way about me as I do about her. I confessed that I really liked her too and wanted the same things - you can judge me as harshly as you like for that but when the girl you're crazy about confesses to liking you it's hard to think rationally. Immediately after that conversation I got hit with "I love my boyfriend though and I have no intention of leaving him." Ever since then she's been acting like she never said anything and it feels like she's taken a step back in terms of how close we are. We're still really close and talk/hang out all the time, it just feels a little different.
To be honest I'm pretty angry with her for even telling me those things in the first place, I'm not sure what she could have possibly gained by confessing she liked me and immediately telling me that she doesn't want to be with me. It's a bit of an emotional roller coaster for a start and it seems to have opened a whole can of worms because now I can barely deal with her having a boyfriend and I don't know why. I could tolerate it beforehand but now it's tearing me apart. She's going through a tough time with him at the moment and comes to me to vent/get advice (which I hate) but I always give the best advice that I can and support her as much as possible. I want to be there for her first and foremost, but it hurts like hell to hear her talk about how much she wants to be with another guy. Now they've gone off on a mini-break for the weekend to patch things up and I'm sat here wondering what to do.
I don't like to admit it but I'm head over heels for this girl and it's killing me. She is my best friend and has helped me through so much, I know that the sane and logical thing would be to take a massive step back myself and cut her off from being a significant part of my life but I don't know that I can do that. I can't watch her be with another guy either though... so you can see my dilemma. It was easier to deal with things before I knew how she felt about me, now that I know she feels the same way it has become a million times harder.
So has anyone been in a similar situation? Is it possible to salvage this? The last thing I want is to lose her from my life but I don't see my feeling for her disappearing. I feel like a terrible friend too because I'm starting to secretly wish she'll break up with her boyfriend. I would never do anything to facilitate that and like I said before when she asks me for advice I always give her the best I have to offer. I don't know what the hell to do. I know that walking away and moving on is the rational choice but that's easier said than done. Help.
To be honest I'm pretty angry with her for even telling me those things in the first place, I'm not sure what she could have possibly gained by confessing she liked me and immediately telling me that she doesn't want to be with me. It's a bit of an emotional roller coaster for a start and it seems to have opened a whole can of worms because now I can barely deal with her having a boyfriend and I don't know why. I could tolerate it beforehand but now it's tearing me apart. She's going through a tough time with him at the moment and comes to me to vent/get advice (which I hate) but I always give the best advice that I can and support her as much as possible. I want to be there for her first and foremost, but it hurts like hell to hear her talk about how much she wants to be with another guy. Now they've gone off on a mini-break for the weekend to patch things up and I'm sat here wondering what to do.
I don't like to admit it but I'm head over heels for this girl and it's killing me. She is my best friend and has helped me through so much, I know that the sane and logical thing would be to take a massive step back myself and cut her off from being a significant part of my life but I don't know that I can do that. I can't watch her be with another guy either though... so you can see my dilemma. It was easier to deal with things before I knew how she felt about me, now that I know she feels the same way it has become a million times harder.
So has anyone been in a similar situation? Is it possible to salvage this? The last thing I want is to lose her from my life but I don't see my feeling for her disappearing. I feel like a terrible friend too because I'm starting to secretly wish she'll break up with her boyfriend. I would never do anything to facilitate that and like I said before when she asks me for advice I always give her the best I have to offer. I don't know what the hell to do. I know that walking away and moving on is the rational choice but that's easier said than done. Help.
0
Posts
If she's not going to break up with him and you can't get over her as things are, the best thing you can do for both of you is to create your own distance and take a break from her. It doesn't need to be forever, but right now your friendship is a pretense. You can't really be a good friend to her again until you get over her, but what you could do is blow up the friendship horribly by saying or doing something out of frustration that you'll really regret later.
It can all work out in the end!
My Backloggery
I think you might as well be honest. Your cards are already on the table. Just tell her you're hurt right now and need some space for a while, and you don't know how long.
I know what you're going through and it really sucks. You'll feel better eventually. And there'll be a time when you think you're feeling better, but then the next time you see her it'll hit you like a sack of bricks again. And that'll happen a lot. Just wait it out.
As you already figured out OP, distance is key. If she's hurt by the distance, and she will notice it, there's no reason you can't be honest and explain to her that you need time to get over your feelings for her. But you do need to move on.
"I want you to be happy, and I assume your relationship is important to you as part of your happiness. Because we're having these feelings that don't fit into the context of your relationship, let's take some space from each other."
You can't be her best friend and hope she'll break up with her boyfriend. So go spend time with other friends and build up your own emotional base so you aren't hurting over this. If they split you can reevaluate, if (more likely) they don't, it won't hurt you as much. If you want to be honest with yourself, though, you can't try to run both ideas at the same time.
As a result, I managed to alienate a good chunk of our shared group of friends and make things super-awkward between me and her for the last four months she was at school. I still beat myself over the head when I remember it- like now. It lead to plenty of strained friendships because once that particular cat is out of the bag, you can't put the cat back in, not to mention almost destroyed our friendship completely.
Just take off for a few days and cool your jets away from any sight or mention of her. Stay off Facebook, find something to occupy your time until you're out of that goddamn rut and able to look at the relationship logically, instead of emotionally.
There is light at the end of the tunnel- I'm in a relationship right now and couldn't be happier.
You may still have a friendship with this person, but it will never be as close as it used to be. There will always be that tinge of "are they only doing xyz for me because they think I will throw over my S.O. for them?", and it will color everything you've ever said or did in their minds.
Don't be a moron like I was.
I can has cheezburger, yes?
How you get over it is simple...and she's doing it. You need to do it too.
You find someone else.
The time your spending on her is only reinforcing that existing feeling. Distance will help remove that problem..but distance isnt just leaving someone alone. You have to find someone else.
You can, of course, leave it as an ultimatum....which is something like: "Listen, I know how you feel about me. You know how I feel about you. When you're available in the future - you know how to find me"
Or you can keep the friendship you have...but focus a majority of your time on someone else.
Eeek, much much easier said than done. Also, the general consensus seems to be that you should feel comfortable with yourself just on your own before seeking someone else.
Not really as complicated as the situation you're in, but I feel I might only have been a step away from that. Also, do understand that polyamory is a thing that works for some people. I am somewhat remiss to actually bring it up at all, since I know nothing about you, your friend or her boyfriend.
There's no such thing as "in love." This concept that people have that somehow a magical love fairy connects you to someone is just silly.
Love is a construct of attraction, friendship, and most of all dedication. The grass is always greener where you're watering it, so even if you're just internally dedicating time and emotional space to someone, you're "growing" your feelings for them. When this is unrequited, you're wasting your time and energy and should really do something else. Once you manage to spend your time and attention on something else, your feelings will fade (although you'll always be attracted to the person).
I didn't tell her that I'm going to be taking a step back. Seeing the gift she had bought for me and knowing how important I am to her (I'm the only real friend she has) made it really difficult to say "Good luck with all that. Bye!" I don't want to sound arrogant but I feel like she really needs me right now and I felt so guilty and selfish at the prospect of telling her we can't hang out anymore that I didn't go through with it.
I don't know how to handle this. I care for her so deeply that purposefully not being there for her makes me feel terrible. Being there for her makes me feel terrible too, though. Should I sit her down one night and just explain to her the exact reasons for why I don't want to be around her anymore? Or should I just give her an excuse and let her figure it out for herself? She already knows my feelings for her so I don't think it would ruin our friendship if I told her the truth.
I wish she had never told me how she felt about me. Liking someone who doesn't like you back is hard enough, but to like someone who feels the exact same way about you and yet you still can't be with them? Ouch. I'm just venting now. I went into our conversation on Monday fully intending on following the advice on this thread, it was just a lot more difficult than I expected.
Exactly this. @Pentaghost, it is healthier for both of you if you take a step back. Just look at what you are writing. You are waaaaaaay wound up about this girl.
Real talk: you aren't her friend right now, no matter how much you feel like you are. What you are is a dude who is strongly attracted to her and smells blood in the water. You need to give yourself time to get over -- or at least start genuinely processing -- your feelings for her, or every interaction you have with her is going to be colored by your attraction to her. And possibly made toxic.
Much of what you are doing now is rationalizing. And NO ONE judges you for rationalizing. Hell, I'm sure just about everyone in this thread, male or female, has been in this exact situation before. But what you really need to do is get some space, so that you two can get back to the friendship you both deserve.
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)
1. Ignorant of relationships
2. Oblivious
3. Cruel/selfish
It's hard to know, because I don't know how old she is. I'm going to go with #1, but with a hint of the other two. She knows how you feel about her, she has made her feelings clear about loving her boyfriend and wanting to stay with him, but she continues to use you as a confidant. She shouldn't be doing that. She's leading you on, most likely without meaning to, but deep down she probably knows on some level that she can't be friends with you in the same way. But fuck it, she's doing it anyway. "Here's a gift for you! I was just thinking of you when I saw this." It's totally normal to do that as friends. It's totally excruciating to do that to a friend who has confessed romantic feelings for you, and you've confessed them back.
"I love my boyfriend though and I have no intention of leaving him." She made her feelings clear. Best case scenario you ruin a relationship where she was in love. In a couple of years (if it even gets that far) you can look forward to being the boyfriend she's in love with and has no intention of leaving. You will be the boyfriend she bitches about to other people. Maybe it will be a male coworker, or some other male friend who she's talking to who think you're an awful boyfriend, and she'd be better of with them. That is the part of the story that every romantic movie never bothers to tell.
She's not in love with you, just curious. She doesn't seem to want to take it beyond that. She told you that shit because she's your best friend, and best friends tend to tell each other stuff they wouldn't tell anyone else.
The good thing to come out of this is that you are desirable guy, and can be a good friend. Being a good friend in this case means not trying to destroy a relationship just so you can have one. It means setting boundaries, for you and for her.
She seems to be completely inconsiderate towards your feelings, and you're forgiving her because of them.
There's really no use lying to save her feelings here. It'd be a disservice to both of you.
BF3 Battlelog | Twitter | World of Warships | World of Tanks | Wishlist
I love any opportunity I have to disagree with @ceres, but this is absolutely your best advice. All of it, really. You care about her, she cares about you, and as much as your heart may want to make a production out of it, the quiet, drama-free approach is best for both of you here.
Best of luck, man.
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)
If you don't take that path. I just want to say.
"Don't be that guy."
Good lord...get the hell out of that situation. Only trouble is going to come of it.
Don't sit around listening to her vent about her relationship; if she has relationship problems she should be talking them over with her boyfriend, not you. And you shouldn't be listening. You're a man with better things to do than root around in their relationship business, aren't you?
And no big talks. Madness lies that way. Just step back from her. She wants to hang out, oh, you're busy. Leave social media alone for awhile. Make plans on your own with your friends. Throw yourself into your job or schoolwork. Be a rad dude, with hobbies and cool interests, and eventually I bet she comes knocking, but by then you'll already be a rad dude and won't have time for her high school drama.
And lastly, as counter-intuitive as this may be; if you want her to look at you as dating material, then be less available.
Now I need to go take my mind off of things for a while.
I've been in a similar place before, it's not a pleasant one.
My advice is essentially the same advice I give to people who have just broken up with a significant other (that is; distracted, not necessarily in a good place, probably feeling a little down); go have fun. Hit the gym to burn off a little pent up frustration / excess energy, catch up on a book/show series you've been meaning to (in moderation, of course), hang with friends, etc. Obviously there are disparities here, but it sounds like you've got a fair grasp of the whole situation, and hopefully hearing a rough start to getting things back on track helps.
Pretty much this. You'll find someone else, eventually. Don't let your feelings for this girl make you think that she's the only one out there for you. Take a break, get some time away, take a deep breath, and get back in it when you're ready.
EDIT; I fail at image tags...
I can has cheezburger, yes?