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I'm afraid of dying alone.
Kyougu
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This is embarrassing to type out, but it's worse to say outloud, so I don't have anyone else to turn to:
I'm 31 and never had a girlfriend.
This realization hit me really hard today..usually it's at the back of my head, but I don't let it bother me too much. Today was different, I genuinely broke down.
It's partly because lately I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I seem to have no luck. I used to have low self steem, was pretty much a shut in, and was overweight, but in the past couple of years I done a whole 180. I started excercising and lost a lot of weight and now do yoga, climbing and what not as often as possible. I started putting myself out there more, learning that I was a an extrovert and surprisingly ended up with tons of friends (I even run a meetup group ) and I generally feel like I have confidence. I feel like I done so much to improve myself, and yet it's not enough.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not even sure what sort of advise I'm looking for (I do everything most would recommend: online dating, meetup, etc). Even though I have an amazing number of great friends and people who I know care about me, the thought of growing older and still being alone terrifies me. I just don't know how to deal with it.
I'm 31 and never had a girlfriend.
This realization hit me really hard today..usually it's at the back of my head, but I don't let it bother me too much. Today was different, I genuinely broke down.
It's partly because lately I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I seem to have no luck. I used to have low self steem, was pretty much a shut in, and was overweight, but in the past couple of years I done a whole 180. I started excercising and lost a lot of weight and now do yoga, climbing and what not as often as possible. I started putting myself out there more, learning that I was a an extrovert and surprisingly ended up with tons of friends (I even run a meetup group ) and I generally feel like I have confidence. I feel like I done so much to improve myself, and yet it's not enough.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not even sure what sort of advise I'm looking for (I do everything most would recommend: online dating, meetup, etc). Even though I have an amazing number of great friends and people who I know care about me, the thought of growing older and still being alone terrifies me. I just don't know how to deal with it.
+1
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I turned 31 in July. Over the last decade, I've been in therapy three times for very similar thoughts - I came to realize that I was going to die at age 12, and for most of the following 19 years I kept feeling mortality creeping up on me as incessantly as my mom's nagging. It's taken me a long time to realize that I'm still really young, and nothing is set in stone.
It's tough in this world to not know what you want out of life. But one thing I've been told, time and time again, is that looking for someone to provide you with meaning is kind of the wrong way to go about it. You become dependent, clingy, and it leads to unhealthy places. You need to be in a good place yourself first and foremost.
Also? You aren't alone. Sure, our society puts a lot of emphasis on relationships. I couldn't tell you how much I hate zoosk.com, match.com, and eharmony (and Christian Mingle for that matter, why does that shit keep showing up for me on Facebook and Cracked!?) . You've said it yourself, though: You have a lot of friends, and people who care about you. Those relationships are just as important as anything physical.
Now, I'm sure everything I'm saying sounds like a platitude. After all - I broke down crying for 10 minutes a couple therapy sessions ago when my therapist said them to me. I still twinge and tear up when people tell me I'm worthwhile and genuinely mean it. But that's because it's a process to build self confidence.. a long process. But it's the only way you'll find AND THEN achieve what you want in life.
The first step is admitting you need help. The second is actually seeking it out, and the third is following through on the tough part of acting on that help. And I thank SE++ way more often than they realize for leading me down that path.
Edit: Holy crap man you seem further along in this journey than I am, based on all the awesome stuff you've accomplished in the last few years!
I discovered two things.
1) You just can't predict the future. You're never too (something) to find someone, and it won't be expected. If it could happen to me it could happen to anyone. Hell, when I met Ceres I'd already given up on dating permanently.
2) Not caring overmuch is actually helpful. I have a friend who is in a similar position. He's having trouble primarily because he cares too much, and it turns girls off. He's too desperate, and it comes off all wrong.
Keep in mind that good things could still happen, and might not until you're in your late 30's.
That said, I can't completely resist giving some advice. I've found that, in my case, it was shared interests that brought me and Ceres together. So instead of specifically dating, join groups and activities where other 30+ people gather. The more people you meet, the better your chances.
Now that I've given some advice, I can get back to something really important. I'm free to chat about my situation, and hear more about yours. Feel free to PM me, or we can chat in-thread if you like.
I hope this helps!
31 is still crazy young, I know it doesn't feel like it ( I still flip flop over how old I feel at 34)
And while there is no scientific basis to it, I swear , desperation/etc/trying too hard, can be felt by , I dunno, the universe I guess, and it will be a wang and deny it.
Then you'll give up and BAM 40 messages will hit your online profile, it makes no sense!
I've had many a folk on this board help with my profile, would help with yours if able/direct you to even better helpers. ( Mostly cause you have such a sweet avatar,
With all your self improvement, confidence will be returning as well, even if it doesn't feel like it now. Confidence is sooooo important. If you are putting out a vibe of negativity about yourself, others can pick up on it easily too, but the same works in reverse , love yourself, and others will begin to also!
Pm me also if ever need an ear/help/etc
- Do you go places where you meet people? If so, are there women that you would like to develop a relationship with at those places? If so, just ask one of them if you can take them to lunch / dinner / coffee. This is a friendly and universal way to say, "I like you, would you like to go on a date,"
Of course it doesn't guarantee that you'll get a date, or that after you buy the young lady lunch she will become your girlfriend, but in my opinion there are few better ways to start things off in a real-world meet-up.
- If you don't go to places where you meet people which includes women you are attracted to, you have a few options:
1) Most obviously, find places to go to meet women you are attracted to.
2) Use an online dating site like OkCupid. It definitely does work, but it is what some people refer to as a 'numbers game' - you have to expect that most messages you send out will not be responded to. There is a very helpful critique & venting thread in D&D if you want to try this out.
3) Use a paid matchmaking service. Again, it's a numbers game, but acquaintances who have tried these services found them very useful. Just do your homework before calling one; as always, there are plenty of scam artists out there who will only make you miserable and take your money.
Steer clear of anyone declaring themselves to be 'pick up artists' or into 'neuro-linguistic programming'. There are a lot of those assholes waiting to prey on people like yourself, and I found that they would almost magically come out of the woodwork whenever I mentioned feeling lonely. There are no secret words or special rituals involved in finding a significant other - you just have to go looking until you find someone who also happens to be looking. You might be surprised at how many such people are basically out there and looking for you right now, but just haven't run into you yet.
EDIT: ...And something I just want to note if you do start asking people out at a place you frequent:
For reasons I don't think i will ever fully understand, my experience has been that about 98% of people will say, "Yes," but maybe 50% or so will actually have meant it. If someone agrees to go to lunch/coffee/dinner with you, but you can see that they clearly aren't comfortable with the idea, make sure you give them an explicit exit opportunity (pleasantly letting them know that it's totally cool if they don't want to go, something like that). You don't want to have lunch with someone that does not at all want to be there if you can avoid it, believe you me.
About women. I am not an expert by any means, but my personal experience is that women tend to happen when you stop being obsessed about finding one. Pressure breeds insecurity and fear, and being afraid of 50% of humanity makes for a very miserable life.
Something that has helped me and my friends, all of us the awkward insecure type, is realizing that you are a totally normal person and that's absolutely enough. You don't need to be anyone super special, super ripped, super rich or super smart to be liked. The reasoning is not "normal people get women, therefore I am not normal", the reasoning is "I am a perfectly normal person, with tons of friends and interesting interests, there is no reason whatsoever why a woman would not like me". You need to get into that mindset or you will only sabotage yourself. You can see that on your own phrasing: "I feel like I done so much to improve myself, and yet it's not enough". It IS enough because there is not a magic booty threshold.
Lastly. Most people are insecure too. I have seen many cases where a guys was very shy and the girl, who liked him a lot, mistook that insecurity for disinterest or hostility. That's why one of the more counter productive attitudes you can have (I don't know if it's your case, but I will just put it out here) is thinking that you offend women by showing interest in them, I have been guilty of that, as have been a lot of my friends. We overcame it by realizing that being interested in someone is good, it's not an insult, it's not creepy by itself. A woman that knows you are interested in her should feel good about it, even if she does not reciprocate, because you are a perfectly worthy person and being liked by a worthy person is a good thing. So don't be afraid to show interest. My second best girlfriend was the result of me getting tired of my own insecurity and sending a message out of the blue to a friend of a friend I had never met before, asking her to get a coffee some day. We are still good friends.
There is something I started doing when I was 22 and I still do occasionally, which is, some night you go out, or some day you see a woman you like anywhere, just talk to her, look for an excuse and start a conversation. Take it as an exercise, you are not actually trying anything, you are doing it just for the sake of it, there is no fear of failure because once you talk to her about whatever you can think of, you have won, you can take the rest of the day off, have a beer of victory and celebrate your success. This is a great way to dispel fear and insecurity, just practice.
I'm sorry about the tirade, but this is something that affects me and has affected my friends a lot, and I hate to see people feeling like that. It's only my personal view and I know it sounds a lot like self-help bullshit, but it REALLY is a matter of attitude rather than anything else.
Like I said, the most frustrating part about this is that I feel like I'm doing everything possible and getting no results. My OkCupid account has been looked over by folks here before I worked it over, and yet no results. I'll send a well thought out message to someone, have them check my profile and then nothing. I stay active, both social and physically and actually meet tons of new people all the time. I actually have a good number of female friends that I met through these venues, and some I was interested in, but they weren't interested in me (which is fine, and I value their friendships now). After a while the question stops becoming "What am I doing wrong?" and starts becoming "What is wrong with me?"
Reasonably, I know in the greater spans of things, I shouldn't be too concerned. I have way more people that care about me and are there for me than I ever expected, my life is filled with tons of laughs and fun activites (rarely is a weekend where I stay home) and I should be proud on all the improvements I done on myself and how far I come (I never expected to be able to run a 5k, and now I done that, half marathon and training for a full). Yet I still feel like I'm missing out. It's not even the physical contact so much as I wish I had that emotional connection.
I appreciate anyone reading this. As close as I am to my friends, I couldn't imagine unloading this on them, it feels embarassing enough typing it out.
You should totally discuss it with your friends, though. We can give only general advice and opinions here, but your friends know you better and they probably can give you better specific advice about places you can go, people you can meet etc. They may actually actively help you, which is something we can't do here, and knowing and appreciating you they will be even more supportive than us.
Have you been on dates?
Keep in mind there's going to be a lot of stumbling on dates until you get used to it. If they're your friends, they'll understand and won't judge you for it.
If my friend was having a problem I'd try to help as best as I could. I think they key thing is getting you on dates first, not trying to find a perfect match yet. Feel people out and find what you're looking for in a person. Learn to converse with FORD too.
I'm not helping am I?
Eventually one of your tonnes of friends will lead you to a partner. The key is to never say no to a social engagement, especially if you are thinking "I don't want to go - I won't know anyone at that party."
Also, even though I've had relationships before, I'm going through the driest period in my life right now, and I have no idea why. I think there's a huge luck component that is often overlooked when giving advice on this. It could be that a lot of women you've met would be totally into dating you if they haven't just started seeing someone else, or just got out a shitty relationship, or being incredibly shy. What I'm saying is that you could be doing everything right, and there would still be tons of factors outside of your control messing things up. Either way, the best course of action is to just try to enjoy yourself as much as possible.
Relationships are a fundamental part of the human experience and so are s legitimate thing to crave. But, for better or for worse, it's the only thing that has not been effectively commercialized by corporations. Sex, sure, but not relationships.
So, if you're around 30, this is why it's harder to find a person.
Do you have a problem getting the first date? If so, just ask the girl for a date, within the first day you meet her. Don't ask for a number, ask for a date. The best time for the date? Right now, like leave whatever venue you are currently at, and go to a new venue, just the two of you. Baring right now, sooner is better; the less you think about it, the better it goes.
Do you have a problem getting the second date? If so, your first date wasn't cozy enough. The difference between friends and relationships is space: you give your friends their personal space, but couples routinely occupy each others' personal space. You want to get close whilst talking, you want to touch whilst talking, you want to hold hands whilst walking, all the stuff you see couples do, you want to do some of that on the first date. Otherwise, it wasn't a date; it was just two friends hanging out. Everything I mentioned is a bare minimum of what happens on a first date that leads to a second date.
Yeah, I never even been on a date. I was super socially awkward up till a few years ago, and now even though I'm a completely different person (People comment on how friendly and outgoing I am upon first meeting me) I can't seem to breach the line between friendly interactions and flirting.
One of my closest friends is female so I think I'm going to try talking about to her about this and get her perspective. Tonight I have my meetup group monthly happy hour, so I'll see if anything comes out of that/
I don't know - obviously if you could figure the issue out, you wouldn't be asking for advice, but all we can do is read what you say. H/A threads are a bit like an epistolary novel where we have to discount the biases of the writer. You seem pretty self-aware , so hard to say what you are missing.
Given your lack of dating experience and how sad you feel on this thread, I suspect you are coming across as too needy or nervous or something else. But, none of us really can tell what the issue is without meeting you in the flesh.
Also, as long as you are being social I'd have no regrets. I am 29 and have more or less been continuously dating since I was 16. Like a two-week turnover. It is fun in some ways, but it also means every time I break up with someone I have lost a really good friends I have spent 3 months-2 years developing as a good friend. My friendships just aren't as strong as a result due to time being a scarce resource, and I definitely wish sometimes I had spent less time dating and more time building friendships.
Especially for you, when you do date someone, you will need to resist the urge to spend all your time with that person or over communicate , because again, you will push someone away if you are too suffocating or needy.
You should understand that even at 31...holy shit, life is LONG..just think of how long you've been going so far..and you barely even remember the first 10 years of it.
Sometimes we find people later in life..its not a race per say, but you shouldn't stop looking at any age. You never know when the next cup of coffee is gonna be shared with the person who is gonna be changing your diaper in 40 years.
If you mean just dying alone in general...Hell man...we're all gonna get old...and we're all gonna lean on each other as we get older. You realize that we're going to argue about the best Zelda game when we're sitting in a nursing home while someones playing "Hungry like the wolf" for the 14th time? Half of us are probably gonna expire of a heart attack when we're trying to run to the next panel show at PAX.
Remember us...we're here too...and we're all gonna have an end to our lives at some point... so the key is to enjoy what we have. Gamers for Life, Yo'.
Call on us...we'll die with you anytime.
"Hey, you wanna go see [movie] this weekend?"
If you're at a bar, and the DJ's doing their job?
"Hey, do you want to dance?" (This one's great because even if she says no, you still get to dance.)
You have to say it like you know she's gonna say yes. And you have to say it like it's no sweat if she says no.
I mean, it is no sweat. If you get rejected you're still a guy with the willpower to turn his life around, who has a ton of friends and does a lot of activities. You're kicking life's ass, girlfriend or not.
Like everyone else said, this kind of stuff sneaks up on you, and makes zero sense. When you truly don't care, when you know that, yes or no, you still get to go back to an awesome life, then you start getting yes like crazy.
I don't think you are that afraid of dying alone - it just because you never had a relationship so far, the very concept of one seems alien. At least it does to me. Everyone is "supposed" to have their first experiences in their teens, so being 30+ and having none makes you feel really, really weird and "not normal". There is no magic trick to get over that feeling - but you seem to be on a good way with all the improvement and going out you've been doing.
I can't really give any good advice, since I am still in the same place - but I totally understand where you are coming from.
For clarification, I think you are concerned about the process of growing old alone which can be very difficult. However, it can be much worse, imo, if you "settle" and end up with the wrong person simply from dread of having no one.
I would suggest continuing to work on yourself with a goal of making yourself into the kind of man that a really great woman would want. Ask yourself what kind of woman you want and need--the one who would truly make you happy for the rest of your life. Then make yourself into the man she would want. When the time is right, I truly believe that she will appear. Keep your standards for yourself and your partner high and you won't regret it. BTDT.
IMO, true love and a really workable marriage come from two people who stand side by side, facing life's challenges together and looking outward in the same direction with the same goals and desires. True love is NOT two people gazing into each others eyes and ignoring everything else. Although having experienced the "thunderbolt" myself (remember Michael Corleone when he first laid eyes on the Italian girl who became his first wife?), I know this is a powerful thing that never comes to most people. However, if it happens to you, remember that it's just the beginning of your journey and not an end in itself. Good luck.
I agree with the sentiment here. Being nervous and upset is not a good thing when you're trying to date. It's like romance kryptonite. Sucks right? But I found that working on my self confidence and realizing I was my own worst critic really helped. I began to be successful and enjoy dating when I came to the realization that I was a pretty good dude and my entire self-worth didn't ride on every attempt to ask someone out or first date.
@Kyougu, I think you might want to make a bit of a plan, break this down in to smaller goals, messaging a certain number of people, asking people out, etc.
I haven't checked into the Internet Dating thread in D&D for a long time, but if you are not participating in there, you should. It's worked for lots of people,myself included.
Another thing that helps with this is Chatting online or via messages prior to the initial meeting (for online dating sites). I feel like the initial meeting has already happen if we can just chat a bit and i dont feel nervous talking online initially because somewhere in my head im convinced that its not really a woman at the other end of that connection...its just my computer.
1) Do you work, and what do you do for work?
2) When you hang out with all these people, are you just sitting there, or do you actually engage them consistently, or do you wait to be spoken to?
It sounds like you have almost no self confidence
You can get a a lot of confidence from your workplace, working with other people, being effective at your work, etc
And I know what it's like to hang out with "friends" but just kind of sit there in the corner and not contribute much... work on making yourself the life of the party, put the spotlight on yourself, etc... if you can do that successfully, then you have the tools you need to hold a womans interest for more than 3 minutes.
These are two areas of your life where you can sharpen your interpersonal skills without the emotional risk of randomly starting to date
You're 31. You carry with you much baggage. Not only must you work on yourself, but you must work to overcome the stigma of guys who are 30 who have never been on a date. It is possible. You will not be the first or the last.
It's just moving from having friends to having romantic relationships that where I find myself at a complete block.
So, if you have an easy time getting to know someone, ask them to keep doing things. Movies, dinners, events.
Girls are people, like you and me. So if you can make friends, use that method for dates. I think your biggest hangup might be worrying about saying the wrong thing, or, losing the friend because you're not compatible romantically. That's only the problem if you make it the problem.
1. You aren't asking girls out early enough. A girl assumes you just want to be friends, if you've already met several times without taking the initiative to ask her out. Thus, get off your butt and ask her out, the very first day you meet her. Barring that, ask her out the second time you meet her.
2. You aren't flirting. The difference between chatting with friends and flirting is personal space. Break it. Talk closely, softly, conspiringly even. Touch her arm, hold her hand, put your arm around her waist. If she likes you, she'll let all this happen, and flirt right back.
This is just pick up artist bullshit, hopefully meant sarcastically.
This .. really depends on the girl. Personally I would be so turned off by this - I have a space bubble. The space bubble goes away as I get to know people. I would never let a person I just met touch me or talk too closely to my face.
Island Name: Felinefine
Especially not the "put your arm around her waist" part. I have had an acquaintance whom I'm pretty sure wasn't even trying to hit on me (had a girlfriend and knew about my boyfriend) touch me in a similar way and I was noooot comfortable with that! That is something you do with someone you are already dating. It is not something you do to someone you have yet to clearly express interest in.
I completely agree. You need to get to know somebody first before you start invading their space. If you did this to me, all you'd get is uncomfortable squirming and flinching. And I would do everything in my power to avoid you for the rest of your life, even if I had found you attractive before.
With me you'd be done and I would not call you again, or answer yours.
Like, I'm pretty sure 2 is the difference between chatting with friends and becoming part of someone's cautionary tale.
That all said, dating is not at all required to live a good and happy life. Sex is rad and all, but it really isn't essential to living an amazing life. While there is obviously a limit to it, there's also nothing wrong with getting some basic platonic contact from consenting friends and family. Obviously don't get weird about it, but there's a lot of comfort to be found in getting a bear hug. Even handshakes, high-fives, and fist bumps, can do amazing things to your ambient mood.