The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Becoming a single mom...afraid of loneliness
GodsChild2013
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Iam currently pregnant and will soon be asingle mom by choice which I am not happy about. I left my first ex-bf/fiancé of 2-3 years after a long period of lies, cheating,belittlement and physical and mental abuse. It was not always this way between us. It actually started at the beginning of this year. He is now far away in another city. I cut him completely off due to threats on my life and my unborn child’s life but on and off during my pregnancy he would pop back up and try to convince me to stay with him. The last convowe had erupted horribly and ended in me being called awhore/ ***** amongst other words, even though he was my first boyfriend. I come from a family where single-parenthood is not the norm but my family are extremely supportive despite the views on single mothers I’ve heard them express before (not positive). I have my education, currently working in the corporate world and soon after the baby is here will work on a career in the armed forces. The only problem is, I don’t want to be alone… Ive heard stories of children growing up without a mom or sometimes a dad and the child being scarred for life by this type of environment and eventually becoming resentful or dating the wrong type of person and becoming a single parent themselves. Iam expecting a little girl and I want her to have a father inher life. Will my ex step up to be a better father once the child is here (btw he does not know the gender yet because I have blocked anyway of communication with him)? Do single moms ever find love and marriage? Does it take years upon years for a single mom to get married? These are my worries. Idid not want to bring alittle girl in this world in this type of environment at all… PLEASE HELP. I need advice, Im surrounded by married women who has never been in my situation who offers advice…that I cant use.
mod edit: Moved to H/A
mod edit: Moved to H/A
ElJeffe on
0
Posts
No. If he abuses you, he will abuse your child. Keep him out of you and your child's life.
It really doesn't sound like it, and risking your child's and your own well-being on a hope (that seems unsupported by historical evidence) is probably unwise.
Yes, absolutely. It's impossible to estimate when this can happen, but it does. You can't rush it, if you want someone who's right for you, but you have no reason to despair.
It completely depends. You can take matters into your own hands via actively searching/networking/dating, but that doesn't mean rushing it. Stick to your principles and don't accept anything short of your happiness.
I'm sorry I can't offer more input, but I'm pretty confident in what little I've said. Best of luck to you, and don't worry. You've got an exciting transition ahead of you--and plenty of opportunity to live your life just as fully as before.
This is behavior that requires real counseling and dedication, over years, to change.
Being a single mother is not the difficulty it once was re: dating. You absolutely don't have to worry about it keeping you alone. But you also have to be comfortable with yourself and your situation before you attach to someone. Otherwise your relationship senses will be all out of whack.
Edit: something to keep in mind: we tend to pattern our new relationships after our old ones. We feel like that's the type of relationship we deserve. Nip that idea in the bud.
--LeVar Burton
As for the father, avoid him at all costs. One of my friends that I mentioned above had a father who, while not physically abusive, was close and my friend (and his younger brother) were terrified of him. However, they were forced to go with him every other weekend due to court orders until they were 14.
Don't be afraid of letting it take time, either. There's no stigma these days of being a single mom. Let me tell you something, the only way your child will end up in a bad place if you try to raise the child as a single mom is if you isolate your daughter. She needs to grow up knowing you love her, that you can talk to her and play with her. That you're willing to teach her, discipline her, comfort her, and empathize with her. Children don't turn out bad because they have only one parent. They turn out bad when their parents ignore them and show no interest in them. As long as you make sure you are in your daughter's life, she'll be fine.
And if your own parents are supportive, that's a solid foundation you can rely on. The important thing right now is to not despair. You have people in your life who love you, and that will help your child so much right now and in the future.
Also, second on cutting contact with the ex, especially if he's being abusive and stalking you.
This is absolutely the case. Remember that for young children, however things are around them, that's what normal means to them.
Our son did ask about his biological father this year and when it happened we were honest with him and answered any questions he had as we had vowed that when the time came that he was old enough to ask we would give him the answers he was looking for.
So in answer to your question, yes, you can and will find someone when you feel the time is right. Just make sure that it's the person that is right for you and your child but don't feel like you need to do this on your own. It sounds like your family is being supportive (awesome) and you have an education and plans for your family's future (kudos to that!) and I hope it goes well for you. And don't feel like just because your child doesn't have a father figure initially for whatever period of time that it will scar them. As many have already attested to, growing up in a single parent home can be just as normal and loving as a two-parent one. And I would strongly recommend looking into the links provided earlier as well as I'm sure they will be have some very useful information. Good luck and I think I speak for most if not all here when I say congrats on your child and good on you for leaving a bad situation. It takes a strong person to do that sort of thing and take this responsibility on and don't let anyone make you think otherwise.
My mom was a single mother, and I always saw it as perfectly normal. She worked two jobs to pay for our house, and as a result I was often by myself after school, had to learn to buy groceries, do my share of house cleaning, cook for myself early on etc, so I suppose my life was a bit different from other kids, but I never realized this or paid it any attention. All in all I had a happy childhood.
With your family and career you will not be alone. And the right person for you will come along at the right time.
But, you are in a complicated situation. So you need to make a plan. Work out the things you need and a way to get them. After you have that squared away, then worry about a relationship. If you do things in the wrong order you will just make everything harder for yourself.
Get your home sorted. (This job will spawn others.)
Bills paid. (This job will spawn others)
Have the kid. Yes, include it on the plan. You don't want to schedule any major events that conflict with it. (Sorry, I need to cancel that delivery. I'm in delivery myself. The sofa will have to wait.)
Work out how you are going to pay for the time off you have afterwards. Most likely you will want to work more beforehand, doing overtime, second job, etc. This is why you plan ahead.
Are you going to be better off staying at home or working and doing daycare? Don't just look at finances. Time at work will drain you, so you don't spend just 8-9 hours away from the kid. You come home knackered, get 4 hours at the most and then you are both asleep. Rinse and repeat. Weekends are for errands you can't do during the week because you are at work. Effective Time Management is required.
Include disaster insurance. That could be a large stockpile of food, savings of a few hundred to a few thousand, or a network of people who are willing to help you out. Because you will miss something off the plan, and something bad will happen at some point.
If you can get it together to sort out all this, then you won't have a problem. Because I have seen guys who go for the disorganised single mothers. They are not the people you want in your life. If you can survive independently then you get to set the relationship bar a lot higher, and will hopefully avoid repeating past mistakes.
Rather than "Will I be alone?" It should be "How do I find someone worth keeping?" And the answer to that question has nothing to do with being a single parent.
Nusquam Findi Factionis
My Digital Pin Lanyard
Based on your choice of name for the forum, I'm going to assume you're religious. I'm also going to assume Christian because that's what my experience is, but you can probably apply this to whatever religion you are.
I'd really recommend trying to find a large church in your area. Despite what you might expect, many of them can be very welcoming to single parents. Being part of a church will provide you with solutions to both your fears. First, you'll have the opportunity to spend time with others in your situation so you won't have to be lonely. Secondly, as your child grows up there will almost certainly be positive male role models present in the church.
Even if you're an Atheist, there may be a Unitarian Universalist church in the area that can provide you similar benefits without requiring any actual beliefs.
Child of a single parent home here. Dad was kept out of my life due to emotion/physical abuse, alcoholism. Out of the two options, growing up without him was undoubtedly the better deal. I won't say that it didn't suck, though. Other kids don't get it, and it does affect how you see and get through the world. Everyone gets dealt shit cards, though, and you just learn to make the best of it.
Also, kids don't need a father to have a strong male influence in their life. Friends' dads, teachers, grandfathers, uncles, cousins, mentors.
I'm not going to lie and say it's not good for children to have two good parents. The more good loving people in their life, the better. Unfortunately, that's not always possible for children to have both parents be good loving people, and I very strongly believe it's better for a child to have a single good parent than having both parents, with one being a bad parent. There is nothing more inherently wrong with a child raised by a single parent than one raised by both parents, than one raised by two men / two women, than one raised by their grandparents, than one adopted and raised by another couple. Having a traditional married mommy and daddy is so far down the list of what's important to a child it is virtually irrelevant.
Even if you are a good parent, you won't be as good a parent if you're having to deal with the other (bad) parent's bullshit. Abuse, cheating, drugs / alcoholism wear down good people and, not necessarily turn them into bad people, but keep them from being as good as they could or should be. At no point does a bad / abusive parent make a child better. When kids end up 'better off' in that situation, it's 'in spite of', not 'because of' the bad parent. It may seem small, but it's a very important distinction.
A child does not 'need' anything more than good people in their lives that love and care about them, and will do everything in their power to protect them and respect the other people that are important to that child.
Now, onto the next point. You don't want to be alone. Nobody wants to be alone. But it's not something you can or should force. There are a lot of good people out there, and there are a lot of bad people out there who will simply prey on the desire not to be alone. I know it's not the same thing, but understand that once you have your child, you won't be alone again. You will have your child, you will have your family, and you will have your friends.
You will eventually meet someone, usually it's something that happens in the place you least expect it or when you stop looking. Focus on your little girl right now - getting as financially secure as possible, making sure she has proper care arrangements, protecting her legally from your ex, and getting your own head on right. You're going through a lot and probably need to talk to someone - maybe a support group of single mothers, maybe a therapist, maybe just sit with your friends and have someone who will listen and let you unload for a while.
As for the questions about 'does it take years for a single mom to get married'...the answer is sometimes? Sometimes you meet the right person right away, sometimes you never do. Some guys don't want anything to do with a single mom, some guys don't care either way, some guys - sometimes with kids of their own, sometimes not - want to meet a single mom. Like anything, it depends.
Just...keep your chin up, focus on the birth / your little girl and your own life, and eventually everything else will come together. Maybe it won't be at all what you expect today, but that's how life goes.
Seconded, until you talk to a lawyer and get sole custody made official, he still technically has rights to see the kid.
Those are all questions you should figure out the answer to and do so with a lawyer. It sounds to me as if he A) knows you're pregnant and when you're due and
Assuming you were threatened over the phone, if you're in a state that allows one-party phone recordings (where only one person needs to know the call is being recorded), you should look into getting a device to help you record phone conversations between you and he. If you're in a two-party state, you'd have to tell him you're recording (so it's less likely he'll say something that would hurt his case in court). If he's in another state, it is almost always two-party (as it reverts to the stricter law which requires both parties to know there is a recording happening).
Basically, if you have no proof of abuse or threat and he asserts his rights as the father of the child, it's highly unlikely you'll get sole custody.