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Did I screw this up by not making a big move on her? Or are things going well? So confused
Thebobster_10
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Wanna hear a story that is driving me nuts? Its long, and thanks SOO MUCH in advance for those who read a comment.
Ok so me and this girl have been talking about two months and have kept things pretty casual. But I don't know what she thinks of me. We are both 22 and met in one of our college classes.
After a few casual lunches, and some pretty good conversation.
Last week we went to a basketball game (my Dad gave me tix) and had a really awesome and fun time. But we never really made plans for after the game, and she kind of surprised me with wha she had in mind. She kind of was insistent about going home that night because her parents were worried/never been to a pro sports game. She also thought that I was going to pick her up the next morning. (Her parents live about 45 minutes away from my parents, I went to my house after) I was put in a tough situation, mostly ethical. During an intermission they made a PSA about taking the metro train, she started looking up the schedules, and I just put my foot down and said 'really, don't go home by yourself, its really cold, and the trains get less frequent on weekday nights' I'll take you. because we had a few beers at the game, I was perfectly fine, we even ate afterwards, but she even said it herself she was 'a little drunk', and said she wanted to go home. But I went the extra mile for her to drive her home so she didn't take the metro train home by herself, and picked her back up in the morning to take her back to school (we live at our college, about an hour and a half away). I know I didn't have to do this, but I couldn't let her get on the metro alone at midnight, Atlanta can be very dangerous at night (where the game was, go Hawks), I care about her. And I couldn't really ditch her either in the morning. See the dilemma?
(If that was confusing, it is confusing, we both are from the Atlanta metro area and go to the same college, where we both live, about 1.5 hours away. Our parents both live about 30 minutes from the stadium in almost opposite directions, hence her idea to take the train home alone.)
It was ALOT of driving, mostly unexpected. But she seemed kinda not very thankful for it, almost as if she expected it. But that could of just been me kinda of mad that I got the short end of the stick. We both had a lot of fun. I tried to slowly get my physical, we would grab hands when they scored and high-fived and cheers-ed a lot. But she never 'one-upped' me so to speak. Meaning like if I put my hand on her waist to lead her through a door, she didn't let herself stay attached. So I was kind of at square one the entire time, but the true job was to enjoy the game and we did. Twice dropping her off (house and school) I kind of was thinking we were going to kiss (even just a peck for the ride?!?) in the car but both times she just got out after saying bye and she had a lot of fun. When I dropped her off at her apartment, she gave me $10. I was honestly a little offended, but she gave it in good nature. Kind of like a little oblivious kid paying for something with like a nickel.
We see each other in class the next day after we came back, and everything is fine. Both of us were really tired and kind of out of stuff to say after spending most of the past day and a half together lol. But I was kinda upset about the whole thing, and wasn't even sure if that was the right mindset to be in. but my best friend told me to cool off and give it a little bit, see what she does. Telling me stupid (her behavior at times that night) doesn't mean evil or bitchy, just stupid.
She 'accidentally' called me last Saturday. Called me, while I was at the gym (didn't answer) at like 3pm immediately texted me 'Sorry! Might have pocket dialed you haha' And I thought hmmm "pocket dial?" who honestly does that anymore when your iPhone 5 is locked up nice and tight lol. And texted her back and asked her to dinner on Monday, she said yes. Well later last night we ate dinner together. I kept it pretty casual, cheap (but delicious) mexican place for a drink and a bite. We had a good conversation, I made her laugh a lot and she said she actually had a really good time. It was a Monday evening, and just generally tired, so I don't think she expected much but I made her laugh and have fun. Still nothing physical though. Also we split the bill, the waitress asked, and I looked at her and she said split it. I offered her to buy her drink, but she said it was ok don't worry about it. I had paid for stuff before, so it really was only fair.
I still haven't really got green lighted for anything yet. Like we really don't touch each other much at all, I at least try to. I try looking for signals, but I don't know. This is probably too slow as far as dating goes, but isn't this a two way street? She has been making time to see me, but at the same time I can make a case that she just went to the game for the tickets (they were free for me), and see just sees me as her friend. I feel like this is my fault, I'm really confused. People go so fast with each other nowadays I'm totally lost.
How do I go about this? Please help, the more I spend with her the more I like her....
Ok so me and this girl have been talking about two months and have kept things pretty casual. But I don't know what she thinks of me. We are both 22 and met in one of our college classes.
After a few casual lunches, and some pretty good conversation.
Last week we went to a basketball game (my Dad gave me tix) and had a really awesome and fun time. But we never really made plans for after the game, and she kind of surprised me with wha she had in mind. She kind of was insistent about going home that night because her parents were worried/never been to a pro sports game. She also thought that I was going to pick her up the next morning. (Her parents live about 45 minutes away from my parents, I went to my house after) I was put in a tough situation, mostly ethical. During an intermission they made a PSA about taking the metro train, she started looking up the schedules, and I just put my foot down and said 'really, don't go home by yourself, its really cold, and the trains get less frequent on weekday nights' I'll take you. because we had a few beers at the game, I was perfectly fine, we even ate afterwards, but she even said it herself she was 'a little drunk', and said she wanted to go home. But I went the extra mile for her to drive her home so she didn't take the metro train home by herself, and picked her back up in the morning to take her back to school (we live at our college, about an hour and a half away). I know I didn't have to do this, but I couldn't let her get on the metro alone at midnight, Atlanta can be very dangerous at night (where the game was, go Hawks), I care about her. And I couldn't really ditch her either in the morning. See the dilemma?
(If that was confusing, it is confusing, we both are from the Atlanta metro area and go to the same college, where we both live, about 1.5 hours away. Our parents both live about 30 minutes from the stadium in almost opposite directions, hence her idea to take the train home alone.)
It was ALOT of driving, mostly unexpected. But she seemed kinda not very thankful for it, almost as if she expected it. But that could of just been me kinda of mad that I got the short end of the stick. We both had a lot of fun. I tried to slowly get my physical, we would grab hands when they scored and high-fived and cheers-ed a lot. But she never 'one-upped' me so to speak. Meaning like if I put my hand on her waist to lead her through a door, she didn't let herself stay attached. So I was kind of at square one the entire time, but the true job was to enjoy the game and we did. Twice dropping her off (house and school) I kind of was thinking we were going to kiss (even just a peck for the ride?!?) in the car but both times she just got out after saying bye and she had a lot of fun. When I dropped her off at her apartment, she gave me $10. I was honestly a little offended, but she gave it in good nature. Kind of like a little oblivious kid paying for something with like a nickel.
We see each other in class the next day after we came back, and everything is fine. Both of us were really tired and kind of out of stuff to say after spending most of the past day and a half together lol. But I was kinda upset about the whole thing, and wasn't even sure if that was the right mindset to be in. but my best friend told me to cool off and give it a little bit, see what she does. Telling me stupid (her behavior at times that night) doesn't mean evil or bitchy, just stupid.
She 'accidentally' called me last Saturday. Called me, while I was at the gym (didn't answer) at like 3pm immediately texted me 'Sorry! Might have pocket dialed you haha' And I thought hmmm "pocket dial?" who honestly does that anymore when your iPhone 5 is locked up nice and tight lol. And texted her back and asked her to dinner on Monday, she said yes. Well later last night we ate dinner together. I kept it pretty casual, cheap (but delicious) mexican place for a drink and a bite. We had a good conversation, I made her laugh a lot and she said she actually had a really good time. It was a Monday evening, and just generally tired, so I don't think she expected much but I made her laugh and have fun. Still nothing physical though. Also we split the bill, the waitress asked, and I looked at her and she said split it. I offered her to buy her drink, but she said it was ok don't worry about it. I had paid for stuff before, so it really was only fair.
I still haven't really got green lighted for anything yet. Like we really don't touch each other much at all, I at least try to. I try looking for signals, but I don't know. This is probably too slow as far as dating goes, but isn't this a two way street? She has been making time to see me, but at the same time I can make a case that she just went to the game for the tickets (they were free for me), and see just sees me as her friend. I feel like this is my fault, I'm really confused. People go so fast with each other nowadays I'm totally lost.
How do I go about this? Please help, the more I spend with her the more I like her....
Thebobster_10 on
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This is not something to be angry or upset over, it is a good thing, now you have a cool new friend to hang out with.
if you really feel like you might be on different pages, it doesn't hurt to ask. you put it best yourself: "the more time i spend with you, the more i like you - you'd let me know if this wan't going to pan out, right?" something like that. i don't think it's necessary, but maybe it beats looking for cues if you're getting unsure about it all. it also prevents your heart getting broke if she shows up with one of the atlanta hawks hangin' off her arm.
Also, giving a friend a lift home at night when they've had some drinks and are going to be taking sketchy transit home... Doesn't sound like a dilemma? That just sounds like being a half-decent person, unless I misunderstood the situation.
I would try more casual meet ups rather than formal dates, just a quiet corner in a pub, walk in a park, talk it up, get to know each other more, see if you can get a read on what she is thinking. Focus on getting to know the person rather than dating body language guesswork. Might want to get introduced to her friends, get in their good books, introduce her to your friends, etc. Whether it goes somewhere or not, you get a social win.
For the rest, just ask her what she thinks.
I mean I'm not "bitter" about it. I just felt kind of under appreciated. She wanted the ride 100%, she accepted my offer in a heartbeat. But she kinda blindsided me with wanting to stay the night at her parents house. So she offered to find her own way home. Like "Oh, I'm staying by myself at my parents house, I'm taking the train after the game alone, I'd feel bad if you took me home AND back in the morning" It was either let her find her way home or me take her. Again cold night, midnight, downtown Atlanta, uhh really? Like not that I'm too hurt about it, it was expensive, a lot of my friends were shocked I did this for her for various reasons. So it left me second guessing what really happened. I know honestly 100% she didn't "owe" me anything. But how many times do you do this for a girl you like and get exactly nothing? That's kind of where some of my friends I told this about started saying I was used/I'm a chump for giving in. But what's done is done I, never made anything of it to her - doing that would have been totally unnecessary, and we've been out since.
But since we did go out again, I'm even more confused. She's more social than I am, which breeds some insecurity I try to keep at bay at all times. From Monday the 4th to Monday the 11th, we spent at least a little bit of time with at each other 5 out of 8 days. Feels like I'm running out of time to figure this out. I'm seeing her in class today. I was thinking of cooking up a line somewhere along the lines of 'hey, I guess I can be kind of awkward but we've been spending a lot of time together. I wouldn't just take anyone to a game with me, and then invite them out a few days later. Let's go on a real date-date this weekend" or i dont know. Its really bothering me since these kind of things (at least for me) have sudden expiration dates on them.
We have class from 2-3, should I do this?
Okay, even if she jumped on the offer, these are contradictory statements. You either expected something in return, or you didn't. If you did, that's not great, and you offered a kindness with hidden strings attached. What's more, the kindness was something you felt would take her out of a potentially dangerous situation, and being willing to do so but only in return for affection is REALLY not great. If you don't actually feel owed, you should drop it and never bring it up again. Being nice doesn't make you a chump, and that is a very asshole way to look at it. Your friends are not correct. In the future, if you want to offer to take her out of the situation but really don't want to go that far out of your way, it's okay to say "I really want you to be safe but I can't drive that far tonight, so let me take you back to your [local housing] and then if you want to you can see your parents in the morning." If she won't take you up on that then you can let her go - you've still offered the help, but it's better to offer a compromise than go so far out of your way only to be so unhappy about it.
Yes, you should ask her out on a date if you want a date. That is the best, fastest way to know if she wants to date you. I mean, I wouldn't start with that "I wouldn't do X for just anyone" stuff, because that's awkward and to me comes off a little skeezy. Just cut that part out and say "Hey, we've been spending a lot of time together and I've enjoyed it. Let's go on a real date-date this weekend."
Don't self deprecate. It's unattractive 100% of the time. Tell her you've been having a lot of fun with her, and ask her if she feels that things are going somewhere between you two. Keep it simple, and don't hedge around the issue.
I completely agree with you. Please don't think I'm some stewing piece over it because I didn't get kissed. I was just frustrated, hindsight is 20/20. It was like a red wire/blue wire decision in real time (not really that dramatic, but didn't really have the time to think about it). And just went with taking her home. The feedback my friends gave me kind of didn't help. But I dropped it completely. That's why we grabbed a quick bite and a drink last night lol.
But is saying I like her/let's go out on a "fancy" date-date her wrong in this situation? On one hand she actually makes time to do stuff with me, on the other hand she has a lot of friends, hasn't been too physical, and might of just been excited about the hockey game and not for me
The advice is not different. As my grandmother used to say, shit or get off the pot. It is still not wrong to ask her out on a date, and she has no way of knowing what you want otherwise. We don't know what she wants either. Just go ask her out. And if you make one more alt for this same question I will ban all of them.
If she hasn't made her interests clear in two months and she's still hanging out with you, it's because she doesn't have any interest you. Go find a girl and ask her out on a real date and find someone who lives closer to you.
Anyway, you seem to be trying to read minds and failing. You are probably not Professor X. She gave you $10 for the gas, silly. She sounds like a perfectly normal girl and your friends are assholes for saying she owes you sex.
Ask her out on a romantic date. Remember, she does not owe you sex after this, even if you spend a lot. So don't spend more than you can afford. Make it clear that you would like to go out with her. After that you should get a pretty clear answer and won't have to spend any more time developing your psychic powers. You are quite likely to get the "I like you as a friend" speech, so don't get too intense about this.
This is not meant as an insult, but everything about your posts in this and your other threads -- from the overthinking to the slight-but-growing obsessiveness to the insidious objectification of the girl in question and women in general -- very clearly indicates that some perspective is needed before you are going to be emotionally/philosophically prepared to date.
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"hey, I guess I can be kind of awkward but we've been spending a lot of time together. I wouldn't just take anyone to a game with me, and then invite them out a few days later. Let's go on a real date-date this weekend"
Friendships and romantic relationships are not based on quid pro quo transactions. If you have intentions, state them and preferably when there are not pent up expectations. You cannot undo your expectations, so might as well find out if it's going to go the way you want.
None of this "did I screw it up?", "but she did this thing or acted this way", "my friends say this", "what if I do/do not do this?", "what if I say this?", "do you think she thinks this?" stuff. You cannot analyze your way into a relationship. Step 1: Ask her out on a date.
You can give us details for days and we'll have no clue if she'll say yes, no, or not right now. If you want an answer you need to talk to the only person who can give you one.
I'd agree with naporeon that your outlook on relationships with women is at best immature, but if you wait til you're "ready" to date you may never get to.
There should be a script that automatically posts this as the first response to any thread in which a person wonders whether someone likes them romantically, or "just as a friend".
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The script can be simplified a lot by having it post "Just ask her."
Despite what the internet and dating books have told you, people everywhere are different, and have different ways of showing what they feel.
As said by others, ask her directly if she's interested in dating you, or ask straight up "Let's go on a date."
But fuck you — no, fuck y'all, that's as blunt as it gets"
- Kendrick Lamar, "The Blacker the Berry"
Ninety percent of relationship questions can be answered with "communicate."
Almost the same as the proportion of problems where that is the solution.
You'd miss out on the very important point violated often in nerdier communities, which is the "relationships are not based on quid pro quo transactions." Expectations regarding romance after "investing" in a date are possibly more dangerous than miscommunication regarding romantic intent.
Idk, ironically enough, this is actually groundhog day of a very similar situation where I never 'made a move' on a girl and she ditched me pretty painfully. Not saying she is going to do that, entirely different person and specific circumstances, but the major points are all the same. All in all should probably just chalk this up as a learning experience for someone else, and try not to wait too long before I miss the boat.
Stop whining about it, stop making up excuses, stop being wishy washy.
Just pick up your damn cellphone and ask her out.
That said, here's my read of the situation at hand - she probably does see you as a friend. That's not a bad thing. I can't speak for her, but this: seems like friend behaviour to me and trying to be polite. I've had friends in the past who wanted to be more when I didn't who tried some of the same things and I reacted in pretty much the same way - redirect hands, keep things in a strictly platonic place. Before long, one of us would draw attention to the situation, I'd clarify that I wasn't interested, and in every case the friendship was easily salvaged because they were respectful and I hadn't felt forced into anything. With that in mind, ask yourself this - if she did kiss you out of some weird feeling of obligation because you drove her home even though she didn't want to, how would that make you feel? Like you'd gotten what you earned or extremely apologetic for making her feel like she owed you something she didn't want to give? If your answer is A, think long and hard because that's somewhat disturbing.
You have a phone. You have a chance to say it RIGHT NOW.
Stop making excuses.