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HELP LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP TROUBLE :( anyone help it would mean a lot

CARTER122RIGHTCARTER122RIGHT Registered User new member
Sooo, I'm in a long distance relationship I have been since July 30th and I've been dating him since October 30th so we've been dating for over a year. I'm in 10th grade in high school and he is in 9th in high school. I just moved at the end of July, were 17 hours away from each other. I'm having some trouble and really really need anybody's help it would mean a lot. Please don't tell me I'm to young to be in love or to young to be in this long distance relationship or it won't work, please give me advice on how to fix things and make it work. Anyways my boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot recently and his parents had made some rules where he could only talk to me once a day and he was sneaking the phone and stuff at times when he wasn't suppose to be talking to me (I'm not sure why his parents even made this rule) they're pretty strict. And so we were doing perfectly fine in our relationship until his parents decided to call mine and tell them they were encouraging him to break up with me because he has been sneaking around and lying about talking to me and that we are in a "unhealthy" relationship because we were fighting for maybe a month, my parents didn't really want to be rude so they kind of agreed and said they think we should break up to, so my boyfriend called and broke up with me because his parents pretty much made him, but then he talked to them and told them how were going to stop fighting and he will stop lying and they supposably let him keep dating me but his mom told my mom if he keeps going down the path he's going they will force him to break up with me. My parents also said he could come down here for a week over Christmas break so we could see each other and of course his parents don't know if their going to let him because they don't really like us dating still I don't think. I am honestly so scared and sick of his parents their reuining us :( it's been over a few weeks since this happened and we've been doing good but his parents are so strict and it seems like their trying to protect him but they don't understand the fact that relationships go through problems I mean we can't just not fight at all that would be unhealthy and we are in a long distance relationship we need to talk more then once a day you know? They also think it's stupid how were in love. :/ My question is how can I fix this with his parents I'm not going to lose him or not have him come down here over his rude parents and because we made a little mistake. Please help, and also any suggestions on how we can make this last for the next 2 and a half years until I move back down there when I graduate and see him again. I love him more then anything in this world I would do anything for him and I'm never giving up on him it may seem crazy but he is my true love I'm so sure of it, and I want to be with him forever. Please help, how can I fix things with his parents and have them actually want us to be together and let him see me? And what are some tips on how we can make this work for the next 2 and a half years?

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  • TychoCelchuuuTychoCelchuuu PIGEON Registered User regular
    I don't think you're going to have any more luck convincing his parents that your relationship is the real deal than they're going to have convincing you that it isn't, but if you want to convince someone of something the first step is usually talking to them, so, talk to his parents?

    EsseeEncCambiataShadowfireZilla360
  • ToxTox I kill threads he/himRegistered User regular
    Many relationships, probably most, face big problems, functionally similar to what you're facing. The best answer is always the same.

    Weather the storm.

    His parents only want you guys talking once a day? You need to respect that. They're the parents and they get to set the rules for how and which privileges get used in their house. You don't have to agree or like it, but you need to obey it. Obeying a rule you disagree with is a sign of maturity, and the first step to getting the rule changed.

    So you need to figure out how to deal with it. Write each other. Of course you'll talk more often than writing will really help, but do it anyway. You can kind of keep journal style notes (instead of "dear diary" make it "dear boyfriend"). Send a letter once or twice a week, so you guys have tangible things to interact with when you're not talking. Hopefully his parents and yours will be okay with that. If they have a problem with the letter writing, obey that rule too.

    Honestly TychoCelchuuu said it best. If you and his parents fundamentally disagree, neither of you is likely to to win the argument, and they get to set the rules, so they win by default.

    Have faith and persevere, and if it's meant to work out, it will.

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  • wiltingwilting Registered User regular
    edited November 2013
    I'm in 10th grade in high school and he is in 9th in high school.

    Please don't tell me I'm to young to be in love or to young to be in this long distance relationship or it won't work, please give me advice on how to fix things and make it work.

    I'm going to give you some advice. A word of warning: a lot of the time advice tells you things you don't want to hear, but it is meant to help. Sometimes a person can feel advice is an attack on them, or makes unfair assumptions about them. The advice is meant to help based on the limited information that is known from an internet post. The important thing isn't responding to the advice given, it is figuring out for yourself what parts of the advice are relevant to your circumstances.

    Your youth is the primary factor in his parent's attitude towards the relationship and you need to recognize and come to terms with that.

    His parents are in a lifelong partnership/marriage and are raising one or more children together. This means two things.

    1) They know more about relationships than you do
    2) Although they want your boyfriend to be happy, they also want him to be successful in the long term at school etc. A large amount of contact between you and him is a distraction to his real life priorities from their perspective, especially if he is caught up in a 'fight' for a month.
    Please help, how can I fix things with his parents and have them actually want us to be together and let him see me?

    The best way to get on his parents good side is not to appear to be a distraction from his real life priorities, but to be a support for achieving them.

    Relationships aren't all about being head over heels inseparable from each other. They are mostly about hard work. Right now the most important thing in your boyfriend's life is school and working towards a good future.

    While I appreciate that you are dependent on communication because of the distance between you, you don't need to be in contact multiple times a day, or even every day. If you love him, you will give him the time/space for not only school, but hobbies/sports/friendships etc independent of you that a person needs to be well rounded. You will also not let month long 'fights' develop that cause major distraction/disruption to both your lives. This will not only be good for him, it would be good for you.

    Support him in school, encourage him in hobby/sport etc pursuits, and don't monopolize his time.

    His parents would be most impressed if you voluntarily reduced the communication between you to less than the restrictions they've set, to say 3 or 4 times a week.

    To sum up the advice:

    - If you love him, you need to give him time/space for school, hobbies, friends and family.
    - Communicate with him less often, support him with school etc. Quality over quantity!
    - Don't let 'fights' etc develop that are a distraction, and certainly won't impress his parents. Learn to avoid, walk away from, and compromise on disagreements.
    - His parents will over time become allies, not enemies.
    - This will ultimately create a stronger relationship with greater long term potential.


    wilting on
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  • CasualCasual Wiggle Wiggle Wiggle Flap Flap Flap Registered User regular
    Based on both my own experience and those of various others I've seen attempt it I have a handy catch all rule for long distance relationships.

    "Don't"

    There is an extremely specific set of circumstances in which long distance relationships can sometimes work out. But it contains such a vanishingly small number of people that it's not really worth considering. Basically if the "long distance phase" has a fixed endpoint, and that endpoint is no more than a year or so in the future, then maybe the pair of you can suffer it out for 12 months.

    I made the mistake of throwing away years of my late teens-early 20's on long distance relationships that went nowhere and did nothing because there was no real possibility of the "long distance phase" ending. It sucked. You end up in some pseudo relationship that has pretty much all of the cons and none of the pros. It was just a shackle that kept both of us from finding people we could have real relationships with.

    I'm aware that isn't what you want to hear, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to be unapologetic about that. The point of H/A is to give people the advice they need, not tell them what they want to hear and confirm whatever belief they came into the thread with. Threads where the OP comes in with a set list of "advice" they want to hear and reject everything else tend to go badly.

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  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    You are both incredibly young. Like really, incredibly young.

    First: You have to realize that you are talking to a bunch of late 20- and 30-somethings here, many of whom have been where you are with unfavorable results. You are unlikely to get a whole bunch of advice that is exactly what you want to hear.

    Second: 9th grade. 9th grade, man. He is in 9th grade. That means that he is in the 14-15-year-old range, and you are not much older. I'm not saying you are doomed to failure because of your ages, but there is literally nothing you can do about his parents except maybe talk to them and definitely work with the decisions they've made. If they really don't want him dating, there is not a lot he can do about it. There is no "he's coming over the holidays anyway." If they really don't want him to go, he's not going. They get to make those decisions as much for his protection as anything. Chances are good that the best thing he can do to fix this is to excel at school and everything he does and show them he's mature enough to handle the responsibility of a relationship like this... and whether you like it or not, while nothing is stopping him from waiting for you, in the mean time you are stuck with what they allow.

    If you two really believe in each other, you just have to wait it out. Whether or not you can handle that is between you two... and you're talking about waiting a very long time... a 9th of your life by the time you get to the point where you can move back.

    I will tell you that my first real long-distance relationship started when I was about 17. We were so incredibly in love. He lived in the UK. We determined that we would be living together within the year, and I made that happen. I was 18 and out, off to England. If circumstances had been different, who knows. Some people make it work. But we both had so much growing up to do, in the end even though we were convinced we were soul mates, it just wasn't enough.

    Here is some food for thought: He is stuck between a rock and a hard place here. If he talks to you less he makes you unhappy which probably makes him unhappy, but if he disobeys his parents he makes THEM unhappy and they are RIGHT THERE and he has to deal with them EVERY DAY. If you put a whole bunch of pressure on him to do this your way because you can't make it work, he may start to feel like he has to choose for his own sake, and because of his age he simply doesn't have the means financially to choose you.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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  • Donovan PuppyfuckerDonovan Puppyfucker A dagger in the dark is worth a thousand swords in the morningRegistered User regular
    My partner Amy and I started dating when we were 16. We're both now less than two months from 31.

    Would we have survived 3 years of long distance in the beginning? Definitely not. Would we survive 3 years apart now? I want to say yes.

    Honestly? I have strong doubts.

    BelruelZilla360
  • ThunderSaidThunderSaid Registered User regular
    wilting wrote: »
    If you love him, you will give him the time/space for not only school, but hobbies/sports/friendships etc independent of you that a person needs to be well rounded.

    I agree with everything Wilting said, but I want to add that this part really needs to apply to you, too. Nothing makes a relationship go sour quite like obsession, and it looks to me like you've got an unhealthy dose. I'd recommend rounding out your own life a little. Try to fill your time with some things that you're interested in. It doesn't really matter what they are, as long as they're interesting to you. I think distracting yourself from this problem might help you clear your head and drop out of the "panic mode" you seem to be in about this relationship. Also, if you're looking to keep up a long distance relationship, all you have is words. What are you planning to talk about? Some personal interests and activities will go a long way toward keeping those conversations enjoyable.

    Erios
  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    I think you are too much in the "Romeo and Juliet" phase of love. Everything seems big and overwhelming and you are experiencing powerful feelings you have never felt before. It feels like you are more in love than anyone has ever been before in the world. This is part of the wonder of being young, and it doesn't mean it is not real, but it doesn't allow you to have much perspective about whether the relationship is really right, or a good thing for the long term.

    Your parents want to make sure you pass your exams and don't get pregnant. This seems very petty in the face of what you are feeling, but ultimately it is the right choice. You have plenty more years for love, but big mistakes like dropping out or having a baby too young last the rest of your life.

    Just enjoy your life and your relationship, chill out, and don't worry if it is "forever." If you two calm down a bit you will probably find your parents calm down too, and you'll probably fight less as well. Enjoy the now. You have many years to worry about how "long-term" a relationship is.

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  • ArtereisArtereis Registered User regular
    edited November 2013
    Long distance relationships are hard enough when you're both working adults with full control over your travel plans and communication. The odds are not in your favor. Talk when allowed. Respect your parents' wishes and try to listen to their advice. Yours have raised a teenage daughter, and them a son, so both sets have experienced more than you can likely understand. There's a good chance they know what they're talking about. Show each other that you care and that you think about each other. Don't get jealous if he's out living his own life but do your best not to ditch a planned call.

    Artereis on
  • EncEnc A Fool with Compassion Pronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered User regular
    On the other side of things here, let's look for a few minutes about what would happen if you are successful. Lets say you manage to somehow reunite with your long distance boyfriend 2-3 years down the line, what then? Will both of you save important opportunities to meet other people that may be as or more comparable because of some long distance agreement which is mostly the same as having a pen pal? When you get old enough to truly explore being physical in your relationships, what then? Will you both simply wait and hope that you will have the opportunity somewhere down the line to grow in that aspect of yourselves and your relationship? What if, two years down the line, your interests are vastly different from the amount of time you grew while apart? Will you even be compatible at that point in time?

    Over the course of your high school career you will have skipped out on an important amount of relationship socialization required for growing to become a responsible and healthy partner. High School is a critical time, here you have the opportunities to make mistakes in social environments without lasting consequences for the rest of your life (well, moreso than most other times in your life). It's training wheels for being an adult, and it's important to understand that even as an adult you don't always (or often) get the happy ending you wanted. You will have heartbreaks, and grow stronger for them. You will have first dates, kisses, dances, and all the other firsts as you move forward and many of those experiences will be absolutely magical, and many more will be underwhelming or not at all what you expected. But if you haven't had any of those experiences until some deadline years down the line, will you be happy with yourself at that point? Will you have regrets about your early life?

    An important lesson that all of us who have lived and love try to convey is that there are far too many Mr. and Ms. Rights than you can ever pursue. You will encounter dozens of people over the course of your lifetime who will sync with you on many levels: people who you could potentially call soul mates or destined to be together. Sometimes you get lucky and both of you feel that way. Lots of times it doesn't quite line up. Even more, you will find that your Mr. Right came along at the wrong time for things to work out.

    And that's ok! Honestly, our mistakes and heartbreaks do more to build who were are than our puppy-dog romances and unconditional crushes. Right now, at the age you two are at, love is an energy source. It's wild lightning chaining across the sky with no real scope or limitations. But that doesn't work for long. Like lightning, young love is brilliant but short lived. It doesn't know what to do with itself and steers every which way in frustration and confusion until it just peters out. That's a good thing, because every time this happens you learn. You grow. And you figure out not only who you are but what you want.

    And, despite the fact you know (and feel like you deeply, truly know) what you want in life, you don't. You haven't lived enough yet. You are just starting out. Both of your parents have, and for better or worse. They know that love that lasts is more like a banked fire, not as spectacular to look out from the outside, but inside is a solid and brilliant heat that can last for years and years, insulated by the ashes of failures, successes, and other experiences that the couple had been through and overcame. What you want right now, at 16ish, isn't what you will want at 20 and I can guarantee you that once those two years have passed neither of you will be the same people you are now and neither of you will want the same things as you do at this moment.

    Now, maybe you both grow in such a way as what you want then is compatible! That would be excellent and I hope for you both that that is indeed the case. But you should find out if that happens by giving yourselves the time to live, love, and grow without binding your future selves to the decisions of today. If, when you both graduate and are on your own (hopefully going to college and being successful in the starting of your adult lives) you come across each other and find things are still working between you, you will both be better off than if you hadn't lived on your own during those years. Because then you will have experienced the ups and downs of relationships and will better know what you want in a partner. Then you will know if each other are the best things you truly need in a partner.

    But right now? You are young, and while it is never too young to know what love is, you are definitely too young to know what your future will be like. Most of us in our 20s, 30s, and 40s barely know whats down the line in two years. But those of us who have found a lasting relationship have done so by growing and understanding ourselves, and finding out what we truly need to make it through that time. That's what you should be focusing on right now, in your youth. Grow as a person, find what you are interested in. In life, in studies, in relationships.

    But don't tie an anchor to your 15 and 16 year old crush and try to force it to last forever. All you will do is drown both of you with regret.

    Or that's my perspective on the matter.

    Donovan PuppyfuckerZilla360CalicaEriosTaeko
  • flowerhoneyflowerhoney Registered User regular
    edited November 2013
    Hey I actually had a somewhat similar experience when I was about 17 - 20!
    Which is to say, I was in a long distance relationship with a guy who my parents thought I should just break up with, and they were not shy to let their opinions be known. It was really shitty and upsetting and I hated the fact that my parents were trying to control my relationship. It caused me a lot of grief but in the end we did break up even though I really loved him and we had pretty much no problems. Sometimes things just don't work out.
    Since then I've met someone else and I've never felt so happy! We've been together two years, one of which was long distance. I moved all the way to the UK just to be closer to him and its like a dream. Sometimes things do work out! But its all about timing. At that point in my life, things were too unstable and unpredictable to make the first LDR last. The second time around things were different, I was different, and the timing was right.
    Just some experience food for thought.

    A lot of really great advice has already been given here. His parents get to make the rules and if the rules are once a day then so be it. And honestly, you DON'T need to talk more than once a day. I know that sounds insane! But its true.
    Plus what does once a day even mean, like one phone call a day but no texting? One phone call a day plus texting? One phone call is plenty, ESPECIALLY if you can text.
    Plus there's lots of fun other ways to communicate! Emails, skype, facebook, even sending letters are would be pretty fun!

    I'm sure his parents are well aware of how many problems a relationship can have, and how much work they need. That probably isn't like, some mystical thing they never figured out lol. I'm sure they ARE trying to protect him, and I can understand why. My little sister is in the 9th grade too and I can barely handle her love life as the older sister! Yeah, its not very nice to say that its "stupid" that you guys love each other, but try to have some perspective.

    So to sum up, relax about his parents strict rules and try to work around them. If you can only make one phone call a day, try to communicate in other ways (but be careful not to overdo it, otherwise they'll find a new issue)
    Also yeah, its normal to fight with a partner occasionally, but you have to understand WHY. What is causing the two of you to fight. Once you figure it out, is it something that can be solved? This is key to any relationship but is especially critical for LDR.

    flowerhoney on
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  • KhavallKhavall British ColumbiaRegistered User regular
    I recently had a small bit of long-distance-ness in my current relationship. I was still working on ships, and my girlfriend was done with ships. I couldn't move yet because I was waiting for my Visa to kick in, and she couldn't commit to the length of contract required if she were to come with me. Now when you're working on ships, the internet is $40 for 460 minutes of really slow internet, and $10 for about an hour and a half of phone to US/Canada. Plus I was often in a different time zone by like a million hours.

    I did a 6-week contract and a month at home, a 5-week contract with 3 weeks at home, and then 9 weeks, but because of the route I was doing I was home for about 4-5 hours once a week on the last one. The other two there was nothing close to that.

    We maybe got to actually talk once a week on the phone, plus maybe emails every few days. We'd been together for about 2 years when this started(In fact, I flew out to New Zealand for the first contract about 3 days before our anniversary)

    "Needing" to talk more than once a day in a relationship is insane. If your relationship can't stand only being able to talk once a day then your relationship probably has problems, or is an obsession and not a relationship.

    Now, the only other thing I have to say here is what other people have said. His parents are fully matured adults who probably had relationships in high school, college, and beyond. Your parents are fully matured adults who probably had relationships in high school, college, and beyond. You're a... 15? 16? year old kid. I'm not saying they're right about everything, but they have a wealth of personal experience in the matter of love and romance. They probably had crushes and "serious relationships" when they were your age, and even if we assume that you've found the perfect relationship at your age and that you two belong together forever and we assume all parents aren't awful people then best case they feel exactly what you feel all the time for each other.

    They're also trying to make sure that their kids are getting the best life they can. Doing really poorly in high school can actually seriously negatively affect the rest of your life.


    And now the harsh part of this.
    (I'm not sure why his parents even made this rule) they're pretty strict
    sick of his parents their reuining us
    his rude parents

    These people gave life to the boy you're madly in love with who you would do anything for. They're doing what they think will give him the best life they can, as they have since his birth, which again, wouldn't have happened without them. One of their primary concerns in their life is his well-being, and he's sneaking around avoiding what they tell him to do because of you, and they think that the best thing for his life is to break up with you.

    Do you honestly think that with two people who you think of with such disdain, who you see as an obstacle, and who's rules you don't respect, that there will be some trick to get them to suddenly like you while you continue to do whatever you want?

    If you actually want this to work out in any way, immediately start following their rules until they're not making rules anymore for him. Start respecting them and realizing that they're looking out for their son. Ask your boyfriend how his school is going, and any other stuff that will help him later in life. Start caring about his future as anything beyond "together forever". If your relationship is meant to be, and it's strong enough to weather long distance for so long without seeing each other, and you'll do anything for him, then prove to his parents that you are a positive influence on his life. And be one.

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  • MagicToasterMagicToaster JapanRegistered User regular
    Me and my wife did the long distance relationship thing for a while. She moved first to be close to me, then we moved to her home country.

    Though we were both adults with jobs/careers and savings, both moves were made incredibly easy by the support of our parents. They let us crash with them for a couple of weeks while we set up our home. They loaned us cars while we got our own wheels and many other things.

    I suggest you not antagonise the parents, nothing good will come out of it.

    And seriously, if you live under their roof, you follow their rules.

  • LankyseanLankysean Registered User regular
    Long distance relationship survivor here. I'm not going to go on a long story about my relationship experience or anything because frankly I've told this story so many times before and I'm not in a mental state to open old wounds right now. tr:dl I was dating this girl for a year when she moved 4,000 miles away for graduate school... we did the long distance relationship thing and it SUCKED the entire time but we made it through 4 years of school and a year after she moved back we got married, granted we are much older than you.

    First things first. The vast majority of long distance relationships fail. When my girl went to school most of her classmates were in committed relationships, some were even married, and most of those relationships failed within the first 6 months. Some made it a year or two, but even a couple of the married people with children couldn't weather the shit storm of a long distance relationship. So... fair warning that long distance relationships SUCK.

    Next, you really need to respect both set of parents... I know you think they are "unfair" and that they "don't understand your love" but let me tell you a little something... they are married, they have kids and they know a lot more about love than you do. They only want what is best for you and your boyfriend and they don't want you guys to be depressed over a relationship that isn't healthy. Now here's the thing, if it wasn't for my girl's family I'm not sure we would have made it but because we were committed and knew that her schooling came before EVERYTHING else, even me, they supported us and it made the whole ordeal a little bit easier. I think if you can obey the parents rules and show them how mature you can be they will be more likely to help you guys out.

    Anyway, good luck.

  • ApogeeApogee Lancks In Every Game Ever Registered User regular
    I'm going to throw in my two cents here, since this is an issue close to the heart for me; I did LDR with my girlfriend for 3 years, plus a few years of off-and-on LDR (months at a time, not years).

    As far as I know, I am the only person among my friends to have done this and survived. Bear in mind this was in my university years; if I had tried this in high school, I'm not sure it would have worked out. As it is, it barely did (but we're still together). It's really, really hard and if you're in grade nine I have to say the odds are against you that this is 'the one'. If you're sure you want to try, it's going to take a lot of work and sacrifice (and I'm not kidding about the sacrifice part. Everything short of your firstborn).

    In my rare success, I think it had a lot to do with the fact that both of use are very introverted people, and so weren't unbearably upset about being apart. It sucked, but it was tolerable with enough distractions; I was a huge WoW nerd, and she was buried in science textbooks. If either of you are extroverts, it's going to be nigh impossible to live without that contact.

    Good luck, it's a hard slog no matter what choice you make.

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