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Girl cheats with me, stuck in relationship, how to get her?

gmaster213gmaster213 Registered User regular
Ok so my friend, let's call her "Tina" and her boyfriend "David" have been going out for almost a year and a half and them getting married has been openly discussed and the such. The problem they have is that David works in Michigan and Tina goes to college in Virginia, they are three years apart in age btw, and I go to college in Virginia as well but a different one and Tina and I just meet at our hometown in the middle during breaks and she discusses problems she's been having with him like he's dramatic, extremely worrisome, and jealous, the general long distance boyfriend thing. And she ended up cheating on him with me during one break, only to first base, but we never told anyone. Now recently it's happened again but we moved to third base and we admitted feelings for each other but she doesn't want to break up with David because it will hurt him and leave him alone and she's experienced that and doesn't want to put someone else through it. How do I, without being blunt and rude, convince her to break up so we can give things a shot? She's openly said if they weren't together we would be. And no, we weren't drinking during any of this.

Posts

  • CambiataCambiata Commander Shepard The likes of which even GAWD has never seenRegistered User regular
    Whatever excuses she gives for it, regardless of the 'what if' scenarios she's proposed, she's told you clearly that she won't break up with the other guy. There's no negotiation there. "I'd be with you, if only..." is the same thing as saying "I don't want to be with you." Cut off contact with her and heal up from the wounds, then look for romance elsewhere.

    While it doesn't seem that any rich were eaten. It definitely feels like a soup course with broth made from rich stock - bouillonaire if you will - was had.

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  • zepherinzepherin Registered User regular
    If you learn anything in your life learn this.

    If a boy/girl is willing to cheat on their significant other and then leave them to be with you.

    They will be willing to cheat on you and leave you for someone else.

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  • MetalbourneMetalbourne Inside a cluster b personalityRegistered User regular
    If you've told her that you want a chance and she' snot willing to break up, then you move on. Not moving on means getting stuck in relationship limbo until someone makes up their mind, and no matter how that turns out, you're going to be resentful for the time lost.

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  • minirhyderminirhyder BerlinRegistered User regular
    Yeah if you have to convince someone to break up with their current significant other to be with you, it's not going to be a healthy relationship.

    Walk away.

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  • RichardTauberRichardTauber Kvlt Registered User regular
    I had to wikipedia the baseball metaphors. Damn weird habit to describe sex like that.

    Walk away. There are better things you could be doing.

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  • naporeonnaporeon Registered User regular
    As @Cambiata said, no matter how it may feel in your heart, when she said "I can't leave him...", what she actually meant was "I am not interested in leaving him for you". This is just one more component in the time-honored tradition of letting potential romantic interests down easily. She may have been depressed about her relationship, lonely, horny, curious about you physically, or a combination of all those things, but what she is NOT is interested in pursuing anything serious with you. And she has verbalized that, so just suck it up and move on. Tough advice to take, but them's the shakes sometimes.

    Plus, as others have said, if she's willing to do that to him, she's willing to do that to you. And that's not even entering into what this whole situation says about you...

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  • MulletudeMulletude Registered User regular
    Stop trying to hook up with a girl who is already in a relationship.

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  • MaguanoMaguano Registered User regular
    and "david's" worrisomeness and jealousy of the whole-long distance things, are completely valid, it seems.
    you don't want to be the new David.

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  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    I don't necessarily agree with the notion that if she hooks up on him she'd hook up on you (or once a cheater always a cheater), but yeah, it seems David's concerns are valid in this case. Him being paranoid doesn't make her less a cheater, on him at least. And she's not going to leave him because she doesn't want to do that to someone? News flash: she already did it, she just doesn't want the confrontation. Think about this: She is not even interested enough in actually being with you on any serious level to weather the discomfort honesty would cause. That is so inconsiderate and so far missing the point of "not doing that to someone" that regardless of how she turns out when she grows up, at this point in her life she's really not worth it.

    Anyway, chances are you aren't going to convince her of anything, and you should REALLY stop trying. She's said she doesn't want to leave him, and not only should you respect that, you should have some respect for yourself as well. Right now you are a vacation hookup. It's not David, it's her. If she really wanted to be with you, she would be by now.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    I've been where you are, it's not going to work out. Basically, you are being used. She has said she's not breaking up with her BF, so unless you are cool with being her side piece, back away.

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  • zagdrobzagdrob Registered User regular
    Walk away. You can't make someone break up for you, and even if you could I can't see why you would want to.

    You're a side piece, and at some point in the future she'll likely be referring to your fling with her as a 'mistake' with her boyfriend. You offered her something she needed at the time that her boyfriend wasn't giving her - likely attention & being in the same area code. Her airing complaints about her boyfriend are venting.

    Additionally, I'm not a strong believer in the 'once a cheater' mantra, but it sounds like 'David' is well founded in his jealousy and being worrysome. She's running around on him with you, and you're only with her periodically so there is a decent chance another guy is giving her attention when she's not at your mutual hometown.

    Either way, assuming you get what she wants and she breaks up with 'David' and comes with you, are you really going to be comfortable for the weeks or months that she's off at her separate school? Jealousy is a hell of a drug, and if 'Tina' demonstrated she's perfectly willing to cheat on a long-distance boyfriend, why would you think your outcome would be any different? This sort of thing dooms relationships.

    Meet some girl at your school or something that makes you forget about 'Tina'. Keep in mind that 'David' could very easily be fictional / exaggerated to keep you at arms length.

    Cambiata
  • RichyRichy Registered User regular
    Say Tina leaves David and starts dating you. A year from now, things are going well, you're serious about each other and even openly talking about marriage... but you get busy with work/family/study/whatever, and while you're not available she spends time hanging out with another guy friend. What do you do? Because that's your future with her.

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  • RichyRichy Registered User regular
    Also, your thread title is misleading. Tina is not "stuck" in a relationship with David. You have not presented anything in your OP showing that she wants to break up with him but cannot because of some external factor forcing them to stay together against her will. There's nothing stopping her from breaking up with him today if she wanted to... except that she does not want to. Tina's not stuck, she chooses to be with David, however unfaithfully.

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  • arkabararkabar Registered User regular
    Please don't judge me. Speaking from the view of "tina," I have been there. I was in a relationship for 4.5 years with a guy (call him "freddy") and it became long distance when we went to school. I met a guy and eventually feelings developed. We talked about how we wished it could work. I told the new guy all the issues and everything that was wrong with my relationship with Freddy (I never exaggerated it -- we legitimately had these issues). The new guy never once suggested that I should leave Freddy. He just stood by, listened and was himself. Deep down I knew I should break it off with Freddy but I was scared to because 4.5 years is a long time, and I couldn't remember not being with someone (horrible excuse, I know). When I did it was liberating though. I did it on my own accord, not by what the new guy told me to do. And after a little bit of being without Freddy. I ended up with the new guy, and we are still together (and it has been a year, I may add).

    Had the new guy suggested or hinted towards how I should leave my ex when I wasn't mentally ready yet, I probably wouldn't have stuck around. He was a true friend. I can't speak for "Tina" but just a little story from someone who has been the "Tina."

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  • HollerHoller Registered User regular
    I can think of almost no scenario where someone seeking guidance on breaking up someone else's relationship isn't asking for trouble, especially if the goal of breaking them up is so that you can swoop in and try to insert yourself into that position.

    Maybe she will dump him, maybe she won't, but there isn't really anything you can do about it. All of the stuff you COULD do would almost certainly be either overbearing, or underhanded and manipulative. No matter how you insert yourself into this situation, you will basically be displaying qualities that should make it clear to her that you're not worth being in a relationship with, so I would back off. Try giving her a minimum amount of respect by assuming that she is a grown-ass woman and can sort her own shit out without your meddling, and see what happens.

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  • Giggles_FunsworthGiggles_Funsworth Blight on Discourse Bay Area SprawlRegistered User regular
    arkabar wrote: »
    Please don't judge me. Speaking from the view of "tina," I have been there. I was in a relationship for 4.5 years with a guy (call him "freddy") and it became long distance when we went to school. I met a guy and eventually feelings developed. We talked about how we wished it could work. I told the new guy all the issues and everything that was wrong with my relationship with Freddy (I never exaggerated it -- we legitimately had these issues). The new guy never once suggested that I should leave Freddy. He just stood by, listened and was himself. Deep down I knew I should break it off with Freddy but I was scared to because 4.5 years is a long time, and I couldn't remember not being with someone (horrible excuse, I know). When I did it was liberating though. I did it on my own accord, not by what the new guy told me to do. And after a little bit of being without Freddy. I ended up with the new guy, and we are still together (and it has been a year, I may add).

    Had the new guy suggested or hinted towards how I should leave my ex when I wasn't mentally ready yet, I probably wouldn't have stuck around. He was a true friend. I can't speak for "Tina" but just a little story from someone who has been the "Tina."

    I had a similar thing that happened only I was the dude and the girl was married to an emotionally abusive cunt. We were friends and I can honestly say I didn't have any intent to be with her romantically until one time we were hanging out and she started crying and I have her a hug and one thing led to another...

    Didn't want to be the other man, no matter how much of a dick her husband was and I told her I needed to distance myself. She ended up breaking it off with him because the relationship was in a real bad way long before I showed up. We tried dating for a few months but there was just too much scar tissue.

    She met a guy a while after that, they dated for a few years and when she had the funds to finalize the divorce they got married. As far as I know she's been faithful to him for five years now, give or take. We're still friends because I managed not to act like an asshole throughout the duration.

    OP, you are acting like an asshole and attempting to force a breakup, no matter how fucked their relationship is, is only going to result in additional misery.

    RubberACEsseeCambiata
  • SmokeStacksSmokeStacks The Myth, the Legend, the Bowman, the Shambler FuckerRegistered User regular
    I had to wikipedia the baseball metaphors. Damn weird habit to describe sex like that.

    Walk away. There are better things you could be doing.

    Baseball metaphors can vary by area and I guess by generation (especially since people keep finding new ways to be intimate with one another), but for the most part you can't go wrong with the four Fs, each one corresponding to a base:

    French
    Feel
    Finger
    Fuck

    The four Fs make it easy.

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  • gmaster213gmaster213 Registered User regular
    edited January 2014
    Update: posted this thread. forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/186281/how-when-to-go-about-dating-her?new=1

    Also,
    arkabar wrote: »
    Please don't judge me. Speaking from the view of "tina," I have been there. I was in a relationship for 4.5 years with a guy (call him "freddy") and it became long distance when we went to school. I met a guy and eventually feelings developed. We talked about how we wished it could work. I told the new guy all the issues and everything that was wrong with my relationship with Freddy (I never exaggerated it -- we legitimately had these issues). The new guy never once suggested that I should leave Freddy. He just stood by, listened and was himself. Deep down I knew I should break it off with Freddy but I was scared to because 4.5 years is a long time, and I couldn't remember not being with someone (horrible excuse, I know). When I did it was liberating though. I did it on my own accord, not by what the new guy told me to do. And after a little bit of being without Freddy. I ended up with the new guy, and we are still together (and it has been a year, I may add).

    Had the new guy suggested or hinted towards how I should leave my ex when I wasn't mentally ready yet, I probably wouldn't have stuck around. He was a true friend. I can't speak for "Tina" but just a little story from someone who has been the "Tina."

    She said she felt free like you mention when she broke up with him, so contrary to many of the other posts (although I completely understand their view) I'm going to hope for a result much like yours.

    gmaster213 on
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