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Panic attacks, depression, and being a stay at home mom
MrsInkSplat
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
I have lurked here for years, but this is my first time posting. Just watching how supportive and helpful everyone here in this community is is absolutely amazing.
First, some background. I am a 29 year old SAHM to a wonderful 15 month old boy, Sawyer. He is the sweetest, most curious, amazing boy. I have also dealt with depression most of my life although it was never bad enough for me to seek treatment. I also started having panic attacks, infrequent and unidentified, a couple years ago. Back in April, we moved from Baltimore, maryland (where my family is) to a small town in southern Oregon. I struggled a lot leading up to the move and actually saw a therapist at the last minute to get medication just to make it through the cross country flight. Once we got there, I calmed down a little bit, but after a two week visit to see my family, I started down the road for treatment.
The first therapist I saw, I saw mainly for my panic attacks. And that did help at the time, but it's gotten much worse again. So now I'm seeing a different therapist, on my way to get state health insurance, and I've set up an appointment with a primary care, though that isn't until the 21st of January. I also ended up in the hospital one night about three weeks ago because i almost passed out whe it was just me and my son in the house and I got so anxious I worked myself into a panic attack. They prescribed me some ativan (which is the same medication I got for the move and took as needed). 20 1mg pills. I always cut them in half and only take both halves if I absolutely need to. These are not something I want to be on long term and I'm just counting the days until I can actually see my primary.
But the main thing I need advice about is in regards to my husband. This has been a very long process and its understandably been very hard on him. I just feel so guilty about everything I've been putting him through and that I can't just will myself to be better. For him and for my son. Every day is just so hard. I'm constantly tired, I want to cry at least a quarter of the day, I'm nauseous a pretty good amou t of the time, and its such a struggle to stay calm. And then that just makes him not want to be around me, because I'm so negative all the time. And then that makes me feel worse because not only is he upset with me, he's not spending the time with his son, who he doesn't see a lot since he works. I just don't know how to make this easier on him when I need so much right now. It's hard enough to do everyday household chores at the moment.
There's a lot more i could go into, but I feel like this is a good start.
First, some background. I am a 29 year old SAHM to a wonderful 15 month old boy, Sawyer. He is the sweetest, most curious, amazing boy. I have also dealt with depression most of my life although it was never bad enough for me to seek treatment. I also started having panic attacks, infrequent and unidentified, a couple years ago. Back in April, we moved from Baltimore, maryland (where my family is) to a small town in southern Oregon. I struggled a lot leading up to the move and actually saw a therapist at the last minute to get medication just to make it through the cross country flight. Once we got there, I calmed down a little bit, but after a two week visit to see my family, I started down the road for treatment.
The first therapist I saw, I saw mainly for my panic attacks. And that did help at the time, but it's gotten much worse again. So now I'm seeing a different therapist, on my way to get state health insurance, and I've set up an appointment with a primary care, though that isn't until the 21st of January. I also ended up in the hospital one night about three weeks ago because i almost passed out whe it was just me and my son in the house and I got so anxious I worked myself into a panic attack. They prescribed me some ativan (which is the same medication I got for the move and took as needed). 20 1mg pills. I always cut them in half and only take both halves if I absolutely need to. These are not something I want to be on long term and I'm just counting the days until I can actually see my primary.
But the main thing I need advice about is in regards to my husband. This has been a very long process and its understandably been very hard on him. I just feel so guilty about everything I've been putting him through and that I can't just will myself to be better. For him and for my son. Every day is just so hard. I'm constantly tired, I want to cry at least a quarter of the day, I'm nauseous a pretty good amou t of the time, and its such a struggle to stay calm. And then that just makes him not want to be around me, because I'm so negative all the time. And then that makes me feel worse because not only is he upset with me, he's not spending the time with his son, who he doesn't see a lot since he works. I just don't know how to make this easier on him when I need so much right now. It's hard enough to do everyday household chores at the moment.
There's a lot more i could go into, but I feel like this is a good start.
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My wife is in a sort of similar situation. We have a 8 month old and has mood swings / depression / anxiety and went off her medication for the pregnancy. She also had Ativan but she only took it for when she had panic attacks. It wasn't here everyday prescription. She's starting back on her meds again now that our son is born and not 100% on breast milk.
#1 - You're not alone. While not a medical professional, my wife had the same concerns as you. Thinking it's impacting me and my son a lot. In actuality, she was internalizing a LOT of it. I saw like 10% of it and "blamed" it on lack of sleep. I didn't have the full picture.
#2 - This can be still a hold over of postpartum depression. Again, not a medical professional but it is NOT uncommon, directly from the Canadian Mental Health website , up to 80% of woman can feel it right after birth, and up to 20% for up to a year later, NO ONE KNOWS THOUGH because of under reporting of this. I'm sure with predisposed anxiety, it doesn't help.
Again, my advice, try to talk with a professional as soon as you can. If you can't talk with a professional, maybe try friends (which is hard with a topic like this) or even the Kid Thread in SE, we're always there to listen.
It's a complicated situation, especially with family so far.
Depression almost always involves guilt, which makes things so much worse. We've made a point of reminding ourselves and each other that depression is not something you do; it is something that happens to you. There is no more to feel guilty about than if you got the flu.
The second is twofold: as has been said, it is likely not making as big an impact on your husband as you fear; and a tight hug at the end of a hard day can be an invaluable reassurance, to both of you.
Something to reiterate, that I suspect you don't need reminding of, but others might; these are absolutely band aids for symptoms, not solutions for depression.
--LeVar Burton
At any rate, here's my deal in a nutshell: If my wife needs to talk about things, I talk. If she needs me to be quiet and supportive, whether I think that's what I should do or not, I'm quiet and supportive, because that's what she needs. Or, you know, if there's something else, then that's what I do. Aside from that, I don't do the meta "Wife is depressed, now I'm depressed because she's depressed, and now's she depressed because I'm depressed." That's counter productive, and doesn't help anyone.
So, I would say, have a chat with your husband. He may not be anything like me. He might have a fully functioning empathy circuit. In any case, maybe you can remove or mitigate a source of stress by finding out that he actually isn't as bothered by this as you think he is.
I re-wrote some of this before posting. I don't think I'm coming off as a goose, so I'm going to go ahead and click post. If this offends you, I sincerely apologize; offense is not my intention.
Nice post.
--LeVar Burton
Yes, continue to get help, its good for you and your little family. Your husband needs to step up and support you, you need/deserve it, too. Yes, you're being loving and supportive of him, but you know, caring for a little one is HARD WORK! Even when you're emotionally well it is hard work, he needs to understand that.
In context, I too have had mental health issues - when my children were young and again a couple of years ago. To get better, I needed support - from my doctor, from medication and from my husband and friends. I also did a Cognitive Behaviour Therapy course online called Living Life To The Full - that really helped me break the negative thought patterns I had slipped into and helped my recovery. I still use some of the mental exercises I learnt on that course now.
Rest when Sawyer rests/naps, give yourself little goals to achieve, and when you do achieve them, celebrate the hell out of them! Do you have any parent and toddler groups you can join local to you, so that you can meet other parents and make friends? I joined the National Childbirth Trust in the UK and found it a total lifesaver - everyone got it about how hard it is being a parent, and I made some really good friends there.
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"The power of the weirdness compels me."
To address something else that was brought up: I am trying to get out there socially to meet other mommies, it's just harder as my husband and I share a car. But I may have some play dates in the near future! It's something I've been looking forward to.
Also as an update, I was able to see my primary doctor (who is the same as my son's) and talk to him briefly during my son's appointment. I have now started birth control and have a perscription for Paxil. I was thinking of starting another thred, but has anyone here had any dealings with it? Good, bad, when I should take, things to look out for?
I was not offended in any way! But talking definitely helped.