I have lurked here for years, but this is my first time posting. Just watching how supportive and helpful everyone here in this community is is absolutely amazing.
First, some background. I am a 29 year old SAHM to a wonderful 15 month old boy, Sawyer. He is the sweetest, most curious, amazing boy. I have also dealt with depression most of my life although it was never bad enough for me to seek treatment. I also started having panic attacks, infrequent and unidentified, a couple years ago. Back in April, we moved from Baltimore, maryland (where my family is) to a small town in southern Oregon. I struggled a lot leading up to the move and actually saw a therapist at the last minute to get medication just to make it through the cross country flight. Once we got there, I calmed down a little bit, but after a two week visit to see my family, I started down the road for treatment.
The first therapist I saw, I saw mainly for my panic attacks. And that did help at the time, but it's gotten much worse again. So now I'm seeing a different therapist, on my way to get state health insurance, and I've set up an appointment with a primary care, though that isn't until the 21st of January. I also ended up in the hospital one night about three weeks ago because i almost passed out whe it was just me and my son in the house and I got so anxious I worked myself into a panic attack. They prescribed me some ativan (which is the same medication I got for the move and took as needed). 20 1mg pills. I always cut them in half and only take both halves if I absolutely need to. These are not something I want to be on long term and I'm just counting the days until I can actually see my primary.
But the main thing I need advice about is in regards to my husband. This has been a very long process and its understandably been very hard on him. I just feel so guilty about everything I've been putting him through and that I can't just will myself to be better. For him and for my son. Every day is just so hard. I'm constantly tired, I want to cry at least a quarter of the day, I'm nauseous a pretty good amou t of the time, and its such a struggle to stay calm. And then that just makes him not want to be around me, because I'm so negative all the time. And then that makes me feel worse because not only is he upset with me, he's not spending the time with his son, who he doesn't see a lot since he works. I just don't know how to make this easier on him when I need so much right now. It's hard enough to do everyday household chores at the moment.
There's a lot more i could go into, but I feel like this is a good start.