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I don't know what I want to do with my life
Professor Snugglesworth
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Registered User regular
That just might be the most depressing thread title I've ever written. Hopefully it won't ever get any worse than that.
As of this writing, I'm an employed CBP Officer in training. I still have a mountain of online paperwork to shift through, 4 months of physical and educational training in Georgia, and a few more months of OTJ training. It's going to be a while yet before I actually perform in the job itself. Thankfully I am being paid for all of this time.
No bounds about it, this is the biggest career opportunity I've ever had. There are several payment tiers to look forward to, including mandatory raises every year. There are health benefits, double overtime, and numerous other positions in the CBP department to move to after some years on the job.
And yet, I'm constantly second-guessing myself and wondering if this is the career for me.
One part involves the danger associated with the job: sure, it sounds cool as hell to be wearing a uniform and arresting people who try to smuggle in drugs or drug money. It's another matter entirely if said dope-smuggler tries to pull a knife on you, or even a gun. I've had several trainers constantly telling my class to be prepared in the event of being in a shootout and how dangerous it is, how even the most veteran CBP officers have turned tail and ran, etc.
Granted, some of them have also pointed out the low probabilities of such an event happening. You could be working in a Best Buy and someone would shoot up the place, or just walk to a Gamestop on your day off, etc. The odds are low, and much of the training is simply so you're better safe than sorry. I get that.
But can I personally handle the stress of a job where I'll have to look at every single human being that comes my way with interrogative eyes, wondering if they're reaching for a gun or other concealed weapon instead of their ID every single time? Even with all the training scenarios they would give you, there's no way for me to ever predict how I would handle myself when under fire unless I was actually under fire. I can mentally play the scenarios in my head, but reality is reality.
The other part is that I feel like the odd man out among my peers. I don't want to give the impression that I'm sneering my nose over anyone because I feel smarter or anything. But I'm only one out of a couple of other new hires who got to this job through a college degree; the majority started as TSA while others have had similar training as police officers, border patrol officers and so on. None of them feel like the kind of crowd I would want to hang with. Work with? Maybe.
The latter part is a stupid reason to turn down a promising career over, I admit. I wouldn't bring it up were it not combined with the first issue among other smaller concerns. You've probably seen me whine before about trying to find a good job that suits my talents, and I've always appreciated being told the reality of things.
Because that's what it comes down to. People say "do what you love", but that doesn't always apply. I love videogames, the internet, creative writing and movies. Those are all shit jobs to place your bets toward (apologies to anyone lucky enough to work in any of those fields). That's why I've always focused more on realistic careers that I may have some interest/talent toward instead of dropping everything to go work at Giant Bomb or wherever (even though working at GB looks like a freaking dream come true going by their many videos).
So in short, I want the CBP thing to work, but I also want to try and take one final assessment of myself in case I've overlooked a career path that is obtainable and potentially enjoyable. To be honest, what I'm hoping for the most is that I'll grow a few quads during the training and get the confidence I sorely need to believe that I can make it in CBP. But if that fails, I truly have no other options left, and I don't want to continue wasting my life pondering what I should be doing.
So if you happen to know any good self-assessment advice (maybe even some verified online tests), I could really use it. I could also go in detail over what I'd ideally like in a job, past jobs I have enjoyed, etc. if it helps. Or I could just receive a stern lecture about not being such a baby. That might work too.
As of this writing, I'm an employed CBP Officer in training. I still have a mountain of online paperwork to shift through, 4 months of physical and educational training in Georgia, and a few more months of OTJ training. It's going to be a while yet before I actually perform in the job itself. Thankfully I am being paid for all of this time.
No bounds about it, this is the biggest career opportunity I've ever had. There are several payment tiers to look forward to, including mandatory raises every year. There are health benefits, double overtime, and numerous other positions in the CBP department to move to after some years on the job.
And yet, I'm constantly second-guessing myself and wondering if this is the career for me.
One part involves the danger associated with the job: sure, it sounds cool as hell to be wearing a uniform and arresting people who try to smuggle in drugs or drug money. It's another matter entirely if said dope-smuggler tries to pull a knife on you, or even a gun. I've had several trainers constantly telling my class to be prepared in the event of being in a shootout and how dangerous it is, how even the most veteran CBP officers have turned tail and ran, etc.
Granted, some of them have also pointed out the low probabilities of such an event happening. You could be working in a Best Buy and someone would shoot up the place, or just walk to a Gamestop on your day off, etc. The odds are low, and much of the training is simply so you're better safe than sorry. I get that.
But can I personally handle the stress of a job where I'll have to look at every single human being that comes my way with interrogative eyes, wondering if they're reaching for a gun or other concealed weapon instead of their ID every single time? Even with all the training scenarios they would give you, there's no way for me to ever predict how I would handle myself when under fire unless I was actually under fire. I can mentally play the scenarios in my head, but reality is reality.
The other part is that I feel like the odd man out among my peers. I don't want to give the impression that I'm sneering my nose over anyone because I feel smarter or anything. But I'm only one out of a couple of other new hires who got to this job through a college degree; the majority started as TSA while others have had similar training as police officers, border patrol officers and so on. None of them feel like the kind of crowd I would want to hang with. Work with? Maybe.
The latter part is a stupid reason to turn down a promising career over, I admit. I wouldn't bring it up were it not combined with the first issue among other smaller concerns. You've probably seen me whine before about trying to find a good job that suits my talents, and I've always appreciated being told the reality of things.
Because that's what it comes down to. People say "do what you love", but that doesn't always apply. I love videogames, the internet, creative writing and movies. Those are all shit jobs to place your bets toward (apologies to anyone lucky enough to work in any of those fields). That's why I've always focused more on realistic careers that I may have some interest/talent toward instead of dropping everything to go work at Giant Bomb or wherever (even though working at GB looks like a freaking dream come true going by their many videos).
So in short, I want the CBP thing to work, but I also want to try and take one final assessment of myself in case I've overlooked a career path that is obtainable and potentially enjoyable. To be honest, what I'm hoping for the most is that I'll grow a few quads during the training and get the confidence I sorely need to believe that I can make it in CBP. But if that fails, I truly have no other options left, and I don't want to continue wasting my life pondering what I should be doing.
So if you happen to know any good self-assessment advice (maybe even some verified online tests), I could really use it. I could also go in detail over what I'd ideally like in a job, past jobs I have enjoyed, etc. if it helps. Or I could just receive a stern lecture about not being such a baby. That might work too.
Professor Snugglesworth on
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There is nothing wrong with having a job and a hobby. If you think the job will actively make you depressed/feel unsafe/miserable all the time, then reconsider, but don't quit on some grass is always greener notion.
I just wish I had more dream goals that were more realistically obtainable, though. I would feel a lot better knowing I had a back-up in case this job doesn't work (just as CBP was the back-up when I was a typist clerk in a local police department...that was a particularly godawful job).
Knowing the actual names of said jobs would help too. I enjoy writing reviews for games, but merely as a hobby (since I almost never got paid). What other jobs are there that involve creative writing, constructive opinions, and videogame knowledge? It doesn't have to be a combination of the three either, any one of those traits alone would do.
The happiest I ever felt, personally, was working with a couple of indie artists in writing the scripts for comic books. Nothing ever materialized past a couple of issues and some scraps/storyboards....apparently indie artists like to quit a lot. But as someone who originally majored in film (and quickly accepted the reality of obtaining an actual career from it after one semester), it was the closest I had gotten to collaborating on bringing something fictional to life.
I could say I would jump on that chance without hesitation, if I knew I would actually make a living off of it.
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Keep working at your real job. If you feel you have more brains than the average person there, work towards promotion.
There's no shame in working a useful job. I work in video games and sometimes it can get a bit sobering thinking about how little real importance there is to what I do. It is fun though.
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/173262/passing-the-city-codes-test-for-airliner-employment
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/130251/applying-for-movie-extra-need-advice
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/134938/need-part-part-time-work
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/146233/bachelor-s-graduate-in-criminal-justice-seeking-job-advice
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/155410/i-need-a-job
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/183429/working-for-the-government-pros-and-cons
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/186060/the-best-and-or-fastest-growing-computer-jobs
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/94373/warrior-needs-job-badly
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/81949/getting-a-job
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/49514/entry-level-jobs
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/48409/jobs
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/18565/online-journalism
Now you finally have a well-paying career in your field of study lined up and you're having second thoughts? Man up and finish this thing.
Maybe the OP can address why he is prone to cold feet in any job. Believe me, it wouldn't get better if you actually were in a dream geek job.
The easiest way to fix this problem, is to pay them.
Which is a lot easier to do if you are employed, by the way. People with money tend to see their projects get done. If you'd like to see some things come together for you, don't underestimate the power of your dollar. Save up some cash, and then pay to see your scripts come to life. Who knows? A few grand and a few comic pitches later, you may be able to make a side gig of it.
Working in a job in which you have doubts sucks. I'm currently going through the same thing. But seriously, simply from following your past threads, it would seem foolish to throw it away right now.
If you truly have a desire to create, you'll do it, regardless of your job.
Yeah.....I wasn't surprised that a few of you would have noticed a trend between me and this subforum.
I was just hoping that nobody was keeping count. And that it was....a lot more threads than I had thought.
To be fair, a few of those were more about getting information/opinions on jobs I wasn't necessarily planning to turn into full-fledged careers. Again, gotta stick with the realistic stuff.
I do want to make something clear though: I'm not looking to get out of my current position. Absolutely not. It's a fantastic career opportunity, a real career opportunity.
The problem lies with me: I question if I can measure up to the job. On paper, I love the idea of being an authoritative figure with a badge and gun. It's an honorable position. But will I be able to handle it for real? Make no mistake, I intend to find out and do the very best I can; I'm not looking to quit this job unless I was absolutely certain my next choice was a lock (and of course, more beneficial).
I just wanted to make one last thread (seriously, this is going to be the last one, mark my words) so I at least have a backup plan. It doesn't necessarily have to be a "geek job" that follows my hobbies either. Originally I was using my criminal justice degree to become a fingerprint examiner. I saw myself more as an investigator, someone behind a computer rather than someone in the field working in an airport (in my case, an airport and seaport). Government jobs being what they are, it was several years of hiring freezes and cold responses until something like this came along. That typist clerk job I mentioned before? That was from an application in 2007.
Learning to draw has been an idea I've wanted to pursue for quite a while. It's a lot easier doodling the stuff in my head than hoping an artist will get the look right. I just have no idea what material is largely considered the best in both brushing up the quality of your works and helping you discover your own style.
I don't want to make up yet another thread to pursue this further, so if someone in particular is knowledgeable about it, I wouldn't mind a PM or at least the name of the person so I can PM them myself.
Once again, this could all be nerves fucking with my brain. I've never done anything remotely like this before. I'm filled with a mix of both excitement and fear (the fear is just kind of taking up space at the moment). I'm going to be completely outside my element here. More than anything, I'm hoping I'll get to a point where I'm relaxed and I'm thinking "okay, yeah, I can do this. this is natural to me." It just doesn't feel that way now, and I'm sure that's expected since it's new. I just hope I get over it.
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I just could do without the "this could happen to you one day" part.
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Unicorn Jobs
Basically, "unicorn jobs" -- where you get paid to do nothing but follow your own creative desires -- are very rare, and always temporary. Even people who love their jobs spend only a tiny fraction of their time doing the work that is the most meaningful to them. Freedom isn't free.
Over the holidays, I gave some advice to my brother (who just graduated from college) that he shouldn't think about jobs in the sense of "Is this a job where I can do what I love?" but "Is this a job which will enable me to do what I love?". It doesn't have to be a job doing something you like, as long as it gives you the money and time to allow you to do stuff you like after work.
Keep in mind that just because you have a job now doesn't mean you are stuck with it forever. You are never going to be happy someplace if you have one foot out the door before you even get started. You seem to be so worried about what to do if it doesn't work out, that you aren't giving it an opportunity TO work out.
Short version, give your current path an honest try. If it works, then congratulations! If it doesn't, come back and reassess after you've been actually been on the job for a while and look at where to go from there. Sticking with one job for a while is not an automatic exclusion of all others. For one thing, actually sticking with it will let you look back and see exactly what worked for you, what didn't, and you'll have a better idea of what you want for your future. Right now you are just shooting in the dark.
I had very similar doubts when I began my career in engineering. Based on my experience, you very likely can and will handle this job great. That's why you got hired. People who don't know you very well took a look at you and said "I think he can do it". Trust their judgement in this, be helpful and professional and you'll do fine.
If for whatever reason it doesn't work out, well, you have plenty of time to build up experience in a hobby and fall back to that (or another industry career).
Don't idolize creative based jobs though. They are still jobs, and that means hours of doing them even when you'd rather do something else. Every successful creator has had to deal with this and learn to push through. Don't feel like writing today? You don't have to, but that deadline isn't moving. Don't feel like drawing a comic today? Unfortunate, your Friday readers were expecting an update. Even if it's work you love, it's tempered by still being work.
The hardest thing people have getting right. Finding a job you love doing is great, but, they don't last, and if they do, they don't pay. Having my bills paid and a place to live is important, and rather, something super fundamental to being an adult. I'd rather have my needs met then enjoy doing my job. Once the work day is over, I can go home and do the things I want to do. Be it carpentry or computers, drawing or knitting, or whatever I feel like doing. That is what you should be doing.
Maybe you want to take some foreign language classes because you always wanted to visit France. Well, they cost money and money makes the world go 'round. It sucks screwing in drywall or flipping burgers, but, get your fulfillment outside the job first, then shop around for "the perfect job."
As much as people told me I should find something I enjoy doing, I found the job that pays me enough to do the things I enjoy on my terms, not someone elses. If I did them for someone else, it'd probably kill my desire to do it.
Another good thing to do is find something you love about your job. Love the people you work with? Good, keep that in your mind every day. Like the work you do? Maybe you work with underprivileged people and help them out. Good, keep whatever it is in your mind every day before work.
Just, when you get off work, turn off. Once you clock out, you are no longer working, you are your own person.
What I find that can help, treat the workplace as a workplace. The folks there are your co-workers, not your friends. Everyone you are scanning/observing is like a customer in a sense. I think you might be on to this one, since you mention your issue is the potential health implications of the job. Keep in mind, a lot of folks have to drive or commute to work. Depending on where you live, that may be as much if not more of a health hazard compared to your line of work.
When my father was in college, his roommate had to take out a life insurance policy while working in a tollbooth. Every so often, a trucker falls asleep at the wheel and your booth isn't going to slow him down much. If you aren't fast enough, the life insurance policy sadly tends to kick in. I don't believe they get paid a lot for that amount of risk, either. Think about it this way, you have it better than they do!
- Make a budget that will allow you to save a reasonable amount of money each month. Stick to this budget. Save-up about 12~ months worth of living expenses, just as if you were going to save-up for school, a house, a car, etc.
- Be prepared to do as a lot of 'blue collar' writing: submit articles & short stories to magazines, for example.
- Be prepared for embarking on the career to have some impact, for better or worse, on your interest in creative writing.
Creative writing is absolutely something that can become a 'real job', and nobody should tell you otherwise - but, like most careers, it's not as simple as jumping into a dead end job. You need a nest egg to support yourself with while you're getting your feet wet, you need to think in terms of, "This is my job now, so I have to treat it like it's my job and follow a work schedule,"
Being an author is not especially difficult in comparison to other long term careers that require a lot of start-up capital, but you have to give it that respect & treatment.
That article on Unicorn Jobs is fantastic.
Because of that, I don't feel drained or sapped by my job. I think that's the key thing when it comes to a job, really, since as mentioned above finding a true "dream job" is rare and unlikely unless you're very lucky or are already well-off. That means that when I want to do something more creative or leisurely, I don't feel like I just want to veg for a few days to recoup.
As an anecdote, my dad has worked most of his adult life in construction, as a project manager. He's handled bids, budgets, and buildings, and he's been laid off from numerous jobs due to downsizing, bad management, personal vendettas against him because he's not related to the owner, etc. The last time he was laid off was during the housing boom recession, and due to the big drop in construction-related work together with the fact that he's close to retirement and therefore not as cheap as a fresh young hire, he couldn't find a new job. Instead, he's now working as a cleaner at a senior co-op building, doing essentially menial tasks. However, even though the work itself is pretty mindless and doesn't use any of his professional skills, he says he actually enjoys it because he gets exercise and the people around him all really like him and compliment his work. He says that the main reason he's staying at an underpaying job is that he finally feels appreciated at work.
I heard this from someone, or read about it somewhere, but I say there's 3 things about a job that keep you there:
1. You like the work
2. You like the people/coworkers
3. You like the pay
If you have all 3 of those things, congrats, it's a "dream job." If you have two of those things, that's a pretty good job and you're probably happy there, and you shouldn't let the one thing bug you too much. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to fix that one thing, but it's probably not worth stressing over and you can instead try to solve it while staying at the same job. If you only have one of those things, you probably want to start looking for a new job.
And, of course, if you have none of those things, it's a shit job and you are unlikely to ever be happy there.
It sounds like your new position is going to fill two of those slots, and you're stressing about the people/coworkers element. You'll probably find that, like among any group of people, there are those you get along with and those you don't. It's not really worth stressing out over before you're there and actually meet the people.
I've been there when BP in San Diego were chasing 6 suspects through the brush (Pine Valley area) and we looked in the car that they ditched (they asked us to watch it, we just rolled up on it and then they took off) and it had like 600 lbs of marijuana in the back. Those guys they were chasing absolutely may have opened fire. It is a risky job. I know of two agents here that died in the last few years.
it all depends on where you're stationed and how lucky/unlucky you get, but you're entering a job where you absolutely need to be cool with getting shot at and returning fire without hesitation, or more preferably opening fire first. This shit is real. If its not something you can handle.. Well, they'll probably find out in your OTJ training.
1. My job is Customs and Border Protection, not Border Patrol. I'll be mostly stationed in primary and baggage claims in seaports and airports. I would not want the latter job.
2. I don't fear physical violence, as far as unarmed combat goes. If a guy is going to struggle when I put the handcuffs on him, I feel mentally prepared to use non-lethal tactics if necessary (and which I'll be trained for in addition to firearm training).
The probability of being in a shootout was my greater concern, but that worry has largely dissipated now that I've had the chance to actually see the job in action this week. As law enforcement jobs go, this one appears much more low-key, as it's largely just sitting behind a terminal and inspecting/interviewing people for any illegal products or false IDs. The area this takes place in is fully secure with locked doors and nearby officers as well as a pre-check before they even reach us. The odds of someone going into a movie-style shooting spree in that space is astronomical (knock on wood).
Gaining perspective from other people helped ease me even further. My sister is a Walgreens pharmacist that occasionally has to work late in shadier parts of town. People are known to rob those places all the time, and she has no weapon to defend herself. By comparison, she has it much worse than I do.
So yeah, seeing the job and the people who do the job (all very chill but also professional) relieved much of my stress. There's still the matter of attending the academy next week, which I am also nervous about; I've never been away from home by myself for even a week, and here I am about to spend four months in an unknown environment with unknown factors (I'll either get a cozy hotel room or a piece of shit dorm, my instructor will either be a lenient gym trainer or a psychotic cross-fitter).
There's also the matter of what hobbies I'll want to engage in on the side, minus the ones I do recreationally. People mentioned I should give drawing a try, so I might look into that. But as for writing, I haven't decided whether to just fart out a novel (despite lacking the confidence in said writing ability), give scriptwriting a shot, stick to opinionated blog articles for practice, etc.
I feel it all relates to the uncertainty that's taken hold with me. I'm hoping it's all things I can overcome eventually, because I'm tired of feeling indecisive so often.
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fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
And if you want to draw/review games/whatever, go do that. No one's stopping you. Do it for free until you get good enough that people want to pay you.
Maybe you could ask the mods for a temporary ban so you could focus on those hobbies? (Unless you plan on posting in a relevant subforum.)
Regarding officer safety, you are embarking into what would seem to me to be about the safest law enforcement job I can imagine (airport at least, not sure about how seaport works). Your sitting in a secured area inside one of the most secure facilities in American public life (an international airport). The only members of the public you are seeing are people who had an exceptionally thorough security screening prior to getting on their plane- who even if they were able to get something dangerous onto the plane w/ them are almost certainly to have wanted to use that thing on the plane in flight rather than waiting until they get to the immigration terminal. Oh, and when it comes to confrontation, w/ rare exceptions at least half of your "customers" (the non-U.S. citizens) are going to be intimidated/terrified of you and will go out of their way to be as polite and respectful to you as possible because they want to be let into the U.S.
My online distractions go well beyond Penny Arcade, so a temp ban wouldn't do much to keep me focused.
As far as the creative endeavors go, I'm basically affected by the same thing that has me second-guessing my current job: indecision. I keep wondering what outlet I should use for creative writing: do I try writing a whole novel? A movie screenplay? A comic screenplay? Do I try to learn to draw so I can be my own author and artist?
The same goes for opinion-based writing: I've done a lot of reviews, but that limits me to only talking about whatever game I'm covering (and I don't always get to cover the games I am actively interested in discussing). I've written a blog too, but it hasn't been updated since last year. I've also shown interest in podcasting, Twitch streaming, etc.
I'm sure the immediate answer you folks will say is "try a little with everything". I do understand that I need to be more adventurous without thinking too much about the possibility of failure. I have continued to wonder if this is a social anxiety that I need to overcome or something much deeper.
As for CBP, this week I've spent the last few days shadowing other employees in the airport. This helped ease a lot of my concerns dramatically; despite the horror stories trainers have been telling us, the layout and atmosphere is extremely chill; obviously the training is required, better safe than sorry, but the odds of a random passenger going into a shooting spree or even physical to the point of a kung-fu movie appear to be astronomical. You're never by yourself, all doors and exits are locked with ID cards, the people you process have already gone through an initial search...as law enforcement jobs go, it's the safest I've seen.
There is still the matter of the four months training, in which I'll be leaving for GA next week. My emotions have constantly been shifting between "anticipating a new experience" and "nervous as fuck". I've never been away from home that long, and I worry if I'll succumb to the daily pressure of physical training and cabin fever. I plan to stock up on devices to keep me entertained during off-time (I'm even planning to bring my whole PC), but I also hope I meet some cool folks there that I'll want to hang out with as well.
Incidentally I did meet a new recruit the other day who has an impressive Steam library, so that's a good sign that things might work out.
They should have told you on the spot if you passed or failed.
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